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Author Topic: Recycling attempt?  (Read 1966 times)
willy45
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« on: March 17, 2014, 01:02:50 PM »

Hi All,

I'm new to the boards but have been reading for quite some time. I broke up with my uBPDgf about a year and a half ago. Like many of you, it was brutal. But, it was done. I broke up with her and thought I had burned the bridge. I went NC about a year ago. It thought that was mutual. It was hard, but I've been doing much better as of late. I only find I check the boards once a month or so but mostly just out of interest... .

Anyhow... . I've been ignoring her emails and phone calls and text for the past year or so. She wished me happy birthday about 3 months ago to which I replied 'thanks'. That was it. Other than that, it has been complete ignoring.

This weekend, though, I gave in. She kept texting me and calling, all from unknown numbers... . but I kind of knew it was her. I picked up one of the unkown calls and we talked. We talked for about an hour. I'm not sure why I gave in. I knew it was a terrible idea. I felt a horrid feeling in my stomach the entire time. My blood pressure went through the roof. The conversation was friendly though.

But since then, I've been a mess. I guess I don't understand why she is contacting me now. It was mostly catch up for 45 minutes but then it got into relationship territory. Maybe you guys can help me decode these comments. She said:

1) You are my best friend in the whole wide world and I miss my best friend

2) She asked me if I was seeing anyone

3) She asked me if we could 'hang out' together (we live in different cities)

4) She told me that she will never find anyone who understands her like I do.

What's going? We haven't spoken in a year and the last conversation I told her to leave me alone and never call me or text me and that if she had the urge, she should contact a therapist.

Is this a recycle attempt? Does she just want to be friends? I have NO idea. Not sure why I care. You guys probably understand... . I love a PART of her and that PART of her I am deeply, deeply connected to and love with all my being. The other PARTS of her were emotionally and verbally abusive. I went to councilling for 6 months to get over what was diagnosed as complex PTSD.

Over the past few months, I stopped thinking about her all the time and when I did, it didn't have the emotional weight it used to. She is always kind of my mind but that voice has been diminishing and I've been able to do some amazing things.

Arg... .

I know that probably everyone is going to say: What do YOU want? I get that. I'm trying to figure that out.

But... . does anyone have any experience trying to decode these kinds of messages? What does it mean? What are her intentions?
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Lucky Jim
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« Reply #1 on: March 17, 2014, 01:44:41 PM »

Hey willy45, There's no doubt that this is a recycle attempt.  Why else would she ask if you are seeing anyone?  Why else would she butter you up by saying you are her best friend in the world?  Why else would she ask if the two of you can "hang out" together?  Suggest you tread very carefully here, my friend.  Are you ready to go back in the snake pit?  What makes you think you can avoid a snake bite this time around?  Be careful and think long and hard before you jump in again.  Lucky Jim
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    A life spent making mistakes is not only more honorable, but more useful than a life spent doing nothing.
George Bernard Shaw
seeking balance
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« Reply #2 on: March 17, 2014, 01:56:07 PM »

Willy,

I think her intentions were pretty clear - she wants you in her life... . does not seem unclear at all based on what you wrote.

That said, contact is a really good indicator of where we actually are emotionally in detaching.  Time is not nearly the same indicator as something like this.

I went to councilling for 6 months to get over what was diagnosed as complex PTSD.

If I were in your shoes, I would call my T to help process what you are actually feeling versus what may be a ptsd trigger.  Whether or not you stay in contact with her - it is probably a good idea to get an appointment so you can clarify your own feelings.

How did the call end?  Did you make plans to talk again?

SB
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Faith does not grow in the house of certainty - The Shack
willy45
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« Reply #3 on: March 17, 2014, 05:40:02 PM »

Hi Seeking Balance,

Thank you for the suggestion. Yes. I can't tell what is being triggered at all. My anxiety level is through the roof. Have been pacing around all day and don't know what to do with myself. I made a T appointment as soon as I got off the phone! Ha ha. I guess I learned something.

