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Before you can make things better, you have to stop making them worse... Have you considered that being critical, judgmental, or invalidating toward the other parent, no matter what she or he just did will only make matters worse? Someone has to be do something. This means finding the motivation to stop making things worse, learning how to interrupt your own negative responses, body language, facial expressions, voice tone, and learning how to inhibit your urges to do things that you later realize are contributing to the tensions.
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Author Topic: He seems so normal with my replacement..I am starting to think I was the problem  (Read 2764 times)
Supernova9star

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« on: April 04, 2014, 11:57:45 PM »

I know what you are going to say. It is just the idealization phase and it will wear off and his "true colors" will start to show.  Don't get me wrong... . I am not wishing for her to suffer like I did for 8 years.  But seriously he really seem so much more at peace and happier with her.  Like he doesn't have to hide who he truly is and not be ashamed by it.  She seems to really get him. 

I see he has posted sweet things to her on face book and they all have some underlying message for me that metaphorically is him throwing it in my face. Yes I know you think I should block his social media.  But after 8 years with someone and no closure, he moves to another state and lives with a girl he only knew for 1 month, and we have only been broken up for 8 months with NC for 6 months. I don't know how I can cut myself off from the only source of answers.  Plus it is like I am seeing the real him and learning how much of our relationship was fake.  It helps me accept but it also hurts like Hell. But I can't stop.

I am starting to believe I really was the one who made him abusive and made him unhappy.  For him to start over so fast and be so happy makes me think he was just totally miserable with me.  He keeps thanking her for being an amazing girlfriend and cooking for him.  He says she has a beautiful mind.  How can a person with BPD recognize be so thoughtful?  This is the man who dragged me across the floor and locked me in a closet.  He pulled my hair and spit in my face.  Sure... . he said romantic things to me in the beginning.  But I feel like once he realized I didn't like playing video games all day and going to music festivals in other countries and my life goal was not to drive a fast car in Germany, maybe he thought I was not good enough so he decided to punish me for that by abusing me and withdrawing his love.  But she embraces all of those things and they seem like 2 peas in a pod.  So maybe it wasn't BPD... . maybe I was the problem?

I feel like nobody will ever love me.
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blissful_camper
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« Reply #1 on: April 05, 2014, 12:29:01 AM »

I would question anyone who became seriously involved with a man who didn't take time to reflect and heal from his previous r/s, particularly an 8-year r/s.  That's a  Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) and says quite a bit about her.

The second Red flag/bad  (click to insert in post) is that she chose to live with him after only a month. 

It sounds like he is image crafting on Facebook.  She may be playing him back. 

I know that it's really hard to let go of this when you have questions and have no closure.  But it's important for your own well being to take the focus off of him, and focus on yourself. 

You know what he is, and the way that he treated you was totally unacceptable.  It's a blessing that he's gone.  Good for you for being NC.  The next step, and you'll feel so much better when you do this, is block him and her.  Do it for you.  Do it to get yourself back.  Love yourself.  Hugs. 
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Surnia
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« Reply #2 on: April 05, 2014, 12:31:56 AM »

Hi Supernovastar

I can relate with your post in some ways.

Perhaps he punished you bc you were not like him or not like he expected you should be. Some people can't stand when partners are not feeling and doing the same like them.

Thats not your fault however. Perhaps you have both a very different idea what a rs should be.


I feel like nobody will ever love me.

You have to start first with self-love. Than someone else will follow. 


I have similar thoughts about my ex and his new gf. They are together a year or perhaps more, don't know exactly. Sometimes I think, how she is doing this? Or is he sometimes to her as nasty as to me?

The only thing I can do is letting it drop.
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“Don’t shrink. Don’t puff up. Stand on your sacred ground.”  Brené Brown
AwakenedOne
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« Reply #3 on: April 05, 2014, 01:02:52 AM »

Excerpt
This is the man who dragged me across the floor and locked me in a closet.  He pulled my hair and spit in my face.

Is this love? You deserve better.

My ex, among other things... . would call me a f'er so many times and tell me how bad I am.  Is this love? I deserve better.

Excerpt
I feel like nobody will ever love me.



