checked his social media... I feel weird

[caughtnreleased]

So, it's been 1 year + no contact. I'm moving on, done a lot of work, I'm detaching, and I'm having fun.  I was lucky in that the dBPDex managed to find a replacement right away and for whatever reason has been able to stick with her so he dropped off the radar and I haven't heard from him since, which has been very helpful, as I really had no choice but to move on and I'm definitely stronger than I was before I met him.

I did falter recently and checked his social media and... . I don't really know how to feel.  It would appear that he's still with his new wife, and she presents a picture perfect life, which smells rather manufactured. Not much "genuine" anything coming out of this perfect picture. What is weirding me out though is that in the pictures he really comes off like a teenager and I'm left thinking... . what? me? I was into THAT? what on earth is wrong with me?  A teenager (in the body of a man in his mid-thirties) threw my life upside down.  I'm at a loss to understand it (or myself) and I feel rather pathetic about it.

The other thing I cannot understand is that I was ready to check into an insane asylum after a few months with him.  I literally was having a nervous breakdown and I think he was too given the self destructive rampage he went on. We clearly triggered each other pretty much right away.  But here his new wife, who is many levels below me on the maturity scale and yet is still hacking it after more than a year with him? This goes beyond my comprehension. Totally.  It feels like gaslighting except SHE'S the one doing it! is that possible? I was convinced this guy could not sustain any kind of relationship whatsoever after my experience with him.  It was all just way too explosive and unpredictable.

I feel weird... . I feel like I'm the one who has a problem as I couldn't hack it after just a couple months with him, especially when he now appears to be a silly harmless teenager.  It's all such a mind f--k!  What do I do with it all?

[seeking balance]

I feel weird... . I feel like I'm the one who has a problem as I couldn't hack it after just a couple months with him, especially when he now appears to be a silly harmless teenager.  It's all such a mind f--k!  What do I do with it all?

So, let me see if I understand this - the guy drove you crazy and because he found someone who can tolerate him you now think you are the crazy one?

Comparing ourselves to the replacements can really be a useless act honestly.  It is not comparing apples to apples -heck it isn't even comparing apples to broccoli - each attachment bond is different.

Question - what were you feeling specifically when you decided to look him up on social media?  Can you name it?

[caughtnreleased]

Well... . I feel I was somewhat baited by facebook. It autocompletes his name in the search field, so when he showed up I clicked on it.  And once the gate was openned I figured I might as well get my fill while I'm here.  I was curious.  I guess I'm wondering when the shoe will drop with him.  Trying to understand what he is and is not capable of.  Why? I have no idea, or perhaps I feel that if I can understand him, then I can understand myself, because I still don't fully understand the intensity that I experienced with him, and exactly where it came from.   Just like the user whatwasthat... . what was that? is exactly how I feel about those crazy making months.  Despite doing a lot of work, and getting some answers on this, I still feel I don't yet have all the answers to what that was!

I actually didn't know that every attachment bond is different with pwBPD... . I thought their style was intense attachment, as I experienced with him, which is why I figured he'd burn through people really quickly, as he did with me.   Seeing that not happen has thrown me for a loop, and yes makes me question myself.

[LettingGo14]

Any chance you could add him to your block list on Facebook?  He will never appear again!  You won't be able to search him, even accidently!

[seeking balance]

I actually didn't know that every attachment bond is different with pwBPD... . I thought their style was intense attachment, as I experienced with him, which is why I figured he'd burn through people really quickly, as he did with me.   Seeing that not happen has thrown me for a loop, and yes makes me question myself.

But she is not you - her "holes" are different than yours.  Her attachment reasons are different than yours - so comparing you to her is not an accurate assessment.

OK - baited by Facebook... . I actually had a request for this post recently, so it seems this is appropriate timing.  Original poster member 2010.

Quote from: 2010 on July 28, 2010, 05:17:01 AM

Quote

If I were a lucky person he would not engage me in a conversation, but I am not usually so lucky.

