My divorce was the best thing that ever happened to me

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I know, historically divorce is viewed as a failure, and I guess that's why it was such a hard action to swallow.

I was brought up in a religious family and actually didn't meet anyone who was divorced until I met my best friends parents when I was 15 years old. It wasn't until I was 23 and working that I met another divorcee.

They were lovely people, and living life to the full when I met them - certainly not wallowing in divorce.

Why was it then that I insisted in staying in a bad marriage instead of accepting divorce much earlier?

I have honestly never been happier than I am now.

For the first time, I was able to be totally honest about how bad my marriage was instead of pretending that it was mostly good and BPD/Nxh was just having a bad day. I didn't feel the need to cover up for him or try to smooth things over. I was free of feeling responsible for his actions and attitude.

For the first time, I felt free of his filthy pathological lies and cheating and I didn't need to pretend I was the only one. Friends who lived next door finally told me about the younger girls that used to be in my house with him when I was at work, providing for our family. They didn't feel the need to cover up for him anymore either.

It took a long time to feel relaxed instead of anxious, but everyday brought about a new perspective. I watched my kids blossom too and the more I stopped walking on eggshells, the more they relaxed into themselves. We had no one to fear in our house. That is the greatest gift my children will never know I gave them.

I do think people should fight to save their marriages and to try and get help etc. BUT, not every marriage should be saved. I think that people should feel safe in their homes, feel safe with their partner, feel loved and accepted, be an individual who is married instead of a puppet to control, and be loved. God understands that too and wants that for us all. I am so glad I received that message when I had the greatest chance to move forward.

Getting divorced wasn't an instant cure. I didn't magically become someone who was confident enough to set and maintain boundaries. It was really hard work and the legalities and emotional battles were the hardest thing I've had to do. BUT, I wouldn't ever take it back or not attempt it again if I had to. My freedom for my children and I, and for my extended family and friends, has been the most rewarding gift I have given myself.

I wish that people would tell me "Congratulations" when they hear I am divorced, instead of "I'm sorry"  I know it's not like that for everyone, but why shouldn't I feel proud for my achievement? I did it. And I am so proud of myself.

I am not bitter about marriage. I would love to meet the right person and remarry. I have so many great role models in my life that show me it's possible. Boy am I glad I cleared the decks of a horrible marriage to make it a possibility in my future.

I deserve the best marriage ever, my kids deserve a great dad too who can be an amazing role model as husband and dad. Hopefully one day this will happen for us xxx

[Forward2free]

I know, historically divorce is viewed as a failure, and I guess that's why it was such a hard action to swallow.

I was brought up in a religious family and actually didn't meet anyone who was divorced until I met my best friends parents when I was 15 years old. It wasn't until I was 23 and working that I met another divorcee.

They were lovely people, and living life to the full when I met them - certainly not wallowing in divorce.

Why was it then that I insisted in staying in a bad marriage instead of accepting divorce much earlier?

I have honestly never been happier than I am now.

For the first time, I was able to be totally honest about how bad my marriage was instead of pretending that it was mostly good and BPD/Nxh was just having a bad day. I didn't feel the need to cover up for him or try to smooth things over. I was free of feeling responsible for his actions and attitude.

For the first time, I felt free of his filthy pathological lies and cheating and I didn't need to pretend I was the only one. Friends who lived next door finally told me about the younger girls that used to be in my house with him when I was at work, providing for our family. They didn't feel the need to cover up for him anymore either.

It took a long time to feel relaxed instead of anxious, but everyday brought about a new perspective. I watched my kids blossom too and the more I stopped walking on eggshells, the more they relaxed into themselves. We had no one to fear in our house. That is the greatest gift my children will never know I gave them.

I do think people should fight to save their marriages and to try and get help etc. BUT, not every marriage should be saved. I think that people should feel safe in their homes, feel safe with their partner, feel loved and accepted, be an individual who is married instead of a puppet to control, and be loved. God understands that too and wants that for us all. I am so glad I received that message when I had the greatest chance to move forward.

Getting divorced wasn't an instant cure. I didn't magically become someone who was confident enough to set and maintain boundaries. It was really hard work and the legalities and emotional battles were the hardest thing I've had to do. BUT, I wouldn't ever take it back or not attempt it again if I had to. My freedom for my children and I, and for my extended family and friends, has been the most rewarding gift I have given myself.

I wish that people would tell me "Congratulations" when they hear I am divorced, instead of "I'm sorry"  I know it's not like that for everyone, but why shouldn't I feel proud for my achievement? I did it. And I am so proud of myself.

I am not bitter about marriage. I would love to meet the right person and remarry. I have so many great role models in my life that show me it's possible. Boy am I glad I cleared the decks of a horrible marriage to make it a possibility in my future.

I deserve the best marriage ever, my kids deserve a great dad too who can be an amazing role model as husband and dad. Hopefully one day this will happen for us xxx

[peacebaby]

  Congratulations! 

[Mutt]

I do think people should fight to save their marriages and to try and get help etc. BUT, not every marriage should be saved. I think that people should feel safe in their homes, feel safe with their partner, feel loved and accepted, be an individual who is married instead of a puppet to control, and be loved. God understands that too and wants that for us all. I am so glad I received that message when I had the greatest chance to move forward.

