Feel Like My Fever Broke

[myself]

The fever of missing her. Of blaming myself for things I couldn't have done differently. Of crying every night because she's not here, and won't be again. I felt bad going back on my word with her about always staying, and for leaving someone who has such obvious problems. But I was going down with the ship for reasons that were illusions, which ended up hurting more than helping anyone.

I've been coming to this site and dealing with this for a long time, and it's finally really sinking in that I'll be ok moving on. I AM ok! I doubted it, took it out on myself, and lost sleep. I felt embarrassed and humiliated around my married friends and co-workers. People who had been invited to a wedding that never happened. Every one of them said it was her loss, but I felt it was mine. Which it is, but now I see things for what they are and not as how I wish they were. It's better this way. Health and strength are rapidly returning. I don't ruminate as much. If only I didn't dream about her so often, but that too will change. I still love and care for her, but there's no going back.

If there's hope for me, and progress like this (still detaching), then for those of you wondering if you'll get through it, I can say, if you put your focus on it, you will. I was really down on myself about it taking so long, but it took as long as it needed. To get to where this BPD r/s-induced fever is finally breaking.

[woodsposse]

I couldn't not have worded it any better.

And even if I tried - it would have ended up sounding exactly the same.  For my experience you wrote in your words.  I went through the exact same thing.

Luckily this wasn't my first go around with a r/s with a PD woman.  The first time the detachment was horrible.  I mean brutal.  We had three kids together... . and the separation was worse because I didn't see my kids for some time.

Long story short - after I got back on my feet (after a few recycles and moving across country a number of times), I settled in... . and got custody of my kids.  If I thought the separation was brutal... . me getting custody was even worse.  What I found out she did to the kids in my absence and what she tried to do to me when I tried to make sure my kids were okay is LEGENDARY.

Luckily, I had the law on my side and I'm a pretty intelligent person (so I did what any good father would do and learn the family law codes backwards and forwards so the only reason I needed an attorney was because the judge said I did... . but I wrote the final custody agreement word for word... . don't mess with a daddy on a mission).  I was ready for her non-sense at every turn and was able to get my kids raised as best I possibly could.

Only problem is - during all that time I didn't notice that my new wife was displaying pretty much the same signs.  And by the time I figured it out - it was way entirely too late.  (Mind you, they were undiagnosed... . and my almost exwife wasn't diagnosed until a few months before the split... . much too late to do anything).

Anyway... . yes, it took as long as it was going to take to detach.  yes, there was shame and guilt and "what if's"... . all pretty standard (albeit painful) stuff.

I think we all have been there.  I'm glad you are seeing things a little clearer.  Keep on the path to healing.

[myself]

Had Chinese food tonight. The fortune from the cookie says,

":)on't let the past and useless details choke your existence."

I'm very thankful for these positive changes in my life.

For the shifts in perspective. For facing myself more.

For having the chance to be in love, and learn from it.

I'm not immune to her, but I feel I'm getting over the intensity.

[woodsposse]

I'm not immune to her, but I feel I'm getting over the intensity.

Truth is... . you may not be "immune" to her for a while.

But... . it does happen.  Trust me.

The more you spend time in healthy relationships (be it friends, family, co-workers, or a SO) you will be able to spot the drama a mile away and say to yourself "uh... . why would you want to go back to that?"

Seriously... . why?

I made a metaphor in one of my other posts which may fit here.

Think of it like this.

Someone breaks into your house, steals your stuff.  You get mad, confront them... . they make you feel like you have done something wrong by being mad and confronting them so you try and make peace with them so they won't be upset because you made a mistake by being mad at them and confronting them about it.  (and they don't give you your stuff back).

You are going to want to make up with your abuser?

[myself]

Can't go back. What's happening now is better. I see a lot of future in that.

[woodsposse]

Can't go back. What's happening now is better. I see a lot of future in that.

Interesting.

