How did you know you'd reached your breaking point?

[VIDEO: "What is parental alienation?"]

I recently had a meltdown, and I can't point to any real trigger that was separate from the stresses of everyday life and a BPD relationship.    Anyone else had one?  What triggered it? 

[mssalty]

I recently had a meltdown, and I can't point to any real trigger that was separate from the stresses of everyday life and a BPD relationship.    Anyone else had one?  What triggered it? 

[woodsposse]

Stresses of everyday life and living with my S/O who is BPD.

What more of a trigger does one need.  "-

[LettingGo14]

I recently had a meltdown, and I can't point to any real trigger that was separate from the stresses of everyday life and a BPD relationship.    Anyone else had one?  What triggered it? 

I'm sorry you faced that -- I think most of us have been there, in one way or another.  For me, I realized that I buried alot of things.  I did not want to face the pain of certain emotions, like anger, or fear, or loneliness, or heartbreak, or even hopelessness when I was on the BPD relationship rollercoaster, and thereafter.

My trigger to "meltdown" was being blocked on Facebook by xBPDgf four months ago.   I've since become very grateful for that trigger, because it opened the doorway to exploring lots of things I likely repressed for too long. 

I have been learning to sit with emotions to process them without reaction.  Every emotion can provide useful information for further questions.   I have also learned to listen to what my body is telling me:  tight stomach (thinking about xBPDgf), headache (work stress), coughing (kid stress).

I don't know if that helps.  All I can say is that you can use the "meltdown" as a doorway into yourself.  Be kind to yourself, too.

[fromheeltoheal]

All I can say is that you can use the "meltdown" as a doorway into yourself.

Absolutely.  I didn't really have a meltdown as a result of leaving my ex, just a slow returning to 'normal' and being shocked by what I'd gotten into and how deep I went.  Scary.  Although as time passed and the hooks were extracted, I began to see her as a very screwed up little girl who parrots adult very well when she's trying to attach, and it worked.

The meltdown for me came later, as life got very real, all the old coping mechanisms and illusions I'd been living stopped working, and I found myself as having no choice but to feel and grow through it.  That included a lot of self doubt, questioning everything I had thought I knew, regretting a lot of the past, floating in a world that seemed all new and foreign, and wondering where I fit.  It's all growth that had to happen, long time coming, and I'm not through it yet, but very sobering, all my priorities have changed, can't say I'm happy, but I do feel like I'm where I'm supposed to be.

[Tolou]

Mssalty,

good question... . My breaking point was the multiple suicide atemtps and gestures accompanied with all the pain,the blame, the shame, anger etc... . I couldn't take it anymore, I didn't want want to be responsible for someone elses life... . because I am not.

lying to me that she had cancer,

taking my money for her that got "broken into" then going on a shopping spree with money and never returning the money... .

the childlike behaviors and emotional development, It wasn't for me... . It wasnt healthy.

[Theo41]

I think what happens to me is that I "stuff" my feelings and negative reactions as part of walking on eggshells to avoid an angry nasty ugly confrontation. This builds up overtime. When her behavior is particularly hurtful and uncalled for/ inappropriate, the dam breaks and I explode. What I am hearing from my friends in Alanon is:" better to provide feedback on boundries as they occur rather than saving them until u loose control and explode. "

The problem is she can't tolerate any negative feedback so there is no emotional control. Once it starts it grows quickly in intensity and there is a blow out. One blowout a week or every other week is more than enough for me.

So... . how do I know when I reach my breaking point/ when it's time for sep./ div. ? I've heard two interesting answers to this question:

1."I don't know why I put up with this. Somebody please help me to understand. I would be shocked and dumbfounded if a friend of mine tolerated this treatment from his/ her spouse. Why do I put up with it. "

2. "You will leave when the pain of staying in the relationship exceeds the payin of leaving."

Theo

[woodsposse]

Mssalty,

good question... . My breaking point was the multiple suicide atemtps and gestures accompanied with all the pain,the blame, the shame, anger etc... . I couldn't take it anymore, I didn't want want to be responsible for someone elses life... . because I am not.

lying to me that she had cancer,

taking my money for her that got "broken into" then going on a shopping spree with money and never returning the money... .

the childlike behaviors and emotional development, It wasn't for me... . It wasnt healthy.

Oh... . I remember the "cancer scare".   I was out for a very relaxing dinner for my b-day and my text blew up with her emotional outburst basically saying she is going to be dead soon and I get my wish to have her no longer here because she just got diagnosed with cancer.

Totally messed up my dinner.  A few days later when I calmed down I knew she had to be scared... . I mean, come on - it's cancer.

So I invited her over to talk. 

It soo wasn't even cancer - and she soo didn't get a diagnosis.  A general practitioner suggested getting something biopsied to rule out cancer (which she never did, of course she didn't) - but it was her way of boundary bursting and getting me sucked back it.  It almost worked... . almost.

I could go on and on about all the stuff this woman did over the close to 20 years we were together.  But it is better if I don't.  Not that I want to forget it... . it is just it wouldn't serve a purpose.

[DiamondSW]

I broke.  That's how I knew

TBH i'd just had enough of the rage, the lies and the absolute emotional battering, very little of it truthful or founded on any facts at all.  All her emotions out of control, and 99% of those created/affected not by me but by her mother and the chaos she'd created. 

I remember being told I was 'disrespectful' for hugging her in the morning and being in her room when she'd asked me to stay, told me she loved me and goodness knows what else, pouring her heart out to me. 

It was soo frustrating and above all confusing that I just had enough... . push pull push pull = hospital for me. 

Got a phone call that 'she needed some space for a few months'... .   didn't really care how I felt or whether she was treating me with respect or dignity.  Did I mention the cold emails? 

Urgh... .   6 months on she's not changed.  She thinks she has with charity work and praying -but still no job and the standard desire to attach and entitlement.  I actually feel really sorry for her now because I understand BPD, something she never had respect enough for me to tell me about.

I feel sorry for her because her sexual abuser won.  Her cousin didn't just physically hurt her and degrade her, he took away from her people who really loved and cared for her... .   the BPD will forever remind her of him and those memories will never leave her. 

One thing I did learn -compassion.  When I was in hospital and surrounded by people with really severe MH problems, my overwhelming thought wa "why am I here, what has happened to me?"... .   the pain of mental health is truly awful and isolating... . it's something I fear she will deal with forever... . whereas I'm getting stronger. 

Poor girl.