A case of the what ifs

[Allmessedup]

I had a few good days and then yesterday was a not so good one.  I wasn't feeling well ( induced by going out with an old friend and having two martins ). And had a stressful day with my dog requiring emergency surgery.  Then last night my ex son wanted to talk ( but ended up not). I was triggered by several reminders throughout the day as well as starting my day by waking from a dream about her ;(

This morning I have taken some time to look at myself yet again and I see a correlation to my bad days with my physical state.  In further introspection I see that directly has to do with my past and my relationship with my mother who is undiagnosed.  On the days I was not feeling well even as an adult she was there to take care of me.  My ex also was usually on her best behavior then as well.  For both the rest of the time pretty much sucked.

So I see that is what I am missing which is good.

However them my mind wanders to the what ifs

What if I am the problem

What if I deal with my past garbage? Does that change things

What if I was the one who made her feel so engulfed with my reacting to my emotional past

What if I taught her to expect all of her needs to be taken care of with my co dependency

What if I learn to establish boundaries. Would that change anything

Now I know that I have so many of my own issues.  I even know that she won't change... . she can't.  And I also know in my head that all of my what ifs aren't going to make our relationship healthy... . in my head at least.  But my heart... my hope creeps back in and makes me second guess myself all over again.

We are no contact.  Have been for 6 weeks. I suppose I just feel unsettled as to where I am at right now.  I know it will pass but I am hoping that sharing will help me back out of this FOG

[Tolou]

The what is ran through my mind too... .

The truth is though, you did not make this person the way they are... . All these things that were inside you and her, were there before you met, you just brought it out of one another.  Maybe, you a what if could be?

What if this was needed so you could grow?

What if this happened so you can be honest with yourself?

What if this enlightment will lead you towards a healthier path and ultimately a healthier person?

change the what if to more positive, if possible, instead of dwelling what could have should have would have been... . Sometimes we try and things do not work out the way we want them too and it's okay.  Learn from it and grow don't let this consume.  If you have issues, focus on them, they were there before her, she just brought that all to the surface.

just food for thought, some of my own relflections that helped and continue to help me move forward, I'm going on 9 months NC and things do get better.  But the will always be the what if's... . the what if I couldn't deal with was,

"what if she really succeeds in the suicide attempt this time"

that was my deal breaker.

[happylogist]

I also thought a lot of "what ifs" and "what shoulds", also wrote a post here... .

After being NC for 6 months and reanalyzing my choices and my life, I was contacted by him again. It was a bitter contact, because I understood that nothing has changed and even more - he did not acknowledge his part of the hurt, implying that it was my choice to be in contact with him and my responsibility to accept him like that, reluctantly acknowledging the difficult situation he put me in, but still blaming me for not "making it easy for him"... . I realized I changed a lot - I was not afraid to lose him - I was honest to myself and faced my demons... .   I do not revisit the what ifs - as I used to be obsessive about all kinds of scenarios if I had been like that or said something else. I have the present where I can change and future that I can plan, but the past is past and it takes a lot to let it go - it is part of the growing, the most important project I have so far... .

[Tolou]

happy,

exactly how I feel... . I saw them and it was like, damn, your still the same, the way of thinking balming etc... . no accountability... .

don't want that or need that in my life.

[LettingGo14]

However them my mind wanders to the what ifs

What if I am the problem

What if I deal with my past garbage? Does that change things

What if I was the one who made her feel so engulfed with my reacting to my emotional past

What if I taught her to expect all of her needs to be taken care of with my co dependency

What if I learn to establish boundaries. Would that change anything

Now I know that I have so many of my own issues.  I even know that she won't change... . she can't.  And I also know in my head that all of my what ifs aren't going to make our relationship healthy... . in my head at least.  But my heart... my hope creeps back in and makes me second guess myself all over again.

We are no contact.  Have been for 6 weeks. I suppose I just feel unsettled as to where I am at right now.  I know it will pass but I am hoping that sharing will help me back out of this FOG

Thank you for sharing this.  The "what ifs" are questions that have haunted me, and led to countless re-cycles in a four year relationship that ended with BPDxgf abandoning me four months ago.   I found this website a week ago, and suddenly I can breathe again because I realize I'm not alone.

