How to handle the smear campaign?

[chillamom]

Hi, folks,

Thanks to everyone on this board for all I am learning.  You people, whom I have never met and probably never will meet, are my literal lifeline to sanity at times.  Well, this is one of those times.  Against all the good advice I have received, I went ahead and broke LC and met up with exBPDbf today so "he could get some things".  Well, after those things were obtained, and after he spent hours telling me how much he loved me and wanted to be back with me, all of the accusations and crazy delusions about my "cheating" came out.  He claims I am on adult "friend finder"sites all the time - even showed me a picture of "myself" to prove it.  (I admit there was a resemblance, but JEEZ!  Now I know I really need to lose weight, !).  seriously, he informed me that he has followed me to hotels where I have allegedly met my many lovers, accused me of "using" him for sex(yup, for 5 whole years!) etc., etc.  Long story short….apparently HE HAS TOLD MANY PEOPLE AT THE UNIVERSITY WHERE I AM A WELL RESPECTED PROFESSOR. He even showed a colleague of mine at the college counseling center some emails he had that were "incriminating" (NOT) and she supposedly agreed with him that they were in fact incriminating.

THis is all completely crazy and part of the psychotic delusional behavior he has exhibited on occasion…tonight being one of the occasions.  Should I attempt to talk to my colleagues and clear my name, or should I assume that THEY will consider the source of the rumors, realize that said source has just been released from a mental hospital, and realize that I am still the person they always knew me to be.  Guess I can welcome myself to the group of none who have been painted black for sure!  Should I let this "blow over"?  Needless to say, GOING COMPLETE NC TOMORROW AND THAT WILL NEVER CHANGE.

[arn131arn]

Do nothing

[chillamom]

Thanks, arn, that's pretty much what I plan on doing.  That and never being naive enough again to think that he and I could salvage any aspect of the "friendship" he so desperately wanted…another day to live and learn.  Doing nothing sounds pretty good.

[arn131arn]

I got that advice from my AA sponsor and a few people around these boards.

She was filing false Restraining Orders on my family and I... . fear set in, I was scared I would never see my son again. Don't get me wrong, I retained an attorney, and I provided him proof that these allegations were false, but I let it go, stopped fighting back, and by the time we went in front of the judge, I had given her enough rope, she hung herself.

These things have a way of working themselves out.

I think if somebody tells you they really like how you do something 3 or 4 times then there full of s**t! It's kinda like that, he's going to go around spewing venom, and after all is said and done, he's going to look like he's full of s**t!

All the while, you have dignity, respect, and courage to walk through it with grace... .

They will know.

[Mutt]

Hi chillamom,

I'm so sorry that you are going through this, it leaves you feeling stressed, anxious and fearful.

I'm going to agree with arn14arn. I went through a smear campaign as well. I was seeing a P at the time and mentioned the accusations and distortions that my ex was telling her family and friends. She even tried to go as far and distort my mother. My P said "that belongs to her and has nothing to do with you"

They're false accusations. You're innocent until proven otherwise. I lost all of my friends on her side, her family members and mutual friends. What was left were the friends that truly know me, those when I entered the relationship with and not one would believe the bologna she was saying about me.

If they are friends that are worth having, they are going to approach you in the matter and query your side. Unfortunately, none of our friends gave me that decency. It was a loss, but nonetheless, it's not really people that I want to align myself with.

You may want to post this over at the legal board though as this is your career. Just to be careful. My ex never went as far as trying to distort people at my workplace. She has distorted to professionals such as doctors.  Your colleagues are aware that there is a history of mental illness? If they already know, I would say nothing and don't get yourself worked up. Be calm, let your ex give himself rope and he'll hang himself.

He's doing this because he has lost an attachment and it's a part of the disorder.

This is difficult and scary to go through, but try to live in the now and not worry about his actions or the ramifications of his behaviors, be calm, hold your head high and remember that the truth has a way of working itself out.

[growing_wings]

hi Chillamom

sorry to hear about your smear campaign.

