Making it all about them . . .

[ApChagi1]

Last night I got a phone call from my aunt during which she said she just found out she has late-stage lung cancer.  I spoke with her for maybe 5 minutes with my dBPDw closely nearby.  My aunt was surprisingly upbeat about the bad situation.  When I hung up the phone with her, I explained what I knew to my wife.  Her first response was, "Well why did she talk to you and not to me? I knew she never thought of me as a friend" which was then quickly followed by "I can't believe you aren't asking ME how I am doing with this news?" 

I was understandably (I think) upset by the news and my wife's reaction really  made me feel angry and led to us arguing and fighting for about an hour.  Finally I said I needed a break and was going for a walk.  While the 15 minute walk was nice, it picked back up again as soon as I got home and continued until about midnight. 

How in the world am I supposed to deal with my wife making this news all about her and how she feels and how it affects her without even once considering me and my feelings?  I am so freaking angry about it. 

[PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES]

PLEASE - NO RUN MESSAGES This is a high level discussion board for solving ongoing, day-to-day relationship conflicts. Members may appear frustrated but they are here for constructive solutions to problems. This is not a place for relationship "stay" or "leave" discussions. Please read the specific guidelines for this group.

[IsItHerOrIsItMe]

I hate to tell you, but that's the nature of the beast.

I lost both my parents over the last couple years.  Both times the dominant topic was how uncomfortable my wife felt because my ex-wife came to the funerals.

All this was before I discovered what BPD was and whenever we'd argue about it I'd always wonder why she never got it.  It was my parents who died and yes, while she felt uncomfortable, it would have been nice if my being married to her would have made it easier to get through rather than more difficult.

Back to how to deal with it... . acceptance and forgiveness.  She doesn't get it, never will... .

[HopefulDad]

Deja vu.  I wrote almost the same thing in another thread... . my father's PSA levels were rising, triggering the need for more aggressive treatment and my wife made the situation about her.

I've gotten to the point where I just laugh it off.  It's one of my remaining defense mechanisms to not allow myself get engulfed in anger and resentment.

[bpbreakout]

Hopeful Dad makes sense, laughing it off is probably the best thing you can do. I remember visiting one of my best friends in hospital for thrombosis when they found a malignant tumour on his lung at the same time (thankfully everything was ok in the end). I was late back from hospital and BPDw was really angry about being inconvenienced as we were going out afterwards & didn't seem to give a **** about by friend - I couldn't believe it. We didn't argue much about it but like you I was seething for days after that at how she could be so selfish and insensitive. Now I now something about the condition it's much easier to accept & forgive these things. At the end of the day if someone you love has lung cancer that's where you should focus and if pwBPD can't do that I guess that's their issue.

[Washisheart]

When my father was dying, my fiancé was amazing, had my back 110%. Because there was horrible family drama that pitted me (us) against them. It was such a "you don't need them, you have me." Attitude. Even now, he doesn't get why two years later it still bothers me that I literally feel like an orphan, don't have a family and honestly just like I don't belong anywhere.

Now my cousin has died, he really doesn't understand why I care! Yes, he lived across the country and we weren't close, but growing up, before my grandmother died, my family was tight knit (with a lot of drama of course). I still grew up with him, he's still my cousin, but why am I upset?

But don't let him argue with one of his and they call him crazy, I will be hearing about it ALL night

[Ziggiddy]

One thing I have learned is that when I engage with a BPD friend or parent (I have both) is that this lends credence to their viewpoint. We the support/partner/friend whatever are ready to argue/discuss logically what seems like a fairly clear issue. However, for the BPD the uppermost thought must always by nature be "Where do I fit into the sequence of this?"

I have learned that engagement in how important they are (which is really not the issue - the health scare of your aunt is) can be quite futile. It is, to them a way of 'getting a foothold' into a situation in which they are not of primary importance which really is the underpinning motive of people with BPD. Although it at first felt awkward and unkind I have found changing the subject is more useful. They are smart and know what you are doing but you have the right not to engage in time consuming fruitless debate over what is really most important. By not engaging and by clearly doing so, I have found they learn that this is a not negotiable' topic. We must agree to differ even if they don't much like it.

In saying this I had to be confident that my viewpoint was sound and this is not always easy after years of having my judgment undermined. It seems that you are diffident about whether you had the right to be upset - you DID! It is unsympatheitc and childish to be thinking "How does this affect ME?" rather than "How does this affect your aunt?"

Anyway good luck )