pregnant girlfriend just too demanding and I am lost on what to do?

[ynguns2]

I been dating my g/f 6 months tomorrow. i am 36 and she is 37 and we are having a child. I am really trying hard to please her and everything I do is not enough. She wants a ring a new house and wants it right now.

I am a firefighter who lives in NW Indiana she is a school teacher who lives in Illinois and the problem here is that we live 45 min away and because of my job i cannot move outside of IN and I am 36 so I cannot become a professional firefighter anywhere else.

I have been here for her throughout the pregnancy which is 4 months and I have not bought a ring yet because I am not sure if she loves me for me or the kid?. I understand that she would have to move to IN and it's a big step for her but she is so fixed on me selling my house (which by the way is beautiful) and by another one because it will be "our house".

I also always hear about how ashamed she is by getting pregnant and how parents at her school and staff will feel about this. I said to her this is not the 40's and that she is in a public school and also union.

She tells me that if I dont get engaged now it will never happen and she wants a really expensive ring which I cannot afford and she is aware of this.

What should I do please help.


Jim

[justanotherguy25]

MY exBPDgf was constantly on my case about getting her a ring.  She would send me pictures of the rings that she wanted almost daily.  I would explain to her that I was NOT going to get a ring until we bought a house together.   We broke up less then a week after she sent the last set of ring pictures.

My advice.  DO NOT BUY THE RING, DO NOT BUY THE HOUSE.  Any money that you spend now, you are never going to get it back.  If this woman really loves you, she will not leave you because of a ring.   Asking someone to buy a house because they want it is crazy.  Does she not have a house?

[Contradancer]

  I remember when you first posted on this situation, and have wondered how you're doing.

First, she seems confused about things (ring and house) versus relationship.  No one NEEDS an expensive ring to be engaged.  Traditionally, many engagement rings were not even diamond. The argument can be made that children are expensive and it'd be more sensible to buy a less expensive ring and a better crib.

Can you let her have space in your house that she can redecorate for her comfort? Again, it would be sensibly less expensive and yet let her feel less like an intruder.  I'm not expecting my boyfriend to sell his house, and don't want him to, but will expect to have some right to office/art space that I determine for myself.

Being a Midwesterner by birth and upbringing, and dating one, I understand the desire for some traditions to be upheld. However, she seems less interested in being realistic/sensible because she seems very insecure about her relationship with you. An expensive ring and new house are not going to really help her emotional insecurity. You may just need to talk about this with her, and then follow through to prove your reliability--without the expensive stuff.

Best wishes, again, to you.

[GaGrl]

The focus right now needs to be on expenses related to the baby.  She seems to be focused on creating her perfect world/perfect family far too quickly while not thinking through the financial implications.

[ynguns2]

Hi to everyone and again thanks :-)  She is really stressing out and putting all her insecurities on me. i am not going to sell my home for a woman I known for 6 months and also i would have bought her a ring if i thought she wanted to be with me forever but i clearly see this is for her own reputation.

She has a condo and I have a house. i have $140,000 in equity as she has $20,000 I offered her a couple of ideas like move in my place for a short time and see how it works and also stay at both places till we can decide on a wedding date or if we are compatible. I cannot keep this saddened life I have I am finally sick of it.

I dated a woman prior who was horrible and cheated on me now I get this. I hate to feel sorry for myself but given the situation I have no positive outlook as of now. I am scared to be a single father I know nothing about kids except that I am a Paramedic and know medical aspects.

How could I ever find a woman being a single father? I really need advice !



JIM

[Waddams]

I dated a woman prior who was horrible and cheated on me now I get this. I hate to feel sorry for myself but given the situation I have no positive outlook as of now. I am scared to be a single father I know nothing about kids except that I am a Paramedic and know medical aspects.

How could I ever find a woman being a single father? I really need advice !

I'm sorry for the string of bad luck with women.  I've been there myself!

It's hard to have a positive outlook on a situation with a person when interactions with her are not positive as well.

As for being scared to be a single father, I'll just say you'll adjust.  If you don't want to be married to the mother, then don't be married to her.  If you don't want to do any of this and know that the relationship is not right for you, then getting married to her will only make it worse for you and the child.

And in response to the last question - how will you find a good relationship if you are in a bad marriage?

