just want to make sure I am doing the right thing

[notfancyfree]

I posted this in the new here forum, but wouldn't mind seeing if anyone here has more advice. This is all so new and I want to make sure I am doing the best thing to speed this process along.

I dated a guy for six weeks and six weeks only. It was wonderful at first... . he was so loving and open and we had a lot in common. He is ten years older than me, and I was surprised he seemed so emotionally available for someone his age. I went out of town two weekends ago and something happened with his ex girlfriend that set him off and he was getting drunk and barraging me with gchat messages that wildly varied in mood: how empty he is, how I am going to cheat on him too, how he loves me, all within the span of like 15 minutes. It freaked me out BIG TIME. Then my sister was reading an article about BPD in regards to a guy she dated and a light bulb just went on and some other red flags seemed like a much bigger deal. I realized he has a lot of the symptoms of BPD. I told him I needed a few days to think cause he freaked me out, and then ended things via email a week ago. He sent me 9 responses begging me to change my mind, left a note on my car over the weekend, tried messaging my sister on facebook, etc. Today he really seemed to up his attempts: called me three times from his roommate's phone, sent another email that he CLAIMED was the last, emailed me at my work email (I had no idea he had this). I have a therapist friend who advises me to NOT RESPOND to anything so I have ignored it all. Now he just wrote with a subject line saying if I asked him to leave me alone he promised he would, but just to say something. I cannot believe it's this hard to get away from someone after just six weeks. To make matters worse, he lives only four blocks from me. I feel like continuing to ignore is probably the best thing. Is there any chance he would actually go away if I responded to him? Or will he just think his attempts are working? It felt really cold & awkward at first, but his actions today are just starting to make me angry and not feel bad. I just want this man to go away! I've done so much reading on BPD this past week I am reeling. I am happy this message board is here and I really appreciate everyone sharing their stories as it helped me immensely in figuring this out before it got more intense.

[seeking balance]

 

6 weeks and you have boundaries already - very nice.

It sounds like you are attempting No Contact - NC.  Your Therapist friend gave you good advice.

BPD or not, sounds like this man has shown you some red flags and a rational, emotionally secure person would move along.  Good job!

Peace,

SB

[LettingGo14]

6 weeks and you have boundaries already - very nice.

Welcome notfancyfree.   I echo SB's affirmation.   You made a very healthy decision.  A mantra that helps me make difficult decisions now is "choose discomfort over regret"  -- it helps me say "no" and set boundaries when I need to do so.

We're here for you.

[afdezm]

stay in NC. Don't waste your time.

I would liked to see all the madness in just 6 weeks.

Congratulations. 

[notfancyfree]

thank you all for reaffirming what I am doing. I LOVE that mantra - because it really is uncomfortable to ignore someone like this. But I also feel like responding wouldn't have done any good. I don't think the small red flags would have been enough to warn me, but because I left town and this event happened with his ex girlfriend I got to see something that gave HUGE INSIGHT into who he is. I feel so thankful that this happened so I could leave before I got even more attached! Thanks everyone.

[notfancyfree]

He finally seems to have accepted it and instead of writing me emails begging me to change my mind he is really painting himself in the sad victim's role and sending me poems about how he loves me, talking about how he's like Ducky from Pretty in Pink (rejected... . and we loved 80's stuff together) and some poem he wrote the night we met that makes it CLEAR he was projecting years of expectations onto me, and that it really couldn't have much to do with me.

Do you think he will eventually move on? Or is he just sending these emails WHILE he is attempting to move on? I am trying to ignore them, have sent them to trash, but I also want to be aware of what I'm dealing with. Haven't responded to ANYTHING just am still reading them.

[GopherAgent]

notfancyfree... .

To be blunt about it... . Who cares if he moves on. You need to move on.

He has all the red flags of abuse that you don't need to accept if you want a healthy relationship with a healthy person. Clearly, he IS unhealthy and not able to maintain a balanced and stable relationship with anyone at this point. Don't be his victim.

Run... . Flee... . Don't return to him and get any more involved. After all... . You only have 6 weeks of involvement with this guy. Look around and see all the "normal" people around you. There are more of them than this kind of guy. You don't need the threats, the abuse, the flip flops or any of the sickness that he has thrust upon you to devalue you and destroy you with.

Think about this... . What healthy and normal person could you be with 6 weeks from now?

Start looking around and enjoy life. Don't get burdened with his destruction and hatred.

[notfancyfree]

gopher agent - thank you so much for that reply. I guess that is the part of NC that I haven't been abiding by. I keep reading the messages, toiling about it, feeling anxious & wondering if he will go away. Even though I haven't responded at all. I need to realize that he might keep emailing but I need to just NOT READ THEM. If he doesn't move on, that's his own problem. I feel really thankful that he showed his true colors in time for me to be able to get away with limited emotional attachment. I felt sad for a bit, but now I mostly feel relieved. I am still kind of reeling thinking about the red flags and realizing how easy it could be to be sucked into a relationship like this, and just analyzing why he appealed to me. Thanks!