BPD, NPD or GOLDigger?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

After a long conversation with a very learned and trusted close friend, I am frightened at the possibility that my new wife might be a gold digger.

My wife had a good job but was wasn't earning enough to make ends meet. From the get go I have been very giving and sometimes to my own detriment. Before we got married, she needed to buy a car after hers completely crapped out. I was willing to help her figuring that it would be a very economy type of car. She said that it was dangerous for her kids and insisted on a mid-level car. Not a luxury car or anything, but certainly more of a car than what was needed to get from A to B. Thereafter she had to sell her house ( it was part of her last divorce agreement). She then had to move out and find an apartment. As she put it, she could only afford a "hit hole" so I offered to help her out with a few hundred pounds more a month. That was still "hit hole" range and before I knew it, I was guilted, manipulated into agreeing that she should rent a house for 895 pounds per month. Her rational was that if we were going to be married and I had a nice house, why shouldn't she have a nice house.

THen the wedding. I had just lost my mom and came into some money. I wasn't thinking clearly. I wanted to keep the wedding within a budget but everytime I told her what I wanted she convinced me that it was going to cost a lot more. Before I knew it, I had agreed to many expensive things. She kept telling me "this is the only wedding we are going to ever have so why not make it nice?"

LET ME MAKE THIS PERFECTLY CLEAR FOLKS... . I signed up for this. I could have said "no" but I was just so smitten with her and wanted to make her happy that I did it. I said YES. I take full responsibility. At the time all this was going on I figured that she was just spoiled. That maybe I made her spoiled. That maybe because she has BPD (undiagnosed) that her sense of entitlement drove her to act this way. I really didn't think I was being taken. After all, if I said yes, how could I be taken?

We had been doing a long distance relationship. We are very close to her and her kids getting a visa. We do nothing but argue lately.

Since the wedding I have sobered up. I realized how much money I wasted just because I gave into her wants. I have since "put my foot down". When I do she calls me cheap. Our latest argument was over the cost of moving. I wanted a cheaper option via ship. She wants two day air not surprisingly. I have stood my ground. She tells me how unhappy she is and how she is making all these sacrifices to move her and the least I can do is give her what she wants.

She knows how much money I have spent on keeping her and this relationship afloat; yet, she conveniently forgets about it when she wants something expensive. If I call her on it, she says that I am throwing it up in her face trying to make her feel bad.

I wrote her an email today based on something I read about personal boundaries and almost word for word copying what I read, using the formula: " WHEN you... . I feel... . I want ... . I can't control you or your actions so I have to set this boundary for myself. HONESTLY, I did this as non threatening as possible. Henry Kissinger couldn't have done a better job.I told her I was afraid of how much money I have gone through and want to protect what I have left. I talked about my fears, feelings and anxiety. I didn't point fingers at her. She wrote me back a horrible email telling me in essence that the way to solve my financial problems is to forget about her; how she doesn't trust me anymore (HUH?) and how she does not want to move now.

As I said, I talked to a close friend about this... . an older woman and a very wise woman. She listened intently. Then she said "gold digger". It made me want to throw up.

We have not even been married a year. I am petrified, horrified at this possibility. I seriously don't know what to do. Should I throw out some questions to my wife to see how financially committed SHE IS to the relationship? I mean, I always assumed she was but maybe I need to trip her up some how or test her.

I am in a panic. Did I really let myself be taken or is it just a case of BPD/NPD?

[michel71]

After a long conversation with a very learned and trusted close friend, I am frightened at the possibility that my new wife might be a gold digger.

