BPD and Stalking - I can't seem to grasp this.

[LuckyNicki]

I can't imagine my expbdgf stalking me.  I feel like she has way too much ego.  But maybe it might be circumstantial because she may have a shoulder to lean on (another dood).

So why do I keep reading about BPDs stalking even after they initiate the break up?  I don't get this?  

What would be their reasoning for stalking?   Are they stalking when they feel you are detached and are moving on?

Can someone please elaborate?  I just keep hearing about it... .

[bossanover]

I was told quite soon after my breakup by a counsellor that what was happening to me was in fact, stalking. (and a drawn out smear campaign)

Non-stop abusive text messages from exBPDgf and her friends, emails, facebook messages, constant phonecalls to me, friends and family members spreading lies and accusations. I was followed onto university campus and harrassed, and then after I went full NC, she took an intervention order against me- by using the legal system, my ex forced me to have contact with her and attend court.

I may not have spoken to her or even made eye contact, but just knowing that they have gotten to you, THAT is what a stalker wants. And then even after the restraining order was implemented, she came to my place of work twice when she knew I would be there, to wave her new replacement in my face.

This may all sound like childish games, but the definition of stalking includes a lot of behaviour. It doesn't have to just be a weirdo in ta trenchcoat hiding in the bushes outside your house. I would guess that my ex wouldn't even consider what she did stalking. But it did put me in fear and gave me huge anxiety and stress.

At this stage, I would guess that my ex didn't have a replacement lined up. If she had, maybe I wouldn't have got as much grief as I did. BPDs often play the victim card. In my case, the stalking was a sort of "you think you can just walk away and ignore me"? Fatal attraction type of scenario... it was quite scary. I'm dreading the end of the intervention order as I'm expecting I'll be contacted somehow...  

[goldylamont]

LuckyNicki my situation is more like yours--I just couldn't see my ex stalking me too much because (i found out) she has such a big EGO and tries to hide any feelings that don't line up with her post-breakup devaluation of me. it seems her main joy and focus was trying to impress everyone with the fact that she didn't care about me at all, had moved on and that i didn't even make a blip on the radar. all lies though. she was hurting, lost a lot of weight afterwards. her rebound was terrible. she would flirt/text/keep in touch afterwards (i was ok with this at first), but then to friends/acquaintances she would lie and say she hadn't spoken to me in months. i cut all contact with her 6 months after we broke up, she had pissed me off enough by then. but then 6 months later, she starts calling me, texting me... . and i find out this same week from a neighbor that she had moved in a few houses around the corner from me. then, she started parking in front of my house, directly behind my car even. i had my locks changed. it was stalker-ish but honestly i don't have to deal with what a lot of people here have to deal with. my ex is too "proud" to admit our r/s affected her at all, but her actions of moving back next to me after her 2nd failed r/s and calling and being nice all of the sudden shows otherwise. feels good to be loved    

p.s. i should note that years earlier when we first started dating, my ex live only one or two blocks away from the guy she was in a r/s with before me! And claimed he had cheated on her (same with me). just history repeating itself, it's her HOBBY! 

[Take2]

My ex has stalked me.  I know he has gone places where he thought I would be such as a work happy hour that I told him I was not going to.  He went to try to find me there so he could prove I was lying.   I wasn't.   One time when I wanted to hang out after work he was vague all day about it and then when he saw me laugh at a speech someone was giving (a man) at our "bring your child to work" day, he accused me of being involved with said man and refused to hang out.  I tried to tell him he was totally wrong but that just made him stick to his position tighter.  So I gave up and said I was going to the gym instead.   I next heard from him at 3 am that night asking how the gym was so of course I told h km it was good.  He then accused me of lying and that he knew I hadn't gone.  Wrong again.   I pointed out how crowded it had been and that I had to park in a different section than where I normally do and that if he was going to stalk me to at least do a better job of it.  That of course did not go over well .

It was also around this phase last year when his rages began to seriously escalate.   

I know he has stalked me online and work has made our computer system a stalkers dream.   He can tell anytime I'm not at my computer without even being in the same location.   

He is pretty classic in a stalkers behavior.   HE is so convinced that I have wronged him so many countless times that he feels like the rejected partner and would try to prove that I must be lying.  Reality is that I wasn't ever lying.  I think now that he has a new gf that the stalking has totally stopped.   His rages and silent treatment are almost all that is left.