I totally understand "can't go back".  But something tells me deep in the back of your head you may be pondering "but if I could... . would I?"

If so... . I would say join the club.

I LITERALLY set up roadblocks to getting back together.  I moved out of our house and into a place she wasn't welcomed to come and go as she pleased.  (yes it is "my place"... . long story... . let's just say her being here wasn't welcomed and I capitulated to the landlords request.  Sure I could have made it so she could come and go whenever she wanted... . but I didn't want - I didn't trust myself to be able to say no).

I made it so I didn't have transportation to come and go to see her on a whim.

And I think... . no, I'm pretty positive I hunkered down and stayed my course with my new r/s because I knew it got under her skin... . made her even more angry at me... . thus pushing me away even more.  The more she bellyached because she new me and my new gal were going out, dancing, movies, work events, and even took an out of town vacation... . the more I knew I was putting distance in between my present and our past.

Sure she tried to get me to drop her. She even wanted  me to stop talking to my other friends.

Funny how when I have friends (friends) she rails against them.  But it is okay that she is sleeping with god knows how many people and made me look like a fool to everyone (including our kids) with her lies and secrets and deceit.

And by funny I mean F'ed up!

But in all that... . even though there were things in play which made it so we couldn't get back - my mind still wondered from time to time about "IF" it were possible would I do it.

Well that was then.  This is now.

I wouldn't and won't.  I don't want it. 

There is a great internet meme I recently saw which said "If you spent all this energy loving the wrong person, what could you do loving the right one?"

So for me... . time has come.  I can remove the barricades.  I don't need them any longer.  I'm safe.

And I so wish that for you as well.

[node4]

Love this.

":)on't let the past and useless details choke your existence."

[HealingForMe]

Congrats on your recovery. It is a process & one that is different for each person, so dont stress if its taken you longer than you thought it would or wanted it to. Well done & stay strong 

[cosmonaut]

I needed to hear this.  I've been having a hard time this week, and have been second guessing myself like crazy.

When did you really feel like things turned the corner for you emotionally?  Was there something in particular you did?  So important realization?  Was it just time?  Did you try to work things out with your ex at any point?  Do you have any advice for those of us who are still quite early in this process?

Thanks for your post.  It gives me hope that it's possible to get past all this.

[myself]

Thanks for the replies. What really got me here is letting go. Facts, not illusions. Making that decision and sticking with it. It's been hard, but what I need to do. Going through the pain, crying the tears, making as much sense of this as I can and continuing to move forward. Forgiveness, too. I never cut her completely from my life. She was free to try to be with me, we love each other, but I set boundaries she couldn't deal with like honesty and trust. I had been so caught up in her problems that I neglected myself. I thought I'd be lost without her, but I'm not. I miss the good times we shared, and the person she is when she can share them. I don't miss waiting for the inevitable other shoe to drop. It always landed on my heart. Not anymore.

[heartandwhole]

I don't miss waiting for the inevitable other shoe to drop. It always landed on my heart. Not anymore.

Myself,

I'm glad to hear this.  It's been a bumpy road, you've learned a lot, and I know you gave it your absolute all.  You can move on knowing that you were an exceptionally caring presence for your ex.  Now it's your turn.  You deserve to be loved for no other reason than the fact that you exist. 

And your heart definitely deserves to be shoe-less. 

[woodsposse]

I needed to hear this.  I've been having a hard time this week, and have been second guessing myself like crazy.

First off, you are not alone.  I'm sure we have all been there.

When did you really feel like things turned the corner for you emotionally?

Was there something in particular you did?  Some important realization?  Was it just time?  Did you try to work things out with your ex at any point?  Do you have any advice for those of us who are still quite early in this process?

A lot of questions - and will try and help answer some of them... . though they all pretty much end up the same.  To turn the corner emotionally was to first detach.  This had to be done with no contact.  Not seeing her, not talking to her (or only when needed) - and spending time away.

