Why do I do this?

[shatteredheart]

Hi

It has been 6 weeks since my uBPDxbf flipped the switch and became the total opposite of what I knew. He has been so hateful, cold and mean since that day. I have been shocked at the level of cruelty and lack of any emotion except anger from him. We have had no contact for almost 2 weeks now, and even then he was cold, short and mean.

After all this... . I still miss him constantly. I cry... I feel physical pain. I go back and forth between anger and sadness. Even though I know I didn't do anything to cause this, and I can't change it, or his feelings... . why do I still wonder if he ever thinks of me? If he ever misses me? I don't want to be with anyone else... . yet I know he has been shacking up. It hurts me beyond words to describe.

My question is HOW can I stop caring, crying, and wanting to hear from him? I have read many of the lessons and links on here and they are helpful... . but I still find myself not being able to let go of the love I have for him. I am in therapy and working on me... . I just wonder how some of you deal with the sadness or the pain? I can't seem to stop hurting. 

Another thing is although there is no contact, I find myself resisting the idea that he will never call me again. I have tried the best I could to reasonably talk to him and let him know I care. He has been nothing but an ass to me yet I keep thinking it is an act to hide behind... .

WTH is wrong with me?

[Surnia]

Hi shatteredheart

A big 

Dealing with anger and sadness back and forth is hard work, and kind of normal. Missing him too.

The question "why" is sometimes a difficult one. Do you have something in your life giving you a break emotionally, so that you can forget for moments... . like walking a dog or exercising or sudokus?

[Narellan]

I really feel your pain. Same issues for me. I have spent 2 and a half weeks doing my head in about why this splitting has happened again. Spent days in bed mostly just sad and unmotivated. Waiting for him to break the silent treatment we have been giving each other.

Then last night out of the blue he posts 3 photos of us together kissing on facebook, with comments about " rare moment of calm" in his life. And suddenly i was jubilant almost excstatic. But i didnt respond in any way, and today have avoided fb. Another photo posted this morn, my friend tells me, and im suddenly thinking yes i was right all along, he has been hurting too, hiding behind an ass facade. The thing is now that i know he is hurting too, and obviously missing me, the need for contacting him is not so all consuming. I feel so much more in control. Maybe its the rejection that made me feel so sad, not so much the loss of him.

For the first time in weeks, i feel like if he calls i can maybe ignore it. Theres a sense of calm in knowing he wants me back. Which maybe not entirely true, he just posted photos, but the anger and sadness have gone, replaced just be exhaustion.

Baby steps is all i can say to you. If you need to spend days in bed do it. Or motivate yourself with one little thing at a time. Just remember it though, the pain when he does eventually come back. And they always do.

[fuzz]

Similar issues for me. I fluctuate between angry,sad and accepting.  My BPDex has someone else now (quite quickly and quite recently) but he was trying to be friendly in the end, as though he meant nothing to me , let alone what i meant to him, but still all askew. I have gone nc but do not want him back now but still I find myself hoping to hear from him again , I turned from the only person he wanted, the best,  to being just nothing of any significance overnight.   Ok, apart from saying my help was 'immeasurable' when I questioned how he could replace me, after everything.  i found that hard to take- and was really all he had to say ( after almost 3 years  together), it felt an empty unfeeling 'statement'.  Canned speech.

I guess I need my part in his life to be validated , that phrase doesn't cut it. 

Reading and learning helps though but doesn't take away the pain, yet anyway.

Narellan, I can understand how you feel, it must be a huge step forward for you.

    Happy for you.

It is not us it is them.

Sorry if I appear to be hijacking the thread

[barbwire911]

Yep I am with you all too. I had just asked we take some space as he was in a blaming rage at me and he alternated for a few days between making me black then white again. 

It is bizarre how fast you can be the most amazing thing to these pwBPD and then within minutes they can split you black.  I also go from sadness to anger to hurting... .etc. It has been 5 weeks no and he went from saying he loved me and wanted to have lunch with me to the next day when i heard about a possible replacement and queried him on it, raging one line to me "I am ceasing all communication and you never meant anything to me and we were nothing." Hang up.

Since then I sent two nice emails explaining I had asked for space and if that meant he found someone new then fine but just be honest with me as we are adults and after all I did for him with helping him move and being there for him in a tough time and all his suicide threats (not attempts) honesty was the least I deserved.  So nothing in a reply. So then I sent one saying he had hurt me alot and I guess i should believe I deserved better as he said and that I would just move on, despite no closure and to stay away from me and not come back as he has in past. Still nothing.

Then I was NC for 9 or 10 days and got weak and called him 2 days ago calmly requesting him just to make some time to listen to my feelings and I was not mad but just as I had been there for him, I just wanted him to listen to me too for one time.  I stated his needs were important but so were mine and I never asked for much when we were together at all except honesty (which i never got).  he was agitated and stated he would rather not but let him think about it and that he was hanging up and have a good weekend (in a snarky voice.)

I have emailed him after that just a short note explaining the concept of closure and when a relationship ends, 2 people sit down and communicate. Not blaming or anger as we are not trying to save the relationship anymore but I stated I would like to recall us in a good way and not leaving it like this.

Still nothing so I guess I just go on and find closure on my own. But it is hard as overnight you go from being the most meaningful thing to these pwBPD to note evening seeming to exist. It is such extremes. No middle ground I feel.