My wife had a good job but was wasn't earning enough to make ends meet. From the get go I have been very giving and sometimes to my own detriment. Before we got married, she needed to buy a car after hers completely crapped out. I was willing to help her figuring that it would be a very economy type of car. She said that it was dangerous for her kids and insisted on a mid-level car. Not a luxury car or anything, but certainly more of a car than what was needed to get from A to B. Thereafter she had to sell her house ( it was part of her last divorce agreement). She then had to move out and find an apartment. As she put it, she could only afford a "hit hole" so I offered to help her out with a few hundred pounds more a month. That was still "hit hole" range and before I knew it, I was guilted, manipulated into agreeing that she should rent a house for 895 pounds per month. Her rational was that if we were going to be married and I had a nice house, why shouldn't she have a nice house.

THen the wedding. I had just lost my mom and came into some money. I wasn't thinking clearly. I wanted to keep the wedding within a budget but everytime I told her what I wanted she convinced me that it was going to cost a lot more. Before I knew it, I had agreed to many expensive things. She kept telling me "this is the only wedding we are going to ever have so why not make it nice?"

LET ME MAKE THIS PERFECTLY CLEAR FOLKS... . I signed up for this. I could have said "no" but I was just so smitten with her and wanted to make her happy that I did it. I said YES. I take full responsibility. At the time all this was going on I figured that she was just spoiled. That maybe I made her spoiled. That maybe because she has BPD (undiagnosed) that her sense of entitlement drove her to act this way. I really didn't think I was being taken. After all, if I said yes, how could I be taken?

We had been doing a long distance relationship. We are very close to her and her kids getting a visa. We do nothing but argue lately.

Since the wedding I have sobered up. I realized how much money I wasted just because I gave into her wants. I have since "put my foot down". When I do she calls me cheap. Our latest argument was over the cost of moving. I wanted a cheaper option via ship. She wants two day air not surprisingly. I have stood my ground. She tells me how unhappy she is and how she is making all these sacrifices to move her and the least I can do is give her what she wants.

She knows how much money I have spent on keeping her and this relationship afloat; yet, she conveniently forgets about it when she wants something expensive. If I call her on it, she says that I am throwing it up in her face trying to make her feel bad.

I wrote her an email today based on something I read about personal boundaries and almost word for word copying what I read, using the formula: " WHEN you... . I feel... . I want ... . I can't control you or your actions so I have to set this boundary for myself. HONESTLY, I did this as non threatening as possible. Henry Kissinger couldn't have done a better job.I told her I was afraid of how much money I have gone through and want to protect what I have left. I talked about my fears, feelings and anxiety. I didn't point fingers at her. She wrote me back a horrible email telling me in essence that the way to solve my financial problems is to forget about her; how she doesn't trust me anymore (HUH?) and how she does not want to move now.

As I said, I talked to a close friend about this... . an older woman and a very wise woman. She listened intently. Then she said "gold digger". It made me want to throw up.

We have not even been married a year. I am petrified, horrified at this possibility. I seriously don't know what to do. Should I throw out some questions to my wife to see how financially committed SHE IS to the relationship? I mean, I always assumed she was but maybe I need to trip her up some how or test her.

I am in a panic. Did I really let myself be taken or is it just a case of BPD/NPD?

[KateCat]

Did I really let myself be taken or is it just a case of BPD/NPD?

Michel, if there were a difference between these two things--"gold digger" versus "personality disorder"--what do you think that would be?

I don't know how to define your situation, but it seems to follow a pattern that can be seen time and again on this forum. Usually it does not have a good outcome, so it's an excellent thing that you are facing some facts at this time and can still make adjustments to your perceptions and choices.

Are you seeing a counselor to help sort through these events? If not, it would be a great idea.

I'm really sorry to see this happening to you but glad that you are aware that something is amiss.

[KateCat]

Oh, Michel, just one other comment:

I'm thinking about your late mother and her financial bequest to you. Would seeing an attorney or a financial professional now help you to preserve any or all of it, or is it hopelessly "commingled" now by expenditures you have made for your new wife?

I think later you may feel better if you preserve as much of it as you can.

