My 16 yr old daughter... please help impossible situation

[Canadianmom1966]

Hi Everyone,

My 16 yr old daughter has a severe BPD as well as addiction issues. She is a very beautiful girl and has no issues attracting guys. The problem lies in her maintaining a romantic relationship is the problem... . actually maintaining any healthy relationships are impossible. She is so verbally aggressive and abusive towards everyone. Nothing is ever her fault and always blames everyone else. She has basically not beein in school full time sunce grade 6. Marijuana makes her extremely ill, to the point of having to see hospital admissions or visits more than 80 times in 2 years but she keeps using.

My daughter was born this way, has always been extremely difficult to manage. The constant threats of suicide, self harm, running and never coming back... . the mental anguish and emotional roller coaster is killing us day by day. She can get very violent as well abd slammed my hand in the door yesterday hurting and bruisung it quite badly.

She has once again run into boyfriend troubles, NOBODY, sticks around long. She has been sexually active since age 12... . sleeps with every guy that shows her attention. This is the third breakup with someone since September and it is us, the parents, that are left trying to mop up the mess.

She needs help so desperately but will not submit to it. At 16 in Canada we have no say over anything to do with Mental Health ( actually at age 12 they get to make their own mental health decisions)... . I feel like I am losing my mind. There us zero reasoning skills, zero common sense, zero conscience, like there is nobody ever home.

I don't know what to do anymore, really think she will wnd up dead before too long. Can't sleep, can't eat, so full of depression and anxiety because of her. Is there anyone that can help? This is not life anymore this is pure chaos and hell.

Thanks for reading and listening.  :'(

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lever.]

Hello

I am sorry that you are having such a difficult time...

I think you need to draw a line for everyone's sake. This sounds horrible.

I'm in the UK so things will be different, although here too once someone is 16 they get complete confidentiality and parents aren't involved, and also if they are considered competent they get control over their own health issues earlier. However if they are considered a risk to themselves or others things change and I wonder if that is the same where you are. If I was in the same position here I would contact the adolescent mental health service. They may refuse to give me any information but I would tell them that I was worried because my daughter is putting herself at risk and also I was worried for my own safety. Also I would consider calling the police if she hurt me (I would warn her in advance that my future plan was to do this)

Here she would still come under child protection legislation but I don't know the position for you. I think you need to involve the authorities if that is possible for you. Hope someone from Canada can advise you soon.

[peppersnap]

Hi - I'm so sorry that you're going through this. I have a 16 year old daughter too. I also knew from the beginning something wasn't right.

I hope you find some helpful things here. I agree with lever about contacting adolescent mental health services. I'm pretty sure in most countries there is some proviso about people reaching a state where they are not competent to make decisions even if they are legally old enough to do so.

I do hope you get the help you need. xx

[theplotthickens]

Canadamom,

I was at a very low point through the holidays.  What I had to do, is let it go and move ahead with my own life.  I am rekindling old interests and hobbies, and making new friends.

I also have a just turned 17 year old who has NO boundaries with boys.  I do not feel she is mature enough to date, as she acts like a 3 year old most of the time.  We have an alarm system, because I got tired of waking up to uninvited male guests, and tired of my dd running.   Parents take different stances with this, but that is ours.

Let me ask you this.  Have you become isolated because of your dd's issues?  Do you have hobbies and interests that you enjoy?  I used to be totally wrapped up in fixing my daughter and I have let that go.

Your daughter may remain unstable through her teen years.  I know mine has!  I am going to choose health for myself, and have some fun anyway, DANG it! 

[jellibeans]

Dear canadianmom

I am so sorry for your struggles with your dd. I know it is hard to get help in Canada. Did you see my post about Valerie Porr coming to talk in Toronto? Her book is really a good source of help. Have you heard of sashbear.org? This is group forms by parents who lost their daughter. I am wondering if that organization would be able to help you.

What kind of help is your dd getting now? Therapist? I know you posted before and people posted links for you... . did you look at any of those? Have you looked at a RTC?

[trainwreck4]

Canadianmom, I am so sorry this is happening to your family. I am also in Canada, so I am familiar with the privacy laws for our kids. My BPD17 is somewhat better these days, but it took some very clear boundaries to get here. I told her any violence in our house, the police would be called, there were several trips and admissions to hospital if I felt she was unsafe, I also contacted the Canadian mental health association to have a worker assigned to her. I was very clear with her that she will need this resource if she continues to refuse help. My goal was to do everything I could to help her because if the worst happened, I needed to know I had done everything within my power.  A paper trail is really important as well, so that when it comes time for a hospitalization, there is documentation to back up your story. I have never felt as powerless to help one of my children as I do with her.   You will find some peace once you have a clear game plan for any situation she throws at you, and I also found a locking online diary at the urging of one of her social workers. In this diary I said all the ugly things I was thinking and it actually served to cleanse me. I was able to look at our situation with a clear mind... .   I wish the people that made these laws could spend a day in our shoes.

