I feel ripped to shreds Tonight

[Depression = 72% of members]

HI,

I haven't seen my EX-BPD girlfriend of 2 1/2 years now for over a year.  In that time I met this wonderful girl and thought I fell in love, and she loves me. But I have THE BPD EX who is seductive, and sexy, and has it all on my mind and that's ruining it.  The BPD ex has been engaged 4 times, married 3 , no friends, distant to her family and I mean everyone, except her kids.  Good mom.  Yes, she rages, out of control at the anytime without warning and then the next day, can be very loving, but not always.  Break ups, too many to count.  I am not young and either is she.  I am 63 she is 61, but very well built with several surgeries etc.  (Part of the attraction but not all)

Anyway, I have this wonderful girl who is nice, pretty, and very well adjusted.  I am so lucky, and my family and friends just love her.   I must missed the commotion and push and pull I guess.  So, I was so tempted to call my exBPD  today, and do it tomorrow.  5 months ago she was dying to go back, and told me how sorry she was and she was a bhit, and so unkind and cruel and pushed me away.  (I caught her on a dating site, and she refused to get off, even though we were exclusive , telling me, no one tells her what to do or say)  Yeah, so I left, my second time but how stupid am I to want a person like this, back in my life that cares only for themselves.  But the pull is so tremendous, and I never felt like this ever.  Sure, I missed my wife, and that took time as well.  Hopefully, I can learn from that, even though my ex wanted me bad several times too.  Longer story. 

Then to make matters worst, I went on my Ex BPD her site today , zoomed in on one of the male pictures, that were on her site for sometime, and she is most likely dating this guy who is younger about 55, as she has flattering him on his site like crazy.  This guy has tons of money as well.  Not all that good looking but he thinks so, Perfect for her, she never can have enough of that, the money, that's how she got her money.  Two very rich husbands, I was not.  Go figure.

The last communication we had was texting on a Friday nite in Feb.  Since then nothing so I know she is in her Stage 1 (adoration) , and I know I just stabbed myself in the stomach by being consumed with her, and then going on her site.  But what worst, I know deep down, she is who she is, and as nice as she acts now, (when I met her she was doing all these charitable things, and going to church,etc but that stopped pretty quickly)  whether with me or him, its going to be bad.  Well he might last longer  since money is not a problem for him, he'll spend it on her I think, and she is so so into money.  So that's very soothing I am sure to her. 

Anyway, I am on the hamster wheel and I desperately need to get off, (it is like a drug and an addiction, I recognize that) but now I don't know how to get off, as I just reinjured myself , and more important I am trying not to let this ruin my relationship with a wonderful women, and when we are together, it so very nice, and loving good, and sweet.  It's going to if it continues, since, my mind has to be focus on her, not the other. 

I guess, like most, I miss that smoking hot feeling, and I need to get into reality about that.   I was married for 34 years, she left, and I fell right into the frying pan and had a taste of smoking hot, and of course, even crazy rages, though I didn't like it , where accepted after the smoke cleared.  I don't think there is a magic potion, and I tell myself, maybe I need to go back to see, and surely she won't leave the gold mine she has, but even if I do, then that kills it for me, and my new love, and that, is a big motivating force, because I feel bad enough even thinking about anyone else.   

I just tired of letting myself be controlled and missing life. This really hurts and it stinks.  I have been going to counseling with a person experienced in BPD relationships.  She has one guy begging her to tell her how to cope better with his BPD, even though she almost pushed him off a balcony.  So maybe it's us NON-BPD that are nuts.   

Thanks for reading, and any words of wisdom is welcome.  I will pray to God for release of this addiction!