[Want2know]

So why do I keep reading about BPDs stalking even after they initiate the break up?  I don't get this? 

What would be their reasoning for stalking?   Are they stalking when they feel you are detached and are moving on?

I'm not sure that stalking is a BPD thing.  It can happen after any break up.  There are a variety of experiences you'll read about that show us nons 'stalking' our ex's - ie. on facebook, not being able to not look at their page, driving by their house to see if a new lover is there, asking mutual friends what they are doing, etc.

Depends on what you consider stalking. 

There are definitely situations where the pwBPD continues to contact or interact in a manner that would seem stalkerish - it does happen.  Their behavior is much of the same as it was in the relationship.  For example, my ex was very jealous when I hung out with other people without him when we were together.  He would call me incessantly when I was out.  When we broke up some of that behavior continued, however at that point, it seemed like he was stalking me as we were no longer a couple.  It's hard for some of them to let go of the relationship, as it is hard for some of us to let it go.

[blissful_camper]

I had relocated to a small town out of state to be with my ex.  While living there, he had friends keeping tabs on me when I wasn't with him.  He observed me on Facebook.  His friends observed me on Facebook. 

In fact his friends friended me on Facebook, before my ex opened his own account on Facebook, all to observe and keep tabs on me. A couple of months after living in his community, I blocked his friends.  I felt they had friended me for inappropriate reasons, and I let my ex know that too, that I had a right to privacy. Shortly after I blocked his friends (one was a police officer), my ex requested that I go to the local PD for random fingerprinting.  I'm a law abiding citizen and was shocked by his request. Anytime my ex felt that he was losing control of me, he solicited help from his adult son who would contact me to remind me what a 'good friend' his father was to me.  It was just rogue. 


After I left him, and moved out of state, he continued to keep tabs on me on Facebook, so I blocked him.  To get around that block he created a fake account.  Since I use Facebook for business purposes, my posts were previously public for networking purposes.  I don't do that anymore.  It's locked down (everything is set to friends only).

[tinkerbell09]

I don't know if they see it as stalking... doesn't mean it isn't, but I think they see it as keeping the attachment.

My exBPDbf stormed off six months ago... so I did the adult thing and did the "official" break-up... (we had recycled a few times already and I was sick of it)... . I sent him a "closure" email... "I hope you have a happy life, all the best to you, etc."... and went on... . he was a FB friend, but was never on... then about three weeks later... POOF!... his phone showed up and I could see that he was on quite a bit... . with no FB friends other then me... . so I unfriended him... . I was moving on, didn't want too see the little green light, etc... and BAM!... he went into a rage that I had unfriended him... . he was there to check up on me.

It's about the attachment/attention... . even negative attention is attention... and to them breaking-up doesn't mean unattaching... . it's a very odd thing to wrap your mind around. They don't seem to get that ending things is an end... . one thing I've found out the hard way... the only real closure you get is what you give yourself... there is no closure on their side of it... things will go on and on as long as you pay attention to them.

[bossanover]

It's about the attachment/attention... . even negative attention is attention... and to them breaking-up doesn't mean unattaching... . it's a very odd thing to wrap your mind around. They don't seem to get that ending things is an end... . one thing I've found out the hard way... the only real closure you get is what you give yourself... there is no closure on their side of it... things will go on and on as long as you pay attention to them.

wow yes. Summed up perfectly.

I don't think my ex has "unattached" from any of her exes. BPDs need a list of potential caregivers that they can sort through and test each person on the list one by one until one is duped. A list of exes is the perfect thing to have for them. If one says no, try and suck the next one on the list back in...

yuck

[blissful_camper]

I don't think my ex has "unattached" from any of her exes. BPDs need a list of potential caregivers that they can sort through and test each person on the list one by one until one is duped. A list of exes is the perfect thing to have for them. If one says no, try and suck the next one on the list back in...

yuck

Good point.  My ex talked about his former relationships often. Some of those relationships had ended ten, twenty years ago.  He hadn't detached.   

[tinkerbell09]

Yes! Both of you are right on the money with that... (I need to look up how to quote here)... . my exBPDbf was still attached to his exes too... especially his exwife. "A list of potential caregivers."... . I never thought of that, and it sums it up really well. When one dupe has had enough, they go to the next one on the list... and the next and the next.

It feels so good to be off that list!

