what happened when you'd finally had enough and stood up to them

[keith99]

I’m interested in hearing about when you’d finally had enough and decided enough is enough and what happened next.  I’d had twelve years of being controlled, raged at so finally despite not really wanting to leave as I had a child with her I gave her an ultimatum.  I was deadly serious and all I really wanted was for her to ask me what needs to change.

Of course that’s not what happened.  What happened is she went crazy, and I mean crazy.  She started saying I was gay, I was a pedophile who had a 25-year-old girlfriend called Sarah which was bathit crazy then she got divorce papers.  Marched me around her ex husbands with my son in tow, got me to sign them under duress, told the whole world she had met another guy and they were going to get married, then preceded to throw all my stuff out in front of me.

I was pretty much numb from that, I guess I was expecting something different.  So I flew back to the UK from New Zealand, for family support and been here ever since.  What’s even more crazy is two months after I left she contacted me and for two years has been trying to get me to come back.  I’ve had every trick under the book including she has cancer, which turned out to be a complete lie.  She bought me a ticket to go, and I was so desperate to see my son i nearly went back to the relationship.  the only reason I stayed with her was for his sake.

I have tried to stay in contact with my son, but now because I wont play ball and go back to her she has cut me off completely.  So now after being pushed around by her for twelve years I’ve decided to stop being afraid of her and move back to New Zealand and try and get some kind of visitation rights.  The really sad thing is, my son started behaving just like her.

[AwakenedOne]

I stood up and said enough is enough in a civil way with the hope that things could change with two people who supposedly really love and care about each other. Those two people could listen to each other, work together, love and have a great marriage.

The result was I was called a f'er and abandoned. When one is selfish and lacks empathy this is the result.

[keith99]

I kept a cool head and was very nice about it as we had a child together and I didn't want to break up for his sake, but her treatment of me which I would describe as having a large pole that was driving me out the door, it was almost as if she was purposely trying to drive me out.

What  i don't get is how after putting me through all the drama, having the nerve to try and get me back.  She's been trying for 2 years and I was tempted but only because I love my son.  I think of her as evil because to be honest that;s what she is.

[AwakenedOne]

She'd say that I deserve someone better than her from time to time. I always found that such a lazy comment from her. Instead of saying that put some effort into the relationship... . I can relate... . seemed like she wanted it over.

Hope things work out and you get to see your son soon. Must be so hard dealing with your situation. I wish you the best man.

[keith99]

Its been a horrible nightmare dealing with her.  Its her way or the highway.  i have tried to come to an agreement about my son but she told me where to go and wont answer the phone or let me talk to him.  Instead I have been told she will find him a new daddy.

Shes paranoid as she had a daughter from a previous marriege and surprise surprise the daughter left to live with her dad at age 10 and sees her maybe once a year and she lives five minutes away.

So she went crazy when I confronted her on her behaviour, divorced me, then two months later spent 2 years trying to get me back now she sees it aint going happen and then its fck off you want see your son again.  Are these people for real.  I feel as if I have been in a washing machine thrown around, and half drowned.

[bossanover]

I stood up for myself and she absolutely flipped out. Broke up with me right then, hung up on me and sent a text saying she was going to kill herself...

And it only got worse after that!

[keith99]

I thought leaving her and fleeing the country would make things better but they didnt.  I can only imagine the nightmare if I had simply moved out.  She would have been calling me at work, turning up at my doorstep.  She has sucked all the life out of me.  The only positive thing is I have a new relationship that is healthy and normal. 

i grieve for my son every day and feel so guilty that I left him but I keep telling myself what could I have done.  I just couldn't handle her abuse anymore.  she was a complete nutcase.  She was also a high flying career woman who earned a fortune and always presented a good front outside of the home.

Im going back to fight for my rights to access my son.  Im done with being a victim.

[keith99]

and another thing, her closing statement was I left her for another woman and had sex countless times and abandoned her and my son, thats why we divorced, when in reality, she divorced me the moment I stood up for myself.

Other things she said about the break up and what caused it.

My parents broke us up- complete crap.

Her ex husband told her to divorce me, crap

I was in a gay relationship, crap

other people told her to divorce me. crap

i would like to now about the crazy making and why they do it, can't they help it and how is it they seem to be experts in saying the most cruel things imaginable.

[heartandwhole]

Im going back to fight for my rights to access my son.  Im done with being a victim.

Good for you keith99, do it.  Your son needs a stable presence and loving parents, you can be that stability for him.  Do you know much about custody laws in NZ?  I'd get as much info. as you can, because it sounds like your ex won't give in without a fight.

What are your feelings about going back to NZ?

Keep posting, we're rooting for your healing and recovery. 

