Use Facebook as a Tool

[goldylamont]

I see a lot of posts on the leaving board about people who can't help but check their ex's Facebook page, even though they think they "shouldn't". I actually feel this is a normal part of the grieving process, albeit unhealthy if done too much. I wanted to share two things that I recommend you do when checking your ex's facebook page if/when you break down and do so.

1) When you see a post or picture that disturbs you:

Breathe into your anxiety, anger, fear or sadness. Don't try to push it away--focus on your breathing and heartrate without trying to slow them down or calm them (this comes later). Before trying to control anything, *feel* it, and try to understand the message behind these uncomfortable emotions. First, figure out specifically what you are feeling, then take a moment and ask yourself why you feel this way--even if you already think you know. Oftentimes little pieces of wisdom will come to mind if you listen to the messages your emotions are trying to give you.

Then, if you are up for it--repeat the exercise. Reread the same post or look again at the photo that disturbed you before. Is it any easier to see? Can you get any other info out of your emotions? When I would repeatedly look at a post/photo, eventually the initial feelings of anxiety or anger would transform into a manageable sadness (which would allow me to let go some) or sometimes give me a keen insight, such as realizing that this is not the type of person i would ever want to be with.

2) De-friend or Block them when you are Angry: It may take several months to get to this point. For me it took keeping in contact with her for 6 months and then experiencing more of her lies and craziness... . but after one disrespectful phone convo, finally I was pissed enough to say "enough is mfkng ENOUGH!" and i immediately un-friended her. started removing any photos with us together in them or untagging myself. my ex didn't stalk (welllll, not too much and not till much later), so I didn't block her as i didn't feel the need. But if you're wondering when/how to get the courage up to un-friend this person to help you stop checking their page--then just wait for a good moment where you are rightfully pissed and click away.

Don't just wait passively for them to unfriend and block you for no good reason. Do it first to help maintain your own boundaries and dignity if you have this as an option.

Just my 2 cents, would love to know your thoughts or any other tips!

[LettingGo14]

Interesting perspective.  And thought provoking.

I'm definitely for "leaning into the spear" of difficult emotion.  It's something I avoided for years.  I like your introspective approach -- i.e. "understand the message" that underlies the emotion.  Until I found this community, my knee jerk reaction to difficult emotions was to re-initiate contact with my ex.  Now, I sit with it.  Try to link it to FOO.  Or, try to let it pass like a storm.  Or, try to connect with my authentic self so I can self-regulate.

There's a buddhist story of the two arrows.  It's punchline is, "If you get struck by an arrow, do you shoot another arrow into yourself?"  Tara Brach, who tells the story, says:  "If we look at the way we move through the day, when something happens, when we have pain in our body, when somebody treats us in a way that feels disrespectful, when something goes wrong for someone we love, that’s the first arrow. Our mind and body go into a reactivity that does not help to bring healing. We blame others, we blame ourselves. That’s the second arrow."

I think that checking social media has a lot of potential problems.  First, we look at someone's pseudo-self (another thread calls it Fantasybook, rather than Facebook).  Second, we might project our own interpretation on what we see.  And, third, we might "react" to something we see because we become flooded with emotion.

I'm guilty of checking social media, so I'm not trying to be dogmatic.  But, I think for No Contact to work it's magic, your second option (blocking) may be the way to go.

Just another perspective.

[pinkparchment]

Very interesting points made by you both. I think knowing yourself is key. For me, closure is incredibly important. The lack of closure and the sudden disappearance of my ex from every medium (like many BPDs she was very active on all social media, needs attention etc) has by far been the most difficult part of our entire relationship. And I'm obsessive enough that I will hunt for clues or answers through FB or whatever, despite knowing she's publicly full of poo. It's like I don't know how to cope with another adult giving me the effing silent treatment so I just stumble around for answers like a rat in a maze.

During our first NC she was deeply unhappy and claimed her life was meaningless without me, yet when she unblocked/refriended me after reestablishing contact her feed was full of peppy, chipper posts about how lucky she was to have "every single one of you! you are my lifelines!" and pictures acting like life was one big party without me. I asked if she was sure she wanted to try again with me, because it seemed like she'd been doing really well during our break. Her reply? "Facebook isn't real life. None of it means anything without you. YOU are my only lifeline."   erm ok.

