Brainwashing; Learning how it's done so I can undo it

[LilMissSunshine]

Like everyone here, healing from my failed relationship has been one of the most difficult experiences of my life.  I examined my early childhood and looked for FOO issues.  :)idn’t find much to be honest.  Was married for almost 20 years before divorcing; did the marriage counseling and private therapy thing and I never appeared to be the issue.   Former husband was more interested in a single life so we went our separate ways.  On his deathbed last June, with tears in his eyes, said “I know you’ve forgiven me.  The problem is, I just can’t forgive myself for what I did to you”.  I carefully and lovingly “helped” him to forgive himself before he passed away.  As far as our issues went, he died in peace.

Stepping back a bit, when my husband left the marriage, I concentrated on my 3 children.  I eventually went back to school at night to earn my bachelor degree.  Five years later, my oldest convinced me to set up a profile on line.  She said “It was time for me to meet a man and get on with that part of my life”.  She even set up my dating profile and managed it for me, as I really didn’t have much interest.  After several months, I finally started to pay attention to the site and met my DDS.  He was the first one I met and I was completely swept off my feet.  Big time honeymoon stage that lasted well over a year.  Unknown to me the “brainwashing” has already begun.  Yes, I’m calling my situation brainwashing via a pwBPD.  I was an easy target.  Alone for years, single mom, attractive, and extremely empathetic.   After about two years, he had managed to alienate my entire family from me and so goes my saga.  Five and a half years later I find myself on this site.

So, why did I allow my xpwBPD to do this to me?  Could it be as simple as the fact that I was too loving and caring?  Had no idea what a personality disorder was?  Ignored the red flags and my intuition because I was being conditioned to do so?  Stayed in the trap because I was constantly conditioned to believe he was the only one who could bring meaning to my life and make me happy?  Is it unheard of to be a part of these crazy making relationships even if you have no FOO issues?  Why isn’t the term “brainwashing” talked about more on this site?

As, I try to take “personal inventory” and continue to suffer from detachment issues I continue to research PD’s.   As such, I recently read an interesting article on brainwashing.

www.addictiontoday.org/addictiontoday/2013/10/empathy-trap-sociopath-triangle.html

As I read and re-read the article, I feel like I’m FINALLY figuring out why I stayed and put up with as much as I did, for as long as I did.  I FINALLY have a better understanding of the horror of my former relationship.  I think I’m coping better with the grieving process I seem to be stuck in.

Can anyone offer more insight into this?

[LilMissSunshine]

Basically, what I’m trying to say is that I was having an extremely difficult time moving on.  I was stuck in misery.  I couldn't understand how this had happened to me, so I really had no tools to work with in terms of healing and working through the long term agony of the demise of my former relationship.  When considering “brainwashing” everything makes more sense to me now and I finally see the defects in myself that made me such an easy target.  I see the issues I need to work on within myself.  I see the path to my recovery and healing.

[Clearmind]

see the defects in myself that made me such an easy target.  I see the issues I need to work on within myself.  I see the path to my recovery and healing.

Great! Can you share more about what you think those issues are?

[LilMissSunshine]

 Thinking that as a soon to be "empty nester"  maybe I was starting to feel a bit pressured.  It had been several years since my divorce and family and friends were insisting it was time for me to find a new man.  In any case, I know I was an easy target when I met him.   Still taking a deep look at myself but a couple things are for sure... . I'm too much of a giver, and a fixer - and that's why I stayed so long.  Was a little too high on myself in terms of thinking my love for him was enough to make him "normal".  I also have to consider my codependency on him which developed over time.  Ugh!  Most of all I need to figure out why I allowed him to completely "brainwash" me the way he did.  That's actually a question my closest friend and sister presented to me and I just don't have an explanation yet. 

[LettingGo14]

Most of all I need to figure out why I allowed him to completely "brainwash" me the way he did.  That's actually a question my closest friend and sister presented to me and I just don't have an explanation yet. 

Hello Breslin, I appreciate your post and your question.  I've been doing a lot of reading lately to sort out things.  One concept you may want to review further is Murray Bowen's theory of "differentiation" of self.    Here's one place I started:  www.difficultrelationships.com/2006/03/25/bowen-differentiation/

I hope you can be kind to yourself.  We carry heavy hearts from what we endured.  But, hopefully, by doing the work, we can release the past.   Thanks for posting.

