Am I being manipulated?

[popeye6031]

so, I finsihed it with my fiancee 11 days ago after being told of her cheating (again).

She denies it, of course, and has begged me to give her another chance but I have given her enough chances.

I have not gone NC yet but not engaging in lots of conversations.

Frustratinlgly, She kept asking me if I have met someone else.

In other words, she could not accept that her behaviour and actions caused our demise.

The last 2 days she is now being very apologetic and saying she is sorry for how she treated me and wishes she could turn back time.

She is also saying that she cannot even think about being with someone else because she is so devastated and it will take her a long time before she feels like having a boyfriend again.

So, is it likely that she is does not want to meet somone else? 

I would have thought that pwBPD (diagnosed or not) would want to meet someone else asap.

Do they use these sorts of lines to rry to reel you back in?

[Aussie0zborn]

Don't be a dickhead. You can't seriously believe for one second that she "can't be with anyone else" when she has had multiple affairs behind your back. You, my friend, deserve a whole lot better than to have this happening every second day of your life.  There are better things to worry about in life and this should not be one of them.

I'm thinking you don't like yourself to even be entertaining this. Run, dude, run as fast as you can and work out what it is that would make you consider this for a second time.

[mapys]

Not everyone is carved from the same wood. PwBPD also come in all different ranges. Some will seek a new partner of f-buddy the next day, others will wait a moment - maybe month until they find someone more stable to latch on. So this ASAP thing might not be so obvious (I think).

Don't forget that they are also people and they have emotions - what she is saying might (and probably is) true - at that particular moment. The problem is, that how they feel, changes so quickly. Thus I don't know weather your ex-fiancée doesn't want to meet new people - maybe (at this particular moment). But tomorrow she might have different feelings.

And yes - they use all the sweet talk they can to reel you back in. Sometimes, when you know what is happening, it is so funny because those speeches are so unrealistic and chilish. I don't understand how they don't see it - that what they are doing is fruitless and childish. But then again - I guess they don't know (haven't learned) how to act differently, in a more mature way.

When you know what to look for, you won't grab the bait

Good luck!

[Mutt]

I'm sorry popeye6031 about the frustration, confusion and hurt that your fiance is causing you. I share a similar experience and infidelity hurts like hell. I don't think that you are being manipulated. It's up to you to have boundaries, and uphold those boundaries. You can control your actions.

So to answer your question if your being reeled back in or manipulated:

Is he/she sincere or is this just more toxic recycling?

Many non's spend much time trying to figure out if the attempted "re-engagement" is sincere. For this reason, it's important to understand the emotional make-up of someone with BPD.  They are not crazy/insane - their behaviors are often predictable - especially if we understand the disorder and their history with us.  So it is wise to accept that the person with BPD is probably very sincere in wanting to reconnect.

It is important to consider that pwBPD can be highly impulsive and those impulses can change quickly.

So sincerity is not the issue.   The issue is whether the person with BPD (as well as you) can follow through with an emotional commitment.

Follow the link for more information:  US: "Relationship Recycling" - What is it?

[popeye6031]

Thanks for the replies.

Yes, I should be more understanding and realise that she is being sincere in what she is saying.

And should not be surprised if she moves on quickly enough.

Thanks for the link Mutt, will read that now.

[popeye6031]

After reading that link, I would like to ask a question.

What counts as a breakup?

Is it one that lasts for period of time (i.e. days or longer)?

For me, this is the first break up that has gone into days.

Every other break up was fixed within 24 hours.

[Mutt]

After reading that link, I would like to ask a question.

What counts as a breakup?

Is it one that lasts for period of time (i.e. days or longer)?

For me, this is the first break up that has gone into days.

Every other break up was fixed within 24 hours.

I asked myself the same thing when I read that link. I went through a lot of break-ups when we were both emotionally charged. Some were fixed quickly, within an hour and some the same day. I was separated several times as well, but they were separations. I look at it as I went through on break-up, when she started a r/s with someone else and left.

[LongGoneEx]

After reading that link, I would like to ask a question.

What counts as a breakup?

Is it one that lasts for period of time (i.e. days or longer)?

For me, this is the first break up that has gone into days.

Every other break up was fixed within 24 hours.

You're asking the wrong question because you're clinging to false hopes. You're not yet ready to accept the situation as it is, which is hopeless. I understand that - been there myself.

Nothing is ever really "fixed" in BPD breakups, let alone in 24 hours. A healthy relationship isn't built around breakups. But a healthy, stable relationship isn't possible with a pwBPD, especially if they are not voluntarily seeking extensive therapy for their condition. The operational definition of BPD is that it manifests as relationship instability.

