Something Unique, Rare, and Powerful to Share with you guys...

[redbaron5]

Everyone's Story here is unique. Unfortunately, as we all know, they are strikingly similar as well.  I spent 4 years with someone who in my unprofessional opinion suffers from BPD. By nature, I suffered as well, to the point where I lost my sense of identity, I lost my house, and my business as well. I was terribly sick and I still am to this day, even after almost a year of No Contact. Ofcourse we all have our own issues, but when we run into a BPD "Phantom" as I like to call them, capable of sensing our insecurities, mirroring us, and providing us with a false person to love, well... .   you know the story, I'll spare you the details...

Amazing Idealization phase, it might as well have been a needle into my arm, I didn't stand a chance.  I had told her of my breakup with a woman I loved dearly, that had nearly broken me, I got the typical BPD jargon in return

"I would NEVER do that to you"

"I can't believe she just LEFT you like that"

"My mom cheated on my dad, I couldn't imagine doing that to someone... . "

"Every guy I've ever loved as abandoned me"

"If I was that type of girl, I would have married you by now"  (2 weeks)

"I love you"   (2 1/2 weeks)

She always talked about her EXBF, her "8 year nightmare" as she referred to him. She told me he used to hit her, beat her, emotionally abuse her, throw her down the stairs, cheat on her, lock her out of the house. I hated the guy, I HATED him, I didn't even know him, but I was so convinced her had ruined my GF.

I was vulnerable, we all are. The red flags kept coming, white lies, raging over insignificant things, financial and emotional instability, black and white thinking of other people, intense yet superficial relationships with all her "BFF's"   Superficial speech and histrionic behavior.

Then there was the Heroin.  I didn't find out until a year in the "relationship"  I thought THAT was the problem, finally a "Elephant in the room"  If I could get rid of the heroin, I could get my BF back I thought, stupid.  I supported her for years, paid for the rehab, but my friendships, my business, my relationship with my family all on the line for her.

I paid all her rent, her bills, her needs, fed her, clothed her, ripped heroin out of her hands, you name it, I was there.  I was a rescuer, in the end, it was I that needed rescuing.

I had piles of letters from her, hand written,

"I love you more than anything"

"You saved me"

"I can't wait until the day I can be the girlfriend you finally deserve"

"You don't know how much I truly Love you, I would die to make you happy"

"You think I would get clean and leave you? I want to marry you"

When she got out of rehab things got better, she was making new friends, they were becoming my friends. The drugs were gone and I was anxious to get my GF back, still things were one sided. I still had to to everything. All she did was take, take take, I felt so alone. 3 Years of care-taking, pain, heartbreak, I was desperate for affection. It was terrible.

One week I got to spend some "guy" time with one of her close guy friends she made after rehab. We gambled, we laughed, we "Bro'd" out.   A few days later I get the call from him, he says he is too sick to sleep. That I'm way to good of a guy to not know the truth.  He had slept with my now Fiance over a dozen times, before he even knew I existed. He told me of about 10 other guys as well, most of them I had bought dinner for and shaken hands with. Disgusting, the Betrayal Trauma was indescribable. She even had a semi serious BF that didn't know I existed, and vice-versa obviously. When I confronted her about it, she called the police on me and told them that I hit her. I begged and pleaded with her to tell them the truth, eventually she did and I was let go, as she was looking at me in hand cuffs. I wanted to die. How could she do this to someone she claimed to LOVE?  I even remember asking her about one of the guys she had slept with before I knew, she yelled and screamed at me for accusing her of doing anything wrong, and made me feel like an IDIOT for even suggesting she would cheat on me with someone else.

On to the point of this ramble, I had a house full of her entire stuff, furniture, clothes, everything. I decided to sell what I could right away to recover some of my losses monetarily and emotionally. hit her at this point I thought. In going through her stuff, I found a letter, a 16 page hand written letter from her 8 year EXBF. You know? The one she used to tell me was such a piece of hit. That used to beat her and abuse her and cheat on her?  His letter to her, a full 6 years before I met her, now written  a decade ago.