If you need to tell her you aren't moving, you aren't selling your house, and you aren't marrying her because the relationship isn't right for you, then tell her.  She'll flip out, but you'll just have to let her.  That doesn't mean it's easy, doesn't mean you don't have responsibilities for the child, etc.  Just that you're not comfortable entering into a family with her.

When the baby is born, you'll have to visit, build up to weekends with the child, etc. and be a visiting dad.  That involves paying child support and all that.  It means she'll be taking the kid to daycare everyday, and doing the lion's share of the heavy lifting when the child is new born, and then as an infant.  As the child grows up, you'll be able to contribute more effort.

There may even be opportunities to get split custody in the future.  If she's like a lot of other BPD's here, there might be a need to go get full custody for the child's welfare one day.

It's not an easy life you've got ahead of you no matter what at this point.  You're having a child with a BPD woman you are currently not married to or living with and are somewhat long distance with.  I'm sorry, but think about it.  Marrying her, moving to her area, or her to your area, etc., no matter what the more entwined you get with her the harder things will be overall.  It will not solve the issues.  It will create new issues.

If she's truly BPD, you're best bet at this point is to do the visiting dad thing and be in a position to catch the child when BPDmom falls.

[seeking balance]

I remember your posts from before and if I recall properly, the pregnant woman is not suspected of BPD, it was the past relationship - correct?

How could I ever find a woman being a single father? I really need advice !

Honestly, don't you think you might want to focus on how to be a good father and stop worrying about dating again already? 

My advice - go to therapy and focus on your own issues so you can be a good father.  At 36 and almost a dad, time to take some self responsibility, wouldn't you say?

Regarding the baby momma - be honest with her, you are not ready to get married, but you want to work together to be the best possible parents and if it comes to the point where you both are ready to marry and have a traditional family, you will cross that bridge.

[ynguns2]

I am totally accepting responsibility of the child and will be a great father. I am mire worried about herself and I. 

[an0ught]

Hi Jim,

I been dating my g/f 6 months tomorrow. i am 36 and she is 37 and we are having a child. I am really trying hard to please her and everything I do is not enough. She wants a ring a new house and wants it right now.

I am a firefighter who lives in NW Indiana she is a school teacher who lives in Illinois and the problem here is that we live 45 min away and because of my job i cannot move outside of IN and I am 36 so I cannot become a professional firefighter anywhere else.

I have been here for her throughout the pregnancy which is 4 months and I have not bought a ring yet because I am not sure if she loves me for me or the kid?.

Your problem is right in your opening statement. You are a supportive and nice guy . That ain't enough in fact it can spell your doom if you are trying to handle a pwBPD that has limitless demands based on momentary but extreme emotions. Actually it can make her problem worse.

It is good that you maintained a sense what is appropriate and what not. There are ways to help her sooth her inner problems (see validation) and communicate facts in way that are less upsetting (see avoiding invalidation and SET in the LESSONS on the staying board). Fixing the world in order for her to be content is a loosing game - don't play it (see boundaries). She will need to adjust her emotions to fit the world - it will not always be liked (and the dislike will be expressed with plenty of very strong emotions) but such is life. Not your problem - you can't fix everything. She may be deeply disappointed, in fact so deep that no ocean in the world is deep enough to compare with it but again that is her problem. You only can acknowledge how desperate she is. The good news is that is what is mostly needed.

I understand that she would have to move to IN and it's a big step for her but she is so fixed on me selling my house (which by the way is beautiful) and by another one because it will be "our house".

When emotions tell you something the facts need to be fixed to fit the emotions and that right away. This is a case of plenty of validation with an occasional SET. She needs to hear it often how hard, unfair, selfless etc. such a move is. Trying to make this much a rational argument is invalidating to the huge emotions that are tied for her in this step.

I also always hear about how ashamed she is by getting pregnant and how parents at her school and staff will feel about this. I said to her this is not the 40's and that she is in a public school and also union.

Insecurity and fear are pretty dominant emotions in pwBPD. They need acknowledgment (see validation but don't need acting upon)

She tells me that if I dont get engaged now it will never happen and she wants a really expensive ring which I cannot afford and she is aware of this.

Yeah, this give me an extremely expensive ring that I know you can not afford makes no sense on a factual level. But once you think through it from an emotional level it makes perfectly sense - she wants the best and lacks moderation so she wants the very best in the world. Facts matter little. In fact facts won't be able to satisfy her - possibly the most expensive one on the planet would not be good enough as she then might be afraid to wear it and then you get blamed again.

