Co-parenting through email

[Turkish]

We got into an email exchange yesterday regarding the joint custody stipulation. I sent her a draft to look over (I'm paying the lawyer, I don't want to go back and forth costing $$). Surprisingly, she had no problem with it. Not one. I think she just wants it out of the way so she can continue being teen lover half the time, and projecting good mom the other half. I did, of course, point out the language which talked about flexibility. Later, I know my boundaries will be tested. I need this done and signed while she is still in the honeymoon phase with her paramour, and she is. Last night, her nightly call was after the kids were asleep (she knows what time I put them to bed, earlier than she does... . which is 9-9:30 sometimes). She was busy I imagine. She said, "ok, thank you, 'bye." So much for her email request to talk about some of these issues over the phone. I'd rather keep it to email.

We then talked through the emails a little about how the kids were doing. I hit myself on the head after this exchange because I feel her tendency to come on as the more sagacious parent (despite her deep fears of being an inadequate mother, which she has verbalized to me in the past, as little as two weeks ago). I need to remind myself that she is not healthy, and what she projects one week, day, or even at different times of the day (when she was with me) are almost like different people. I probably volunteered a little too much info on how they were doing with me, and the ease or difficulty in getting them to bed as we are still at the attachment stage, especially with D22 mos (S4 seems to be taking this all in stride).

She told me she has been communicating with S4 better. That the other day, S4 said, "you're mad at me!" and she replied, "yes I was, do you know why mommy was mad at you?" "Yes, because I was running around the apartment." Still the anger and triggers... . but hey, at least they seem to be communicating at this point. I sense no difficulty or moodiness from them at this point. Only three weeks out, and D1 is suddenly less clingy to me. She was desperately so the first two weeks.

[ennie]

We really notice the difference between my two SDs depending on how mom is doing.  SD 13 is really prickly and difficult on transitions when mom is acting more crazy and upset, but then is totally relieved to be at our house though she would never verbalize this.  When mom is doing well and is happy, SD13 is really easy at transitions.

SD9 tends to be VERY clingy to us when mom is acting more crazy, and then later misses her mom.  When mom is more normal, she really misses her when transitioning to our house, but then does not miss her the rest of the time.  And she is not clingy when mom is more calm. 

So when mom is acting very BPD, SD13 clings to mom and SD9 clings to us.  It has been this way since DH first divorced, 8 years ago.  So we can tell when mom is going through a hard time, just by who clings to whom. 

[Turkish]

We really notice the difference between my two SDs depending on how mom is doing.  SD 13 is really prickly and difficult on transitions when mom is acting more crazy and upset, but then is totally relieved to be at our house though she would never verbalize this.  When mom is doing well and is happy, SD13 is really easy at transitions.

SD9 tends to be VERY clingy to us when mom is acting more crazy, and then later misses her mom.  When mom is more normal, she really misses her when transitioning to our house, but then does not miss her the rest of the time.  And she is not clingy when mom is more calm. 

So when mom is acting very BPD, SD13 clings to mom and SD9 clings to us.  It has been this way since DH first divorced, 8 years ago.  So we can tell when mom is going through a hard time, just by who clings to whom. 

That makes sense. I will keep an eye on those behaviors, thanks.