[LilMissSunshine]

Lots of good insight in that article.  Thank you Letting Go.  I definitely need to step back and redefine my role in my life and the lives of others.  I need to learn when it's time to let go and allow people to be responsible for their own lives.  To recognize when I'm simply not needed anymore - but in a good way.  To understand I'm only responsible for ME.  To remember not to forget to  "Be willing to say clearly who I am and who I want to be while others are trying to tell me who I am and who I should be."  In other-words, always remaining true to me and my morals and values. 

[GreenMango]

One of the ways to start personal inventory and shift the focus on the behaviors of the ex and reflecting on our thoughts and behaviors could be to delve into the schema and personality spectrum tests here:

Schema Inventory: Take the Test

POLL:How did you score?

TEST:  Personality traits how do you score?

These can cast some light on areas that make you vulnerable to unhealthy relationships and what areas to work on.  Have you had a chance to take them?

[dontknow2]

Hi Breslin,

I don't offer much insight as requested. I did want to let you know that I was brainwashed to some degree too. My ex told me that he broke me, similar to his dog training approach, to keep me in control... . kind of like what the military did in bootcamp. If that isn't creepy enough, he said he realized years later that he didn't need to do that.

It was a scary place when I faced the reality of being brainwashed.

It sounds like you are on a great track to figuring your situation out with your own compass and others who've already responded. 

[Popcorn71]

My ex told me that he broke me, similar to his dog training approach, to keep me in control... . kind of like what the military did in bootcamp.

It is weird hearing that others have been treated exactly as I was. My exBPDh often used to say he would 'train me'.  He meant that he would eventually get me to behave exactly as he wanted.  The scary thing is that he very nearly succeeded. Devaluation and him leaving for a more dependent replacement happened as soon as I stopped going along with his unreasonable expectations.

[goldylamont]

Like everyone here, healing from my failed relationship has been one of the most difficult experiences of my life.  I examined my early childhood and looked for FOO issues.  :)idn’t find much to be honest... .

Is it unheard of to be a part of these crazy making relationships even if you have no FOO issues?  Why isn’t the term “brainwashing” talked about more on this site?

Can anyone offer more insight into this?

LilMissSunshine no it is not unheard of for people to find themselves in these r/s without significant FOO issues. I am speaking for myself and perhaps a couple other people who i've 'met' here posting. Something i didn't realize until i started a thread about it (maybe a year ago?) was that the vast majority of this forum's participants unfortunately are dealing with past FOO issues or other personal problems that may be worse than 'normal'. So because of this dynamic the approach taken to heal here is geared towards uncovering the issues that you may have in the present because of your past. I don't identify with FOO issues causing me to be in the r/s or other personality traits, i just see it as something that happened. something that i learned from. however i have the utmost empathy for those who are dealing with these issues. and also i try to take this into account when in discussions with others since we may be coming from slightly different places.

in the same way you realize you needed to trust your gut in your past r/s, i think it's important to be able to relax and trust it now also. you sound grounded. you have a loving family. you not only forgave but showed tremendous compassion to your past husband. if that article speaks to you then this is a great indicator that it's true for you right now.

it is good exercise to examine ourselves and our past thoroughly. however the answer may be simpler for you than for some others and this is ok. there's no need to try and invent issues for yourself if you aren't finding them to be true. i'm finding that there are a lot of reasons why i had the r/s i had. but i'm not finding that i want to change these aspects of myself, or that there was something necessarily wrong with me to begin with. i'm just keeping a watchful eye on things to ensure it doesn't happen again. if your empathy, love and compassion have brought you pain outside of the r/s with your BPDx then i feel this is something to address. however if the abuse of these gifts was isolated only in the presence of someone with sociopathic tendencies then it may be enough to use the wisdom we've gained to avoid others who behave likewise.

[Cumulus]

Re: the Murray Bowen article, what exactly does it mean to be responsible TO others but not be responsible FOR others?

To be responsible to others does that not mean following through on what we say we will do, not intentionally hurting another... .

If I am responsible to myself does it follow that I will be responsible to others?

I am confused.

[Sunny Side]

Re: the Murray Bowen article, what exactly does it mean to be responsible TO others but not be responsible FOR others?

To be responsible to others does that not mean following through on what we say we will do, not intentionally hurting another... .

If I am responsible to myself does it follow that I will be responsible to others?