[Glef]

This part confuses me cause mine just stopped talking to me. No words at all.

It's been two months now.

Do some pretend you never existed?

[restoredsight]

This part confuses me cause mine just stopped talking to me. No words at all.

It's been two months now.

Do some pretend you never existed?

Everyone is different.

My wife pushed me hard, seemed to hate me and enjoy hurting me, but she'd also keep some sort of string tied to me if she could.

A little story. I was slapped with a temporary restraining order during our first break up. This was in part because in my stupidity, I broke her phone because I was angry about the cheating, but there were a host of other charges that were completely fabricated. I wasn't allowed in our apartment, and had to stay at friend's homes. She didn't show up for court, nearly 3 weeks later, despite her friend reminding her that it was on that date the night before (she couldn't do it, she insisted it was a different date, even when I reentered the apartment. She seemed to be disassociating. She sort of argued against the reality of the date. She went so far as to bring out paperwork to try and prove it.)

My clothes had been packed and were in boxes on the floor. However, she had taken every single one of the paintings that I had done and had hung them in a circle around our bed. When I asked if she even grieved our relationship, she fell into my arms and wept, and wouldn't let go for several minutes. She saw that I had lost a lot of weight while we were apart and made me a sandwich. She begged me to stay in her life. She said she wanted to work things out. She dropped me off at my friends house, and kissed me goodbye. I wouldn't hear from her again for 7 months. (Except for the time that she called me and tried to order Chinese food about a week after she stopped contact.)

She blocked me on Facebook, but didn't unfriend me. She got engaged about 3 months out, and then her face pops back up before vanishing again a few days later. She left the guy, left the state, and I sort of figured that was that. She unblocks me again, and so I blocked her. She finally text me directly. I heard from her roommate that she was "missing" me from time to time for 2 months before the contact.

[Waifed]

Not one peep from my ex in over 6 months. I don't think she will ever try to contact me but who knows. I do know that a week before I left she asked me if I would still see her in the future even if I remarried. I told her "Hell no"!  What kind of messed up question is that? 

[Take2]

Glef... . your wife called you and tried to order Chinese food. ... ?

I'm not sure if I would laugh hysterically or cry hysterically.

I hope you were able to at least laugh... .

[MissyM]

This is a thread I needed to read.  My dBPDh has been stalking me this week.  We are separated and he went way off the edge here, unfriended me on FB, took of his wedding ring, all a bunch of childish crap.  He said he didn't want to watch the children while it helped me, so he hasn't had the kids.  So he drove by our house last night, the kids were outside and he told them that he was just looking to see if we were home.  Then today he showed up while my son was practicing, which makes no sense because he never could talk to him.  He just came to bother me.

He wants me to meet him for marital therapy but I am sure that it is just so he can have access to me.  I am not interested in him trying to manipulate the marital therapist, who totally has his number anyway.

[restoredsight]

Glef... . your wife called you and tried to order Chinese food. ... ?

I'm not sure if I would laugh hysterically or cry hysterically.

I hope you were able to at least laugh... .

I was confused. I did cry. She cheerfully rattled off her order and didn't recognize who I was.

[Reforming]

I think they do miss us though they deal with in a dysfunctional, unhealthy way.

But then I suppose not all of us deal with it brilliantly either

Since I separated 18 months I pretty much closed the door. Last May I unfriended and blocked my ex on FB.

In October I got a couple of calls from her office which I didn't take.

A few days before my birthday in November I got a text which I ignored.

I had a bad period over Christmas and New Year when I felt very vulnerable and lost and for the first time since we separated I rang her mobile.

Fortunately it went to voicemail and I didn't leave a message. Within a couple of days I was self aware enough to recognise how pointless and destructive it would be to renew contact.

It was a lucky escape for both of us but when you feel frightened and lonely it's easy to reach out for all the wrong reasons.

On the weekend I got a strange FB request from a young girl who I don't know but who works with her company. I deleted it.

I think a lot of people in all kinds of relationships struggle to let go of exes.