Take time out and do this to counter that thought. Make a list of your good qualities, everything that is nice, appealing and special about you. I'm sure you will discover many things once you ponder this. Someone is out there who will love you. Take your time and find someone healthy.
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free-n-clear
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« Reply #4 on: April 05, 2014, 02:14:43 AM »

I know what you are going to say. It is just the idealization phase and it will wear off and his "true colors" will start to show.

    The start (idealization phase) of my r/s was all sweetness and light, in stark contrast to the volatility I'd witnessed in her previous r/s (I'd known her for 7 years before we got together). I mistakenly assumed that our r/s was so different to her previous r/s because I was a different person than her ex, more patient, understanding, supportive, etc. Of course, I'd never heard of BPD at this stage, but I was in for a steep learning curve.

    After much raging - including violence - and multiple infidelities, I finally ended it. She soon moved on to her next victim and you guessed it; all is sweetness and light. The cycle continues as it always has.

  So maybe it wasn't BPD... . maybe I was the problem?

    Don't ever feel that you were the problem. Most of us nons tend to be at least a little co-dependent, and that - plus the fact that none of us is perfect - means we contributed to the problem in various ways, including being too forgiving of essentially unforgivable behaviours, thereby allowing the downward spiral to continue. But you did NOT deserve to be dragged across the floor, locked in a cupboard, spat at or have your hair pulled. That was all him, not you.

I feel like nobody will ever love me.

     This feeling will subside as you focus less on him, more on taking care of you. I might be hopelessly romantic by nature, but I still believe there's someone out there for everyone.   

 
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dansure
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« Reply #5 on: April 05, 2014, 04:50:52 AM »

He pulled my hair and spit in my face.  Sure... . he said romantic things to me in the beginning. 

Omg. You should seriously be happy that he left you for another girl. It's better to be single than being in a relationship in which you get physically abused.

And why would he become normal? Someone who is capable of that won't magically become normal. It's a matter of time until she will piss him off somehow and he will become violent.

Be glad that you get the chance to find a normal boyfriend.

I have my temper but I would NEVER pull the hair of my girlfriend or spit in her face! That's just sign that he has a very very pathetic personality.
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itsnotme567
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« Reply #6 on: April 05, 2014, 08:13:44 AM »

This makes me think of how normal I must have seemed to her ex, now I feel bad for him.
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mitchell16
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« Reply #7 on: April 05, 2014, 09:18:18 AM »

Supernova9star, I know what you are saying. I havent saw mine in her next relationship so I cant say how she will act. But I do have trouble accepting her BPD. I see her acting normal at work and in the outside world so it is very confusing or  atleast for me it is. The way I have experienced mental illenss in my life has warped me to see people with this condition as people who are so messed up that they cant function. so it hard for me to understand someone who acts so normal and holds down a job as therapist but acts like a complete crazy person behind closed doors.

But during the honeymoon phase with mine, she also post our pictures on facebook, i got around the clock romantic texts, she fawned all over me, said things like I was the man she prayed for her whole life. i was the most wonderful person. She never had a man that took such good care of her. etc... . the list goes on. BUt as time went by and i mean it was a very short time. The cracks started showing. Small cracks at first, easy to ignore or explain away. as it went longer and longer those cracks became the grand canyon.

in the beginning my ex showed me a email she sent her ex before breaking it off with him. why she showed me I dont really know. BUt the wording was the same thing she said to me. But I will applaud her one thing she was kind to him. BUt she told him she was everything she wanted in a man and teh relationship issues was the not his fault that it was her that she loved him and she was just needed time to herself and one day they will be back togther. This letter was sent to him about 6 weeks before we got involved. I should have seen a red flag but she had already layed ground work that he was abusive, to jealous, controlling, etc... and of course as we went through our many cycles I got letters the same way. and of course I wonder what is being said about me now, becasue I now doubt this man done anything wrong to her. My point is dont be fooled into thinking it you, just becasue they appear to be doing so great. Like I said when she was posting all that stuff about us on facebook, we was very early in the relationship and the huge gapping holes hadnt start shwoing up just yet. But they did and they will.
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ShakinMyHead
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« Reply #8 on: April 05, 2014, 09:28:27 AM »