Like others have said, let it run its course, it will die as long as you dont fuel the fire. It is extremely frustrating to be in the middle of such enormous lies that try to hurt you and destroy your reputation... . it is not easy... . but think, if you try to tell the truth to all, then you will end up in a cycle where you engage and might end up losing... .

now, i did mostly Nothing, BUT i chose to do something when i thought it was needed. I talked and worked this through with my therapist. I selected 2 - 3 people that were key to me: My boss was one of them, one other person i knew she would approach and would affect a side project i am running & a good fried of mine. I approached those 3 and i told them everything. They appreciated me being very honest, and i protected myself, i did not want her to destroy my reputation.

for the rest of the people, i didnt care... i let it go and run its course. It died pretty quick... .

stay strong, pick your fights (as in the most critical ones) and let it run... it WILL die out...

[falconfree28]

I'm backing up everything that everyone has said, don't react.

That's not a nice place to be and with the actions they've taken I bet it's hard to "not to react"

Mine started with a simple blocking on facebook, then the smears started mainly to her close friends, then other guys in a community we share, then carefully selected women who she could smear me with, but never once did I react, I explained my side of the story involuntarily and told it honestly. You certainly learn who your friends are at this point and thankfully many have not taken sides.

It can die down but it could flare back up again, I went to one of the events and she was there, I decided to avoid and ignore her and all the smearing started back up again (maintaining successful NC since the possessions handover just a few days after breakup) - when I was told it all I could was smile and laugh it off (I am taking counselling once a week do deal with my own issues which had helped me considerably)

My friend likened to letting the air out of baloon and it eventually land on the floor and you can pick it up and toss it away.

A couple of guy friends have been turned her way but she has them round her finger, but I feel more sorry for them and her that it has to be this way but after reading so much information, there's not much more you can do - it's all down to fact they don't want to be exposed.

If you react it will only fuel the fire and which will burn "you" not them.

[Aussie0zborn]

I concur with everything above. I am still in the middle of a smear campaign and it doesn't worry me because I can't do anything to change it and those that are naive enough to believe it deserve to.

I think people will soon work it out so just give him more rope. My only concern is your professional reputation. Can you casually mention that he has recently been released from a mental health facility when the opportunity arises, without appearing to be vindictive?

[chillamom]

Thanks Mutt, Growingwings, falcon free 28 and Aussie….I concur with your good advice and am basically going to let things take care of themselves.  Interestingly enough, the individuals whom my ex has contacted at my institution are all (so far) individuals who are familiar with his recent hospitalization, so I would think that is enough for them to discount his rants.  More than anything, I feel so tremendously sorry for him that he is prey to thoughts that have no grounding in reality.  He has been diagnosed in the past as schizoaffective (as well as everything else in the DSM) so the delusions are no surprise.  I wish him well (and I am blocking his number because I wish myself well also).  Thank you everyone for your thoughts.  I just wish this would all disappear, hell, I wish the last 5 + years would just disappear from my memory….and would it be completely insane on my part to say I will still miss him?  What kind of alchemy do these folks have at their disposal?

[Tolou]

IF POSSIBLE... . IGNORE IGNORE IGNORE... .

THAT WILL EVENTUALLY MAKE THEM GO AWAY, WHEN THEY SEE THAT THEY CAN'T LURE YOU INTO THE MADNESS... .

[bossanover]

I wouldn't worry about "clearing your name", as their lies usually come undone... but depending one what your ex is actually doing with the smear campaign might determine measures you take to minimise any damage.

My smear campaign involved outlandish pregnancy stories and allegations of sexual abuse and me breaking into her house... . This, coupled with stalking, (at work and school) meant that I just had to make sure my work colleagues, friends, family, lecturers and even security on campus were aware that I was basically being hounded by a psycho, and might need some help if she tries to pull anything particularly crazy.

It might also depend on how good your ex is at lying. For mine, it was her only real skill. She was an expert, and actually managed to convince a couple of my friends that she was the victim in our situation. Of course, when they approached me to talk about it they quickly realised they'd been had.

and btw

….and would it be completely insane on my part to say I will still miss him?