[Canadianmom1966]

Hi Everyone, i really appreciate the advice and feedback. Everthing suggested we have tried. We have over 2000 pages of documentation regarding my daughter. Our Children's Hospital ( CHEO ) refuses to treat our daughter because she is so tough. They will not admit to psychiatry because they claim they do not have the resouces to help, say she needs mobths/years of treatment. She even found herself at Robert Smart, a secure locked down facility, for 6 months. They told us she has borderline, possibly bi polar, definitely ADD, learning disability... . but said they would only use behaviour modification, otherwise nothing else. She came out worse. We tried to abandon her to CHILDREN's aid at 15. They refused to take her because they said they were not equipped to be a mental health provider. Just this week alone

1. Taken to hospital by us because suicidal on Sunday. Dr would not even speak to us about it and let her go.

2. Ingests 24oz if straight cinnamon whiskey in 20 min Tuesday night, ended up with alcohol poisoning, taken to hospital, they call it a suicide attempt but let her go

3. We leave the house today for a doctors appointment for me. Within an hour the police were at our home because her and the boyfriend of 7 weeks dumps her. She threatens suicide on Facebook and a friend called the cops. The cops in turn call us and ask us if it is ok that they leave her alone until we got home. We said no but then were told that taking her to hospital was a waste of everyone's time.

She threatens self harm often. While she has yet to succeed one day she will.

We actually had our home province pay for treatment at a Utah residential facility in 2011.We were. 100% honest about our daughter. They had her for 12 hours and started saying she was too much for them. While we are trying to get her 2000 miles back home she wrecks their 40 thousand dollar Art Room. They call State Troopers rake her to Hospital and abandoned her down there. 

I have written Dr. Phil, they are showing interest. If anyone would be so incluned to write De. Phil, on our behalf explaining the need for Urgent Assistance. We are so far in over our heads with her. We have rules and boyndaries, law enforcement has been involved well iver 100 times since age 8. Children's Aid was intetested at age 14 because she did not want to get help in Utah so wrote a letter to a lawyer saying we abused her... . they believed her lies until they took her and she filed false claims of abuse against their staff and ramsacked their facilities and homes. They could not get her home to us fast enough.

We know that most with borderline are difficult on the best if days. Our daughter is imposssible. She has all these rights after 12 years old and we have none. One day we will show up in the papers again... . she is going to take our lives and probably her own. Some say, put her out, let her be homeless on the streets. She is mentally ill, very very sick. As a mother and father we look at her and wonder when or if someone will help us. How much longer can this go on? It is not just one or two relationships she has issues with, it is all relationships. The guys use her body as there playground and when the sex us not even worth it anymore they all leave... . leave us to mop up the mess. This is not life we are living, this is hell.

Thanks as always for readingths and listening to what seems like a rant... . thank the stars that this site exists.

Canadianmom1966

[lever.]

I'm sorry Canadianmum, my first response looks so inadequate now I see the whole story. The difficulty in getting help is quite shocking

[trainwreck4]

Canadianmom, I am humbled by your post. It looks like you really have tried everything within your power to help her. I can't imagine how scared you must be. I am assuming the doctors are being forthcoming with information regarding your daughter?  Have you been able to have her declared unfit to make her own medical decisions?  In our journey we have been blocked from knowing what her diagnosis is (but BPD was already on the table before we were blocked) and I found out yesterday she has a huge stash of antidepressants. One thing that did work for us was that on one occasion that she attempted suicide, I told the psych team that I have tried everything to get her help and had been turned down at every chance. I told them that I couldn't help her, and if they couldn't help her, they would know who can, and I won't be taking her home until they have something in place. But it sounds like you are already a strong advocate. In our county we have a place called the oecyc and of all the places, this one seemed to operate with common sense and seemed to reach the kids. You could Google it. I wonder if you have anything like that there?  And cmha was something that I felt provided for her future. I too have had people say to just turn her out, and I can't see sending someone with no skills out to the streets... .  Since you already have had contact with the media, I would explore that avenue. I work in our health care system and I have seen what happens for the families that go to the media. The squeaky wheel and all that.  I am finding in our case our daughter is less explosive as she ages, but it is the most heart-wrenching experience I have ever had... .  I wish I could wave a magic wand for you.  