Getting divorced wasn't an instant cure. I didn't magically become someone who was confident enough to set and maintain boundaries. It was really hard work and the legalities and emotional battles were the hardest thing I've had to do. BUT, I wouldn't ever take it back or not attempt it again if I had to. My freedom for my children and I, and for my extended family and friends, has been the most rewarding gift I have given myself.

I have a religious background and I thought the same, I kept trying to save something that didn't work because of my perception. I thought that it would make me look like a failure and divorce is not an option.

What a difference a year makes when you are separated. Thank you for sharing your thoughts and experience Forward2free. I tried as hard as I could to salvage it and fight for it and it didn't mean as much to my ex as it did to me. She used to use "divorce" as a tool for emotional blackmail.

It is the hardest thing I have gone through in my life emotionally, but also the best thing that she did for me. We deserve to be happy.   You made my day with your post, thank you. 

[whirlpoollife]

Thanks too for sharing your words and validating thoughts, Foward2free. 

I wish that people would tell me "Congratulations" when they hear I am divorced, instead of "I'm sorry"  I know it's not like that for everyone, but why shouldn't I feel proud for my achievement? I did it. And I am so proud of myself.

I have heard , "I'm sorry" many times and did not know quite what to say.

[Lucky Jim]

Thanks, Forward2free, for this inspiring post.  I admire your positive attitude and confidence going forward.  LJ

[mywifecrazy]

I know, historically divorce is viewed as a failure, and I guess that's why it was such a hard action to swallow.

I was brought up in a religious family and actually didn't meet anyone who was divorced until I met my best friends parents when I was 15 years old.

I do think people should fight to save their marriages and to try and get help etc. BUT, not every marriage should be saved. I think that people should feel safe in their homes, feel safe with their partner, feel loved and accepted, be an individual who is married instead of a puppet to control, and be loved. God understands that too and wants that for us all. I am so glad I received that message when I had the greatest chance to move fwd.

I am not bitter about marriage. I would love to meet the right person and remarry. I have so many great role models in my life that show me it's possible. Boy am I glad I cleared the decks of a horrible marriage to make it a possibility in my future.

Thank you so much for this post. Ironic that I read it the day after the Judge signed my divorce decree. Today is my first official day of being single in 18-1/2 yrs.

I agree with everything you said. I'm a Christian Believer and I believe in the sanctity of Marriage. I even tried to reconcile after I caught uBPDxw cheating on me. But you can't have a 50% marriage. If one partner (pwBPD) is unwilling to get help and work on healing the marriage there is nothing you can do. I was very sad and hurt at first but now I feel Born Again! I'm looking forward with confidence at the rest of my life. I just hate the fact that my kids still hurt from their Moms behavior.

It says in the Bible that God hates divorce. In my humble opinion I believe it saddens God to see all the hurt it causes by the failure of people to communicate and do what is required to have a HEALTHY marriage. It doesn't say in the Bible anything about staying in an unhealthy hurtful marriage. As a matter of fact it does mention that adultery is not acceptable and a means for asking for a divorce. I think every last story on these boards has a pwBPD cheating on their spouse!

MOVING FORWARD AND NOT LOOKING BACK! God bless!

[Forward2free]

I truly believe that God did not want me to endure any more years of my husband's infidelity and increasing verbal and physical violence. I also believe that God wouldn't have wanted me to keep the children in such a volatile situation.

I was a slow learner. It was only after BPD/Nxh tried to kill me that I got the message loud and clear that I needed out of the marriage. I was desperately trying to save my marriage, but I only had control of me and my part. I was doing my part and his part and everything in between. No amount of me doing everything was going to save it.

I would rather my children see me as a confident, independent and balanced single mum than the jittery, afraid, stressed, heartbroken, fragile and beaten wife of BPD/Nxh.

@whirlpoollife when people tell me "I'm sorry", I just tell them "thanks, I wished I'd done it sooner too - I'm so much happier now" 

[Forward2free]

Thank you all for your messages, I'm so glad my thoughts were able to comfort xxx One of the biggest lessons I've learned is that we all keep so much to ourselves out of shame and fear of what others will think. But if there is just one person that the truth can touch and show that you can get to happily-ever-after through divorce after what we've endured, then that's awesome!

It is the hardest thing I have gone through in my life emotionally, but also the best thing that she did for me. We deserve to be happy.   You made my day with your post, thank you.  

It's amazing what 12 months can do! Congratulations xxx

It says in the Bible that God hates divorce. In my humble opinion I believe it saddens God to see all the hurt it causes by the failure of people to communicate and do what is required to have a HEALTHY marriage. It doesn't say in the Bible anything about staying in an unhealthy hurtful marriage. As a matter of fact it does mention that adultery is not acceptable and a means for asking for a divorce. I think every last story on these boards has a pwBPD cheating on their spouse!

This is so important and I completely agree. I hope the churches/communities begin (if they haven't already) to accept this too, and assist families who are being hurt in their own homes. Until divorce is recognised as an appropriate boundary, domestic violence and infidelity will continue to be accepted in some communities.

Thank you so much for this post. Ironic that I read it the day after the Judge signed my divorce decree. Today is my first official day of being single in 18-1/2 yrs.

Enjoy the first day of the rest of your life!