She's attacking everyone...

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Unreal. In the 6 months we've been apart she's verbally raged at 4 friends, 3 of which she accused of hooking up with me!  

It's crazy. She's got a new guy. Why in the hell should she care what I do?  

She also has her bf scream at these guys telling them how evil I am. I should mention I haven't hooked up with any of them!  They're just mutual friends.

Talking with one last night was crazy. She's really shaken up. Apparently they both laid into her over a pic she posted on FB of us.

I had the urge to write her and tell her to knock it off. That she's perfectly happy now so why should she care about ANYTHING I do... . But I stopped myself. Not breaking NC


Weird to see her focus all this anger on others instead of me... . They're in shock and leaving her slowly but surely.

[Johnny Alias]

Unreal. In the 6 months we've been apart she's verbally raged at 4 friends, 3 of which she accused of hooking up with me!  

It's crazy. She's got a new guy. Why in the hell should she care what I do?  

She also has her bf scream at these guys telling them how evil I am. I should mention I haven't hooked up with any of them!  They're just mutual friends.

Talking with one last night was crazy. She's really shaken up. Apparently they both laid into her over a pic she posted on FB of us.

I had the urge to write her and tell her to knock it off. That she's perfectly happy now so why should she care about ANYTHING I do... . But I stopped myself. Not breaking NC


Weird to see her focus all this anger on others instead of me... . They're in shock and leaving her slowly but surely.

[buddy1226]

Ha! She's nuts man. At least you know the wheels are coming off. They can't live without the drama. I'm starting to think we can't either on some level. I know I kick the hornets nest every couple of weeks and hate it afterwards. You're in a good place with NC. Don't take that for granted. I'd love to have never made contact and ignored hers. Mine used it as a way to hurt me more. I think they need us as an outlet.

I've wondered who is their whipping post without us? Looks like you got that answer in your case. Her friends or whomever is around. Aren't you g;ad you aren't with her now?

Keep doing your thing man. It's working.

[Mutt]

It sounds like distortion.

Some may try as far as distorting your family and friends on your side.

My ex went as far as trying to distort me to my mother when she was having difficulties coping  with my controlled contact and family court. She was trying to tell my mother that she couldn't believe how controlling and bad that I was to the kids. My ex was losing contol after I made the effort with controlled contact and disengaging. Mine had a boyfriend a year before she left me when we were living together and is still with the same person. She's still attached to me, it's an attachment disorder. She still tries to engage me in fights as if we were married.

It could be that your ex is lashing out because she's losing control over you.

[Johnny Alias]

Wow. Things got straaaange tonight. At a party and then boom there she is with new guy. We've done so well avoiding each other. No rsvps on FB but there they are. Thought it was safe.

Had to bail for a minute. Went to another joint, had a drink, and collected myself.

She has no power over my new life. None.

I went back and chatted with some friends away from her. The muscle headed boyfriend kept staring me down according to my buds. Didn't care. Just wanted to be. Honestly stole a glance or two at her and man... . She's gotten big. Not trying to rip but an alcoholic at her age who never exercises is gonna get a white wine belly.

And... . Yeah... . I screwed up.

At one point she was seperate from him. Looked me dead in the eye from across the room. Mouthed "I miss you" from afar. She looked away.

God. Weird night. Home now. Very... . Not sure. Weird.

[Johnny Alias]

Need comments please. Bump.

Very confused. Hadn't seen her in 6 months. Lil help.

[arn131arn]

Need comments please. Bump.

Very confused. Hadn't seen her in 6 months. Lil help.

Do you want to dance? Again?

Want to run on that hamster treadmill for the rest of your NOW happy life?

Ignore her... . She just cast the net out there, and instead of thinking she said "I miss you", tell yourself she lipped "I hate you."

I don't know man, I would be freaking out just like you.  If I'm honest with myself, I know I am not strong enough to deal with that already.  I do, however, believe that God is doing for me what I cannot do for myself.  Hell, he may have put my replacement in my life for me to get time under myself to work on being a better me, so in the future, I can stay strong and away from the toxic people in my life.

She baited you... . asked you to dance.  That is a fact... . whatcha gonna do, bro?

My advice... . sit it out... .

