Living a lie for so many years. How can I move on?

[toomanytears]

My past life is unravelling week by week. I now know that my BPDh had been planning to bring his new girlfriend to work in his department long, long before we broke up. I don't think he wanted to end our marriage. Just to have his cake and eat it. I'm sure that this isn't the first time he's been unfaithful. I think it's been happening for years and years. The worst deceit is that after we split up last August, he brought his girlfriend to stay at our house when I was away.  He would send me a text to say he'd washed the sheets - pretending to be helpful I suppose. How did I not guess? Here I am in the marital bed that he's slept in with his girlfriend.  I feel disoriented, numb, shocked. How can I move on from this? Anyone have any strategies? I'm trying to stay focused on the future but my heart keeps dragging me back. Was it all a lie? Those 31 years of marriage? It's so sad.

[Want2know]

I think many of us go through a period of 'how did I not know?', as we were trusting that the person we chose to share our life with would be faithful.  In hindsight, it's 'easy' to see the red flags, however, when we are in the thick of it, we choose to deny things that could be hurtful.  Getting over that trust of yourself, your instincts, takes time and digging into the reality of your relationship (see the first 2 stages of detachment to the right of the screen).

A strategy to get through this?  Understand that his actions to have his self-worth acknowledged by others is part of the disorder.  In some ways, it's not personal.  You were a steadying factor in his life that he needed, and needed others to feed his self-worth.  It's actually kind of sad that someone feels so horribly about themselves that they cannot feel the love that is offered.  It's all very superficial, in some ways.

I had similar circumstances with a few women that I had found out he pursued.  They told me that it didn't go anywhere, but that he tried.  I have an inkling that one woman did probably wind up at my place with him... . a woman who I know well enough to know she has no moral integrity.  Not like that made it any easier to get over, so I understand your pain.

With the knowledge you are gaining, and doing some self-inventory, you will find a way to move on.  Give yourself time to feel and work through it all - with us, with a therapist, with friends/family you trust.  We're here listening.  

[toomanytears]

Thanks Want2know - this helps

 Understand that his actions to have his self-worth acknowledged by others is part of the disorder.  In some ways, it's not personal.  You were a steadying factor in his life that he needed, and needed others to feed his self-worth.  It's actually kind of sad that someone feels so horribly about themselves that they cannot feel the love that is offered.  It's all very superficial, in some ways.

His family loved him - our son and daughter and me - and yet he insists we rejected him.  That's what he really believes and feels, which is what has led him to seek affirmation elsewhere. In the end, his horrible behaviour is having the very effect that he fears... .

[mywifecrazy]

How did I not guess? Here I am in the marital bed that he's slept in with his girlfriend.  I feel disoriented, numb, shocked. How can I move on from this? Anyone have any strategies? I'm trying to stay focused on the future but my heart keeps dragging me back. Was it all a lie? Those 31 years of marriage? It's so sad.

JOIN THE CLUB! Read the posts on this board you are definitely NOT alone. It's HORRIBLE what happened to you and your kids but NONE of it is your fault. You were married to a BROKEN and SICK person and a master at manipulation I'm sure.

I was in the same boat as you. Married for 18yrs in a r/s with my uBPDxw for 20yrs. Caught her in bed with family friend that lives across the street on FATHERS day 2013. I was caught TOTALLY off guard and had no idea what she was up to. After finding out about BPD and doing some digging I found out that she was running around for YEARS on me. She ended up abandoning kids to me and left. Now she's in a r/s with the neighbor across the street. She doesn't care that it is KILLING my kids seeing her over there!

Like you I had to struggle with the feelings of my whole 20yrs with her were a LIE. For me they were a lie but not a lie in the general sense. It helps in my healing process reading and listening to facts about this disorder. I know now that she is a mentally/emotionally sick person. She was this way before I met her and she's this way after she left. There was nothing I did to cause this and nothing I could have done to fix her. I'm actually GLAD now that I caught her or I would still be living the lie. The last nine months have been painful at time but I have also experienced some of the most spirit lifting moments of my entire life. I am growing as a person spiritually, emotionally and health wise now that I'm out of the FOG of being in a r/s with a person with BPD. I would NEVER want to go back!

Some things that helped me:

*church (My faith was the biggest support system in getting me healthy again. Prayer!)

*I attended Divorce Care (a support group for people going through a divorce, google it for

     - meeting places in your area. Heard many stories of people just like us. You will make

     -contacts here that will be there for you and can relate with what you're going through)

*melatonin (I couldn't sleep weeks after I caught her. I was SO STRESSED and on the verge

      -of a nervous breakdown because of lack of sleep. This is an over the counter sleep aid

      - and is non habit forming. YOU MUST GET YOUR REST!)

*Celexa (I was clinically depressed for several weeks. Constant crying, my body hurt from the

         -emotional pain. My family Dr. Put me on a low dose and it was a big help. I got off off

         -as soon as I could though.)

*Sponsor (I had a close friend that went through a similar divorce and it was VERY HELPFUL

         - talking and VENTING to him. It was a SAFE PLACE for me to get my feelings out.

         - it can be unproductive venting and talking about your X with all your acquaintances.

         - after a while people might get TIRED of hearing it. They don't understand your need

         - to get your feeling out. I didn't go to a Therapist but I would highly recommend it. I

         - May still go this route to deal with unresolved issues. My sons are going to see a T

         - starting next week.)

*BPD FAMILY (This site was and still is a big support system for me. Just reading your story

        - knowing that there's someone out there that went through something just like I did

        - is comforting. YOU ARE NOT ALONE!)

I feel for you, keep your chin up. Focus on you and your kids. You will get through this and be a better person for it!

[Dog biscuit]

His family loved him - our son and daughter and me - and yet he insists we rejected him.  That's what he really believes and feels, which is what has led him to seek affirmation elsewhere. In the end, his horrible behaviour is having the very effect that he fears... .

He has to believe that you rejected him in order to justify his cheating behavior, and make it righteous.  

[moveforward]

I totally understand what you are going through and actually that was the same thing my uBPDh said when he decided to leave the last time… that he did not feel he belonged to the family and that he felt rejected…. I believe that in a way it could be true once BPDs need to be the centre of attention and everything needs to evolve around them all the time…. However, as we know it, it does not matter how much you give it will never be enough so it is really pathological. Also, it would be impossible to fulfill their needs once they change all the time and we wld quickly be perceived as good or bad depending on how they are feeling at that moment.

I know what you are going through and I know it can be very hard after such a long marriage but sometimes it helps knowing you are not alone and many people here have been there too.  What is helping me at the moment is read here… that is giving me strength to focus on myself and not on the pwBPD… I would recommend the lessons https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=136462.0

We need time to heal and we need time to find ourselves again…

Hope you find inner peace x

[toomanytears]

Mywifecrazy, Dog Biscuit and Moveforward

Today is my birthday and this morning I received a card from BPDh through the letterbox. I was shocked by my reaction. It sent me into the kind of spiral of grief I haven't experienced for months. I'm out of the pit of despair now thanks to lots of phone calls and texts from friends, my kids, two Zumba sessions and reading your kind and encouraging posts. Even this birthday isn't as bad as the one when he came in our room and threw a parcel onto the bed saying 'I suppose you want your birthday present'.

Your stories are so resonant of mine, it really helps to read them and hear your advice. I am going to a therapist which is a huge help. It takes a while to form a bond and trust each other but I think we're there now. I've never mentioned to her that he's a borderline. I think she gets the picture though.