[theplotthickens]

What a nightmare!  It sounds like you are doing absolutely everything you can.

One idea: if you feel you cannot keep your daughter safe, it is an option to take her to behavioral emergency room and refuse to take her home. If it is desperate, you could leave her there.  Yes, child services will be called, but that might not be the worst thing. 

A DBT therapist whom I trust, suggested the above to me, if the hospital keeps refusing to admit.  It is scary, but this is a desperate situation.

Hang in there, Canadamom!

[Reality]

Canadianmom1966:

The Canadian Mental Health Association might be helpful, if you have not contacted them, as yet.  It is worth a try.  

Contacting the media, The Star or the CBC, might be helpful.  The recent stories of Ashley Smith and Raetah  Parsons and the poor state of mental health care in Canada are in the public consciousness.  

I know of two other young people right now whose families are in a very similar situation to yours.  

Keep posting here.  There will be helpful suggestions and support.  

Reality

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[Reality]

Canadianmom1966:

I am wondering about your daughter's education.  If she doesn't attend school full-time, has she gained her credits nonetheless?

Reality

[jellibeans]

Dear CanadianMom

I am so sorry... . I feel helpless to help you but I wanted you to know that I am thinking of you. I just don't understand why the hospital won't keep her? Can you tell us where in Canada you are... . I am Canadian but have been living in the states for close to 20 years now but I have some friends there I can try to talk to... . Please let me know and I will try to get you some help... . hang in there  

[Canadianmom1966]

Once again thank you to everyone. Child services has washed their hands because she is 16 now. One thing that works against us is we have been at this since she was 3... . we tried so hard to tell everyone this was not just a strong willed kid that wanted her own way. Our local Children's hospital refuses to help or treat. Had two doctors there tell me we might as well accept it, that she is going to end up a drug addict, homeless and a prostitute... . another the head of their emergency department, write a letter informing other hospitals not to treat her or how to treat her. She is going to kill herself, no doubt in our minds. She has not been earning high school credits, end of grade 11 almost and sits with 5 credits total and those were a gift really. They all feel that while she is unstable, still capable of making her own decisions. It is just sick... . her father said just yesterday that the hospitals and professionals want her to take her life, makes their lives easier and they never have to deal with her extremely difficult behaviours and thoughts. They call security often... . i am going to check out Pine River Institute here in Ontario. We can not afford their fees but I will check it out. Most, if not all, won't take her because she is violent, very violent at times. The Police are so concerned that one has even given us his home and personal cell phone number... . the police do their job, will form her, bring her to hospital, wait for hours to hear yet again that my daughter is good to go... . all for attention blah blah blah... .

As parents we are completely spent, sleep little if at all most nights. We fear her, we fear for her. We will be planning her funeral very soon, she is going to succeed in her desire to end her endless suffering, endless rejection, constant judgement, no hope, no future. Its so painful and incredibly sad that she is the systems failure. Nobody who should care does. Does anyone know a good lawyer that may be interested in trying to bring accountability to the mental health system? Our local children's hospital is designated as the centre of excellence in Canada for child/youth in Mental health... . what a bad joke.

[Reality]

Canadianmom1966:

Pine River Institute invites phone calls for inquiries.  Phone them as soon as possible.  Many of the beds are now funded by the government and I think there is a reasonable monthly charge for sundries, although that can be waived.  There is a long waiting list; however, I recommend completing the application nonetheless.  The people there are kind and helpful.  High school credits are gained.  The wilderness program itself gains several outdoor leadership credits.  It is worth a try.  They have young people there with all kinds of diagnoses upon arrival.  

There is hope for your daughter even though this is a very serious situation.  Know that I have heard of other very similar crises here in Ontario.  You are right.  Our mental health care is a farce.  Yes, your daughter has underlying issues.  Also, our system feeds the illness in many ways, by traumatizing the patient and parents, when no help is given.  

It may be helpful to phone the Ministry of Health, at some point in the near future.  Explain your situation and ask that your daughter's needs be addressed immediately.  Record the details of the conversation.  

Keep your goal in mind: proper treatment for your daughter.  You are under extreme duress.  

Take very good care of yourself and think carefully about your end goal.  Your perceptions are very valid.  Trust your perceptions.

Your daughter's pain provokes the violence.  She is extremely confused right now and sees no options.  Tell her there is help.  Tell her she needs to think carefully about what she needs.  Ask her questions.  Be curious.  Talk to her.  Love her.  Inside the behavior is a dear young person trying to figure out how to live in this very difficult world.  Act into the situation.  Trust her perceptions.