Your closure is in realizing that fixing someone else's serious mental illness isn't what marriage is about. A viable marriage requires stability to face life's challenges and this stability was never in the cards with your fiance. That you found out about her condition before you got married is a huge plus for you, even though you may not see it that way at the moment because you care about her. Sadly, you cannot do much for her except to politely walk away.

The sooner you go NC (politely, calmly but with absolute finality), the sooner you can work on yourself to accept things as they are and protect your own mental health. Detach so that you can move on to finding someone healthy who has the character to love and commit to you in marriage.

[AwakenedOne]

Your closure is in realizing that fixing someone else's serious mental illness isn't what marriage is about. A viable marriage requires stability to face life's challenges and this stability was never in the cards with your fiance. That you found out about her condition before you got married is a huge plus for you, even though you may not see it that way at the moment because you care about her. Sadly, you cannot do much for her except to politely walk away.

popeye6031,

Listen to those words and mine also.

I am married to an uBPDstbxW. Walk away... . find someone you can be happy with who is healthy. Be glad you didn't get married. Also, don't allow someone to continuously cheat on you. Respect yourself and others will respect you back. I understand how you feel, that's why I hope you do the right thing so you can have a chance at real happiness. Good Luck.

[Cardinals in Flight]

Yes!  Although we may all desire what you are experiencing with her now, it is short lived and will lead to MUCH GREATER LONG TERM PAIN.

CiF

[popeye6031]

Thanks for all the reaplies everyone.

It is godo t read the honest advice.  I am determined that this is the end for us but I do have my moments where I feel sorry for her and debate things in my head.  So, hearing these tings keeps me grounded in reality.

[Changingman]

so, I finsihed it with my fiancee 11 days ago after being told of her cheating (again).

She denies it, of course, and has begged me to give her another chance but I have given her enough chances.

I have not gone NC yet but not engaging in lots of conversations.

Frustratinlgly, She kept asking me if I have met someone else.

In other words, she could not accept that her behaviour and actions caused our demise.

The last 2 days she is now being very apologetic and saying she is sorry for how she treated me and wishes she could turn back time.

She is also saying that she cannot even think about being with someone else because she is so devastated and it will take her a long time before she feels like having a boyfriend again.

So, is it likely that she is does not want to meet somone else? 

I would have thought that pwBPD (diagnosed or not) would want to meet someone else asap.

Do they use these sorts of lines to rry to reel you back in?

She Says... .

"she cannot even think about being with someone else because she is so devastated and it will take her a long time before she feels like having a boyfriend again."


She means... .

"Tell me you haven't got a new girlfriend, and won't get one."

They mean everything they say at that moment even if they are lying, which they are.


":)o they use these sorts of lines to reel you back in?"

They mean everything they say at that moment even if they are lying, which they are.

Good Luck.

[popeye6031]

She will not stop calling and messaging, begging me to give her another chance.  Saying she will prove to me that she can do everything I want in our relationship. 

I have been standing firm and saying no and that we are never going to work.  And as easy as it is to say, it is not easy to feel it.

She has told me if I just tell her I do not love her anymore, then she will leave me alone.  I cannot say that though and have just told her to accept that she messed up.

[seeking balance]

She will not stop calling and messaging, begging me to give her another chance.  Saying she will prove to me that she can do everything I want in our relationship. 

I have been standing firm and saying no and that we are never going to work.  And as easy as it is to say, it is not easy to feel it.

She has told me if I just tell her I do not love her anymore, then she will leave me alone.  I cannot say that though and have just told her to accept that she messed up.

When you are done - you will know.  It is NOT an easy decision nor is it dramatic... . it just happens, we know in our gut when we are done.  Does that mean we don't teeter back/forth a bit longer, no; but it does mean that deep in our gut - we know it really is over as we knew it in the past.

I wish I could tell you her behavior will change, but if my relationship end is any indication - it changes, but not nearly the way we may need it to in order to continue.  Without serious therapy for you both and real changes, the indicators point that a version of the same dance will continue.

You are stronger than you might realize Popeye.  You can love someone but realize it is in your best interest to love yourself more and stop the chaos.  You may love her for quite some time; but love is not enough in this situation.

False Beliefs that keep us stuck:  https://bpdfamily.com/bpdresources/nk_a109.htm

4) Belief that love can prevail

Once these relationships seriously rupture, they are harder to repair than most – many wounds that existed before the relationship have been opened. Of course you have a lot invested in this relationship and your partner has been an integral part of your dreams and hopes - but there are greater forces at play now.

