still holding on to a fantasy

[corraline]

I guess i am still holding on to my fantasy that my ex will come back and we can work on getting healthy together... .

I like to believe in miracles really but i see that this is not the way to go and keeps me stuck

I was thinking tho i could still believe and hope  for a healthy relationship with someone else when i build my relationship up with myself first

This is something i can realistically hope for

[Landslide2014]

Amazing how many times the unorganized words that are trying to explain my thoughts appear on this site. Thank you, coralline for sharing that. I KNOW that my next course of action is to divide... . split from my marriage of 21+ years. I have processed over and over, and still I have that certain piece of me that keeps gong back to make sure I have not missed something. Missed that certain piece that will help complete the puzzle and hold us together. Perhaps I just need to allow for this, just to gain the confidence of my certainty.

[corraline]

I try not to berate myself at times for holding on so long.

Im not a quitter and i believed in myself i believed in him and i believed in us but i came to also believe that holding on was keeping us stuck or myself stuck

It was not growing or progressing any more whether its BPD relationship style or not the only way now is for me to let go so i dont keep projecting my wounds onto him to avoid my pain that i needed to deal with from my own stuff long bfore he ever entered onto the scene

That wasnt healthy for either of us

I have to grow up now