[outside9x]

HI,

I haven't seen my EX-BPD girlfriend of 2 1/2 years now for over a year.  In that time I met this wonderful girl and thought I fell in love, and she loves me. But I have THE BPD EX who is seductive, and sexy, and has it all on my mind and that's ruining it.  The BPD ex has been engaged 4 times, married 3 , no friends, distant to her family and I mean everyone, except her kids.  Good mom.  Yes, she rages, out of control at the anytime without warning and then the next day, can be very loving, but not always.  Break ups, too many to count.  I am not young and either is she.  I am 63 she is 61, but very well built with several surgeries etc.  (Part of the attraction but not all)

Anyway, I have this wonderful girl who is nice, pretty, and very well adjusted.  I am so lucky, and my family and friends just love her.   I must missed the commotion and push and pull I guess.  So, I was so tempted to call my exBPD  today, and do it tomorrow.  5 months ago she was dying to go back, and told me how sorry she was and she was a bhit, and so unkind and cruel and pushed me away.  (I caught her on a dating site, and she refused to get off, even though we were exclusive , telling me, no one tells her what to do or say)  Yeah, so I left, my second time but how stupid am I to want a person like this, back in my life that cares only for themselves.  But the pull is so tremendous, and I never felt like this ever.  Sure, I missed my wife, and that took time as well.  Hopefully, I can learn from that, even though my ex wanted me bad several times too.  Longer story. 

Then to make matters worst, I went on my Ex BPD her site today , zoomed in on one of the male pictures, that were on her site for sometime, and she is most likely dating this guy who is younger about 55, as she has flattering him on his site like crazy.  This guy has tons of money as well.  Not all that good looking but he thinks so, Perfect for her, she never can have enough of that, the money, that's how she got her money.  Two very rich husbands, I was not.  Go figure.

The last communication we had was texting on a Friday nite in Feb.  Since then nothing so I know she is in her Stage 1 (adoration) , and I know I just stabbed myself in the stomach by being consumed with her, and then going on her site.  But what worst, I know deep down, she is who she is, and as nice as she acts now, (when I met her she was doing all these charitable things, and going to church,etc but that stopped pretty quickly)  whether with me or him, its going to be bad.  Well he might last longer  since money is not a problem for him, he'll spend it on her I think, and she is so so into money.  So that's very soothing I am sure to her. 

Anyway, I am on the hamster wheel and I desperately need to get off, (it is like a drug and an addiction, I recognize that) but now I don't know how to get off, as I just reinjured myself , and more important I am trying not to let this ruin my relationship with a wonderful women, and when we are together, it so very nice, and loving good, and sweet.  It's going to if it continues, since, my mind has to be focus on her, not the other. 

I guess, like most, I miss that smoking hot feeling, and I need to get into reality about that.   I was married for 34 years, she left, and I fell right into the frying pan and had a taste of smoking hot, and of course, even crazy rages, though I didn't like it , where accepted after the smoke cleared.  I don't think there is a magic potion, and I tell myself, maybe I need to go back to see, and surely she won't leave the gold mine she has, but even if I do, then that kills it for me, and my new love, and that, is a big motivating force, because I feel bad enough even thinking about anyone else.   

I just tired of letting myself be controlled and missing life. This really hurts and it stinks.  I have been going to counseling with a person experienced in BPD relationships.  She has one guy begging her to tell her how to cope better with his BPD, even though she almost pushed him off a balcony.  So maybe it's us NON-BPD that are nuts.   

Thanks for reading, and any words of wisdom is welcome.  I will pray to God for release of this addiction!

[AwakenedOne]

Anyway, I have this wonderful girl who is nice, pretty, and very well adjusted.  I am so lucky, and my family and friends just love her.   I must missed the commotion and push and pull I guess.  So, I was so tempted to call my exBPD  today, and do it tomorrow.

Re-read this... . ?... .  

Thanks for reading, and any words of wisdom is welcome.

Stay with the wonderful girl. Do the right thing man. Your life though. A lot of people here would like to meet a girl like that to forget the hell they have been through with their BPD ex. Value her and pick her is my advice. Just my 2 cents worth.