[buddy1226]

It sets us back, no doubt. I spent the night with my ex a couple of weeks ago after several months of NC and now I feel like we separated that night.

Honestly, the saving grace for me was seeing what a train wreck she was and it sounds like your ex is as well. I let me know that things got worse without me. That brought temporary relief. It still doesn't make me miss her any less now.

Their behavior is so unpredictable. Mine took her visit as an oppertunity to inflict punishment. Yours most likely got pleasure from your mouthed comment but it doesn't matter.

Look, this isn't easy and seeing her with your replacement had to be tough. I would likely have gotten confrontational and puled the guy aside telling him what a nut job he has and got myself in trouble and looked like the crazy one.

All we can do is maintain NC. I struggle through every day with it. Your ex is bat sh!t crazy. Having anything with her is impossible, not just with you but anyone. This is the crux of what we are dealing with. They have a PD that makes relationships impossible. Yes, we managed to find someone that has the most freakish of people that have a condition that manifests in relationships. We fell in love with them only to find that it is impossible to ever make it work and will destroy us (or anyone else) if we continue to try. It's like the cruelest of jokes but it's our reality.

You don't want her. You what what you thought was possible but never was. Just maintain NC today. That's all you ever have to do. NC for today.

[In_n_Out]

Honestly Johnny, I think the NC should extend to the mutual friends as well.  You may not be asking them to spy on her for you, but she is using them because she knows that it will get back to you.  Those friends may have to "take one for the team" until you are at a time and place where you are at peace with all of this. 

Also, going to a bar/club that she has even the remotest possibility of being at is also asking for trouble and is a sure ticket to start a new thread here asking about how and why it is you're hurt and confused. 

Personally, it sounds like to me that you need to extricate yourself to an even further level so that you can heal and move on from this woman.  I know, much easier said than done.   

Just my $.02.

[buddy1226]

Here are the posts from someone here with the handle 2010. They are legendary around here. I think they are a professional that specialized in BPD. This has helped me a lot.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?action=profile;u=38193;sa=showPosts

[growing_wings]

She has no power over my new life. None.

Hey Jonny, for me, this summarizes it all. She has no power over your life now. You stayed at the party and continued even if she was there.

dont get into their Triangulation games, you have been there, done that.  She might want to get you back in the game... triangulate, more drama.

[Johnny Alias]

I hear you about the Triangulation. That happened with another ex. Had me and another guy fighting over her for a year. She loved it. Marinated in the attention.

Got some more news... . The new BF almost got into a fistfight yesterday at a guys house. She tore into her now ex friend because she was wearing my hat from a brunch we had when she went in.  Accused her of sleeping with me.

Had scripted a letter to her asking why she's attacking our friends if she doesn't love me anymore.  What does she care what I do? 

Didn't send. Therapist thinks it's a bad idea.

She even sent a pic of that ex friends ex bf with a new chick to her. Just to be mean. And she laughed about it. Just insane.

I don't think the woman I went out with ever existed. I think she's a cruel harlot who delights in torturing and manipulating people due to a wacked out childhood. Everyone becomes her enemy eventually. It's just sick and will NEVER change.

Thank god she's getting older. I can't fathom the pain she's caused others in 43 years.

Thanks for your prior responses. Feeling much better now.

[buddy1226]

"I don't think the woman I went out with ever existed. I think she's a cruel harlot who delights in torturing and manipulating people due to a wacked out childhood. Everyone becomes her enemy eventually. It's just sick and will NEVER change."


That's the rub, my man.

[Tausk]

Had scripted a letter to her asking why she's attacking our friends if she doesn't love me anymore.  What does she care what I do? 

Didn't send. Therapist thinks it's a bad idea.

Good for you on two counts: 1.) For not sending it;  2.) For having the open mindedness to listen to your therapist.  3.) For seeing a therapist

Wait that's three.  Actually a lot more good for yous, including posting, sharing, working at figuring this stuff out, and being honest.

And yes, just stay out of it all.  It's not for you to protect anyone. If you need to set boundaries call the cops.  Otherwise let it burn itself out, with you well on the sidelines away from the fallout.  All that's necessary at this point is to get out of the FOG and into the clarity of recovery.

Congrats and thanks