should you believe what their ex says even if their ex is also mad at you?

[barbwire911]

Just wondering as given I was one of my BPD guy's many affairs, his ex hates me but had been in contact with my ex and told my ex it was never my xbfwBPD to be with me and he just used to me to help him find  place, etc when he left her.  She also told me he has moved onto someone 12 years younger and I should ask him about this new girl. When I did he said his ex lies and he is with no one but he got very defensive and hung up the phone despite I was calm and just stated I had believed him when he said he had no one else.  Our constant breakups were either he (very suddenly saying he needed to get emotionally better before being with anyone) or me (just because I could not take anymore and that is our current break up and we re in NC s ordered by my work as of a harrassment claim now from our health dept. due to how verbally abusive he is to me.)

Anyways my main question is are their ex's reliable sources of information?  She was with him 10 years and he cheated 6 times on her, once with her 17 year old cousin which she suspects but he denies yet he admitted it to me but I promised I would never say anything.  And likely she would never believe me if I did as she really appears to want him back given they have a daughter and she really thought he was the one.

[woodsposse]

The short answer... . no.

The longer answer is - what difference does it make?  If anyone in the string of replacements comes to you and tells you he is a changed man and his treatments are working and he is stable  - so?

Really... . what difference does it make wheter you believe what someone says - when you can believe what he does.  Actions always speak louder than words.

If you really really really want to know what to believe - do a simple chart.

Column A is what a healthy r/s looks like (love, respect, truth, commitment) - column B is everything your BPD did which runs counter to that (cheating, lying, back and fourth, arguing, illogical and irrational behaviors, blaming other people and situations for his behavior)... . or just list the many people he recycled.

Then step back and look at the list and ask yourself - which column is true and which column would bring you peace and wellness in your life.

If you pick column B... . don't know what to tell ya.

If you pick column A... . you are well on your way to healing, moving out of the insanity and towards a healthy lifestyle.

(Please pick column A)

[restoredsight]

I went down this road. I contacted her ex when we first broke up. Two of them, actually.

One I just asked what she was like. I  quickly figured out that the guy was a narcissist, and his only real opinion of her was that she was a sex addict, and that he knew how to control her by telling her what she could and couldn't do. He didn't believe me when I told him that she cheated on him with at least three people that I knew of, including myself. He laughed at the idea.

The other had maintained a long term friendship with her, and I had contacted him with the express purpose of trying to get her help. He very wisely told me that it was up to her and that I should look out for myself. He didn't seem to have a strong attachment to her at all, and just took her as she was. When the ex and I recycled, he moved in with us for most of a year, and he was completely ignorant of the majority of her self destructive qualities. He just didn't pay attention.

There's a problem with a great many of us that get involved with someone who is disordered. Truth is subjective. When you deal with people who have unstable personalities, talking to the people they interact with will already give up mixed results. Who they are to us is certainly not who they were to another person. Add that to the fact that many, if not all, of us involved with a disordered person have a skewed idea of reality as well.

I know it's difficult to do when you are in pain, but remember a caring person that was involved with a disordered person is wounded too.