Digging Deeper

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I've been reflecting on my triggers.   The places where I feel "stuck."   So I wanted to use an illustration, and request any input or insight for further work.

***

Trigger:  Asking myself, what if she contacts me?  What would I say? 

What my brain tells me to say (i.e. my gut reaction):  “You walked away.  You left me to die.  You don’t get to psychoanalyze me anymore.  You don’t get to shame or blame me anymore.  You don’t get to come back into my life.  The fact that I survived is none of your business.”

Prior to finding this community, I’d stop at my gut reaction, and I’d let it wind me up.   I’d write angry notes to self in my journal.  I’d make myself the victim.  Or, I’d start bargaining with myself (i.e., maybe I’d let her back into my life).

Lately, I’ve been trying to dig deeper.

   

Inner reflection:   My initial emotion is Anger.  It’s a cover up for the hurt that I feel.  The truth is I feel helpless. I feel vulnerable.  The deeper emotion is Fear.   Even though the 4-year relationship had bright spots, especially in the idealization phase, I never really felt safe, and she scares me still.   Or, perhaps, I am scared of how I participated in the relationship.   I don’t want to go back. 

I read somewhere that “all feelings are informational.”  I don’t think I ever learned to accept vulnerability.   Or helplessness.   Or heartbreak.  Somewhere, when I was a kid, I learned maladaptive coping techniques.  I never learned to process difficult emotions.

The “adult” self in me says that I can, in fact, control myself.   If she contacts me, I can choose silence.  I can choose to remain disengaged.  Most importantly, I can self-regulate and process my emotions.  I can survive moments of fear. 

***

Any insights welcomed.   I’m trying to dig deep, and value any input.

[LettingGo14]

I've been reflecting on my triggers.   The places where I feel "stuck."   So I wanted to use an illustration, and request any input or insight for further work.

***

Trigger:  Asking myself, what if she contacts me?  What would I say? 

What my brain tells me to say (i.e. my gut reaction):  “You walked away.  You left me to die.  You don’t get to psychoanalyze me anymore.  You don’t get to shame or blame me anymore.  You don’t get to come back into my life.  The fact that I survived is none of your business.”

Prior to finding this community, I’d stop at my gut reaction, and I’d let it wind me up.   I’d write angry notes to self in my journal.  I’d make myself the victim.  Or, I’d start bargaining with myself (i.e., maybe I’d let her back into my life).

Lately, I’ve been trying to dig deeper.

   

Inner reflection:   My initial emotion is Anger.  It’s a cover up for the hurt that I feel.  The truth is I feel helpless. I feel vulnerable.  The deeper emotion is Fear.   Even though the 4-year relationship had bright spots, especially in the idealization phase, I never really felt safe, and she scares me still.   Or, perhaps, I am scared of how I participated in the relationship.   I don’t want to go back. 

I read somewhere that “all feelings are informational.”  I don’t think I ever learned to accept vulnerability.   Or helplessness.   Or heartbreak.  Somewhere, when I was a kid, I learned maladaptive coping techniques.  I never learned to process difficult emotions.

The “adult” self in me says that I can, in fact, control myself.   If she contacts me, I can choose silence.  I can choose to remain disengaged.  Most importantly, I can self-regulate and process my emotions.  I can survive moments of fear. 

***

Any insights welcomed.   I’m trying to dig deep, and value any input.

[seeking balance]

Wow  - what a great example of having the courage to dig deeper - very impressive

I read somewhere that “all feelings are informational.”  I don’t think I ever learned to accept vulnerability.   Or helplessness.   Or heartbreak.  Somewhere, when I was a kid, I learned maladaptive coping techniques.  I never learned to process difficult emotions.

ditto

Anger was acceptable in my FOO, but crying was not... . thus I became really good at being angry when I really was helpless and heartbroken.  Letting myself cry and be sad has been really healing for me.

The “adult” self in me says that I can, in fact, control myself.   If she contacts me, I can choose silence.  I can choose to remain disengaged.  Most importantly, I can self-regulate and process my emotions.  I can survive moments of fear. 

I do this same self talk - it really is a form of reparenting and retraining our brain to feel and process emotions  appropriately.

Good Stuff LettingGo!   

[Allmessedup]

" I never really felt safe, and she scares me still.   Or, perhaps, I am scared of how I participated in the relationship.   I don’t want to go back.  "

This speaks to me.  I also have spent a great deal of time thinking about what if she ever contacts me etc. 

Quite frankly I am scared of her... . of the power I allowed her to hold over me.  I Am scared of the person I became when I was with her... . the crazy making stuff.  And I am scared that somehow she will get back into my life and threaten the progress I have made in myself all over again.

They are somewhat irrational fears as I know that I can control my response to her as an adult... .

But she triggered something deep inside me.  We were friends first... . very very good friends.  And in the beginning I trusted her like no other.  But like my FOO she broke that trust and abandoned me repeatedly.  She used my vulnerabilities against me.  She knew of my fear of abandonment and played upon it. 

I think that in some ways I am still scared of that happening again... . I am also scared of myself, that I could have such an error in judgement that lead me right back into the relationship I had with my mother.  I can't trust her, and right now I have a hard time trusting myself.

I was not a young kid when I met her.  I used to be such a different person, strong smart independent, self assured I think for me is that with her that all seemed to be taken away and has left me not only doubting myself but also being more scared than ever.

Thanks for posting this... . I need to delve deeper!

[heartandwhole]

Fantastic LettingGo14 ! 

Count me in.  I am afraid of vulnerability, and after my breakup, I felt very vulnerable, almost helpless.  This brought me back to childhood feelings of not being in control of my surroundings.  As children, we are so dependent on our caregivers, and that is very scary when they seem out of control, or helpless themselves.

I think you hit the nail on the head when you say that you have choices.  Now, as adults, we can feel those feelings and at the same time make different, healthier choices.  The feelings do not have to dictate our actions.  I believe this is the beginning of our taking back our power.

You can feel that fear and vulnerability, and you don't have to act on it right away –or at all. 

Congrats on this very significant realization, LettingGo! 

[dontknow2]

Hello LettingGo,

I really appreciate this post. I have definitely struggled with my part of the relationship, specifically my inability to protect myself. Although I don't have much insight for you, I dig deeper into my situation.

On one hand, I fear the strength of my power. On the other hand, I fear my lack of power and control. I fear the future as I break through especially without a significant other.  I can now see my ex was part of the reconstruction of my nest; the job wasn't completed as a child so unconsciously figured out how to complete the process this way. As I write, I realize I am finally flying out of the nest (alone) or at least standing on the edge. Geez, little birds do this ALL the time. Where do they get all their courage from?