We are all here for you and your daughter.  Sleep well, eat good food and keep posting.  Know you have friends here who understand.  

Reality

[co.jo]

I am so sorry you are in this situation. The only thing I can think of that might help would be to contact your MLA and MP. I know here in bC many things have happened as a result- our Green Party MP Elizabeth May has been helpful in situations like this. It is worth a try.

[theplotthickens]

Hi Canadamom!

I can relate to your situation, and I am heartbroken for you!  In our case, we have gained a lot of more traction without therapy, RTC, or treatment centers.  There are a lot of "out of the box" things we can do as parents to help our kids do better, with or without formal treatment.  Pretty much changing anything would help - just something to interrupt the negative spiral.  Do you have any respite available to you - such as grandparents or aunts/uncles that your dd could stay with to give you a break?

Don't believe the negative garbage that says your daughter is destined for this or that.  It simply is not true - a breakthrough for your family could be just around the corner!  It could come in the most unexpected place.  Without hope, we are nothing.  I get so agitated when professionals treat our kids like statistics.

It can and will get better.  If you want to brainstorm ideas of things YOU, as a parent, can do (with or without the help of professionals) let us know.  You are the single most important influence in her life.  Keep modeling compassion and strong boundaries.  Even if your daughter doesn't admit it, she loves you and looks up to you.  Modeling emotional regulation is a very powerful thing you can do.  You are a good mom, and you will eventually find answers.

You can do this!  We are here for you and understand what it is like to do more sinking than swimming.  My prayers are with you that you will find answers and good, solid plan!  Keep posting and let all those emotions out.  That helps so much!

[sadandscared]

My heart is breaking for you and your daughter. Although a lot of what you said rings true for ours as well. I have to admit that our daughter was a sweet, funny little girl with friends up until about 13. We live in the US and have had so many professionals trying to help her. She doesn't want the help. We were accepted into a very small group of adolescent dbt therapy back in Oct. We have been going twice a week. She doesn't use the skills taught and has now refused to go the last 3 times. If she doesn't go on Sat. we will be kicked out. I understand that this group is limited to only 5 and if she doesn't want to be there I'm sure there is another girl that needs it. I can't pick her up and force her to go. I will say a prayer and hope that help is on the way for you and her soon. I've been feeling so defeated and helpless also. I just want to sleep. I don't want to spend time with anyone and as much as I know it would help to go for a walk or work on a scrapbook, whatever. I just can't bring myself to do it. This disease has killed the person I used to be. This disease has killed the person my daughter used to be. It hurts

[Dibdob59]

You are not alone - but I know that does not help. 

You and I are strangers, we have never met and we never will, but nonetheless we are connected.  I care deeply for your pain and am sending you and your daughter my prayers.

Those who have not experienced BPD first hand with a child will not and can not understand.  I have posted on here before that living through this is a bereavement that never ends, a death of self and the child we love/d.

I pray for the time when BPD is openly and widely recognised as the debilitating illness it truly is. 

I pray for the time when there is widespread and effective treatment/therapy for our beloved children (whatever their age). 

I pray for there to be sustained and consistent global recognition and understanding that this is not merely spiteful behaviour which can just be controlled.

I pray for the patience to deal with my son in the best way I can - I struggle with this each and every day.

I pray for my UBPDS 29, for your daughter and for all the sons and daughters out there.  May they be blessed and find peace.

Dibdob

[sadandscared]

Thank you for your kind words. I want to carry what you said around with me and read it whenever I feel so alone.

[Ingjjj]

Hello Canadianmom and all that posted on this thread, my heart weeps for all our lost moments ... .

I am new here as well and can fully relate to your loss and frustration. The Canadian system for mental health does not fully recognize BPD in teens, although my DD has been diagnosed formally now, it came with a lot of heart break. I really had to educate myself, however I was fortunate to meet a counselor, when my daughter attempted suicide that was on my side and helped me and my husband understand. Even though we weren't told she was BPD until December 2013, I had already began to research BPD in teens.

My DD attempted suicide after a break up with a BF, she was in hospital for 10 days, in the back of my mind I was always concerned about suicide. This happened in may 2013. I always knew something wasn't right with her as well. Most folks just said we spoiled her to much when she turned 12, because she went from being a pleasant shy child to someone we didn't know. As much as I tried to explain to folks how things had gotten, no one seemed really to care, pointing blame at my DH and myself. Even the school said she was a ":)rama Queen", although she had a BF for 3 years, she was not faithful, this I found out from kids she went to school with, so much deception and so many lies. At first I was in denial, cause I couldn't believe the little girl I knew had become this person I didn't know.

