I need to straighten my head

[mapys]

Hello everyone!

I need an advice in the following situation.

So I ended my "give us another chance" tour. Initially I planned doing it in person but I chickened-out. A huge wave of unpleasant feelings overwhelmed me when I imagined this get-together goodbye.

So instead I sent an e-mail. Formal, yet sweet - I told that I have thought about it long and hard and that it would be better if we went our separate ways. I wished her all the best, to find a person who would be kind and would understand her. I thanked her for the lovely moments we had together. I also expressed a wish to be left alone and promised to to disturb her as well. No hard feelings.

Obviously, soon after she called me for couple of times. I just pressed mute and didn't answer it.  Does it makes me a coward? Should I bother? The thing is - she wrote me an email - very short this time. She thanks me for the sweet words, wishes me the best and acknowledges my decision (also apologizes). Nevertheless she insists that she would benefit from the closure in person - a phone conversation or physical meeting. She is ready to meet me soon. And this is where I loose it - what should I do? I know that it is hard for me to resist a physical touch and the sweet talk. I want to reject this request.

What have you done in such situation? What should be done?

Thanks!

[Want2know]

You expressed a boundary to her in which you said you wanted to be left alone.  She is pushing the boundary.  If you do not feel comfortable meeting her in person, you can just reiterate what you said, with compassion.  No long explanation, just that you feel it is best to move on from here and you wish her well.  Don't leave it with an open ended statement.  She may still respond, however, if you leave it as a 'closed' statement, you may not have to respond again to her, unless you feel there is a need.

[Sunny Side]

Mapys, you are doing the work, man.  Congrats and my support goes out to you.  My two cents:

Does it makes me a coward?

No.  I'm sorry you feel that way (validating   ) but you're just a person trying to sever a charged emotional bond.  It takes time.

What have you done in such situation? 

Probably the same thing you did.  Think about all the sweet times we had.  The connections.  The intimacies.  The pledges.  Promises.  Laughs.

And then I would think of all the dysregulated times.  How uneasy I felt half the time.  The lack of trust.  The exhaustion from trying to manage her behavior for both of us.  The ugliness it was awakening in me.  The lies and distortions.  Again, the lies and distortions.  And the abuse that she didn't recognize or feel was abuse such as calling me or asking to meet when I requested her not to do so.

And then I would of talked to my T, or posted here to ask for help and support from people who've been through it and survived to tell.  And then I would remember that 'closure' is for me, not her.  It doesn't require a mirror, nor am I seeking her reflection.  And that I'm not asking her opinion, or trying to manage her reaction, or her future without me.  And that I'm deciding to end the r/s because I need to protect and heal.

[mapys]

Thanks, but I didn't understand what was meant by reiterate?

I wrote a more sincere letter, gosh - now it really feels heavy. I don't understand how can we feel in such a way - you love someone but you can't be together... . Sad

[heartandwhole]

Hi mapys,

This is really tough, and I commend you for being strong     You know that you don't want to meet in person, but even though you said that in your email, your ex wants to meet.  She is pushing your boundary.

So now, the best thing to do is repeat what you said in your email, kindly.  For example,  "I understand that you would like to meet and talk about this. I'm not able to do that, so please accept this email as closure.  I wish you well, etc... . "  Don't leave the door open, just say that you won't meet her, in a way that feels kind to you.

There is nothing cowardly about taking care of yourself, mapys. Hang in there, you can do this. 

[mapys]

Thank you so much!

Yes, I wrote another letter explaining that it would be great if she respected my boundaries. I said farewell and apologized that it happened in such manner.

In return I received a lengthy letter explaining how good I am, that she has gained so much and hopes I have gained something as well. She explains that she can't exclude me from her memory and that I always will be within her heart. She tries to play on my strings by saying that this is my choice but probably not the choice of LOVE. She offers any support that I need in any circumstances - basically she won't reject me. She gives me an advice not to kill the child within me that was so attractive and ends the letter with lengthy expression how much she loves me. 

After this email it got really hard for me - tears are running - I just can't understand why there is no cure for this s**t - why can't we reprogram human brains to relieve these BPD sufferers? It is just ain't right. I feel like I have ruined my opportunity (two lives). Thoughts of "if I would have waited a little longer, she would have seen that there is nothing to fear etc." start to emerge... . At this point I am not sure if I will be able to withstand this pressure of NC... And a week of reading various stuff about BPD and narcs on various resources hadn't helped a bit - still I have an urge to paint her white and fluffy... . Maybe that is the way how should I remember her?