As part of my own therapy, I've been trying to reframe things.   And, if you don't mind -- because I had the same questions as you -- I'd reframe the what ifs as follows:

1. We were "participants" in the relationship, not "problems" -- my BPDxgf used to dump blame at my feet ("you can't commit, you can't let go, you can't give me what I need" and I felt like a "problem" --- in retrospect, I allowed that as a "participant" but I let go of calling myself a problem.   (Note:  I read a quote by a Buddhist nun, Pema Chodron that says, "You are the sky.  Everything else -- it's just the weather."  Now, I try to visualize myself as blue sky, with periodic emotional weather... . )

2. We are dealing with ourselves.  And it will change things.   (My hope is that it will let me release by BPDxgf completely and move on).

3.  We have no control over BPDx.   BPDx engulfs for reasons we can't own.

4. We can't make someone else "whole."  We can only work on ourselves. My new motto is, "Be the person you want to attract."

5. Establishing boundaries will help us, not others.

Thanks for writing what you wrote.   I'm in the same boat and appreciate your willingness to share.   I no longer feel so alone.



   

[24/7/30]

1. We were "participants" in the relationship, not "problems" -- my BPDxgf used to dump blame at my feet ("you can't commit, you can't let go, you can't give me what I need" and I felt like a "problem" --- in retrospect, I allowed that as a "participant" but I let go of calling myself a problem.   (Note:  I read a quote by a Buddhist nun, Pema Chodron that says, "You are the sky.  Everything else -- it's just the weather."  Now, I try to visualize myself as blue sky, with periodic emotional weather... . )

2. We are dealing with ourselves.  And it will change things.   (My hope is that it will let me release by BPDxgf completely and move on).

3.  We have no control over BPDx.   BPDx engulfs for reasons we can't own.

4. We can't make someone else "whole."  We can only work on ourselves. My new motto is, "Be the person you want to attract."

5. Establishing boundaries will help us, not others.

Thanks for writing what you wrote.   I'm in the same boat and appreciate your willingness to share.   I no longer feel so alone.

Thanks for this post.  Especially for we are participants not problems.  In the beginning the "brainwashing" was so subtle and then so overt and then so subtle that over time I completely believed this about myself.  I was the problem.  I didn't do things right.  I was messing up all the time.  What I learned overtime is that NO MATTER WHAT I DID, it did not matter.  I was never going to measure up.  I was NEVER ENOUGH. 

I have written many of my thoughts and misconceptions about myself on my Notes on my phone and when I feel weak and feel like I need that initial "fix"... . the seductive side of my ex, I read all the stuff on those pages... . reminding me of how I feel most of the time.  It is so helpful for me and I have access to those reminders all the time. 

Again  thanks for all of you.

[seeking balance]

Hard days do happen   and what makes us grow is doing what you are - looking for patterns and sharing... . good job

Others have wisely addressed the dreaded "what ifs". 

In further introspection I see that directly has to do with my past and my relationship with my mother who is undiagnosed.  On the days I was not feeling well even as an adult she was there to take care of me.  My ex also was usually on her best behavior then as well.  For both the rest of the time pretty much sucked.

Here is your core stuff served up nicely ... . feeling bad=illusion of unconditional love

Grieving and healing this is your true silver lining to this situation.  If you are in T, please make sure to discuss this - hopefully you have a T that can give you some real exercises in going into this pain so you can let it go.  You will be changed, and your "what ifs" will fade away.

Courageous post!

Peace,

SB

[myself]

This morning I have taken some time to look at myself yet again and I see a correlation to my bad days with my physical state.  In further introspection I see that directly has to do with my past and my relationship with my mother who is undiagnosed.  On the days I was not feeling well even as an adult she was there to take care of me.  My ex also was usually on her best behavior then as well.

Feeling physically down can lead to feeling emotionally down. Feeling emotionally down can lead to feeling physically down. When you've been used to being taken care of, it can be more stressful when those other people aren't with you. A few good What Ifs to think of here is What If I take care of myself this time? What if I take care of myself next time? What if I change the pattern? What if I already am?

[Lucky Jim]

No doubt we all have our own issues, but in my view this doesn't diminish the impact of BPD.  We can grow from the experience of having been in a BPD r/s, though I doubt the "what ifs" would change the outcome over the long haul.  Lucky Jim

[Tincup]

I think establishing good boundaries will help a great deal, I know it will for me and I am working on that.  Setting good boundaries will also make you feel much better about yourself.  I let someone back into my life at least 10 times AFTER they broke up with me.  I no longer want to be with ANYONE who doesn't want to be with me... . after all I am way to cool

[icecream]

The "what if's" who keep spinning around are hopefully a matter of time until we feel we've let it go completely.

