looking back at it all

[corraline]

My ex who i am pretty certain has BPD was in the mental health profession. He had alot of material and insight.  It was confusing because he wanted to be with someone who had courage and even supported me in this by buying me a book on a womans book of courage.  He insisted he didnt want drama but created it constantly. He also wanted someone who didn't project and was able to "see" him clearly and not from their own distortions. When I look back I can hear him asking me questions or having conversations that all seem to be very much about BPD.  He tried to teach me and warn me about others in my life who had narc traits too.  He thought I was naive to this . He would ask me if i was the type to leave a relationship first if I felt the threat of rejection from the other person... . etc etc. Alot of our conversation regarding relationships were in the sphere of issues around BPD but i did not know anything about this condition.

I did not typically see a pattern for this in my past relationships. It was weird, it was like he was trying hard to lead me in this direction about him  but I only found it when I finally left.

[corraline]

reflecting on this... .

in a previous post i mentioned the morning where he woke me up very early and wanted to tell me something about himself and asked me if he could trust me and not go into fear if he did.  he got scared and never said what it was .

i can understand if BPD is what it was and why he would have been so afraid to say. he would have been afraid that i would abandon him if i knew but he knew that i was concerned that there was a mental health issue with him.  i very sensitively asked him a couple of times. 

if he had said it was BPD  and i looked it up on online and read all of the difficult stories god knows how i would have reacted but at least i could have had some more clarity.

maybe he wasn't going to tell me this but im pretty certain im on the right track here

the last time he was here i had three post it notes up on my shelf as i am in an al anon program . he had issues around alcohol too and we were trying to work thru this .  when he left he put one of the notes :'( up on my light switch ... . the three c's in al anon are

you didn't cause it

you can't control it

you can't cure it

He put the you didn't cause it up

I believe there was a part of him that obviously didn't want me to blame myself.

i just feel sad. :'(

[woodsposse]

From the posts you put up, and this is the first one I've seen - I'm not sure what you are trying to say... . as in, are you two still together, you broke up - you are trying to figure out what happened? 

I'm no expert, but there are a lot of traits which may appear to be BPD, or it could just be a person is going through a thing.  It is difficult to tell - but the overall understanding on what BPD is is a overall pattern.

I would start with the links on the right about "what BPD is".

As for where you are right now, I can pick up and "hear" the distress in your posts and hope that where ever you are, you know you are not alone.

[corraline]

we broke up over a month ago .

i am reflecting back

the patterns in our relationship were clearly BPD in my eyes anyhow

i am not an expert but i have been reading alot this past month and been through most of the things that BPD nons have experienced.

it was three + years of it.

i feel sad because i wish that if this is what he truly was dealing with and could have told me then maybe i could have met him somewhere with it all. maybe... . not sure cause i didnt get the opportunity

but i guess the fact is , he didnt... .   i am not an expert , i have no proof or diagnosis.

and if this is the story i decide to tell myself about what really was going on and that helps me to understand then i will for now.

[heartandwhole]

Hi corraline,

It is sad, I'm sorry that you are feeling this way.    I can relate so much to your post.  I grew up in an alcoholic family, and my pwBPD also mentioned BPD to me, kind of in passing – he didn't like the stigma attached to the diagnosis.  I didn't investigate then as much as I should have.  I think I wanted to minimize it just like he did.

I think he may have wanted to send you a message with that post-it.  My pwBPD was also very remorseful about his behavior, when he wasn't dysregulated, and I believe that he truly felt bad, but just couldn't control the defenses when he was triggered.

Keep writing, and let those tears bathe your heart in compassion.  

[woodsposse]

It is difficult to be in the spot where you are.  Being with someone for years and breaking up is rough - no matter what the circumstances are.

I couldn't or wouldn't jump to say BPD... . mostly cause no one here could do it either.  

But even without sharing whatever happened in your relationship, jumping to a conclusion that this is what he was dealing with doesn't do you any good at this point because that wouldn't be fair.

People do behave in relationships good and bad ways with our without disorders.  And people break up, grow apart, have different wants/needs end up on different pages with our without disorders.

I guess what I'm really trying to say, (again without sharing what happened... . which I'm not suggesting you do), if you are struggling with the end of your r/s and you suspect BPD, then read up on it, understand what it is and understand where you are in the mix of it.

Hopefully you will get to a point where you can focus on you - not the disorder and hot him... . but you.

Take some time to help you heal.

[woodsposse]

Hi corraline,

It is sad, I'm sorry that you are feeling this way.    I can relate so much to your post.  I grew up in an alcoholic family, and my pwBPD also mentioned BPD to me, kind of in passing – he didn't like the stigma attached to the diagnosis.  I didn't investigate then as much as I should have.  I think I wanted to minimize it just like he did.

I think he may have wanted to send you a message with that post-it.  My pwBPD was also very remorseful about his behavior, when he wasn't dysregulated, and I believe that he truly felt bad, but just couldn't control the defenses when he was triggered.

Keep writing, and let those tears bathe your heart in compassion.  

Very well stated.  And words that I, personally, needed to hear today!  :-)

[corraline]

hi woods

i have read up on it alot these days

and  that doesn't confirm BPD

i did have a close friend of his tell me recently that these are patterns he displayed in the previous relationships with other women. ie... .

abandonment issues

creating intense drama

cheating

lying

breaking up all of the time

projecting

intense connecting , then disconnecting etc

and interestingly enuff, he claims to have had these patterns in the past too but claimed he had healed these issues in himself and was a different man now.

Unfortunately, the different man now was not with me the last 3 years because he did this with me too.

shes known him for 25 years and altho that doesnt guarantee any condition it is certainly something worth considering.

she was careful and sensitive and had relatively good boundaries but she knew i was hurting and wanted to help me to understand somewhat