Quitting easy?

[Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse...]

Hi!

I have been in what I think BPD rs for about 1.5 years. More info about my experience is in the introduction section.

So the thing is - I determined what is wrong with my rs - I already knew that the behavior and reactions to various stimuli from my gf are inadequate but I didn't know how to explain it. It didn't occur to me that there are such PDs that would explain this. I researched it for days and came to conclusion that i was right all along - there is no hope. There are so many things that I don't like that I have to leave. It was obvious that she wouldn't.

So I packet and left - a bit more than 2 weeks ago. There was begging, talking about suicide, anger, then "can we still be friends", anger, texting, emailing etc. Finally she calmed down but still was very clingy - asked me to give us another chance - I was so getting better, I finally could do something at my job but this pressure built up. I started imagining things - how life could have turned out. And a week later we met, we talked, I ended up at her place, in the morning I left. Now the second week - again we meet, we talk, she was willing to do anything and I bought into this. But things are changing back as they were before, therapist is off the list and behaviors seem to gradually return, tho she tries to be a good girl for now and please me. We do not spend our time together - I told that I have a busy work schedule, she has problems in her family so we are keeping it low. It is obvious that it can't work out - she hates(silently) my family (from what I have heard she keeps a grudge against them because in her mind they are ones who turned me against her), I don't like her family either, we do not share common interests - completely divergent world views - Actually there is nothing common - on what foundation this relationship can  survive? I won't live at her place, and I won't get a new place just for "us", because I have become very cautious. Besides that - I don't trust her - there is nothing that could change these feelings. Everything is set - bye bye.

But - I want to do it the right way - I want her to understand that it is over - like OVER - don't contact me, please! I suspect this is utopia and it is just my willpower that will keep me in line not to contact her.

The question is - how to end this - politely, sweet, with minimum hard feelings? What were your experiences? I think it should be done in person, but boy - those tears and weeps... . Thing is - I really care about her and do love her, I just can't help her to feel more whole. Maybe there is a person who can tolerate her behaviors better than me and she does have a better shot with someone else... .

I suspect she knows what will follow, because previously she had similar experience - second time didn't work out as well. I know for sure, she won't harm herself -she has quite an extensive family at arm's reach so she will be fine. Nevertheless, how do I approach? The first time I was cold and distant - I tried not to listen to all those repetitive weeps of real love, connection, good times etc. It was hard but I managed. But now I want to end this - fast.

Thank you!

[mapys]

Hi!

I have been in what I think BPD rs for about 1.5 years. More info about my experience is in the introduction section.

So the thing is - I determined what is wrong with my rs - I already knew that the behavior and reactions to various stimuli from my gf are inadequate but I didn't know how to explain it. It didn't occur to me that there are such PDs that would explain this. I researched it for days and came to conclusion that i was right all along - there is no hope. There are so many things that I don't like that I have to leave. It was obvious that she wouldn't.

So I packet and left - a bit more than 2 weeks ago. There was begging, talking about suicide, anger, then "can we still be friends", anger, texting, emailing etc. Finally she calmed down but still was very clingy - asked me to give us another chance - I was so getting better, I finally could do something at my job but this pressure built up. I started imagining things - how life could have turned out. And a week later we met, we talked, I ended up at her place, in the morning I left. Now the second week - again we meet, we talk, she was willing to do anything and I bought into this. But things are changing back as they were before, therapist is off the list and behaviors seem to gradually return, tho she tries to be a good girl for now and please me. We do not spend our time together - I told that I have a busy work schedule, she has problems in her family so we are keeping it low. It is obvious that it can't work out - she hates(silently) my family (from what I have heard she keeps a grudge against them because in her mind they are ones who turned me against her), I don't like her family either, we do not share common interests - completely divergent world views - Actually there is nothing common - on what foundation this relationship can  survive? I won't live at her place, and I won't get a new place just for "us", because I have become very cautious. Besides that - I don't trust her - there is nothing that could change these feelings. Everything is set - bye bye.

But - I want to do it the right way - I want her to understand that it is over - like OVER - don't contact me, please! I suspect this is utopia and it is just my willpower that will keep me in line not to contact her.

The question is - how to end this - politely, sweet, with minimum hard feelings? What were your experiences? I think it should be done in person, but boy - those tears and weeps... . Thing is - I really care about her and do love her, I just can't help her to feel more whole. Maybe there is a person who can tolerate her behaviors better than me and she does have a better shot with someone else... .

I suspect she knows what will follow, because previously she had similar experience - second time didn't work out as well. I know for sure, she won't harm herself -she has quite an extensive family at arm's reach so she will be fine. Nevertheless, how do I approach? The first time I was cold and distant - I tried not to listen to all those repetitive weeps of real love, connection, good times etc. It was hard but I managed. But now I want to end this - fast.

Thank you!

[Cimbaruns]

Mapys

This story is all too familiar here to many. So sorry you are going through this world of hurt.

Quite honestly there is only one way to end these types of r/s and that takes you deciding that you are no longing playing the game and engaging in this triangle game of push and pull.