It's not just BPDs or us. A lot of people use FB, twitter and google to snoop on exes

I know it's unhealthy but I've done it. It's something we all have to work on

[pinkparchment]

I think BPDs cope differently, some fight you and some try to erase you. Since I rejected my ex's ultimatum she went NC with me and blocked me from every single possible medium. Numbers, email addresses, facebook (she had two accounts, blocked me from both). Since she was suicidal and in the hospital the last time we spoke I was incredibly worried. In fact, when she didn't show up for clinical supervision (clinical grad students) I was SO worried that I drove up (5 hours north) to try and see her. When I got there I had to email her from my husband's account and she simply said "I'm done." Refused to see me. She knew that shutting me out was the worst possible "punishment" she could bestow on me.

So for some, once you have rejected them and they decide to detach... . any reminder that you in fact exist is threatening. She was moving on (at least trying to) with some trainwreck she met in the hospital who was absolutely nothing that she wanted (drugs, drinking, veeeery young, also fresh off a break-up, totally unstable---my ex was completely ready, desperate really, to settle down and have kids and a "happy family" and she didn't want to think about me and my stability and my kids and my laundry folding, crock pot using, apron wearing mothering.

Not only that, but they get off on your desperation and worry as you try repeatedly to contact them. Before she blocked me on facebook, I saw that she was reading message after message I sent her. But didn't block me right away. She wanted to read it all. Wanted to see me wanting her, hurting.

I have no idea if she stalks me via other accounts or media since now I have her blocked. She stalked the crap out of her last girlfriend who left and cut HER off without a word. I guess she really wanted to make sure that SHE was the one who walked away this time. Had to have the upper hand. Whatever.

Once I e-mailed her confronting her about cancelling a planned visit with the intention of spending time with a potential "back-up," then took my kids out to dinner forgetting my phone, and she *totally* bombarded my phone, email, FB, everything. Even started texting my husband from her google number (he was the one who had told me she'd let that slip... . complicated situation obviously ). "How can you do this to me? How can you ignore me like this?" oh irony.

I suppose if I were to give her the benefit of the doubt, there is also a very slim chance that she genuinely believes I am better off without her or am sacrificing too much to be with her. But even so... . i believe the detachment and punishment are a huge part of it. And her support/enabler network reinforcing her deluded perceptions of our relationship, telling her she deserves better etc. Encouraging the NC, etc.

So, lots of factors that might play into whether or not you have a stalker or an eraser.

[Murbay]

Despite me being NC for a year now, my ex still contacts me every 3 weeks by email. I do find it disturbing but also quite comical.

It ranges from her being nice to being really nasty and because I haven't responded to anything, she has now turned her attentions to the rest of my family.

In the past month I have had:

A nasty email asking me to stop getting people to stalk her and that if I want to ask her something, to just ask. This came about because 3 people from my company have been on her LinkedIn profile. I work for one of the 5 largest companies in the world and the 3 people she mentions are all in her country. Likewise, I have no idea who they are. Reading between the lines she is wanting attention.

Just before that, there was her tearful phonecall to my mother, pleading with her not to hang up the phone. She wanted to know why nobody had contacted her to see how she was. My mother gave her a few home truths and asked her never to contact her again. That lasted about a week.


My mother, myself and my sister all got an email because she had seen a major incident on the news and wanted one of us to let her know we were ok because she was concerned. The incident was 10 miles from where my sister lives but she knows I travel abroad to visit her and could possibly be there. Again, reading between the lines, she just wanted attention and to test the water.


On advice of my T, I have passed all emails and phone logs onto a lawyer. Not going to press charges right now because it would only give her the attention she wants. Instead, it's being documented legally and when lawyer believes it's getting out of hand, then we look at stage 2. I do have the bonus of being in another country, over 3000 miles away otherwise I do believe she would just turn up on my doorstep. She has done it before so I wouldn't put it past her but I have moved since she did that 3 years ago 

[Landslide2014]

I would imagine each BPD to be different. For me, I confirm stalking. Room tampered with, pages in my journal copied, odometer reset, emails, computer and phone checked (there are things he is aware of that I have only shared in texts to private people), personal items at work (I have my own business and he comes around) taken. I have been followed, questioned with the motive to trap me (I wish I could say that was speculation, but the method and sometimes the conviction, for example "you said that you went at 5 but I was there and I didn't see you... . etc) is always over the top. I am sometimes worried about posting here and being "revealed". But then I remember it's about truth, and we are only as sick as our secrets.  So I am not going to attempt to control that, nor will I make it easy. I changed my passwords, had my phone and ipad rest and checked for spyware, and I try and carry my personal words with me. Tired of protecting myself. I just want to let it be.