Not such a bad guy after all?  After everything went down I went and talked to him, he was a perfectly normal, nice, caring person.  He helped me through my

fallout with our mutual BPD girlfriend and we have become good friends since then. He is a survivor of the same emotional abuser that I was and it was so validating

to talk to him and realize I am not alone.  I don't even want to bring up the rest of the stories he shared with me... .      Of-course I triggered him and he sent our mutual

BPDexgf a text message, something like "I just talked to your EXBF for 5 hours, pretty hitty, even for you. You always were an expert and looking someone in the

eyes and lying to them."

Then she blew me up and called me a weirdo for going to her EXBF, called us both lairs and told me we deserved each other, and actually, we do, and I am proud to call him my friend.  The last I heard from her my Overlapping replacement was the most amazing person on the planet, and they were getting married and having kids right away. I sent him on message and tried to warn him, he told me to never contact him again. My EXBPDGF has told him the same things I was told, that I was an abuser, rapist, cheater, whatever.  She is off to be "saved" again, it is a PATTERN.

These people do not change, they are the lowest of the low quality humans.  They are sewage, and you have to stay away from them at all cost.  There is nothing more psychologically devastating than when your abuser comes in the from of a beautiful person claiming to love you. Things do not change.

[TwoCents]

She may never recognize or realize it, but you clearly went to great lengths to help her become a better person.  That alone speaks to the degree of love you had for her and the kindness in you.

It never ceases to amaze me how hard some people will try to vilify the ones they love.

[Mutt]

Hi redbaron5,

I'm sorry about the pain that your ex has put you through, that's heartbreaking stuff. I share a similar experience and understand what it feels like to be put on a pedestal, the knocked clean off and devalued. My ex cheated and lied about her affair partner as well. That hurts like hell. I'm like you, I was a rescuer / knight in shining armor  and heard all of the stories about the ex's.

I did a similar thing, and reached out to my ex's ex, actually his partner, because he wants to put everything behind and forget about her. Your ex probably feels threatened by the two of you, that's why she is acting immaturely, BPD is emotional arrested development, a disorder.

It's OK to feel and vent your anger, anger can be a mask for pain, here's a workshop that will help you with your healing.

SELF-AWARE: Has the anger gone too far?

Do you identify with feeling resentful?

[redbaron5]

Well this thread might not make much sense anymore now that the mods (understandably) had to remove the letter I posted. Anyway it was a letter from her EX of 8 years(who she claimed was a piece of garbage) which was written very logically, calmly, and displayed the same emotions I had, it may as well have been written in my own handwriting. That our mutual EX was emotionally abusive., physically abusive, and not only cheated on us but went the extra mile of gas-lighting the infidelity.  I know the biggest struggle alot of us have is wondering if it was "us" or if her new relationship will suddenly fall into place and work. Well the proof is in the pudding, and the letter proved it, it is a pattern of behavior and will never change. I WAS the replacement at one point. She did the exact same thing with me, that she did to her EX, and the guy before that. We are foolish to think a leopard will suddenly change their spots because they are with a new partner.

[sirensong65]

 Hi RedBaron:

I can truly relate as when my relationship with a BPD crased and burned and he ofcourse gave NO closure, I chose to reach out to his Ex before me who he referred to as "the monster" only to find she was a great gal and he had dumped her after she AND her family nursed him through a heart surgery that his own family didn't come down to support him through.

You are right on how it is a pattern and they will use and abuse over and over again.  I was the first to actually figure out he was BPD, then I passed the info onto his former gf who was relieved to hear it.  For nearly three years, this poor girl couldn't move on and was stuck thinking she had somehow caused him to abruptly leave her.

She and I are now very good friends and he was incensed when he heard we had became friends.  Said we will both be old maids with no man cause we are bitter bhites.  Whatever... .

[Aussie0zborn]

Thanks for sharing your story. Yes, they all follow a similar pattern.  I'm sure you could have written ten pages but you kept it short, brief and interesting. Thanks for putting a typical BPD relationship in such a succinct and easy to read form.

Hope you can put it all behind you very soon.

[heartandwhole]

Wow, redbaron5,

I'm truly sorry you went through that, how incredibly painful.  I'm glad you made a new friend, and that you are both helping each other through, that is a gift.

It's been a year of NC, and how are you feeling these days?  What has helped the most with your detachment?