Why Do I Still Care About Her Self Repect?

[love2give]

My exBPDgf ended it in early Jan saying we just don't get along.  I took it very hard as I was always wanting to fix things and work things out.  After I was never able to go more than four days without sending a text or email I finally send a final email March 3 after finding out through a friend that she was posting victim quotes on her Facebook.  Quotes about how she has become a bhit because of how a man treated her.  Now of course everyone on her FB knew we had been dating for a year and a half because she had pictures of us all over her page.

Considering the fact that I gave her EVERYTHING I had even at the expense of my own children, for myself that quote she posted was the final blow.  I emailed her, not in anger but letting her know that I gave my all and was truly in love 100%.  Sent the email at 5 pm and by 5:05 pm my contact on her FB said she had taken it down.  Of course no return email still or text.  NOTHING.  

Well that event had given me some closure and up until today I have not tried contacting her.  I thought I was doing better.  Had a brief emotional relationship with another woman the past two weeks which kept me distracted but that ended yesterday.

During our relationship, my exBPDgf would often accuse me of being a "facebooker" and being on it often even though that could be the furthest thing from the truth.  I told her many times that wasn't so.

Since the breakup in Jan I have had more time on my hands and I have spent a bit a time on one of her old friends FB page where he constantly posts all different types of life quote images from quotes about Love, to Food and Health to Sex.  I know the timing of me ex's relationships and decided to go back and see what kind of FB activity she had before I met her.  She was constantly liking and commenting on his posts.  Most of her comments were on post involving finding the wrong guy that holds you back and post about learning when to let go of someone because they are dragging you down.  She would boast how the men in her life would beg her to come back after she left cause only then did they realize what they had lost in her.  I noticed never once did she LIKE or Comment on any of the fitness and health posts (she is heavy into fitness), never commented on Love and Compromise posts and never comment or liked the SEX posts.

All this to also say that I was quite hurt and shocked at the fact that she would accuse me of being a "facebooker" when in reality she has been constantly liking and commenting on it since 2010.  She did slow it down while we were dating I noticed.  She has approx. 300 FB friends and only one true life friend who lives out of town.  When we started dating she also removed the many bikini pics of her self on her FB page.  She is in her early 40's and looks amazing but I couldn't help but wonder if she posted those for all the drooling the men did over them.  I expressed this to her once and she removed them.

Fast forward to yesterday.  I returned to her friends FB page and started going through more of the quotes that he posted.  He must post 10 to 15 a day.  She had not liked anything for months since out breakup as she knows I now go read the quotes as well.  Well yesterday she was back.  What truly hurt is that she liked two posts not about love, or relationship.  She liked two posts about rough sex and the right man bringing the bad girl out in the bedroom.  Also I have come to learn, the bikini pics are back on her page.

I may be over reacting but I was devastated by this.  We had an amazing sex life and I always expressed to her how as crazy as sex could be with us it was always a private act out of love.  She agreed.  The fact she had never liked sexual posts in the past made me believe her.  Why would a woman at this age have to let the world know that she loves rough sex and is a bad girl in bed.  

I feel like I have gone backwards again.  I know I have to stop looking at this FB page but I just cannot seem to get over her 100%.  Worst part is, I was on the verge of calling her right now but instead decided to post here for now.

Im so hurt and I so miss her.  Why do I care about her self respect more than she does?  :)oes she truly believe her looks and sex is all she is worth?

Thanks for reading

[Surnia]

Great step to post here instead of calling her. 

I am sorry to hear about your difficult times - yes, all the new media can be sort of tempting and also a challenge.

You said it yourself:

Im so hurt and I so miss her.

Its hard, its painful and it is part of the grieving process.

[bpdspell]

You care because you're a caring loving human being but it isn't within your power to rescue anyone or make them see the beauty that lives within them. You cannot fix or rescue your ex. Her happiness just like our happiness is an inside job that only she can be responsible for.

