Should I contact my ex BPD?

[WisdomSeeker]

I left my live-in girlfriend and her dogs after living with her for over 2.5 years and being in a relationship with her for over 5 years. I knew she had some major issues, but I didn't realize that she had BPD and some narc. traits. even though I have a degree in Psych. I discovered that she was having an affair with a very attractive, younger guy. So rather than give her a chance to break up with me or rationalize the infidelity, I did a preemptive strike by moving out one night when she was having dinner with her girlfriends. It was very difficult for me to do.

She leveraged an excuse to text me and email me 3 weeks after my departure. I didn't respond. Finally, she called me using a phone number that I didn't recognize, so I answered the phone. She suggested that after the dust cleared that her and I get together and discuss any unresolved issues. I told that I wasn't interested and that I had nothing else to say. She said that she didn't want us to go on hating each other and then started to say goodbye. Now I want to talk to her, but I don't want to get a mouthful back from her. I figured I would have to wait until her relationship ended and that then she would contact me to get some questions answered.

Question: If a person who has BPD cheats on you and knows they wronged you and thus feels shame, wouldn't they want to avoid meeting you in person? I saw plenty of signs that she showed remorse, shame, or guilt.

We never had any closure. Now I don't mind letting her tell her side of the story if it makes her feel better. I still love her and want her to be happy. Now keep in mind that even though my life is a mess with bankruptcy, being sued, losing my job, etc. I am doing pretty well now. It has been 45 days since I left. I don't hate her as I did before. I am a little sad. But I tell myself that I love myself and I feel better. I realize that I have to take full responsibility for my life and well being every day. I know that I don't have to suffer unless I choose to. I can't control other peoples actions, but I can limit my being in a negative state when I receive a negative stimulus in my environment. I learned this many years ago after reading a wonderful book called "Letting Go". Sorry I forgot the author of this book.

So again, my question is the following:

Question: If a person who has BPD cheats on you and knows they wronged you and thus feels shame, wouldn't they want to avoid meeting you in person?

Secondly, it I want to talk to her, is it best that I just forget about it and assume that she will contact me if her new relationship ends. I don't want to have any regrets.

Thanks for reading.

[simplyasiam]

im sorry your dealing with this I know it hurts. look back at the r/s ill bet you can see her cycle ill bet she went round and round. same things over and over and the longer you stayed the worse it got.

I was where you are I did what you want to. not running years ago is my only regret now.

save yourself before you lose yourself

[Tausk]

I sorry for your pain and confusion.  Of course it's different for everyone.  My question to you is why would you want to me with her?  What is there left to say?  :)o you want to recycle?

She might have been able to suppress the shame deep enough such that the desire to reattach is greater than the shame. So she's contacting you.  Having been left, she's feeling the terror of abandonment depression.  But the minute you bring up the fact that she cheated on you, she will become angry and abusive.  She can't handle the responsibility of her actions.  

You said that she seems to have guilt or remorse.  Has she ever been able to really take responsibility for her actions?  Has she ever really had self awareness and reflection and changed her behavior?

There is a fundamental difference between guilt and shame. 

If she is a pwBPD, you will not receive closure, validation or an apology that is meaningful.  You might be manipulated, gaslighted, or just left.   If you are recycled, you could lose the rest of your life to the Disorder. IMHO,  She will never be faithful to you if she cheated before. 

[WisdomSeeker]

Before she cheated I told her that I have wanted to leave for the past 3 months because of her verbal abuse. I didn't realize that she was suffering from BPD. If I had known, I wouldn't have made the threat.

I don't necessarily think that she was trying to reattach by contacting me. I think she was trying to provide her rationalization for the cheating. Yes, I would consider recycling right now. She was showing a lot of remorse two days before I left. I know she has BPD, but she isn't a full fledge BPD, but definitely has tendencies.