Anyway, she's reblocked me but my one friend who knows the details of our relationship told me she just added her new "friend" that she met in the hospital---where our non-breakup breakup put her. Talk about immediate replacement! It didn't feel good so I decided to give up web stalking her.

In the weeks since I stopped trying to find the answers and decided to practice acceptance therapy--I've gotten pretty close to being over her. Or at least seeing her clearly.

[arielleis]

Hello,

well I am not sure anyone should delve into their fb. Here is why, it has the potential to re-open some wounds.

My ex was always VERY private on Fb. She actaully didn't join it until 2012. We never posted anything about us. When I realized how dysfunctional she was (we were in a long distance), I decided to break up and guess what... . She moved on two weeks after and started plastering photos of her and her new victime.

The trick is... . I had already deleted her from Fb... . So all her pictures were posted in public mode, just so anyone could see it and when I found that, it hurted like hell... . but then you realize that they dont't call it FAKEbook for no reaso.

I think it's best to stay away, and please don't ruminate on their new found love. They display their false self for the world to see... . and often times it's all BS, bullcrap.

Stay Strong!

AL

[Fool for Love]

I think it's best to stay away, and please don't ruminate on their new found love. They display their false self for the world to see... . and often times it's all BS, bullcrap.

Stay Strong!

AL

Winner Winner Chicken Dinner ^^^^^^^^^

[goldylamont]

So I should make the point here that I'm not advocating for checking your exes Facebook. However the only advice other users seemed to give was "don't check it"--which I agree with. But this to me isn't completely realistic--every person that's replied so far has checked their exes FB in one way or another, despite already knowing that they "shouldn't". So I don't want to encourage checking FB, but wanted to tell others that *when* they do (b/c ya know most of us will at some point), that they can actually get something from it. I think there's valuable advice we could give to the 90%? of people who check, and remove some of the guilt for doing so.

The first 'technique' I discuss is actually a very common thing to do to try to get over phobias. I just forget the name but I'm sure someone else knows. For instance, if you are super afraid of spiders (arachnophobia), you can work through some of this fear perhaps by having a non-poisonous spider in a jar across the room. It's safe so you can work with your fear safely. Then you can move closer and closer to the jar as you become more comfortable. This is basically the same thing I would do when I would see a pic or quote that triggered me. I'd look at it repeatedly but do mindfulness exercises in between until I felt more comfortable and accepting of this uncomfortable reality.

and LettingGo14, i love the term "lean into the spear"! using that one 

p.s. i stopped checking on my ex in any form over a year ago, but wanted to discuss for others closer to their breakups who are dealing with this.

[sirensong65]

Well, I have to say that I instantly blocked him on FB and changed my settings so that he CANNOT nor can a friend check on me for him.  TRUST me when I say I am the type that is curious like a cat, and it comes back to bite me so this is VERY out of character for me.  But I knew I had to go NO CONTACT all the way, and I mean NONE, no looking at any social media, threw out cards and mementos, deleted all photos, everything.  I felt my life was at stake.  This relationship took me over like no other.  I have always been a rational, sane individual and I became someone I am not proud of or recognize.  It was self preservation time.

At first it was hard, but I look at it this way.  Stalking them KNOWING what we know about them and their pattern, we are almost 100% certain we are going to find what we REALLY do not want to see.  So, why touch the stove when it has freaking flames flying off the top of it?

I am like that damn set of monkeys, I don't want to hear of him, see him or speak of him... .   Moving on.

[Turkish]

I blocked mine 3 months before she left my house. Whatever pics she takes of the kids, I don't care. I got sick of seeing her not so subtle devaluations of me. I'm still friends with many of her family, whom I don't have a problem with. I know she sometimes uses one f their ccounts to check, like when I take the kids out of town for the weekend. I don't have anything to hide, and take pride that I'm not mourning her publicly, not giving her validation.

As for hers? She came out with the boy toy pretty quick, which some who didn't even know this was the guy she was cheating on me with thought was crass. A really new guy, I wouldn't care as much. This guy? No. BLOCK.

[pinkparchment]

Sirensong, I like that... . curious like a cat. And also a once sane individual made desperate and needy. You are verra wise, master.   It was actually easier for me to stop "checking" on my ex after I saw the thing I'd dreaded most--that she had in fact immediately replaced me. It hurt, killed me even, but at least I knew.