You have to end it for YOU... . and remove those hooks that are steadfastly placed upon your heart !

In my r/s with my uBpdw... . we went through many breakups and recycles such as this... and I will say that doing it in person is a mistake , especially if you've broken it off at this point. They are master manipulators and the tears and emotions that will be displayed will only trigger you to want to rescue once again. Prepare yourself for everything and anything she may throw at you and stay strong ... .

Personally I would go the only way that truly works... . and that is NC... . block all forms of contact... . including social media .  Sounds harsh... . maybe cruel... . but remember you're doing it for you!

I have been through the tears... promises... threats... . suicide threats... the stalking everything they can use to keep you hooked... . and until I realized that this wasn't a normal healthy way to have a r/s... . I too kept myself engaged

Keep reading and posting here mapys... . we have all walked this path and are here to listen and offer our support.

Go NC... . block her... . I spent 5 years playing this game until I finally realized that I needed to stop it for me!

Stay strong! 

[mapys]

Yep, it is fascinating how these relationships can be cloned all over the globe... .

Maybe I wasn't clear enough - I want her to understand that this is it - the GRAND FINAL, no more hope. I want her to move on with her life, yes selfish, I know - but I don't want her obsessing about me - I want her to shift the focus from me to her previous BFs or new ones or whatever. And I think if sooner she realizes that it is over, sooner she will be able to move on - I know - it is my logic not her's.

I want to be clear to her - I have decided - and that is it. I think it is honest to say it to her face not via text. Another thing - I suppose unintentionally or maybe intentionally she left something at my place - I want to return it as well. So one final conversation in my opinion is inevitable. Only I want to keep it short - I don't want to hear all those Love, didn't love etc. Problem is that she (I guess all of these people) do not react rationally - they do not understand that it is over and there is no one to blame - I want something other, thank you for your time, pleasure - let us move on (I think we both gained something from this rs). I might just say what I have to say and leave? I don't mind if she thinks I am an ahole.

Thoughts?

Thanks!

[Cimbaruns]

Mapys

Sounds like you have made your decision... . so be strong and do it I say!  And good luck!

It's all about what works for YOU!

As I have come to believe however... . be prepared... . all things lead to drama drama drama

Let us know how things go... .

Sending you strength and positive thoughts my friend!

[Want2know]

I agree that going no contact without some kind of formal communication with her about the finality of your decision is not the best way to do this.  If you would like some ideas to help you decide on what to say and how to say it, this article may be helpful:  https://bpdfamily.com/pdfs/carver.pdf

Trying to keep the emotion out of the conversation is going to be a challenge.  Being prepared is a good thing, as well as deciding on where you want to have this conversation and how long you will allot for it.  Having somewhere to go that will give you an 'out' to end the conversation is probably good to do, ie. meeting some friends for dinner (and I probably wouldn't tell her where you are going specifically).

Keep us posted on how you decide to handle this, and what questions you may have... . we're here to help. 

[mapys]

Ohhh - I don't know - probably I just made a bigger mess... . Quitting easy - Yeah, right!

As we are now separated (not living together) with my BPDgf still it counts as we are together (she begged me so desperately that I gave in to give it a second chance)- 3 communication sessions per day - text with good morning, a call during the day and text in the evening saying goodnight. She tends to write longer messages, I give very short answers - so I am not pouring any gasoline to the flame - I am trying to put it out.

I just want to say that the more I think the more I understand that I don't have the gut to say - It is over - in person. I already did this once and it took me back. Is this normal?

Previously she talked me into dancing lessons, tho I already know how to dance - none of lessons were uplifting - I was doing a lot of things wrong (in her mind) and she had that "face" - you know. Then other things came and I pulled the plug. So now (during our "attempt to reconcile" she says - I should have just said no to the lessons and it would have been OK with her (yeah, right )  Well, I told her that I don't know if i want to go anymore. Obviously she asks for solid answer. She already I suppose tried to guilt me that the company won't refund, and there are no free partners available and it was so so fun when we went to those lessons, it is a good way to reconcile - I should give it a thought. So I did - and I completely understand that there is no future for us. Also she was upset yesterday because I wasn't very talkative when she called (I had a business to attend) so the evening text also was very brief from her. Today she tries with new force - sent me an email, very uplifting, with images and congratulations etc.

This is where I probably made a mistake - I already answered very friendly - that I wish her a good day and that I have decided to quit lessons, that she should look either for a free dancing partner or get a refund. I explained that the company cannot refuse a refund because she didn't receive the service. And I used her and mine given names instead of "fluffy muffy etc" - you know

I just can't keep holding it within me - again I have deadlines but I can't concentrate - my thoughts are somewhere... . just not where they should be.

So - did I make thing worse? Did I prepare the soil for what is to come? Do I wait, do I just spill it over the e-mail? I don't know what to expect now and at some level it frightens me

If you have any thoughts, please share!

Thank's

[mapys]

And another thing... .

I just noticed that she has changed me so that I use smiley-faces  even when i text formal information to my mother and colleagues. That is because she was not able to understand my "mood" if there were no smileys - what the heck?