What should I do please help.

These are life decision questions that have long term impact considering a child in underway. You may want to think this through a bit while you are educating yourself. Ultimately you must decide one way or another. However you are daily in contact with her and the relationship is deteriorating. Treating this as a stay-leave decision alone may be one sided. It would be wise to try stopping that for the time being and also head over to the Staying board, post there some concrete questions and dive into the LESSONS at the top of the board.

And a last word - you are a guy, you are rational and in a profession where facts matter a lot. Consider the following equation:

Emotions > Facts

Which is often true for all humans when it comes to decision. In pwBPD the > becomes >> and often becomes "in general with a few exceptions".

[Aussie0zborn]

You need to go with your gut feelings. Mine needed the expensive engagement ring and once she got the wedding ring everything changed for the worse.

Selling your house and enmeshing your finances will be a big mistake. As mentioned already, any money you enmesh from this moment on is money down the drain when the relationship fails.

If tradition is a big thing for her (ie: not having a baby outside of marriage) perhaps she could have used birth control but obviously its not a big thing at all. She just tells you it is so that she can get what she wants. If she is truly BPD you could have been anybody.

If it doesn't feel right for you, then it ain't right.

[seeking balance]

ynguns2 - can you clarify the woman you are talking about who is pregnant is not the same woman that you came to the boards for as being BPD as referenced below?

I have been dating my girlfriend for 6 months now. We started off great and I was involved with a BPD woman prior to us meeting who really destroyed my life. I am a firefighter in Indiana and my girlfriend is a school teacher in Illinois. I cannot move to Illinois and she is pregnant and she can move anywhere she wants but is mad because of my situation. I feel very stressed she wants me to buy her a ring and I am not ready for marriage as of now. I am 36 and she is 37 we both make a good living and I still am scared to death. i was involved with a horrible woman prior to meeting her who basically messed my mind up. She was BPD and her moods were like a roller coaster and when she was nice I felt on top of the world but when she was mean I was so depressed and even seen a therapist over her. We broke up in June and she cheated on me. I went to therapy per her request with her and the same day she was on the phone with another guy and cheated on me which crushed me. I was a fool to take her back and it got worst she even left me in Pittsburgh after getting mad because of a traffic jam. I met my new girl through friends and she is sweet as can be but i am still saddened by my ex and need advice on how to forget her.

[ynguns2]

Hi Seeking balance, The woman i am dating now is not my ex who was diagnosed with BPD. I can say my new g/f (Kelly) at least has empathy unlike my last girl however Kelly tends to over think everything which hurts others around her.

I met her through mutual friends and like I had posted earlier we hit it off so darn good and I seen a true caring woman especially when it came to kids and her being a 2nd grade teacher. I did notice a week before she found out she was pregnant she was very moody and I think it may be hormonal and I remember saying to myself uh oh not again with another woman.

I also remember something that sticks in my head as weird, she was always talking about having a baby and even had said to me we could work out a contract and at that time i just laughed but now I cringe after hearing this.

She dated a guy before me for a year and a half who lived close by and some of my friends say to me "dude you never know, and what if he stopped by to talk and sex just happened" I can see this because we were fairly new and not really committed at that time other than just newly dating.

I just have to wonder where she gets her thinking from? I think it may be from her family and I am not making any decisions till i am ready and for her to say I don't want to move forward she is wrong because buying a ring and a new house after 6 months is not the only way to progress in my opinion.

[kfifd196]