Supernova, Listen, and listen good… I was the "new supply" that let my exBPD/npd exbf move in with me after a month. For different but similar reasons he needed me, my apartment, so my "whole package" represented a need, an oasis at the time. Yes, we'd just met, there was chemistry and we were, or I was at least falling in love. He must've thought he was falling in love, true, but he was really just set off, down his typical yellow brick road, down the beginning of his "cycle of behavior", to find OZ. I was elevated, idealized and unbeknownst to me, became the container for all of his hopes and dreams to be the person who he's been looking for all his life that will set everything right. Reflect back to him who he truly is, that ultimately everyone else missed. We had a honeymoon period that lasted 3 months, and believe me, it had holes in it. There were red flags that I tried to look away from that were slapping me in the face 4 months later and had him cheating on me and calling me a C--T by 5 months and first breakup by 6 months. There were pictures and declarations of love that no one had ever seen before on his FB page. But all of that only really meant his expectation for me not to disappoint him were at an all time high. So alls I'm saying, is sit back, buy yourself a bale of popcorn and try to relax. A leopard does not change his spots and if you think you are powerful enough to turn a good man into the monster you are describing that spit at you, physically abused you, then you have to look at your own narcissism. None of us are powerful enough to create that kind of hate in another. Even if you provoked him, he could've walked away before snapping into "himself". He would've walked away if that was his moral compass. Stop using this as a way to minimize yourself, and start praying for this girl. Looks to me like they are climbing a big mountain which for these goons only means a bigger drop. Try to be kinder to yourself, that's the only work we can control. Hugs, SMH
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Fool for Love
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« Reply #9 on: April 05, 2014, 09:50:25 AM »

Supernova, Listen, and listen good… I was the "new supply" that let my exBPD/npd exbf move in with me after a month. For different but similar reasons he needed me, my apartment, so my "whole package" represented a need, an oasis at the time. Yes, we'd just met, there was chemistry and we were, or I was at least falling in love. He must've thought he was falling in love, true, but he was really just set off, down his typical yellow brick road, down the beginning of his "cycle of behavior", to find OZ. I was elevated, idealized and unbeknownst to me, became the container for all of his hopes and dreams to be the person who he's been looking for all his life that will set everything right. Reflect back to him who he truly is, that ultimately everyone else missed. We had a honeymoon period that lasted 3 months, and believe me, it had holes in it. There were red flags that I tried to look away from that were slapping me in the face 4 months later and had him cheating on me and calling me a C--T by 5 months and first breakup by 6 months. There were pictures and declarations of love that no one had ever seen before on his FB page. But all of that only really meant his expectation for me not to disappoint him were at an all time high. So alls I'm saying, is sit back, buy yourself a bale of popcorn and try to relax. A leopard does not change his spots and if you think you are powerful enough to turn a good man into the monster you are describing that spit at you, physically abused you, then you have to look at your own narcissism. None of us are powerful enough to create that kind of hate in another. Even if you provoked him, he could've walked away before snapping into "himself". He would've walked away if that was his moral compass. Stop using this as a way to minimize yourself, and start praying for this girl. Looks to me like they are climbing a big mountain which for these goons only means a bigger drop. Try to be kinder to yourself, that's the only work we can control. Hugs, SMH

A good friend told me the same thing ... " Leopards do not change their spots" ... mine did the same with me on FB ... . After I found out about the cheating , wrote her a nasty email she moved in with the guy 2 weeks later ... . Guess what ? Now he is her FB trophy ... . Says the same thing about him as she did me ... . Don't let it bother you ... . I know it's tuff, I know it hurts ... . but I truly believe that if they stay together she will show her extreme jealousy , insecurities and clingy behavior that she did with me ... And let him deal with her . Your situation was a lot tougher than mine ... . the abuse is awful for a person to take ... . I wish you well in your healing ... .
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fuzz

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« Reply #10 on: April 05, 2014, 10:44:42 AM »

if you think you are powerful enough to turn a good man into the monster you are describing that spit at you, physically abused you ... .

Sometimes it is the simple sentences like this that wake me up to reality.  I 'm sort of changing the context of your meaning by extracting only the part I did, but has the same effect. Light bulb moment that I hope many here will benefit from reading.

We didn't change them and no matter how we try we can not fix them either.   Their pattern for survival continues.  