I am confused.

Hi Cumulus, in adult relationships my interpretation is this:

What I'm responsible for (i.e. What I must do for myself) :

Understanding, maintaining and fulfilling my own needs -- i.e. my livelihood, health, spirituality, hobbies, pursuits, interests, etc.

Defining, practicing and enforcing my own set of boundaries and values

Accountability.  Keeping my word to others -- friends, family, loved ones, employers, etc. Matching my words with actions.

What I'm not responsible for in others (i.e. What I must not do for anyone else)

Any of the above.  Other adults must seek, define and do this for themselves.

Along Bowen's theory (loosely) healthy adult relations are defined when there is a healthy level of self-differentiation between individuals, i.e. there is less dependency on others to define what healthy adult individuals can and should be responsible to define in themselves.  Being responsible TO someone means I have a strong understanding of what it means to be a reasonably self-actualized adult.  Being responsible FOR them is more akin to how we may relate to a child or a pet.  Individuals who rely on others to define and fulfill their needs.

Long-winded way to address your question but yes to be responsible to yourself as an adult it follows that you can then be responsible in a healthy way to other adults in kind.

[fromheeltoheal]

I don't buy the brainwashing thing in my case, or BPD in general.  Borderlines are not sociopaths, two different things, and my ex was so tied up in her own needs that she wasn't consciously capable of methodical brainwashing.  Manipulation attempts that seemed malicious at times sure, but clearly all attempts to control me so I wouldn't leave, that abandonment fear underlying everything, and also to control her world since she melted into a puddle of insecurity when she felt out of control in a situation, which could be as simple as having other people around, so she tried to prevent that too.  I think "brainwashing" is giving her too much credit.

I've dug deep into my issues and what led me to the relationship, and the bottom line is I was lonely, susceptible, and socially isolated when she showed up, so I was especially enraptured by the mirroring and idealization.  The answer in the future is to not show up needy entering a relationship, define and enforce boundaries, develop better emotional intelligence and don't ignore my gut feel, and just become stronger in general.  These are not deep-seated emotional or psychological issues that need to be resolved, in fact I like myself plenty, it's about focus shift, paying attention, and having a clue.

Here's a little feel-good I've been reading recently:

People who become Caretakers for a BP/ NP also seem to have a certain set of personality traits. These traits do not constitute a “personality disorder .” In fact, they can be highly valued and useful to relationships and families, at work, and socially, especially when they are at moderate levels. They include a desire to do a good job, enjoyment in pleasing others, a desire to care for others, peacemaking, a gentle and mild temperament, and calm and reasonable behaviors. These traits can be the hallmark of someone who is easy to get along with, caring of others, and a good worker, spouse, and parent. But when you use these behaviors as a means of counteracting the extreme behaviors of the BP/ NP, they can morph into more toxic forms and become perfectionism, a need to please, overcompliance, extreme guilt, anxiety, overconcern, avoidance of conflict, fear of anger, low self-esteem, and passivity. At that point, these traits become detrimental to the mental, emotional, and physical health of the person and become Caretaker behaviors.

People who are emotionally healthy usually exit a relationship when this push/ pull pattern becomes more and more evident. They do not have much need or tolerance for this level of romantic or emotional instability. That is why BP/ NPs often have a pattern of many short-term relationships. But when BP/ NPs finds a Caretaker, he or she has found someone to dance to the relationship tune, someone who is adaptable and willing to be intimate and close one minute and who will also feel guilty and responsible enough to hang around when the BP/ NP pushes him or her away. Caretakers find that it is extremely difficult to abandon a BP/ NP. The Caretaker feels almost a calling to rescue someone who is emotionally hurting. It seems like the right and loving thing to do, but then you can’t see any way to leave without devastating the BP/ NP. As a Caretaker for a BP/ NP, this dance of “intimate hostility” doesn’t seem unfamiliar or bizarre to you. Your need to care for, save, protect, and take responsibility for the BP/ NP pulls you deeper into the relationship.

I did not become a Caretaker in my relationship, and I'm proud of that.  As the dysfunction escalated, it became clear that she was going to do what she wanted, emotions all over the place, no resolution to anything, and she expected me to just deal with it because in her head she was awesome and I should be grateful, except when she was feeling worthless, then I was supposed to be the rock.  Yeah, OK sunshine, gotta go... .