Unbelievable

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I'll make this one as short as it can be.

Basically, I dated a diagnosed BPD years ago and thought I had seen it all, gotten through the woods and away from it, onto healthy relationships.

No, I'm still unhealthy, clearly.

I didn't see this one coming because when I met her, she seemed perfect, almost to the point of boring.  About 5 months in, the behaviors started showing.  I spent the next 18 months in a push/pull whirlwind, makeup/brekaup cycle that I couldn't pinpoint, because I didn't realize that I was dating a Waif.  I say that I'm unhealthy because I kept coming back.  :)idn't find out until the end ... . the suicidal ideation, the nervous breakdown and outpatient treatment seemingly out of nowhere, and the complete and total abandonment 7 weeks ago.  We lived together, had a dog together, and had just gotten engaged 2 weeks prior.    I'm not sure if she has been officially diagnosed by now because I have not had contact with her, but last I knew the clinic was suggesting DBT, and well, she hits every level of the disorder.  Just never experienced a waif.  My previous ex was so overt and obviously unstable ... this one was overly functioning ... . on the outside seemingly very successful in everything she did.  

I am of course grieving hardcore the loss of everything ... my girlfriend and best friend, my dog, my hopes and dreams for the future.  I am getting into therapy for myself, as well as attending an ACA 12 step program, to figure out why I have these co-dependent/rescuer tendencies.  I anticipate this will be one of the hardest years of my life.

[SoMuchPain]

I'll make this one as short as it can be.

Basically, I dated a diagnosed BPD years ago and thought I had seen it all, gotten through the woods and away from it, onto healthy relationships.

No, I'm still unhealthy, clearly.

I didn't see this one coming because when I met her, she seemed perfect, almost to the point of boring.  About 5 months in, the behaviors started showing.  I spent the next 18 months in a push/pull whirlwind, makeup/brekaup cycle that I couldn't pinpoint, because I didn't realize that I was dating a Waif.  I say that I'm unhealthy because I kept coming back.  :)idn't find out until the end ... . the suicidal ideation, the nervous breakdown and outpatient treatment seemingly out of nowhere, and the complete and total abandonment 7 weeks ago.  We lived together, had a dog together, and had just gotten engaged 2 weeks prior.    I'm not sure if she has been officially diagnosed by now because I have not had contact with her, but last I knew the clinic was suggesting DBT, and well, she hits every level of the disorder.  Just never experienced a waif.  My previous ex was so overt and obviously unstable ... this one was overly functioning ... . on the outside seemingly very successful in everything she did.  

I am of course grieving hardcore the loss of everything ... my girlfriend and best friend, my dog, my hopes and dreams for the future.  I am getting into therapy for myself, as well as attending an ACA 12 step program, to figure out why I have these co-dependent/rescuer tendencies.  I anticipate this will be one of the hardest years of my life.

[Take2]

Hi Startingover... .   I'm so sorry you are hurting so badly... . I can relate so well... .   you have come to a good place for support and information.  I don't have any experience with waifs.  My exBPDbf is has intense rages so I don't have alot of advise to offer about a waif.  But I can understand how disheartening it must be to have wound up getting entangled with someone with BPD if you have previously been involved with one... .  

Can I ask what is an ACA 12 Step Program?  I ask because I just posted a thread on the Personal Inventory Board asking for some advise on a 12 Step Program.  I'm in therapy also and realize how seriously addicted/bonded to my ex that I am.  It's destroying me.  I need more help than just therapy and I feel like while I am codependent, that they just doesn't feel like the right place for me.  I have no idea why.  In fact, it's possible that's some kind of subconcious excuse on my part. 

It sounds like you are doing all of the right things to help yourself heal and understand why you fell for a disordered person - what red flags you missed.  What kept you going back.  Be good to yourself... .   do what you like to do - work out, maybe get your own dog, whatever it might be... . take care of yourself... .  

[SoMuchPain]

Thanks Take2.

ACA is Adult Children of Alcoholics (or any adult child that came from a dysfunctional upbringing).  I am very co-dependent and have been to both CODA meetings and Sex and Love Addict meetings, but I have couldn't believe how much I related to ACA.  If you are interested, Google the "ACA laundry list" to see if you think you would qualify and benefit.

[Take2]

Thank you for that info... . not sure if you read my post?  but I have suggestions for both CoDa and Sex and Love Addicts but have never heard of ACA.  I will go look.  I definitely came from a dysfunctional upbringing although not wildly abnormal.  But clearly something made me the way I am... .

So did your ex leave you 7 weeks ago out of the blue?  and take the dog?  I'm so sorry that is so hard to process... .   it's so painful. 

[SoMuchPain]

My upbringing wasn't wildly abnormal either ... . upper middle class Catholic family.  But I need to be real ... my mom starts on her wine bottle after 5pm, and my parent's marriage is ... . I can't even quite explain it ... definitely unhealthy, and loveless.  On the surface I'm sure they look like the perfect old couple ... but nothing I would hope my marriage would look like, though actually the partners I pick seem to model it well (and I don't even see it while I'm in it).  I think my mother is my issue.  But I am so conditioned (mainly by her, actually) to think that she and our family is completely normal and how dare I suggest otherwise.  Actually, I am not completely "normal" at all.  Nor healthy.  But I'm smart, and I am aware enough to take ownership of this.

My ex did leave me 7 weeks ago.  I posted my story as I wrote it on another forum a couple weeks after she left ... I was still totally in a fog at that point.  I have accepted now that I am not as healthy as I thought I was going into this relationship, and I need to return to working on me (at the time I met my ex, I was actively attending SLAA, hit some CODA meetings, and was in therapy because I was 6 months out from my previous BPD ex, and I NEVER wanted to go through that again).  Of course when I met my latest ex, I ceased going to everything.  I was sure I was cured.  I felt amazing again.  So amazing that I was in a relationship, I didn't even stop to assess what was going on within it.  Sad.

[Skip]

I have accepted now that I am not as healthy as I thought I was going into this relationship, and I need to return to working on me (at the time I met my ex, I was actively attending SLAA, hit some CODA meetings, and was in therapy because I was 6 months out from my previous BPD ex, and I NEVER wanted to go through that again).  Of course when I met my latest ex, I ceased going to everything.  I was sure I was cured.  I felt amazing again.  So amazing that I was in a relationship, I didn't even stop to assess what was going on within it.  Sad.

What were you learning in SLAA?

www.slaafws.org/slaaforme