This is so confusing... . Thanks for the input. Very much appreciated.
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seeking balance
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« Reply #4 on: March 17, 2014, 05:46:28 PM »

Have been pacing around all day and don't know what to do with myself. I made a T appointment as soon as I got off the phone! Ha ha. I guess I learned something.

This is so confusing... . Thanks for the input. Very much appreciated.

Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

What other tools are in your coping toolbox?  Do you work out - kickbox, run, yoga?  This helps with anxiety.

Also, labeling the FEAR - what is it exactly that you FEAR?
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Faith does not grow in the house of certainty - The Shack
willy45
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« Reply #5 on: March 17, 2014, 05:58:38 PM »

Good point. I workout quite a bit. Maybe I should go do that. A good kick to get out of the house!

What do I fear? That's a great question. I fear getting my hopes up that this will actually work out. I fear getting back together with her. I fear the potential life I would have with her if I slip up and she hasn't done anything to improve herself. I feel getting destroyed again. Arg. I was doing so well! Ignoring messages and calls for months and months and months. These is a great question though. Maybe I should go work out and think about it.

Thanks!
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willy45
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« Reply #6 on: March 17, 2014, 10:12:04 PM »

Does anyone out there have any input? Any advice? Please help... . I'm at a total loss.
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cosmonaut
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« Reply #7 on: March 17, 2014, 10:17:55 PM »

It definitely sounds like a recycle attempt.  It's impossible for any of us to know for certain what her intentions are, but that's the way it sounds.  The real question is what do you want to do about it?
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drxap
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« Reply #8 on: March 17, 2014, 10:22:38 PM »

I definitely agree with Seeking Balance about consulting your therapist before you take any actions with her.

A few questions to ask yourself:

Do you really believe she cares about your happiness/ has your best interests at heart?

Can you really see any kind of r/s with her working out positively for both you?

What were your reasons for establishing NC in the first place?
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willy45
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« Reply #9 on: March 17, 2014, 10:49:04 PM »

Yeah. Thanks. Much appreciated. If these comments had come from anyone else, I would know for sure what they meant. But from my ex, I truly have no idea... .

Thanks for the questions. I am feeling a bit more relaxed now (having worked out!) and can see a bit more clearly.

Does she care about me? I have no idea. I told her that I couldn't speak to her. That it broke my heart and tore me up. After we talked, I texted her and told her that my entire body was aching and that talking to her was really difficult, that it broke my heart all over again. She said that she understood but wanted me in her life and missed my friendship. Looking at that comment in this light, it doesn't sound like she cares about me at all. It was like, 'I understand... . but I don't care because I want you in my life despite how it makes you feel'. Maybe I'm reading too much into it... .

Can I see any r/s working out positively? Probably not. Actually, not at all. I have this fantasy in my head that it would be all perfect but I know that isn't real. I'm assuming the yelling and crying and the blaming and the slamming doors would start pretty soon after we got back together. How else could it turn out? She yelled and screamed at me all the time before this. I would have to hide from her, especially at night. Now that I had left her and she went through a suicidal bought for 3 months and then I went completely NC on her for a year, how could she not have a mountain of anger and resentment towards me? It is not like she ever understood why I broke up with her in the first place. It was always my fault. All the screaming at me, belittling me, and calling me names (in private and in public) was always my fault. Not sure she would ever consider thinking about what she did wrong or why I left. So, if that is how she thinks, how could I not be the devil?

My reasons for establishing NC was that the break up destroyed me. I was completely broken. I was scared I was going to loose everything in my life. She would call me every week or two and she would just dump on me and tell me that she had 'moved on' and yell at me and then cry her eyes out. It was too much to handle. I was so depressed I could hardly see straight. That's why I went NC. I wanted some time to heal. I spent 6 months in counciling. Went through a lot.