No. Not at all...

Hang in there.

[necchi]

Yep, same here, don't react, stay away from the crazy making .its hard not to do so but believe it, it will save your sanity.

the accusations are projections of is own actions, its is little ___ed up world.

Sad but must not let it get to you.

[bpdspell]

I was smeared viciously by my ex and I was devastated. Didn't know that a human being could stoop that low to destroy another person. For me it was a lesson learned in trust. My borderline was the "revenge porn" type who loved to humiliate his ex's. Thank God I never taped anything with him. Borderline minds are very troubled. They are mentally & emotionally unstable on the next level and many are petty & vindictive like petulant children.

Your best offense is zero reaction. The reaction is what they want. It feeds their stunted child ego. In their minds it's all about winning at any cost. Winning means making you look bad so their victim spotlight can shine a little brighter.

You've gotten good advice on here and you will survive this. Keep being the professional you are and don't allow antics to break you. You're stronger than any lying words that can come out of his mouth. The lies won't stick in the long run and the people who matter won't fall for the BS.

Spell

[pinkparchment]

One quote I try to remember is "Live in such a way that if someone were to speak badly of you, no one would believe it." Continue to hold your head high, show kindness and respect to everyone you meet, and people will realize that your ex's story is not adding up. In fact, some years ago I had an ex who smeared me all our over apartment complex, and after he moved, people told me all the things he had said about me and how they just couldn't believe them. It seemed like every day someone would bring some rumor up and say, "Can I just ask you about something I heard?" One friend wrote me a personal letter apologizing for grossly misjudging me.  If I had fought back, I doubt it would have ended up that way.

These people know and respect you. You are a professional! Just keep living your values and over time, it will become clear that those lies were born of hurt and jealousy. If someone confronts you or accuses you, just remain calm and shrug it off with a simple but assured denial: "100% false."

[2010]

HE HAS TOLD MANY PEOPLE AT THE UNIVERSITY WHERE I AM A WELL RESPECTED PROFESSOR. He even showed a colleague of mine at the college counseling center some emails he had that were "incriminating" (NOT) and she supposedly agreed with him that they were in fact incriminating.

Let's start with boundaries or in this case, the lack of them. I'm going to be a little bit harsh on you because you're a well respected professor of psychology. I apologize in advance but this needs to be said.

He somehow has access to "many people" including your colleagues at a college counseling center. Is it a recent thing? Did you introduce him to your colleagues for a good reason? or does this mean he is a student and therefore, shares your colleagues and has every right to converse with them?

Interestingly enough, the individuals whom my ex has contacted at my institution are all (so far) individuals who are familiar with his recent hospitalization, so I would think that is enough for them to discount his rants.

Somewhere along the line these "many people" in your work arena are familiar with his hospitalization. Whether he is technically a student or not, your history with this person seems to involve open discourse with your colleagues. Is that wise? There has to be some reason that he is at your institution talking to "many people." It could be to clear his own name and make you out to be the cause of his problems because he's asking for help from other sources. In effect making this a "he said, she said."

Were there ever boundaries in place and if so, where did they go?

You've stated that there is a large age gap between you. Regardless of whether or not he is enrolled in your classes, your relationship with this man is as a "teacher." Now the issue of non-existent boundaries may be due to accessibility, approachability, NEED. But, that all has to change.

He has been diagnosed in the past as schizoaffective (as well as everything else in the DSM) so the delusions are no surprise.

He has been diagnosed "everything else in the DSM" - that's interesting but not very professional, wouldn't you agree? You said in an earlier post that he had two therapists. It seems that you are considering yourself the third. Being a professor of psychology, would you agree that your relationship might support your ideas of who you think you are? Perhaps fit a teacher-parent-child dynamic? You see, there is a mutual attraction here that must be discussed if you are going to understand your attraction and consider self realization. That's the way to heal.

Do you have a trusted advisor to talk to that is not a "colleague?" This might be a good time to find one. Just open the phonebook and start with one then move on to the next if they aren't a good fit.

