Finally over the guilt

[bustedstuff]

When I joined here a few months ago, I thought that learning my my gf was BPD would give me the tools I needed to make things work. Sadly, I've finally had to accept that it simply is not ever going to become what I had always wanted. I'm over the guilt I felt that kept me from leaving. I'm the only person who knows that she is BPD. I felt like it was my responsibility to put up with her and be her emotional punching bag because I loved her and didn't think anyone else would ever understand what she was going through. But I'm DONE being taken advantage of.

After 4.5 years of a tumultuous relationship and hundreds of endings and beginnings, I've decided that I care about myself enough to stop the emotional abuse. She left me for one of her ex girlfriends, again. I am done trying, but I'm not sure how to let go. I know she has bred codependency in me. I am also an HSP.

I'm in therapy and have been for awhile, but I think it would help me to hear from people who are actually in the same situation as me. How do I just let go of 4 and a half years of pain? I'm feeling so spiteful and angry. She lied to my face for years, cheated on me, and hopped right out of bed with me and into bed with her ex. I am having a difficult time accepting that she will always get away with abusing people and taking advantage of them, while I have to suffer. She can treat everyone like garbage, lie, cheat, and manipulate, and ultimately get what she wants. How is that fair? How do I let go and move on without feeling so inclined to play karma police? I'm FURIOUS!

[Mutt]

Hi bustedstuff,

I'm sorry about the the pain that your ex caused you. I share a similar experience and understand how hurtful it can be when a partner lies and cheats on you. It hurts like hell and it's not fair.

You accept that that is simply not going to becoming something that you always wanted. You also understand that you are hypersensitive and identified co-dependency being a side-effect from BPD? I found this article helpful in identifying what co-dependency is: Are we co-dependent?

It's tough to let someone that you love so much go, my ex was fine before she met me, and I'm sure that she'll be fine after me.

When you see a good person, think of becoming like her/him. When you see someone not so good, reflect on your own weak points.”

― Confucius

It's tough to let someone that you love so much go, my ex was fine before she met me, and I'm sure that she'll fine after me. What feelings have you identified? Are you processing the grief?

[HappyNihilist]

I'm so sorry, bustedstuff. At least this r/s has shown you what you will not tolerate, and what you need to work on. I'm happy for you that you've come to a decision. As painful and terrible as it is now, you will be glad you made the decision to protect and take care of yourself.

The anger is completely understandable. It's not fair to be treated this way after you've given so much. But I did want to share something that's helped me on the issue of fairness (not just dealing with pwBPD, but in life in general). This in an excerpt from Dr. Tom G. Steven's article "Overcoming Anger and Aggression":

"Fairness" versus "Happiness" doctrines. The fairness doctrine states that "Life should always be fair and exactly equal for everyone." If we have developed too many expectations based upon this "fairness doctrine," then we are doomed to a life filled with misery. In the worst cases people spend much of their life calculating fairness, balancing what they have received versus what they have given, and maintaining some sort of self-created accounting system that is based entirely on ideas of fairness. This fairness belief system may have little correspondence to outside reality.

What is "fair" about some people being born into happy, prosperous families and living prosperous, long, happy lives while other people are born into miserable situations and die young after leading a life filled with suffering? "Unfairness" is all around us. I recommend abandoning the "fairness doctrine."

It can be replaced with the happiness doctrine. It states that I will choose that which contributes most to my and others' happiness. I accept that my life and all my options are a gift. If I compare my gifts to others'--especially to those that have more--I will only reduce my appreciation of my own gifts.

There really is some "justice" in this world. What I have been saying about "fairness" is that rigidly holding on to a fairness doctrine can undermine our happiness. However, one concern people express to me is that if they do not hold on to this doctrine, then there will be no justice or consequences.

I ask those people to remember that we live in a world controlled by natural laws which we cannot "break." Natural laws do provide some measure of natural consequences--of rewards and punishments for our actions. Society can also create laws which provide additional rewards and punishments. Frequently the guilty seem to go unpunished. How do we control our anger when we see such miscarriages of justice?

"Psychological Justice." Psychological laws are particularly effective as natural punishments. People who take advantage of other people are punished by natural reactions--such as lack of real intimacy and love in their life. They are punished by their Higher Self, which sees "the evil" or harm they do to others and produces guilt through natural empathy with others. They are punished by their own anger and negative beliefs--which torment them with conflict, anger, and anxiety. They are too busy feeling anger to feel happy.

For example, Stalin and Hitler are two men who may share the distinction of causing more harm to more people than any other men in history. Some have said that these men were examples of how evil power can pay--as if to prove that there is no justice. However, while both men achieved great worldly wealth and power, both men lived highly tormented lives. Understanding how difficult it is for harmful people to be happy people helps me let go of some of my anger when something appears "unjust."

www.csulb.edu/~tstevens/b-anger.htm

[seeking balance]

How do I just let go of 4 and a half years of pain? I'm feeling so spiteful and angry. She lied to my face for years, cheated on me, and hopped right out of bed with me and into bed with her ex. I am having a difficult time accepting that she will always get away with abusing people and taking advantage of them, while I have to suffer. She can treat everyone like garbage, lie, cheat, and manipulate, and ultimately get what she wants. How is that fair? How do I let go and move on without feeling so inclined to play karma police? I'm FURIOUS!

It is not fair - and life is not always fair - and having to accept that is a very bitter pill at times - I totally get it!

Letting go for me happened because hanging on finally became more painful - nothing pretty about it. I held on until my last pinkie was gripping and then, there was a moment I was done.  One of us was truly mentally ill and lying to ourselves and I was really unsure which one of us it was - letting go was about survival for me.  What I came to find out was it was true of us both - just looked different in each of us.

Karma police - yeah, I wanted that too - but you know what, I was tired of looking crazy.  Not the best reason not to do it, but valid... . I was already embarrassed at what I tolerated that becoming a bitter stalker was really not something I wanted to add to my resume of ridiculousness.

In all seriousness, accepting life doesn't always work out even when we do our best is really sad.  My recovery in this area was a bit more spiritually based than we tend to talk about on the boards - I was pretty pissed a God for a while and I had to come full circle for me to be ok.

It is all new for you now bustedstuff - let yourself have some time to adjust, balance out and grieve.  Be really, really kind to YOU right now.

Peace,

SB