Its a huge learning here for me to understand what brought us in this situation and how we struggle so much to let it go in mind and heart.

I've read a lot here and like you say, you can relate to early life experiences which brought you somehow in this situation were we participated as well in these cycles of our pwBPDex.

The thing what keeps unanswered for me is the fact i met a woman who was first a stranger for me, then we get to know eachother... better and better, things grew, meeting up, falling in love,no sign of BPD... . It went all very quickly which was new to me but we've both felt for eachother at that moment right. When we started a relationship thats when the mask of "normal behavior" started to drop.

What i wonder is... if she didnt had this "mask" things would have been maybe bright and shiny and we wouldnt struggle with ourselfs and dig into our wounds who had their place. So yea, we've participated in the BPD-cycles which i discovered after the break-up but it wouldnt made me doubt about my whole self and dropped my selfesteem if they were normal too... .    

I was happy with myself before her and when things started off normal i felt happily in love.  Its just people who have a caretaking/peoplepleasers- side should stay far away from pwBPD. Mine was never diagnosed as far as i know, she is aware of her chaos but beside saying she will take therapy nothing will ever change. I wish i had know all of this before, but i believe and hope time will heal the wounds.

Take good care for yourself, YOU deserve your pampering

[Allmessedup]

Wow.  I didn't expect such a wonderful response to my post

I work nights so I wrote this and headed to bed hoping that a nice long rest would help matters.  And it did... but to have all your responses helped even more so when I woke up and read them all.  I feel so incredibly supported right now.  Thank you!

Everyone brought up very good points. I am on my ipad right now so I can't figure how to quote you all but you are all right about the what ifs.  I need to change my thinking on those. 

This happened for a reason.  I met my ex almost 9 years ago.  We were work friends and only spoke at work primarily.  I left that job after a couple of years and we lost contact.  There was no relationship other than friends back then. In fact I thought she was nice but a bit odd if I am going to be utterly honest.

I came back to fill in at that job almost 4 years ago and I was in a way different point in my life emotionally.  I can see that I was struggling with my identity now, that I was feeling very lost and alone.  Which was incredibly different than I felt when we met prior.  Needless to say the dynamics changed hugely and we began an intense relationship.  I can see that she needed me at that point as well and therein lies the attraction.  We both were needed the other for things we were not filling in ourselves.

Sometimes I wonder how I escaped a relationship with her the first time that seemed so essential now?  Why did my feelings about her change so dramatically.  Sometimes I think if I can figure that out then I will be able to stop all of this hurt.

I just need to find that girl that I was again.

Seeking balance you brought up an incredibly important point to me.

Feeling bad= illusion of unconditional love.

I do not have a T.  For me it is tricky.  I know all about hippa but as a nurse at the only community mental health center my options are exceptionally limited. We both worked there and our relationship began at work.  Despite all the regulations about hippa I do not wish to jeapordize my employment nor start rumors.  I am too well known there.  And my insurance of course wants me to go there for any therapy.

So long story short I am doing this alone and on these boards.

However your point resonates hugely with me and also scares me at the same time.

In a previous post I mentioned about talking to my ex son and my fear of him discovering my daughters upcoming open heart surgery.  Because I desperately do not want her to know about it.   I will be so incredibly vulnerable then and she will know that. 

The fear about this speaks to me but I am not sure why quite yet.

I will look at that harder.  However you are very right.  I do associate being taken care of with unconditional love. 

Thank you so much for giving me that area to investigate!  I never thought about that before!

[seeking balance]

So long story short I am doing this alone and on these boards.

However your point resonates hugely with me and also scares me at the same time.

You wrote it, so it was your point 

If I were in your shoes, I would dig deeper and move this part of the post to the personal inventory board... .

[Allmessedup]

Thanks sb

I never contemplated that and actually now that I think about it I have so e more thoughts on it.

I don't know how to move a post but perhaps I will start a new post on the taking personal inventory board.

It is exciting to me in some weird way to find the source of this... at least on my end.  I see it as a big step towards healing me!

Thank u!