Holy Cow!  Listen to me!  I am also a career firefighter and was in EXACTLY the same boat!  TAKE THIS ADVICE, as today is my 1 year wedding anniversary and she filed for divorce a month ago.  She went from treating me like a God, to flicking a switch and HATES me, even filed a ficticious restraining order against me.  LISTEN GOOD... . DO NOT PUT HER ON THE DEED!  I refused to and would've lost 1/2 the house I owned before I met her.  Luckily, I'm only losing some $ for child support (if we don't get shared custody) and that's it!  We had NO joint assets.  Hold off on the house... . rent if you have to!  My wife changed even more, once the baby was born.  I was shocked she became pregnant so quick (3 months in), but after learning more about BPD, risky sex is common... . she knew when her period was and knew she could get pregnant.  She used the ring and house as ultimatums.  Wanted to be married before the baby or she would move away and take the baby with her, then wanted to be on the Deed or she wouldn't marry me.  I successfully dodged that one.  Needless to say, she went into several rages since our Fairytale wedding, biting me, throwing hot tea on me, attacking me, while holding our baby, etc.  Be careful!  I love her and would love to be back with her, but she hates me more than anything and there's no talking to her.  She became VERY insecure and untrusting and swears she will never ever trust me again.  I am an honest, trustworthy person, but I've been blasphemed and accused of everything from cheating, to being lazy, a porn addict, etc.  It's awful... . I wish you luck brother, but please heed my advice.  Don't want to see you get screwed.  If she really loves you, she'll rent with you.  If she's insistent on being on the deed, make sure she's on the Mortgage Note AS WELL, so she is equally responsible for the Mortgage, should you divorce.  Otherwise, if she's on the deed and not on the note, she can kick you out and you don't have a leg to stand on, but will be paying a mortgage on a house she lives in WITHOUT you!  And try to get her to put equal money down.

[ynguns2]

I feel for you and my ex filed a false restraining order on me too. I never deserved this abuse from anyone I have always been a helper to people and only want to have the same actions taken toward me.

I am scared being a father not do much about having a child but the fact that me and Kelly wont work and it will hurt my daughters life.

[kfifd196]

My opinion, is you don't want your daughter to ask you years from now, "Why didn't you and mommy even try?"  You will regret it.  Also, BPD's are known to twist it and make you the bad guy... . That said, you also have to protect yourself.  I overspent on the ring for my wife and she basically gave me an ultimatum... . either we get engaged, or she would move out of my house and get her own place.  I should have done that, as now 10 months after we were married, we are getting divorced and she filed a false TRO against me.  She went from happy in love with me to pure hatred in days!  I spent about $15,000 on the rings, $4,000 toward our small wedding and another $1,500 on our daughter's christening, etc IN less than 1 YEAR, and now the marriage is over... . that's $20,000+ I could've saved and bought a nicer ring later or something.  I'm not saying don't get married, but get engaged and don't do it as a gift, then make sure you give it awhile before you plan a wedding, so you can see if you are right for eachother.  BPD's seem to change as the pregnancy goes on and the hormones make it worse at times!  Just becareful bro... . I never thought she'd divorce me and not even want to talk to me, the way she praised me a month ago!

[MammaMia]

Ynguns

How did this happen?  Were you not using birth control?  Seems to be too much too fast.

Given her age, I wonder if your gf's biological clock is ticking away, and she wanted a child and a husband along with all the trimmings right now.  How much do you REALLY know about her?  Is this love or are you still in the infatuation stage of your relationship?

A child is a life-long commitment. You state you will care for the baby and be a good father which is wonderful.  However, your gf is going to be a major part of any communication you have with this child, regardless of your relationship with her.  If things do not work out, are you ready for that?

These are questions only you can answer.  

[Grey Kitty]

I'm seeing some serious   action here.

She is pushing you HARD to do things that would be a major hardship for you--spending more than you can afford on a ring, selling a house to buy one with her, and it sounds like she wants you to move across state lines which would force you to end your career when you are likely close to the age where you can retire from the fire department.

Has she even noticed that these things would cost you a lot more than they would benefit her? Has she acknowledged this?

What makes you think she will do better by you after a marriage?

Yeah, being a single dad has is tough. But being in an abusive marriage is worse, and the best (ultimate) outcome from that will be single fatherhood after much $$$$ on legal fees.

I may be miss-reading her intentions here. What do you think?

[ynguns2]

Hi to you all i agree i will not make any decisions except for the well being of my child.

[kfifd196]

MammaMia... . It's common for BPD's to practice unsafe, risky, unprotected sex and get pregnant.  Happened to my uBPDwife.  It was a trap, to keep me, so I wouldn't abandon her.  Then came the ultimatums.

ynguns... . Believe me, it will only get worse... . The ultimatums are just the beginning, then once you put the ring on the finger, she will hold it over your head for everything and anything!  My wife broke up with me, at least 20 times in a year!  Most of those times, it was for an hour or day, but it's nerve wracking!  I would co-parent and hold off for now, so you don't get screwed, like I am... . She was making $150k a year and quit, cause she wanted to, now she wants me to pay her $1500/mo alimony and we weren't even married a year!  Protect yourself!