[Calm Waters]

mine tried and nearly succeeded in killing herself

[keith99]

I just really wish she could be amicable about this but thats a word that doesnt exist in her world.  She is just being spiteful and vindictive.  She wanted me back in the relationship and because I wouldnt play ball she cut all contact so I am unable to speak to my son.

Even when I go back she will play as difficult as possible.  All I want is to see him a couple of times a month. i'd like full custody but I have to be realistic.  In the eyes of the law I am the father that abandoned him.  i wish I had kept evidence.  In the early days I recorded her outbursts because I thought I was going mad and it was somehow my fault.  she found my hiding place and threw the recorded tapes out.

I guess when I go back I better find a lawyer.

[blissful_camper]

When I stood up for myself and enforced my boundaries he raged.  He felt he was losing control and he swung back and forth between mild idealization and devaluation.  His behavior just got uglier and uglier until the mask was completely off.  I did the best that I could to remain calm, packed up the house I was living in, hired people to help me move, and literally ran back to my home state while he was out of town. What angered him the most about that was not that I left him, or that the relationship was over, it was that I didn't allow him to help me move.  Warped. 

[arn131arn]

She called the cops... .

[DiamondSW]

She hated me, painted me black... . and probably phoned up her mother for ££££   

[Surrender]

I stood up for myself and she absolutely flipped out. Broke up with me right then, hung up on me and sent a text saying she was going to kill herself...

And it only got worse after that!

He left to go back home and completely fell apart with each passing week until finally he raged and broke up with me because he couldn't handle waiting any longer even though it was only a matter of weeks. I know it's a blessing in disguise but it's so painful and I feel utterly robbed. It's been 2 weeks and he has flipped the switch into iceland... . but I know it will only be a matter of time before he calls I think. I can't handle it anymore and know the strange power he has over me which no one understands. Everyone I know, my family and friends hate him and can't understand how I can love him or even see a single redeeming quality in him.

Meanwhile I am utterly devastated but feel at the same token like I dodged the biggest bullet of my life. Still I feel empty and lost without him and I can't explain a single damn thing because I know better!

[nownotsure]

I’m interested in hearing about when you’d finally had enough and decided enough is enough and what happened next. 

... . "BPD move on as quick as traffic lights change colors."

I saw that in a post in the archives and I had to chuckle, and sadly there's some truth to it. It's a bit scary how they seemingly pack up that quickly and move on to the next person once you start enforcing boundaries.

My story is nothing more than the run-of-the mill of what you would find on here. No real crazy stuff; though thankfully I saw the emotionally vapid and abusive side of her before we could get married. By the time I had had enough, she had my replacement lined up. Fairly common theme on this board.

Sorry to hear about your son's predicament. I hope you're successful in obtaining custody. Unfortunately you're between a rock and a hard place when it comes to dealing with someone with this disorder. If it's of any consolation, their difficultness is "legendary" within the medical community.

[keith99]

The problem I have now is I can’t move back there until at least September, as I need to acquire funds.  I can’t call her to speak to my son because the moment I do she will just say F.CK OFF and slam the phone down and even when I do eventually get back I cant just turn up at her door and ask to see him.  It will just be conflict.  The other thing is her ex husband is a lawyer now they had huge issues between them, he took their daughter of her despite her having custody.  I personally think even though I had a good relationship with him, he will back her if I try and get any visitation rights.

[Surrender]

The problem I have now is I can’t move back there until at least September, as I need to acquire funds.  I can’t call her to speak to my son because the moment I do she will just say F.CK OFF and slam the phone down and even when I do eventually get back I cant just turn up at her door and ask to see him.  It will just be conflict.  The other thing is her ex husband is a lawyer now they had huge issues between them, he took their daughter of her despite her having custody.  I personally think even though I had a good relationship with him, he will back her if I try and get any visitation rights.

Keith you are in a terrible disposition and I'm not sure if there is a 'best' way of dealing with it unless you have a witness with you and that is all that comes to mind. If you try and have any communication with her to see your child perhaps it is an idea to have a witness with you who will be able to be a type of mediator just on account of being a witness. Perhaps she will be less inclined to go BPD crazy on you allowing you to see your child?

[Aussie0zborn]

You will need a lawyer so best to find one now and get some advice before you go there. This way you can be prepared and have everything in hand, including a strategy. Her ex-husband will more than likely keep right out of it.

[Madison66]

I tried to enforce some boundaries back in October after I just couldn't take the abuse and projecting any longer. She then got out of control on several occassions and things turned physical. In the end, I confronted her about the emotional blacmail and she raged. Tried to get her to leave my home, but she again turned physical and then damaged my property as she left. I cut the cord at that point. It may turn out to be the single best decision of my life.