So you miss your ex. Have you accepted that your ex is suffering from a severe mental illness? With Borderline Personality Disorder having a stable sense of worth is severely compromised and limited to perfunctory superficial behavior such as sex or having "good looks." Most borderlines don't have a strong sense of themselves or their worth because they are emotionally limited and stunted between the ages of 3-7. Self-respect is a mature emotion that many borderlines have not honed or developed.

As for Facebook it would do you some good to detach from it for a while. With social media we have the tendency to create a narrative from bits and bites of information to make a complete story that often isn't true. What matters now is that you two aren't together and that you owe it to yourself to explore the whys of being attracted to a person who hasn't treated you well.

I understand that letting go of them is like breaking an addiction but it can be done. A borderline does not have the keys to your happiness no matter the mirage they present. They are very sick souls caught in a matrix of a mentally ill struggle that only worsens as time goes on.

Spell

[love2give]

You care because you're a caring loving human being but it isn't within your power to rescue anyone or make them see the beauty that lives within them. You cannot fix or rescue your ex. Her happiness just like our happiness is an inside job that only she can be responsible for.

So you miss your ex. Have you accepted that your ex is suffering from a severe mental illness? With Borderline Personality Disorder having a stable sense of worth is severely compromised and limited to perfunctory superficial behavior such as sex or having "good looks." Most borderlines don't have a strong sense of themselves or their worth because they are emotionally limited and stunted between the ages of 3-7. Self-respect is a mature emotion that many borderlines have not honed or developed.

As for Facebook it would do you some good to detach from it for a while. With social media we have the tendency to create a narrative from bits and bites of information to make a complete story that often isn't true. What matters now is that you two aren't together and that you owe it to yourself to explore the whys of being attracted to a person who hasn't treated you well.

I understand that letting go of them is like breaking an addiction but it can be done. A borderline does not have the keys to your happiness no matter the mirage they present. They are very sick souls caught in a matrix of a mentally ill struggle that only worsens as time goes on.

Spell

I fought off the urge to call her all day and I finally gave in just before reading your post.  She has blocked my number.  I messaged her to please call me but hasn't and wont.

Your post means the world to me, thank you.  Some how some way I have to get past this.  It has gone on way to long now and it is destroying my insides.

[Waifed]

L2G

You have only been out of an intense relationship for a couple of months. Your feelings and emotions that you are feeling are very normal. If your ex is BPD then the only rational thing to do is cut ties and look to the future. This is obviously much easier said than done. It is very cliche on here to say work on yourself but it is the best advice anyone could ever give you at this point in time in your life. It will pay dividends if you do. You will develop the willpower to cease all contact with her. It will happen because you will learn to respect yourself and realize that you must move on. Again, it is very early for you and you have no clarity as to what you have just gone through. This will come with processing and more importantly, time.

I am 6 months NC and I remember the pain and suffering my body and mind were taking at 2-3 months out. It's almost more than a human mind can handle. But you know what?  It does get better. I never thought I would recover from the pain that you are feeling right now. Through hard work on myself and time, I have clarity of how different I perceived my 3 year relationship vs. what my ex felt. She took a ride on a passing ship with me for 3 years. It was a ride, that is all. I nurtured and cared for her during this period until it finally became too. much for her to handle. It was never in her mind a permanent ride, just one to carry her as far as she could go before it was too much too handle.  She jumped ship and was rescued (I assume) by another passing ship. This cycle will repeat and either consciously or subconsciously she knows it and survives accordingly.

You will recover from the pain and eventual anger. You will likely forgive and become indifferent. Be easy on yourself.  You have been through a relationship that defies human logic.  Repair your "self" and things will once again fall into place for you. You see, the reason her posts on FB are erratic over the years is because her "self" is not developed and she is trying to mirror anyone and everyone until her next ship comes by. Don't mistake her actions as being a reflection of you. She is responsible for her actions, as much as they may hurt you. What she does and how she behaves is all on her. It is not your fault. Hang in there and always remember that it will get better. It just takes time.

[love2give]

Thank you so much.  I don't know where I would be without this forum.  Some incredibly caring people. 

[Waifed]

This forum is a reflection of what all humankind should be about It has been a lifesaver for many many people. Good luck to you. I look forward to following your recovery on here