For you, significant emotional wounds have been inflicted upon an already wounded soul. To revitalize your end of the relationship, you would need to recover from your wounds and emerge as an informed and loving caretaker – it’s not a simple journey. You need compassion and validation to heal - something your partner most likely won’t understand – and you can’t provide for yourself right now

For your partner, there are longstanding and painful fears, trust issues, and resentments that have been triggered. Your partner is coping by blaming much of it on you. For your partner to revitalize their end of the relationship, they would need to understand and face their wounds and emerge very self-aware and mindful. This is likely an even greater challenge than you face.

[popeye6031]

Thanks for the reply seeking balance.

She has now sent me messages saying she is going to kill herself plus a pic of her hand filled with pills. I don't know whether to take it seriously or not but she is not answering my calls or messages now.

[seeking balance]

Thanks for the reply seeking balance.

She has now sent me messages saying she is going to kill herself plus a pic of her hand filled with pills. I don't know whether to take it seriously or not but she is not answering my calls or messages now.

Call 911 - you are not qualified for this and she needs help.  Take all suicide threats seriously.

Do you have a friend who can come over to support you?

[mywifecrazy]

Don't be a dickhead. You can't seriously believe for one second that she "can't be with anyone else" when she has had multiple affairs behind your back.

Aussie, Thank you so much for giving me a chuckle!

My friend. Please listen to Aussie. Look all over these boards at story after story of the lies, deception and cheating that has taken place... . It's what they do!

Don't be a fool or you'll end up like me 20 years later with a big MESS to deal with. I ignored ALL the  and now I'm paying the price.  You were given the gift of knowledge and the truth... . Don't turn a blind eye!

[mywifecrazy]

Thanks for all the reaplies everyone.

It is godo t read the honest advice.  I am determined that this is the end for us but I do have my moments where I feel sorry for her and debate things in my head.  So, hearing these tings keeps me grounded in reality.

They WANT you to FEEL SORRY FOR THEM that's the card they play to manipulate and control you. My uBPDxw still tries this with me even after the divorce. She can turn on and off the tears at the drop of a hat. It's eery to witness. I never realized what she was doing in my 20 years with her but now that I'm out of the FOG and educated about BPD (thAnks to this site) I can see that it's one of her WEAPONS at her disposal to manipulate people. She even does it to our sons (9&14).

Please know you can't fix her! Work on yourself and you will find true happiness!

[mywifecrazy]

Thanks for the reply seeking balance.

She has now sent me messages saying she is going to kill herself plus a pic of her hand filled with pills. I don't know whether to take it seriously or not but she is not answering my calls or messages now.

Call 911 - you are not qualified for this and she needs help.  Take all suicide threats seriously.

Do you have a friend who can come over to support you?

My uBPDxw did the same thing to me and I FELL for it. Again I paid a HEAFTY price. Please listen to seeking and call 911 and get out of the way for your sake and HERS!

[popeye6031]

Unfortunately she is in a foreign country, so I do not know how to call emergency services from here.

Tried to get in contact with many of her friends but no luck.

Ended up calling her sister in law, the only one in the family that knows of our break up. She cannot reach her.

I really hope this is attention seeking.

[woodsposse]

so, I finsihed it with my fiancee 11 days ago after being told of her cheating (again).

She denies it, of course, and has begged me to give her another chance but I have given her enough chances.

I have not gone NC yet but not engaging in lots of conversations.

Frustratinlgly, She kept asking me if I have met someone else.

In other words, she could not accept that her behaviour and actions caused our demise.

The last 2 days she is now being very apologetic and saying she is sorry for how she treated me and wishes she could turn back time.

She is also saying that she cannot even think about being with someone else because she is so devastated and it will take her a long time before she feels like having a boyfriend again.

So, is it likely that she is does not want to meet somone else? 

I would have thought that pwBPD (diagnosed or not) would want to meet someone else asap.

Do they use these sorts of lines to rry to reel you back in?

Yes.

[seeking balance]

Unfortunately she is in a foreign country, so I do not know how to call emergency services from here.

Tried to get in contact with many of her friends but no luck.

Ended up calling her sister in law, the only one in the family that knows of our break up. She cannot reach her.

I really hope this is attention seeking.

You did the right thing popeye.  If it is attention seeking, she does need the attention... . she needs some help and you honestly have done the right thing in trying to get her that help that is not you.

Are you ok?