Blarg. After reading this, anything other than running away seems totally foolish.

The only hook (other than the part of me that foolishly believes the fantasy) is that there are work relationships that are important. But, whatever. I was doing great financially four days ago. Why would this change anything. As you can see, I'm a mess... . Sorry for the rant but thanks for the questions. Very helpful.
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goldylamont
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« Reply #10 on: March 17, 2014, 11:38:29 PM »

... . My anxiety level is through the roof. Have been pacing around all day and don't know what to do with myself... .

This is so confusing... .

willy45, your body is trying to communicate something very important to you. and for your own health you need to listen to what it is trying to tell you. if you get food poisoning you will feel terribly queasy--it doesn't feel good, but this is your body telling you that you need to throw up, get that poison out. so, you shouldn't be confused now why are so anxious.

Another name for the abuse she gave you is Emotional Poison -- and this is how your body reacts when you get around it. The anxiety has a message in it, and the message is to *stay away* from this person. But then your conscious brain is inventing fantasies because it wants to feel better, so then your anxiety gets *stronger* because it's like "willy45 must not have heard me correctly. i'm telling him this is bad news for him."

sorry you are going through this, i think i'd still have a reaction if my ex tried to call me. i've come a long way but i think i'd get angry with her and try and say something to shut her up and not contact me any more. perhaps not ideal but my body's way of trying to keep me safe. we can't be around these people unless we feel completely calm and safe in their presence and that may never happen.
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corraline
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« Reply #11 on: March 18, 2014, 12:05:09 AM »

@goldylamont

thats great information and i have to agree.

thanks for posting

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) willy45

please take good care of yourself
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State85
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« Reply #12 on: March 18, 2014, 12:52:53 PM »

Definitely a recycling attempt.

Wanting to still be friends... . I've heard that so many times. My expwBPDgf always wants to remain friends... . always. She cannot let go. She has not let go of any of her past bf's... . she keeps pictures of them and her on FB, kinda like a trophy room of sorts.

In my opinion, them wanting to remain friends is for one purpose only: to keep that supply. We are the supply, the supply they run to when their current r/s goes south.

I would take what she says very lightly... . best friend? probably not. Friends don't treat friends the way we've been treated.
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Confused76

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« Reply #13 on: March 18, 2014, 01:24:48 PM »

Listen to your body, it's trying to tell you something.  Anxiety, pacing, raised blood pressure, sour stomach.  Are these feelings you get when you are excited to hear from someone?  I think not, this is your body telling you to tread cautiously.  Listen to it, it's the only one you have.
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willy45
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« Reply #14 on: March 18, 2014, 11:28:53 PM »

Yes. Thanks guys. Much appreciated. I do feel terrible... . Right now I'm really bummed that I went back into the same state I was in after we broke up. Not as bad as at least I know I came out of that and so will come out of it again. That's good news.

On the other hand, I feel myself getting drawn in. It really sucks. How can I love someone and be absolutely terrified of them at the same time. It is like they are different people that I think about. Maybe that's the thing about BPD, they are different people at different times. It is really difficult to bring those two people together in my mind at the same time. I oscillate back and forth between them. Arg. Who said cell phone and computers were so great? Such easy ways for her to contact me over and over again. I feel like a crack addict with a crack dealer coming over to my house every couple of weeks to show me some crack and and say 'do you want some today?... . no? Ok? I'll come back again'. Sucks.

Sorry for venting... .
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seeking balance
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« Reply #15 on: March 18, 2014, 11:43:09 PM »

I feel like a crack addict with a crack dealer coming over to my house every couple of weeks to show me some crack and and say 'do you want some today?... . no? Ok? I'll come back again'. Sucks.

This is exactly what is happening in your brain - chemically speaking - would someone dieting go down the cookie isle every single day, not if they wanted to stay on the diet.

So -what do you NEED as a boundary so you can detox?
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