AO

[LettingGo14]

I'll take a crack at helping sort through where you are tonight, because I have been there myself.  I'm going to share a number of tactics I use personally -- not to tell you what to do, only to give you some options.

Posting here is always my first step when feeling triggered, or tempted, or lost.   I'm going to use some quotes of yours solely because I've said these things to myself, and I'm going to share what I've "tried" in those times.

I have THE BPD EX who is seductive, and sexy, and has it all on my mind and that's ruining it.

Today, in my yard, I saw a garden that my ex-girlfriend planted last year starting to flower.  In my mind I was triggered.  I took a photo of the garden, and contemplated sending it, because part of me longs for her.

But, I paused.  I felt the feelings instead, and there was a twinge of longing mixed with big dose of sadness.  I remembered the mantra I have been telling myself, "detachment leads to freedom."  And I let myself grieve the loss of the relationship I wanted (which, in truth, was not the relationship I actually had... . )

Anyway, I have this wonderful girl who is nice, pretty, and very well adjusted.  I am so lucky, and my family and friends just love her.   I must missed the commotion and push and pull I guess.  So, I was so tempted to call my exBPD  today, and do it tomorrow. 

I am learning to challenge my thoughts with questions.  I splash cold water on my face.  Why do I circle areas of my life where I have suffered?  What was my part in the drama?  What do I truly value?  How do I "unhook" myself from the 10 Things That Keep Us Stuck?

I write the questions and answers and e-mail them to myself.

Anyway, I am on the hamster wheel and I desperately need to get off, (it is like a drug and an addiction, I recognize that) but now I don't know how to get off, as I just reinjured myself , and more important I am trying not to let this ruin my relationship with a wonderful women, and when we are together, it so very nice, and loving good, and sweet.  It's going to if it continues, since, my mind has to be focus on her, not the other. 

Rumination (or repetitive thought) occurs when our minds want to resolve something.  We define what we value.   You clearly value your new relationship, and do not want to jeopardize it.  

This is when I go to the Wise Mind thread.

This is when I dig deep to try to practice meditation.

I just tired of letting myself be controlled and missing life. This really hurts and it stinks.  I have been going to counseling with a person experienced in BPD relationships. 

So maybe it's us NON-BPD that are nuts.   

I will pray to God for release of this addiction!

When I thought I was nuts, (and I did), I prayed to God. When I prayed to God, (and I did), I found this site.  When I was tired of missing life, (and I did), I found techniques here to take control of "me" again.  

Keep reading, and posting --  "detachment leads to freedom" --->

We're glad you're here.

[outside9x]

Thanks AwakenedOne  & LettingGo14,

The question I keep asking myself, and you might know is, why does it take every ounce I have to stay away, when it seems the easy thing, the natural thing is to do what your mind tells us?  It puzzles me,.  Like I am actually going against what I want and love.

I thought of this, and the only solution I could come up with is we are as you said, thinking the relationship (for some reason is going to be or is better than it is?  I know I am not lonely.

The other possible reason is, it is an addition, and compulsive drive to be with someone who is very bad for us emotionally and physically, yet we can't stay away, like a heroin addict who sees his friends drop like flies, but can resist, having the feeling once again inside him. 

It must be chemical, and I (we) make all accuses to rush back to ease the pain, and feel the feeling until the next slashing attack or weird accusation happens.   

Never knew this could be so powerful where you are will after many break up and things happening the same way, to go back just to be with them.  Like they hold the secret to your happiness.   You can't and don't want to live without them.  They make you feel alive and on top!'

Thanks, very down and sad but hoping I get through this one too.  Oh yeah, now in my mind I tell myself because she is a little older, and this hurt her too, she be better.   Wondering if that's true.

[NickM]

Hi Outside9x,

Forgive me but I tend to explain myself best using metaphors.

