Can't say I'm feeling much better

[LilMissSunshine]

Was LC for about 5 months then went NC a month ago, after rejecting another recycle attempt.  Pretty much told him we had nothing left to talk about until he kicked his narcotics addiction as well as securing serious professional help for his PD.  I had also set new goals for myself; getting a new job (I used to work for him), finding a nice little place of my own (I’m in limbo after selling my house) and maybe someday pursuing a new relationship.  I accepted a job offer 2 weeks before I rejected him for the final time.  It was a huge relief for me and I am very happy in my new job.  I’ve also been working on myself.  Trying to figure out why I fell so deeply in love and chose to stay with someone who completely abused and used me.  Why I ignored my intuition and all the red flags for over 5 years.  I’ve looked back at my childhood – many times.  It was great.  My parents were hard working wonderful people and gave everything they could to my siblings and the community.  If anything was missing it was that they never taught/warned us about mental illness.  I was totally naïve about PD’s until about a year ago.  I believe I’m doing everything I’m supposed to be doing right now but I feel like I’ve taken a turn and feel worse than ever.  The last few days have been miserable and I’m back to crying all the time again.  Although my head understands the dynamics of this disorder my heart is just not accepting it.  I love him just as much today as I did yesterday and the day before, week before, month before, and year before.  I’m trying soo hard to move forward but I feel like I’ve gone backwards.  I know people will say, “Time.  Give it time”.  But, I want this pain to end now.  I don’t deserve this.  I already suffered enough at his hands.  Why do I have endure more pain for an indefinite amount of time?  If there is one thing I sometimes envy about a pwBPD is their ability to move on so quickly.

[corraline]

Yikes i know. I feel the same.  I think if i look back at my progress there are more spaces of peace than i had but not alot. But most of the time i barely function with it all and spiral downward even more when i think ive uncovered some big stuff about myelf then wake up the next morning not even certain i figured anything out at all.

I feel crazy sometimes

I guess its a process.

Altho i torment myself thinking my ex is doing well and blah blah blah i know this is a cover story

Then i think im bad for wishing him unwell but i guess if i hope he is suffering at all then it validates my story that he did love me and i meant something to him

I dont know what really goes in for him and probably never will

[growing_wings]

hi Breslin,

yes, it is a very very bitter pill to swallow. I have read from others that is normal to have a bit of a set back in feelings around month 4 - 5... .   i have myself felt like taking a step back too at month 3. detaching is a process that is rather long i think. ALl we can do is stay strong, and let these feelings pass by...

this hurts...

in my view, it is good that we do not shut down these feelings, but we let them be. in appearance, pwBPD shut them down  and move quicker than us...   but we dont know what goes inside them in reality... .

acknowledge the feeling, dont judge it, dont take yourself down for feeling it, just let it pass. It WILL pass.

stay well

[Skip]

Hey Bres',

What has been the history of the contact that last 4 months?  It's a little hard to follow.

I finally left him for good four weeks ago and he’s already in another relationship.  What I’ve described above is merely a “taste” of the hell he’s put me through.  I’m a complete mess and have to go cry now.  Thanks for listening.

You left?

Before my exuBPDbf "abandoned" me and went N/C

He left?

I've been NC or CC (meaning he texts me but I don't respond) for months.

When did you tell him he needed to get treatment for addiction and start therapy as a condition of getting back together if you are not responding.  Where you both discussing reconnecting?

Yet I still occasionally receive threats of a RO (meaning he texts me but I don't respond) for months.

What are you doing that is causing him to seek an RO?  Or what is he saying you are doing?  How is he threatening an RO and trying to reengage?

I know you said that you and he have recycled many times in the last 5 years, he has had several torn muscles and ligaments recently and abuses his Rx pain meds, and he claims you are abusive and mentally ill and vs versa.  And you both care deeply about each other.

Most recently he told me he was in therapy because of me (?).  His therapist was none other than the notorious Sheri Schreiber.  I researched her out and well, I was horrified.

It seems like there is a lot of cycling of conflict here... . there is a lot of up and downs and cross accusations... .   Are you two separate and going apart (like changing jobs, threatening ROs suggest) or are you in a valley of a fight?

Hard question, I know.

[guitargrl]

Sorry you are having such a hard time!

[LilMissSunshine]

Hi Skip, yes I guess it is a little hard to follow.  Last September I knew for sure what I was dealing with.  I did my best to stay away from him but in late Octoberish we recycled.  Lasted a few weeks then he painted his exfg white and me black.  :)idn't see each other again until early January - his bday, when he started contacting me and swore she was out of his life forever.  I took him out for his birthday and we lasted about 4/5 days, when, of course, I was painted black again and she white.  :)idn't hear from him for another month and some change.  He was asking me to meet him and talk about our relationship - about how much he loved and need me - I was the one.  After many ignored texts on my part I finally responded with the conditional, "get yourself into therapy for  your addictions and PD, or we have nothing left to talk about".  So much more but that's the jist of it.  As far as RO's go, I've never done ANYTHING to warrant that threat and it pisses me off that he's ever said it.  That's the thing.  Threats about stuff I'm not doing, yet he can do what ever he wants.  As far as my job goes, I worked for him for years.  Finally left last spring and only recently accepted a new job offer.  Actually he told me to leave.  After he did he told me he was going to be "pissed off" if I went to work for someone else.  Very complicated and I'm just so tired of it all.  

So, I finally set my boundaries Skip and I'm sticking to them.  

I love this man, but I will never go back to that hell of a relationship.  I lost myself in that relationship.  Feel like I was completely brainwashed.  I'm remembering who I used to be.  Friends and family are helping me with that.  But in the meantime I am having a very difficult time with all the pain I'm feeling.  Just when I think I'm doing okay the pain hits and it hits hard - over and over.  I've been preparing myself for this since last September but every day is as raw as the previous.  All I want now is to wake up tomorrow and completely feel my old self again and forget I ever knew him.  Why do we have to suffer so long after these relationships?  Wasn't the suffering we endured while with them enough?  How can I make my heart catch up with my brain and just stop loving him?