The more I allowed myself to answer her call, or text - or even reach out to her even in a "friendly" state... . was just making it worse because there was always the nagging feeling like all we had to do was get over one speed bump and then the open communication could flow again and we could make it.  But that was and is never going to happen.

Then I had to accept the realization that there was something in me which allowed me to put up with the behavior.  Outside of the fact that I loved her and was married... . what was it which allowed me to stay.  Once that came on-line I was not only able to detach, but can make a better way for me to heal.  As well as make me aware of what was actually going on and not to fall into the same trap again.

I think we all try to work things out at first.  I think we would give almost anything to get back to what we thought we had (which, in and of itself, was part of the problem).  we shouldn't have to give ANYTING to get what any loving partner should have by the very definition of a loving partnership should have.


The only real advice I could offer for where you may be at this moment is to spend some time focusing on you.  The reality of the situation is - you will never get closure... . you will never get a full understanding of what just happened or have them come back.  Because if they do come back, the process will start all over again (and again and again and again).

Once you spend some time away... . and can focus on you - you will be in a much better place to either deal with stepping back or staying away (and I'm willing to bet you once you get to a healing place, you will not ever want to go back.  why would you?)

It will take some time and some focusing on you.  Don't you think it is about time you focus on you... . instead of them and a r/s that never was?

[myself]

Thank you very much, Heartandwhole, I appreciate your kind words and support.

[HealingForMe]

I miss the good times we shared, and the person she is when she can share them. I don't miss waiting for the inevitable other shoe to drop. It always landed on my heart. Not anymore.

Well done. Its so easy to get caught up in the good times that we endure the bad times. I'm glad you're being strong, well done & keep up the good work 

[blissful_camper]

I needed to hear this.  I've been having a hard time this week, and have been second guessing myself like crazy.

When did you really feel like things turned the corner for you emotionally?  Was there something in particular you did?  So important realization?  Was it just time?  :)id you try to work things out with your ex at any point?  :)o you have any advice for those of us who are still quite early in this process?

Thanks for your post.  It gives me hope that it's possible to get past all this.

I was in so much pain when I left my ex.  The first few months I was confused, trying to make sense of what had happened.  I was angry at him for putting us through this. I missed him, and I cried so much I began counting the days that I didn't cry. I don't remember a time in my life where I felt that hurt and violated.  This was someone who was my best friend, and who said his goal was to "put a smile on my face."  In reality, his goal was to abuse me and wear me down, and at the end I barely recognized myself.

I left him last summer.  I began to turn a corner when I found out who he was in a relationship with.  While I was shocked, his choice provided clarity for me validating that what I'd experienced with him was an illusion.

From then on, when I thought of him I thought of the real him, him in his entirety.  The good (which I didn't see that often), the bad, and the ugly (which I saw more than I wish to remember). I redirected my focus to me, and honored my own needs. I rested when I needed to.  I read books about abusive relationships, and ones about healthy relationships. I watched movies members recommended on this forum.  I forced myself to focus on my work, and activities that were meaningful to me.  I asked myself why I got involved with him and why I stayed, and I began working on that issue (and I still am) when I had the answer.  

Toward the end of February, I had up and down days as usual, but there were more good days than bad ones.  I started feeling like my old self again. I noticed I was thinking less and less about him as time passed. I checked in with myself.  I asked myself questions such as "if he wanted to see me how would I respond?"  The answer was I didn't want to see him.  

I didn't try to work things out with my ex, but we spoke not too long ago.  He apologized and took responsibility for his actions, but interestingly, the closure and validation that I craved from him I had already provided for myself.  I didn't need validation or closure from him.  

What he's doing and whether he is happy or not isn't any of my business.  What concerns me is my own happiness and sense of well being. Would I have a conversation with him again?  Nope.  I can't relate to him.  :)o I miss him?  Nope.  There was so much chaos and deception at his end there's not much to miss.

I'm not the same person I was when I was with him.  I like who I've become.

Hang in there.  You will get through this.