Imagine your relationship with exBPD is a race, where she is the vehicle and you are the driver. On a good day, the vehicle can outperform any others on the track. Early in your career there was likely many good days and you felt victorious in your relationship. Suddenly, your vehicle becomes unreliable. You can't even finish a race because of so many failures, the moment you replace one part, another breaks. Your vehicle is likely to make it seem to others that the driver is at fault. You work tirelessly to be on the podium again. Maybe there's days you can still get there, but it isn't the same feeling as it was in the beginning. Now it takes a lot of maintenance and you can't trust your vehicle won't let you down.

So you leave the team. You look for a more stable partner. Your new vehicle performs almost exactly how you think it should and there is a clear understanding of any issues. With all the safety features built in to your new ride you feel like there's no longer thrill in racing. For you, the challenge is no longer about winning the race (a successful relationship in this metaphor), the challenge is to be able to tame your previous vehicle (control her BPD and protect your boundaries). Especially now you better understand what safety features were missing, you might even think there's a chance you can safely return to your earlier glory.

The reality is, those early races in your career were fixed. You were running on nitro where no one else was and looked down on the rest of the pack, because by comparison (despite you being on nitro) the rest of the pack seemed pretty slow. No match for you and your vehicle. Together the two of you were going to be amazing.

What can we learn from this:

The start of a BPD relationship is supercharged and is so because it plays above the rules of a healthy relationship. It further feels like it is truly amazing because together you compare yourselves (very favorably) to other couples.

Your behavior in a relationship becomes less about striving for a healthy relationship and more concerned on restoring the former greatness and gaining control back from your BPD partner. Now that you're wired this way it feels something is missing in your current relationship (rightly so!)

I'd like to hear your thoughts on what you require from a relationship, what matters to you and lastly what qualities would your partner need to ensure you can have this?

Best wishes,

Nick

[outside9x]

Hi Nick,

Wow, so well done, and perfect good analogy, and I do like them and can related like classic cars etc, but anyway, yes, pretty spot on running on nitro and no other feeling in the world, and you like that winning feeling the power at the pedal. 

And then ever move you make starts turning bad, and your car is highly critical of you and your maneuverers, either may or not made.  Now on some days, you don't even want to get near the car and want to walk away, but you remember the thrills and how you and the car were number one when together.  No other feeling was ,like that before.

I used to think I would require from my relationship, someone that 1st I am attracted too, physically/emotionally, and then someone who will like to do the things I do, or I would like the things she does.  Where talking and having fun, can make each other laugh, and still enjoy kissing her lips, and looking in to her face and eyes.   Holding hands and caring about each other, and to do things for each other.   Important- to love her, and her to love, and for me to feel I love her is important.  Now that I had a taste of this high revving machine, by mind and body craves to go back to it, like that's what I need, though most of the time, me and the car will be in the garage, not racing.  I know that.  So, I sort of replaced what I originally want with the chance of high octane knowing that it will fail me and cause me grief.  But I think maybe we both can fix it to run somewhat better.  Both cars are older, and at this stage it's going to be more about things in the garage, and not at the race track but I still enjoy the fast speed.  That's the troubling things . 

[NickM]

It sounds like your not convinced or haven't reconciled the differences between what you want and what you need in a relationship. I worry for you. It's your journey but it sounds as though you are on the edge of the BPD dance floor waiting for the moment to waltz back in.

I don't know how to link to the articles here but there are some great ones to help you define what a healthy r/s is. I guess you're at a stage where, like eating healthy, it sounds good and practical but is so damn boring.

Love to read your further reflection on how you think you could get a level of excitement within the confines of your new/healthy relationship? Have you explored situations where both if you are outside of your comfort zones?

[pinkparchment]

I'm in the same situation, 9x. I wonder if I'll ever stop missing my ex. I have a great, stable partner but can't. stop. thinking. about my ex. I know you're being encouraged to choose your current girlfriend, but from experience, I had to examine whether or not my sane partner deserved to be with someone who is always thinking of/longing for someone else. That nice girl doesn't deserve that, so if you can't let go of your ex at least let your current woman find someone who can't stop thinking about HER.