What does luck have to do with intent? Nothing. What does luck have to do with willpower? Nothing. If it is your intention to engage him in conversation, luck (or bad luck as it appears) is only an excuse to continue dialogue with a person that hurt you.

Having to be in the same place with him is nothing less than having to go grocery shopping while you're on a diet. You dont go into a supermarket and find yourself in the cookies and candy aisle because you're unlucky.  You might want to tempt fate and walk the aisle to prove something to yourself- but for the most part- that's setting yourself up in order to fail- and it's your addictive brain talking *instead* of your rational reason. The addictive brain loves to blame bad decisions on "luck."

If you happen down that cookie/candy aisle without thought, and then pick up a box of Hostess *Ding Dongs* just to sniff them- you'll find out pretty quickly that one sniff leads to a touch, and a touch leads to a read of the label, then... . the Ding Dong gets thrown into the cart. What's it going to hurt? Certainly the Ding Dong wants this, right? The Ding Dong says, "why hello, you've obviously been thinking about me. You obviously care. And I care too- I care that I have you right where I want. What a coincidence you walked down this aisle. To see me? Now, touch me, tell me how you like my new bald headed snowball wrapper- ssssh- don't speak- take me Home... . "

Addictive thought doesn't want you to think about the first defense (dont go down the aisle) BUT if you find yourself in the aisle, do not loiter- do not make small talk. Get away- do your business shopping and LEAVE. Do not sniff the Ding Dong, do not touch the Ding Dong and do not read the label to figure out if Ding Dong's ingredients are healthy. They are not. He is a Ding Dong. A ding dong is only empty calories- and if you take a bite you will get a sugar high only to crash and burn later with nothing to show for it.

Put the Ding Dong Down.

It's ok to be curious, just know that path tends to leave us feeling "off balance"... .

[caughtnreleased]

Hi yes I could block him but I feel I need to develop the will power to stay away, and I have mostly... . just sometimes I walk down the cookie aisle to take a whiff, and end up eating the whole bag!  I'm learning... . but sometimes we have to repeat our mistakes a few times before we understand they will only yield the same results

[seeking balance]

I'm learning... . but sometimes we have to repeat our mistakes a few times before we understand they will only yield the same results

You are doing just fine - we do it until we don't is all 

Don't let yourself do a mind game about comparing you to her... . no win on that.

If I were in your shoes, I would look at that core hurt/trigger in you that was pushed by all this - digging a little deeper in this area you can heal that wound a bit more.

[Tausk]

I'm learning... . but sometimes we have to repeat our mistakes a few times before we understand they will only yield the same results

You are doing just fine - we do it until we don't is all  

Don't let yourself do a mind game about comparing you to her... . no win on that.

If I were in your shoes, I would look at that core hurt/trigger in you that was pushed by all this - digging a little deeper in this area you can heal that wound a bit more.

Yeah, it takes time to heal.  When I started to google/FB stalk my ex to learn about her and her new life, it was at points in my life when I was uncertain about my recovery.  I felt tired of working so hard, I wanted to go back to familiar pain, I felt fear at going on alone to the next stage in my life.

So, trying to reattach by cyber stalking was a response.  However, those actions set me back in my recovery.  But what is worse is the possibility that it could have led to actual interactions with my ex.  Because although I know it's a Disorder, and I know that she's not inherently evil... . I also know that our time together is inherently destructive.  Simply,  I need to look at her as a Zombie from the Walking Dead who will devour me and cast me aside without remorse, and who will move on to the next man while I die watching her (it's already happened, don't think I'll make it through again.)

And I have to remember, just like on a train it's not the Caboose that kills but rather the Engine Car,    It's not the last action that caused the destruction, but always the first interaction with my ex that was really the killer.

Hang in there.  When I was FB stalking, it just hurt and confused me b/c I realized I wasn't in the picture at all and the person I loved wasn't there either.  Except her pictures looked so happy without me.  Yet I knew that she can't be that happy... . the cycle of confusion never ends.      Sadness.