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Pecator
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« Reply #11 on: April 05, 2014, 04:06:20 PM »

S9, thank you for a powerful and timely thread.

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) 4 months out, I began to feel some well needed detachment. Even a broken N/C fueled this detachment. Then I learned that my ex was already seeing cracks. "[Replacement] is a workaholic. I'm beginning to see why his wife cheated on him." (not said to me) She is planning social event's that don't include him. Trips with her brother instead of him.

Then I also learned she has planned many romantic getaways with him over the summer. This was finally the summer we could do it together. Now she is doing it with him.

Last night, she met his daughter. Something she never accomplished the first time he was my replacement. 

I was numb... . tired... . frustrated. So I read more here.

The "understanding driven lonely child" fits me well (even though I am uncomfortable with the fit).

I have invested on the notion of her being a pwBPD. Being here has helped so much that I even got a brief glimpse of the previously unimaginable "detachment." Her being pwBPD fed my "understanding need." She did love me... . it was just BPD. Seeing cracks in her new r/s brought me up. Seeing signs that this new relationship was working brought me down.

That is still engulfment, not detachment.

Truth is, I have been banking on her being a pwBPD. I need to see the pattern continue so I can confirm it.

But an even greater truth is:

The pages here clearly express the dynamics of my relationship. The pages here even more clearly express the pain I have endured. But the pages here are here to help ME heal. I have to keep that the focus.

It is a spectrum disease. My ex could successfully project to the world that she has finally found her soulmate. And that could last for what was our dream "the best second-half." Any effort to learn the validity of that claim derides the effort of why I am here. Seeing the signs of BPD feeds the archaic traumas in my life by feeding my "understanding driven" need. I need to "BE" with the fact that what I went through was wrong and not about me. There are thousands of pages here to tell that. I need to "BE" with the fact that it will probably not play out as expected (hell nothing did in this relationship). I need to "BE" with the healing and wholeness for me!

That is the key to my "best second-half." Regardless of what hers may be.


Oh and by the way, by timely I mean that I had to write this before I believe it. I am sure tomorrow I will be on a quest to find out how the meeting with the daughter went.


But the path is in my head, soon it will be in my heart. I will make it through this, I am confident you will too











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AwakenedOne
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« Reply #12 on: April 05, 2014, 09:50:55 PM »

S9, thank you for a powerful and timely thread.

Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post) 4 months out, I began to feel some well needed detachment. Even a broken N/C fueled this detachment. Then I learned that my ex was already seeing cracks. "[Replacement] is a workaholic. I'm beginning to see why his wife cheated on him." (not said to me) She is planning social event's that don't include him. Trips with her brother instead of him.

Then I also learned she has planned many romantic getaways with him over the summer. This was finally the summer we could do it together. Now she is doing it with him.

Last night, she met his daughter. Something she never accomplished the first time he was my replacement. 

I was numb... . tired... . frustrated. So I read more here.

The "understanding driven lonely child" fits me well (even though I am uncomfortable with the fit).

I have invested on the notion of her being a pwBPD. Being here has helped so much that I even got a brief glimpse of the previously unimaginable "detachment." Her being pwBPD fed my "understanding need." She did love me... . it was just BPD. Seeing cracks in her new r/s brought me up. Seeing signs that this new relationship was working brought me down.

That is still engulfment, not detachment.

Truth is, I have been banking on her being a pwBPD. I need to see the pattern continue so I can confirm it.

But an even greater truth is:

The pages here clearly express the dynamics of my relationship. The pages here even more clearly express the pain I have endured. But the pages here are here to help ME heal. I have to keep that the focus.

It is a spectrum disease. My ex could successfully project to the world that she has finally found her soulmate. And that could last for what was our dream "the best second-half." Any effort to learn the validity of that claim derides the effort of why I am here. Seeing the signs of BPD feeds the archaic traumas in my life by feeding my "understanding driven" need. I need to "BE" with the fact that what I went through was wrong and not about me. There are thousands of pages here to tell that. I need to "BE" with the fact that it will probably not play out as expected (hell nothing did in this relationship). I need to "BE" with the healing and wholeness for me!

That is the key to my "best second-half." Regardless of what hers may be.


