Bizarre

[Moselle]

My uBPDw (separated 2 months) as had a co-dependent relationship with a more abusive business partner. Does it often happen that way?

I was coaching her last night about splitting, explaining that the partner is not necessarily black, but had white aspects too. Then I mentioned projecting and explained that. Then she told me about the boundaries she is putting in place (as I did with her 4 weeks ago, when I learned about them on this site)

How can I be having this conversation with her and she can't see that she is the abuser in our relationship. Is she blind? in serious denial? or both?

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[In_n_Out]

I'll let somebody with better knowledge post a more proper response but what I would say is that my understanding is that those with BPD feel shame from it.  They know *something* is different with them, they aren't dumb to the fact, however because of the shame that the feel about being different, they project, split, etc, etc to mask that shame.

Also, careful with boundaries that you "set for her".  Boundaries set for someone other than yourself are not boundaries but are rules, and in a BPD's mind, rules are meant to be broken.  Just my $.02.

[Moselle]

Also, careful with boundaries that you "set for her".  Boundaries set for someone other than yourself are not boundaries but are rules, and in a BPD's mind, rules are meant to be broken.  Just my $.02.

Great feedback In n Out, I'm still coming to terms with my being co-dependent in this relationship (found out 7 weeks ago) and it's interesting to see that in my comment. Indeed the boundaries are mine. Thanks for the reminder!

[In_n_Out]

Hang in there.  I'm working through the same ordeal.  I'm actually quite proud of me and my dBPD(x?)gf.  Last night a situation came up from my boneheadeness that involved an ex ex gf of mine and jealousy issues.  My PD x let me know that she was upset at what was said and I tried to validate that but felt that I was losing control of the situation and saw it potentially blowing up to drastic proportions.  Instead, she excused herself, gave me a hug goodbye and said that she loves me.  She later sent a text and said to check my email that she had sent me something.  It was a copy/paste of a post that she made on facebook about learning to walk away and living your own dreams for yourself.  I thought "oh God, here we go.  Painted black and the splitting all over again". 

This morning she sent a text saying that she loves me very much and that she's here for me.  We've had a wonderful exchange of texts all morning including talks of future plans together.  I again validated her emotions, apologized for being inconsiderate of them (I really did bonehead) and that I'm proud and happy that it appears that we may of gotten through a potentially damaging situation but we were both able to hold ourselves in check and talk it through.  I'm praying that it's her DBT training that is perhaps paying off (along with my patience and newfound understanding of how to better relate to her).

[Moselle]

Thanks for the encouragement. I actually learned a heck of a lot through the ordeal of separation, but although I need to build a relationship with my uBPDw, I'm not sure I can live with her. I just don't know if I have the strength.