Replacement?

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

If they have a replacement they will not try to recycle? What if they don't have a replacement? Is it possible they stay NC and don't try to recycle you?

[giirl87]

If they have a replacement they will not try to recycle? What if they don't have a replacement? Is it possible they stay NC and don't try to recycle you?

[expos]

Every situation is different. 

In some cases, if the replacement is lined up, that is their new life blood or support system.  You aren't needed anyone.  They will enforce no contact.

If their new relationship isn't "secure" or the new person has good boundaries and they can't control them, they might recycle you or another ex when things aren't going well.

In any case, they can't be alone.  They use people for what they can get out of them.  Your replacement is no more special, worse, or better than you are.  We are all just doormats until WE choose not to be and leave.

[LettingGo14]

If they have a replacement they will not try to recycle? What if they don't have a replacement? Is it possible they stay NC and don't try to recycle you?

Hello giirl87.   I think, as Expos noted, every situation is different.  

One of the best things I have learned here is to bring focus back to myself.   When I find myself focusing on what my x might be doing, I try to change the questions I ask myself.    

I held onto hopes for a recycle, even while being terrified of it.   Then I found this community, and I decided to focus only what I can control.

-Am I committed to No Contact?  If yes, why?

-Am I afraid that someday she might contact me?  If yes, why? If yes, what is my plan to enforce my boundaries?

-What have I done to reduce likelihood of contact?  (e.g., blocked phone #, created filters for e-mail, deleted social media accounts)

-How am I taking care of myself, so that it doesn't matter to me if x replaces me, smears me, or attempts to recycle me?  

I'm sorry you are hurting.   Just wanted to give you another perspective.

[giirl87]

Thank you both for your support.  I think I am really wondering was I a replacement?  He never really talked about previous relationships except regarding the Mother of his son who absolutely hates him. Actually,  he never really owned up to me at all about anything in his life except what was presently happening.  I know he was actively looking before I broke up with him.  I found resonates to women on Craigslist and so I put a fake as on the and he was texting me telling me he wasn't looking for anyone while emailing my alter ego on the fake ad I had set up. I believe he is the type of BPD that once you are black,  you are always black.  Which is fine,  although annoying. I appreciate the support I have found on this board.  It has answered alot of my questions and I have an understanding of how unhealthy he is for me but,  you don't just stop loving someone,  I've tried.  I know I shouldn't be concerned with what he is doing but it is pretty devastating to know I really meant nothing.

[Clearmind]

Everyone is a replacement from the last.

You almost sound hopeful that he will recycle?

Giirl, your caption states "forgot who I am"! - can you explain this more? Why do you think that's the case?

[Split black]

I was a backup to her boyfriend who she said she stopped seeing and hated. She never stopped, she told me they broke up and got back together for 3 years... .   She wanted out. I helped pay for an apt. ( Im out 2800) and then she hardly ever made rent. For almost a year.

I was never number one. She told me she was only with me of course, but how many times can you forget your cell phone or its off because she forgot to charge it? How many last minute broken plans and promises.

And then I actually caught her cheating... . again... . and again... . and again.  A behavior I would never ever tolerate. Was it my age, the fact that Im so much older then she is that allowed me to be chumped and devalued... . Split black 4 times for various hideous reasons... Now this time... . its been a month of NC. Its over.

Replacement... . yes... . the replacement has been replaced.

[giirl87]

To: Clearmind,

I have forgotten how to be alone without constant drama and his companionship. Some days I do fine,  he doesn't even cross my mind but most days I ask myself,  "what did I do with my time before him? " I truely don't remember.  We had so many good times but the bad was really bad. Maybe when I broke up with him had I not been so cruel about it it would need easier to just let it go.  I just really can't believe he had maintained no contact also... . It's never happened for this long.  Don't get me wrong,  I appreciate the pieces my mind has but I miss his touch.

So,  I am slowly regaining myself.  I will never be the same person I was before him,  he definitely effected my life,  my trust,  my helpfulness, and my ability to be completely open. But,  I did learn from him also... . I learned that I had a need to be a caretaker,  that I sidelines have to much compassion and empathy and that I am worth more than what he had to our could ever offer me.

I am in control of me and although I know he will never realize it,  he is losing out on a friend,  liver and companion.

[giirl87]

Sorry for the spelling errors,  I'm trying to reply on my phone.

[Ritchie53]

Everyone is a replacement from the last.

You almost sound hopeful that he will recycle?

Giirl, your caption states "forgot who I am"! - can you explain this more? Why do you think that's the case?

I second clearmind on this.

It does seem like they 'try out' different personas with each new or recycled relationship, hence why they are spitting venom one day, discard you and the next a completely new and happy person with the subsequent soul mate. Sadly the old adage of 'wherever you go, there she is' eventually resurfaces and the next relationship is no different from the last and the one before and the one before ad nauseum.