Oh and by the way, by timely I mean that I had to write this before I believe it. I am sure tomorrow I will be on a quest to find out how the meeting with the daughter went.


But the path is in my head, soon it will be in my heart. I will make it through this, I am confident you will too

Pecator,

I am "understanding driven" also.

Does my uBPDstbxW have BPD for sure without any doubt? It doesn't matter to me because I look at it like this ->

If she doesn't have BPD I consider her worse because that would make her a selfish, cruel, etc... . person who has no

excuse for being that way. Either way the relationship isn't to be, right?

Maybe thinking like this would be helpful to you. You probably made some mistakes though of course, as we all did. Forgive yourself. You don't have to be perfect. I understand what your feeling, hang in there. Keep posting.  
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Pecator
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« Reply #13 on: April 05, 2014, 10:05:14 PM »

If she doesn't have BPD I consider her worse because that would make her a selfish, cruel, etc... . person who has no excuse for being that way. Either way the relationship isn't to be, right?

Perfect words... . Thanks so much
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patientandclear
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« Reply #14 on: April 06, 2014, 11:43:36 AM »

Supernova:

As several posters above me said, we have to remember what went on with us before things went south.  I was "the best partner anyone could hope to have," two weeks before he ended everything.  Later, when we were intimate friends, he introduced me to his daughter -- a genuinely big deal for him.  I don't believe he let his kids and his girlfriends cross paths often.  And he shared some really intense stuff that was meaningful to him when he was a kid and which he wanted me to understand.  But that was just weeks before he suddenly moved 1600 miles away.

My point is that when you see these snapshots, you would reason that people who experience the good feelings they are reporting, and writing the sweet loving comments they are writing, would stay with that, but often, pwBPD do not.  The very fact that these things are said and maybe felt, may cause the implosion.  It just isn't true that because things are or look good for a while, they will be or will continue to be good.  The closer/better the r/ship, the higher the stakes and the higher the risk of hurt and loss, which triggers dysfunctional reactions.

It looked with us like it looks with your ex and the new woman ... . until the day that it didn't.

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corraline
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« Reply #15 on: April 06, 2014, 12:53:18 PM »

My situation too.

We became closer, he was telling me that i was beginning to break down his defenses,he acknowledged my strength for persevering with his challenges,  his daughter and I were expressing our love  for each other (which he was encouraging) he supposedly bought me a ring (didn't receive it) we were talking more about moving in together soon, coming together, closer, then all of a sudden his behavior got soo bad , it was like a hurricane hit.
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« Reply #16 on: April 06, 2014, 02:57:06 PM »

Supernova:

As several posters above me said, we have to remember what went on with us before things went south.

 

 It just isn't true that because things are or look good for a while, they will be or will continue to be good.  

It looked with us like it looks with your ex and the new woman ... . until the day that it didn't.

Thanks - I needed to be reminded of this.  It is really getting to me at the moment, that the replacement is still around and everything appears to be going well.  The unfairness of it upsets me and I need to remember that eventually she isn't going to end up with anything more than I did - broken promises and abuse!
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« Reply #17 on: April 06, 2014, 03:11:56 PM »

I have been going thru this feeling nonstop since my ex started seeing someone else... .   long before I found out about it of course... .   he's been cruel enough to tell me all the ways she is better than me because she doesn't throw herself at other men at work (yeah... . I didn't do that either... . )... .   and having him describe her life of course made it sound all is perfect... .   so when I FINALLY stopped crying and then sent him the "goodbye, I understand" email on Thursday night to him... .    he emailed back on Friday and said that they had split up !

ARGGGGGGGGGGGGGGGH.   Way to set me back 12,000 steps... .    who knows if it's true.  He's clearly NOT trying to reach out to me if it IS true... .   does that mean he's just punishing me still?  does it mean that he really hasn't broken up with her... ?   does it mean that he did but he's already got someone ELSE lined up?

or the likely answer... .    all of the above... .

:'(
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« Reply #18 on: April 06, 2014, 03:23:13 PM »

Ya, that's the problem in a nutshell isn't it.  What the heck does anything they say mean?

That's what still makes me sick in the head. I still find myself ruminating over all of the things that did not make sense.  I am able to stop myself more now than when I was in it. 
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