Cheatinng, split black again, is it over?

[Beware of Junk Psychology...]

After busting my exBPDgf ... . I realized I was never even her bf.  I was leaving a relationship, so was she. I got her an apt. She never left her ex. Just used me over and over for money and her substance abuse addictions... . coke,booze,pills... unending. She is beautiful, smart, and insane. Sex was amazing then is sucked... .  Always begging for crumbs. Everything became a negotiation. Get me this get me that and then she would have sex. I called it making love... she called it sex.

Almost of year of this... .

Then she brings in another guy. I busted her once with him, tears and promises to never see him again. She actually would show me his texts and allow me to listen to his VM's begging. Poor guy.  No, Im the poor guy, no we are all the poor guys... . jesus.

Then I busted her again a few weeks ago. He had my number, we talked for over an hour. She has been playing us both... . telling us both the same crap. He knew her from college... . but only hooked up a couple of months ago.

I never knew any of it.  Oh, and she never gave up her initial boyfriend. But he it would seem had finally had enough. I dont know

All i KNOW is she cried again, said she knew I could never believe anything she said then told me never to contact her again.  I went NC for about a week and caved... . she lashed out at me... told me never to call, said she erased my number, said to lose hers, said Im manipulating and a liar and a bad man. Yes she is much younger then I am. I can not believe I didnt bail the first 4 times she turned me into a demon. The first two times she contacted me first. The second two I did. Started out great, I thought it would be different... . but then shes MIA, wont text back for long periods wont pick up her phone. Always always had a plausible excuse.

Now this... .  exposed. I laid into her. Told her she had BPD. She just turned on me split me black so hard. Im in my 5th day of NC. 3 weeks since I saw her. Im done. Im so done. I know she will never contact me again. Even though part of me wants her to. I removed her number. No FB. Nothing. I dont know... . Im dying. I cant believe I allowed this to happen. What happened to me? How did I get so strung out on this lying cheating backstabbing uncommunicative unreliable blame shifting bratt. Im aching, but I cant I just cant do this anymore.  

[Split black]

After busting my exBPDgf ... . I realized I was never even her bf.  I was leaving a relationship, so was she. I got her an apt. She never left her ex. Just used me over and over for money and her substance abuse addictions... . coke,booze,pills... unending. She is beautiful, smart, and insane. Sex was amazing then is sucked... .  Always begging for crumbs. Everything became a negotiation. Get me this get me that and then she would have sex. I called it making love... she called it sex.

Almost of year of this... .

Then she brings in another guy. I busted her once with him, tears and promises to never see him again. She actually would show me his texts and allow me to listen to his VM's begging. Poor guy.  No, Im the poor guy, no we are all the poor guys... . jesus.

Then I busted her again a few weeks ago. He had my number, we talked for over an hour. She has been playing us both... . telling us both the same crap. He knew her from college... . but only hooked up a couple of months ago.

I never knew any of it.  Oh, and she never gave up her initial boyfriend. But he it would seem had finally had enough. I dont know

All i KNOW is she cried again, said she knew I could never believe anything she said then told me never to contact her again.  I went NC for about a week and caved... . she lashed out at me... told me never to call, said she erased my number, said to lose hers, said Im manipulating and a liar and a bad man. Yes she is much younger then I am. I can not believe I didnt bail the first 4 times she turned me into a demon. The first two times she contacted me first. The second two I did. Started out great, I thought it would be different... . but then shes MIA, wont text back for long periods wont pick up her phone. Always always had a plausible excuse.

Now this... .  exposed. I laid into her. Told her she had BPD. She just turned on me split me black so hard. Im in my 5th day of NC. 3 weeks since I saw her. Im done. Im so done. I know she will never contact me again. Even though part of me wants her to. I removed her number. No FB. Nothing. I dont know... . Im dying. I cant believe I allowed this to happen. What happened to me? How did I get so strung out on this lying cheating backstabbing uncommunicative unreliable blame shifting bratt. Im aching, but I cant I just cant do this anymore.  

[Want2know]

Be kind to yourself - step number 1. 

So many of us have gone through what you are experiencing.  Amazing sex interpreted as love.

You will hopefully come to find that this is a learning experience.  I'm 49, and am still learning about what love is, after a 12 year marriage, and a 4 yr relationship with my ex-npdbf.

If you take a look to the right of this board, you will see the stages of detachment... . it's a process.  Give yourself time.   Talk to us here about what you are feeling, thinking, experiencing.

If there is one thread here that changed how I look at my feelings/thoughts, it's the one about 'Wise Mind'.  Take a look... . let us know what you think: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0

[fromheeltoheal]

Yep, sounds like a textbook case.  Sorry man, been there, I could have written your post, and not only is it painful, it is extremely crazymaking.

I cant believe I allowed this to happen. What happened to me? How did I get so strung out on this lying cheating backstabbing uncommunicative unreliable blame shifting bratt.

Those are great questions, and it's best to shift your focus to the answers as you detach.  She won't change, mine won't change, regardless of our hopes, but we can change, in fact you can use the state you're in now to your benefit, as motivation to dig deep and discover what's really going on with you and what parts of you she touched so deeply with her crazy.  That can end up being an amazing gift, you might even feel grateful that she came into your life at some point, I do, but for now it's best to stay away and heal, which you're already doing.

And of course be prepared.  If she ends up feeling abandoned or shtty for whatever reason, she might try and contact you, and if she does it will be as if nothing ever happened between you and she's glad to see you/talk to you.  You are vulnerable right now, and if you don't protect yourself you may end up in another round.  This site gave me the strength to stay clear; stay here, good luck, and take care of you!