Anyways I didn't want to make this about me and my family, I just know that here in Canada, it is really tuff. It boggles me that at such a young age these kids are left to make decisions about their mental health. I was in shock when I found out that at 14 girls can consent to sex, and a 5 year difference between partners is acceptable! at this young an age  ... . it just opens up a hole new window, although I was told my DD was very vulnerable, and a high risk for more attempts I have no way to keep her safe from choices she makes... . so frustrating and so heart breaking.

Ing

Our objective is to better understand the struggles our child faces and to learn the skills to improve our relationship and provide a supportive environment and also improve on our own emotional responses, attitudes and effectiveness as a family leaders

[lindaura3]

I just want to add, that although my daughter is a lot older than yours, we have similar problems.

Mine is a gorgeous and brilliant 36 year old, who has been living with my husband and me since she became so mentally ill. 

We found a Crisis Line - that leads into the mental health system here, in England, but I also used on in the USA, as I am American, and we returned there last year, hoping for help.

Help is hard to come by, but the crisis lines are great and the Psychologist call you right back and discuss everything with you.  The trouble is, that once your child is hospitalised, and they now hate you and refuse to let the doctors talk to you, it takes months to get the system to come to its senses and listen.

Anyway, what I want to say, that is different from everyone else, is that I have also been dealing with a violent child. Skinny as a rail, when enraged she is a demon and overpowers me easily.

Sometimes the best thing to do is to get her back in hospital to straighten out her meds - at least get her back on them - when of course, she sweet talks everyone into thinking she is perfectly all right and they let her out too soon, but, it does give you piece for a while - AND the next thing to do, is get her out of your house.

You can't have this danger with you.  I have lost all my savings paying for accommodation for my daughter.  I visit her nearly every day, but she lives in a separate flat.  When I feel her swinging toward delusion and anger, I say quickly, gotta go, see you tomorrow.

Sometimes, I screw and don't have my coat ready by the door and my handbag and phone in my hand.  These are things to remember.  Be prepared to flee.  Do not stay in a dangerous situation.

I almost got myself killed last year.  Everyone warned me to leave the house, but I stayed, fully dresses and prepared to run, but she tricked me and nearly murdered me.

Now, I am more careful, but the mood swings, and the rage, are impossible to predict. 

If you can get into the system, where you have a family mental health liaison, which should be available there, after your daughter's next hospitalisation, they can give you hints on how to react.  It is so hard. 

Any stress, brings on delusional behaviour, risky behaviour, alcohol abuse or in your case drug and sexual abuse.

YOU CANNOT challenge your daughter.  You need the health care system to help you. Look up the Crisis Line in your area.  There must be one.  Be prepared to be cut out of the loop for a while, but you'll be back in if you are persistent.

Good luck.  Stay safe.

[co.jo]

Which province are you in? Here in BC we do have an emergency mental health team that will come to your house, but it is not like anyone will offer that information up to you. You might ask about that.

[Rapt Reader]

Hello, Canadianmom1966, and I'd like to welcome you to this site. You've been given lots of very good information and advice from the other posters on this thread, and I hope that there's a way you can help your daughter while helping yourself with all her troubles. I'm very glad you found us 

One thing about this site is that along with the insights and good information you will get from the other members, we also have very many Workshops, Articles and LINKS (to the right-hand margin of this page: TOOLS & THE LESSONS) to check out. The information and practical, real-life help available will really amaze you if you haven't already had the chance to check this all out.

One thing, for every parent of a child that is violent and destructive, especially when you are in fear of them and what they might to do you, is to be prepared with a plan for your own safety: Safety First. This is a must-read for everyone who needs to know, ahead of time, what to do to stay safe. I really do recommend it strongly for your well-being. This is another link to read ahead of time, and keep in handy if you should ever need it: Emergency - Local Live Support Centers.

I would like to also point these out to you, in case you haven't read them already:

TOOLS: Dealing with threats of Suicide and Suicide Attempts

Depression and Suicidal Ideation

What can a parent do?

Parents’ “Bill of Rights”

And this video, for an enlightening insight into what we are dealing with, and how our children feel and think:

BPD Overview and Documentary - Back From the Edge Video

I know this post is link-heavy and loaded with information... . But I would like to encourage anyone on this thread, or reading this thread, having the issues being discussed here, to check these links out when you have the time. Make a nice cup of hot tea or coffee (or whatever works for you   ), settle in for a little bit, and read anything that seems to "speak" to you that I've posted above. And if you come up with any questions, don't hesitate to ask them... . We're here to help