[SweetCharlotte]

It does sound like she has put the bite on you. KateCat offers excellent advice. Your wife's behavior is probably more characteristic of NPD than of BPD, but at the end of the day, does her diagnosis matter? Protect yourself any way possible.

I could never understand these gals who take advantage of a man financially. I don't like the word "gold-digger"; it clouds the issue. I could never do this to a fellow, except for a few dates when I went out with a man in whom I wasn't really interested because he had offered to take me somewhere I couldn't have gone on my own. Even then, it was a dreadful time. I wouldn't get intimate with a man for his money or for what he could do for me. To most women, the thought of this turns one's stomach. If a woman is living in more of a developing-world situation, with children and no financial future, then perhaps she will be more willing to engage in this deceit, perhaps even convincing herself at first that she is doing it for the right reasons. That's why it's up to a man to be more careful in that kind of situation. Good luck and I hope that things either work out or that you haven't lost more than you could afford.

[michel71]

Yes. I do know my legal rights and I can stop the bleeding. I already have actually. That is the problem. I took a stand. Now I am paying for it.

[michel71]

Pun intended! Thank you Kate and Sweet. Good advice!

[Surnia]

Yes. I do know my legal rights and I can stop the bleeding. I already have actually. That is the problem. I took a stand. Now I am paying for it.

Yes, and I think this is good, even if it is hard. Boundaries for you to prevent debts.

I don't know your wife, could be she is desperately seeking validation through expensive things as for her status. Or perhaps expensive things lets feel her loved and cheap ones not.

Should I throw out some questions to my wife to see how financially committed SHE IS to the relationship?

I would probably not - focus on clear boundaries about the financial issue. Now you started with it consistence is needed.

[popeye6031]

Michel,

I would be pretty sure she is not a gold digger. 

More likely her sense of entitlement and the constant need to have you prove your love for her.

If you do not meet the demands, then you will be accused of not loving her.

I go through very much the same thing.

My fiancee has no concept of money.  It is just a case of black and white thinking.

"If you do not buy me this or spend money on that no matter what the cost, you don't love me".

Explaining your situation to someone else, who has probably not heard of personality disorders will simply draw the conclusion of a "gold digger".

Best of luck with your struggles.

[Aussie0zborn]

I think a gold digger is simply after money but a disordered person has a sense of entitlement that is beyond comprehension and is based on you being their opponent -  their quest is to see how much they can get out of you. My personal observation is that this is done under the guise of "prove that you love me" while inside they are thinking of how much harm they are doing you. This makes them worse than the gold digger who has no intention of causing you emotional harm, only filling their pockets - an honest thief, as it were.

In my case, my stbx wife told me stories of how she gave $50,000 from a modelling contract 20 years ago to a boyfriend and never got it back; how she gave an apartment in the heart of the city back to the boyfriend who bought it for her because the relationship was over; how her second husband lived off her financially, etc etc. But now with me, she wants 100% of all three houses.  Work that one out. Ofcourse, none of her nonsense was true.

In your case, you think you have spent way too much money but the longer you stay the worse it gets. It seems unlikely now that you will be able to pull back as you have shown her she can get her own way with you. Stand your ground or quit while you're ahead. Good luck!

[michel71]

Thanks for all the good comments. Had a long talk with my wife about money and money fears... . hers and mine. What she said eased my mind. I don't think she is a gold digger and I agree with popeye and the others who think its more about the personality disorder and the sense of entitlement. I don't think she is trying to hurt me or is doing things with intent. I think she thinks that she deserves the best. I do admit that I have spoiled her and perhaps too much during the "wining and dining" phase and maybe that gave her the wrong impression.

Nevertheless our conversation illuminated some of her financial values which were actually a relief to hear and laid out some plans for us ( the community, if you will) that will save us money.

I know that people say things but ultimately her actions will prove it.

I feel better but we both admitted that we do have some mutual fears and they come from being burned before and hurt by others.

[popeye6031]

Glad to hear you put your mind at ease about that issue Michel.