Discuss the Problem like this: Both parties are wounded. One is searching for a self, the other is projectively identifying with that lack of self and et' voila, "Tell me who I am" versus "I'll show you who you are" always results in chaos. That's a very potent pull for both parties to defend against, especially when one party needs the other to blame for their predicament.

Of course the clinging behaviors from the child-like fears of abandonment MUST lash out at your withdrawal which create more of the need for you to withdraw. You should withdraw- permanently- but it seems you cannot because the pull concerning your persona keeps you fighting to correct the defectiveness you feel about not solving this mystery- one that you professionally teach about in a classroom.

The definition of insanity is doing the same thing over and over again and expecting a different result. Unless you put some boundaries in place and understand that he doesn't have the problem here that needs your attention; *you do*- nothing will change, another 5 years will go by and you will be ruined. Chasing down your colleagues in the middle of this and mopping up the mess is a full time job that only keeps you in the middle of things; hyper vigilant and anxious. Self preservation is the key.

just wish this would all disappear, hell, I wish the last 5 + years would just disappear from my memory….and would it be completely insane on my part to say I will still miss him?  What kind of alchemy do these folks have at their disposal?

Alchemy? Good choice of word. This is about your own alchemy. You can split him into a bad person until the cows come home- it won't do you a lick of good until you address your own issues, especially those concerning your own failures. In particular, your *ideas of reference* about yourself that need to be confronted. What is the attraction you have for a damaged man unless it fuels your own superiority and need to feel special? You say he's been diagnosed everything in the DSM. What is the attraction? Where is the need? Follow the need. It's been 5 years. Look what happened.

This one-up one down dynamic is unhealthy and for once, you're going to need to look in the mirror at your own failings and preserve your sense of self-worth, safety and sanity.

Yes, this is a battle for sanity. One person may lose theirs. Don't let it be you. Stop what you've been doing and sit on your hands if you have to. The past 5 years has brought you to *here*

Time to look in the rear view mirror and see why and how you got here.

Find a trusted counselor that you can talk to privately. The discussion between your colleagues has to end if you are going to save your career. You need boundaries. Pull them back and put them in place.  

[growing_wings]

One quote I try to remember is "Live in such a way that if someone were to speak badly of you, no one would believe it."

pinkparchment... a long time ago I read that quote and memorized it. it has served me well in life. When the pwBPD started smearing like crazy with false accusations, 1 person in particular told me: if someone comes to me and tells me bad stuff about you, i just would not believe it... . i now live ever more rigidly by that code... . (behaving in a way that if someone was to speak bad of me, noone would believe it)...

[growing_wings]

One quote I try to remember is "Live in such a way that if someone were to speak badly of you, no one would believe it."

pinkparchment... a long time ago i read that quote and memorized it. it has served me well in life. When the pwBPD started smearing like crazy with false accusations, 1 person in particular told me: if someone comes to me and tells me bad stuff about you, i just would not believe it... . i now live ever more rigidly by that code... . (behaving in a way that if someone was to speak bad of me, noone would believe it)...

[chillamom]

Hi, all, I haven't been on this board in a week or so because frankly I have been too damn emotionally exhausted.  I want to thank everyone for their insights and sharing, even if I am not posting often I want to let you know that myself and probably many others are holding things together because of your collective wisdom.  Thank you.  Your words resonate, particularly the reply of 2010 who is really pointing to some hard truths and such that I know need to be explored.  I guess I'm just not up to poking too much at my own wounds right now expect for the hour or so in therapy each week…the rest of the time I try to distract and busy myself with my kids and my work, which isn't hard.  Like most of you who have recently left a relationship like this, thinking too much, or ruminating about it, really hurts.  Thankfully the smear campaign that was begin in earnest seems to have fizzled out a bit, I'm sure there will be a resurgence at some point in time but right now the exBPDbf is trying very hard to recycle me, and I am standing resolute…... . Much work to be done on myself….thanks again.