[shatteredheart]

    Narellan, I can see how it relieved some of your anxiety... . just to know that u are on their mind and that u mean something to them... . That's kinds where I find myself lately. Wondering IF... .

   barbwire911, Fuzz... . I to am still in shock at how I went from "what he had always wanted his whole life" to  seemingly the least important person on EARTH in less than a day! I cry when I don't even know I'm gonna cry just by seeing something that reminds me of him or our time together. =( I miss our friendship, I miss hugging him... .   I can't even go there right now it's to painful. We live in a small town and I can't help but pass by his house on my way to town... . when i see the replacement's car I get angry and also sad. When I see his car there I get sad. There is NO talking to him... . No stopping by, no calling ,no Fb, no emailing, no anything.He is mean and nasty to me now. For him it seems to be the easiest thing in the world but I hurt every single day. I want to stop hurting. I want to give up on  the love i have for him... . but idk how. =( I feel like there is something wrong with me , because I love a person that has been so CRUEL to me and BETRAYED me for no reason. I feel like I must be nuts to hope that he will call me or reach out somehow saying he still loves me and misses me. The last time  we talked I asked him if he loved me... . He said "I do but it doesn't make any difference." What the heck does that mean ? I don't understand that. 

[barbwire911]

I understand Shattered.

But in reality you do not want to go back. You are just in the FOG right now. You are in love with an illusion. That person will never be back as they never existed sadly. It was just an act to reel you in as he NEEDED you... . that is the key. They are like a child. They get a toy and think it is the best thing for a while... . then they need a new stimulus (aka the replacement) to excite them. Not to worry... . soon the replacement will be where you and I are and on this board.  Mine did come back after 2 months of silent treatment saying he was in therapy and realized he was an angry person and was trying to change and if he had a chance with me again would be different. I was elated. That was Nov. 13, 2013.  I took him back and even proceeded with caution... . he even separated from his wife and moved out of his house 2 months later (January 2014) claiming he loved me so much and wanted to be with me.

I saw small cracks again but nothing huge so really thought he was trying to change. End of January he suddenly ends things with me as he felt engulfed (another trait of pwBPD is they push/pull and alternate between needing you and pushing you away when you get close).  He still wanted me at that time but told me he wanted to slow down. I was sad but fine.  So I went to Florida for 3 weeks for vacay and he had freak out attacks where he randomly called me raging about crazy things that made no sense. He admitted he was jealous of my ex and thought I was cheating on him with my ex, etc. It was insane.

So I get home from Florida and he is all nice again.  For 5 days... . then we have an argument as our boss just asked him if he was ok to be at work given the emotional toll he was going through with his divorce, etc.  Well somehow my exwBPD took this as that he was in trouble (even though it was nothing like that) and that I had orchestrated for him to get into trouble and get pulled in the office. We had a blow out and I ask for some space. So we exchange items and break up and 5 days later he is on the phone with me telling me he loved me and asks me to lunch. I tell him no as I knew I had to get away from this up and down although i still cared about him.  he was so sad and the next day at work saw me and was telling me he was going to miss me and why did it have to be like this, etc.  Then I hear from a friend he has moved on... . not more than 12 hours later!  So I call him just to ask him about it and he answers normally saying HI.  I then calmly ask him about this saying my dealbreaker was cheating and he knew that and why would he ask me to lunch and tell me he loved me if he knew he was going off with someone else. Suddenly the rage and defensiveness returned and he yelled "I am ceasing communication with you and you were never anything to me and we were nothing." And hang up.

I sent two nice emails just saying I deserved to know why i was lied to and that I was hurt but I did ask for space so fine, if he met someone then he should have told me instead of just still chasing me and asking me to lunch, etc. No response. So 3 days later I sent him a firm email to stay away and never to return as he did in the past as I will not believe the "i am changing story" again. No response.  So 9-10 days NC and I call him 2 days ago saying I would just like to meet him for closure as I understand his needs are important but so are mine and given all I did for him, it is a small request. I said I was always there for you so I am just asking for one time to just listen; I even told him he did not need to say anything. Needless to say he said "I would rather not but I will think about it and have a good weekend and I am hanging up now." He was agitated.

Point is these pwBPD are all talk as they cannot do any action. If yours comes back and you go back it will be worse than the first time he left. Trust me.  Stay course and keep posting here and in the long term you will be better. I miss my guy too but really the times I spent crying and engaged in the ups and downs and walking on eggshells never knowing how he was going to be was not normal. The man I inititally fell in love with did not exist and was fabricated by the man who is a nightmare.  if they showed you who they really were right off the bat you would run and they could not lure you in. But they act nice to get you but they cannot sustain the act for long.

[Want2know]

You are in love with an illusion.

This has some truth to it, Shattered Heart.  Taking inventory of why you bought into the illusion is something you will need to come to terms with, at some point.  My interpretation is they presented themselves pretty openly who they are soon enough in many of our relationships - we chose to ignore the red flags and compromise what we know was not healthy.

Right now, when you are feeling such pain and it's hard to let that go, it's important to try to allow the feelings you have and balance them out with the reality of what you are starting to realize about BPD, about your own vulnerability and needs, and finally about the fact that it was an illusion, and you deserve a happy reality.  This is the first step to detaching and creating a better life for yourself.  You can't skip this step.  Just don't be here too long. 

Big hugs to you!