[Split black]

Be kind to yourself - step number 1. 

So many of us have gone through what you are experiencing.  Amazing sex interpreted as love.

You will hopefully come to find that this is a learning experience.  I'm 49, and am still learning about what love is, after a 12 year marriage, and a 4 yr relationship with my ex-npdbf.

If you take a look to the right of this board, you will see the stages of detachment... . it's a process.  Give yourself time.   Talk to us here about what you are feeling, thinking, experiencing.

If there is one thread here that changed how I look at my feelings/thoughts, it's the one about 'Wise Mind'.  Take a look... . let us know what you think: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=64749.0

Thank you for that link. I printed it out and read it 20 times today. One week NC today. Painful.

[Split black]

Yep, sounds like a textbook case.  Sorry man, been there, I could have written your post, and not only is it painful, it is extremely crazymaking.

I cant believe I allowed this to happen. What happened to me? How did I get so strung out on this lying cheating backstabbing uncommunicative unreliable blame shifting bratt.

Those are great questions, and it's best to shift your focus to the answers as you detach.  She won't change, mine won't change, regardless of our hopes, but we can change, in fact you can use the state you're in now to your benefit, as motivation to dig deep and discover what's really going on with you and what parts of you she touched so deeply with her crazy.  That can end up being an amazing gift, you might even feel grateful that she came into your life at some point, I do, but for now it's best to stay away and heal, which you're already doing.

And of course be prepared.  If she ends up feeling abandoned or shtty for whatever reason, she might try and contact you, and if she does it will be as if nothing ever happened between you and she's glad to see you/talk to you.  You are vulnerable right now, and if you don't protect yourself you may end up in another round.  This site gave me the strength to stay clear; stay here, good luck, and take care of you!

Thanks for listening. I flow back and forth from Anger to acceptance, mixed with longing and some type of dysfunctional waiting that I HATE. Certain times of the day or night trigger me. This has got to stop. Im going to start dating... . why not? My self-esteem is in the toilet.

I know intellectually that she is crazy and toxic, and I know shes not giving me a second a thought... .   and it just pisses me off that Im not anesthetized and cant switch this relentless loop of lies in my head. I see her face, looking at me, telling me these things calmly with what felt like love... . that she knows she messed up, shes so sorry for this and that... . that it will take time to rebuild trust, that she loves me etc etc ad nauseam... . while at the very same time cheating with the same guy. When confronted with proof... . WHAM... . gone, done, and I disgust her... .    ugh.   

[growing_wings]

I know intellectually that she is crazy and toxic, and I know shes not giving me a second a thought... .   and it just pisses me off that Im not anesthetized and cant switch this relentless loop of lies in my head. I see her face, looking at me, telling me these things calmly with what felt like love... . that she knows she messed up, shes so sorry for this and that... . that it will take time to rebuild trust, that she loves me etc etc ad nauseam... . while at the very same time cheating with the same guy. When confronted with proof... . WHAM... . gone, done, and I disgust her... .    ugh.   

hi splitblack, we definitely understand you. i have been there... . i have felt that... .

my only addition to what has been said is: do not give her too much power over your feelings. she has done enough damage to you already, you hold the power to decide how much she can continue. I know detachment is a process where no shortcuts are useful (pwBPD seem to move on quick, but they do not  heal)... .   but for me, detachment started when i did not want to give her more power ...

stay strong... detachment is painful ... .   but is the pathway to freedom and self improvement if you work at it

[Split black]

Haven't seen her since the beginning of the month... . and its 12 days of NC... Ive read archived threads about the same, same, same thing I am going through, with what seems like the same exact person. I am determined not to contact her, although I admit I want her to validate my existence. Its like the past year never happened... . the love making for me, sex for her... . the fun times, laughing normal times... . but then the sketch bull-crap, all the times she was unavailable... . she was with someone else. Some exf**k ... ugh, the visual of her with a throng of others is excruciating... . yet for her, I know now it really never mattered. Split black and poof, I disgust her.  I was used for money and as a filler for those times she wasn't being sexual with other guys. Im much older then she, and Ive been married and in a lot of prior relationships... . some I was the leaver, some I was left. Those times hurt but not like this. There was human interaction, there was finality, and sadness, and empathy when those relationships didnt work out.

Having been split black 4 times, I know the deal but didnt for the first two times. I am or was just so weak when it comes to her seduction and heartfelt pleas for understanding... . words like " please dont give up on me" and " you know how I suffer" and " you know I cant be alone, why cant you be with me at night all the time, its not fair, your not fair" ( I could not because I have a young son)  and " you have no idea how much Ive given up for you" ... translation is she didnt bang someone that day... who knows. Other tiny truths like, "Im a master manipulator, Im evil, I cant be in a committed relationship"... but then demanding my sexual loyalty.  I never got an honest answer... just deflection, accusations that I was too controlling when I wanted answers to her many missing in action disappearing acts, cell phone always needed charging... or she was with her sister, or some other lie. All lies.

Im trying to move on... . I re-connected with a girl that I dated right before my BPD nightmare a year ago. Haven't seen her at all. She actually had a boyfriend at the time unknown to me. ( maybe borderline lite going on, not sure yet) We have hooked up. The affection is so nice, the conversation so nice... .   my ego being soothed a bit BUT... . I still think about my exBPD. I know this may be a rebound thing... . but honestly... . if it wasn't for this girl I have started to see I would be completely mental. Even with her... . as much as I was into her before... . Im struggling with NC. 

Jeeez I hope I have the will and the strength to find my testicles and stay away from that lying cheating crazy making lunatic. Thank the gods for this board.