Home page of BPDFamily.com, online relationship supportMember registration here
December 01, 2021, 03:52:09 PM *
Welcome, Guest. Please login or register.

Login with username, password and session length
Board Admins: Harri, Once Removed
Senior Ambassadors: Cat Familiar, I Am Redeemed, Mutt, Turkish
  Help!   Boards   Please Donate Login to Post New?--Click here to register  
bing
Survey: How do you compare?
Adult Children Sensitivity
67% are highly sensitive
Romantic Break-ups
73% have five or more recycles
Physical Hitting
66% of members were hit
Depression Test
61% of members are moderate-severe
108
Pages: [1]   Go Down
  Print  
Author Topic: Reeling again... please help...  (Read 1646 times)
willy45
Formerly "johnnyorganic", "rjh45", "SurferDude"
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 762



« on: April 12, 2014, 09:57:08 PM »

Hi All,

I know. I'm ruminating. It isn't good. So, hoping that posting here might help.

My current thoughts revolve around not wanting to be friends with my ex. I've done some really stupid things this week. I called a couple of our mutual friends for advice. They are more her friends than mine and I feel kind of guilty about it. But I was just hoping to see if they could help or something. I was really good friends with both them, one of them I was friends with and introduced her to my ex. The other I was friends with separately from my ex. I just didn't stay in touch with them because I figured they were the turf of my ex. They hadn't really ever heard my side of the story and I was just wondering if maybe they could help her not contact me or something. I know. Stupid. It has just been 2 years of this and it is making me insane. I don't know why I'm feeling this way. I was doing really well. I was hoping to see if I could talk to them if they would be able to help or at least listen. I'm not really sure what I was looking for. I certainly wasn't trying to malign my ex or anything. Just wanted to present my side of the story so that if they ever heard her speaking of me or whatever that maybe they could steer her towards not contacting me.

God. I feel like such a screwed up looser. I feel kind of guilty for having called them. The first friend I called totally validated some of things she had witnessed and felt bad that she hadn't talked to me about them. The second friend told me she hadn't realized that my ex was contacting me and that she did talk about me sometimes but mostly about how I call her and express my undying love for her but that she doesn't want to be with me. (I guess that is partially true... . but totally out of context. I did tell her that when we talk I go into a fantasy world where I we are in love and that it hurt me to end to have to keep reliving it over and over again in an effort to have her stop calling me... . Knowing about BPD freaks me out now because I know that is the complete opposite of what I should have done).

Sent an email to my ex a few days ago telling her that I can't be friends with her, that it hurt too much, and that if she really wanted to grant me a wish of friendship that she would not contact me anymore. It was pretty direct. Wasn't mean. Wasn't accusatory. I just needed to draw a fresh line in the sand. But feel ___ty about it. Like I am a little kid that is acting out. I'm so messed up right now.

F. F. F. F. F. F.

I HATE FEELING THIS WAY. I FEEL COMPLETELY MENTAL. I was doing so well before I talked to her. Now I am completely spiraling again. I'm so worried I'm going to loose everything that I worked so hard to build up.
Logged
AwakenedOne
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 776



« Reply #1 on: April 12, 2014, 10:48:18 PM »

Sent an email to my ex a few days ago telling her that I can't be friends with her, that it hurt too much, and that if she really wanted to grant me a wish of friendship that she would not contact me anymore. It was pretty direct. Wasn't mean. Wasn't accusatory. I just needed to draw a fresh line in the sand. But feel ___ty about it. Like I am a little kid that is acting out. I'm so messed up right now.

Hey Willy,

You were brave and set a new boundary of NC with her. To me that's the highlight of the week. Congrats, you should be proud of making that step.

I understand your other actions also. You really cared or care about this person and any contact with them is toxic to you. You reached out for any help at all for it to end. She possibly might be bothered that you contacted the friends but don't sweat it. Love is a complex thing. Trying to simply have peace in your life now is a thing you deserve. When we love a person with BPD we get a ton of grief as an added unfortunate bonus. Maybe someday they will sell BPD detectors at Radio Shack we can get for $9.99 to avoid all of this. Your awesome man, just remember your the sane one.

Rock On Brother, Being cool (click to insert in post)

AO
Logged
willy45
Formerly "johnnyorganic", "rjh45", "SurferDude"
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 762



« Reply #2 on: April 13, 2014, 12:52:34 AM »

Hey man,

Thanks so much. I really appreciate it. I'm not sure what I was looking for in contacting the second friend of hers. The first friend I contacted witnessed one of her meltdowns and I was seeking some validation that I wasn't crazy. Her second friend I know she listens to (and the second friend was originally my friend) so I guess I was hoping that if I told her she could somehow subtly relay the message about not contacting.

I just don't understand how after almost two years, she still has this impact on me. I really don't. I have no idea why I thought it would be a good idea to agree to talk to her. I have no idea why I did that. I was panicking the whole time. And I have no interest in ever talking to her again so don't know why I told her I loved her and that contact with her hurt me. I guess I was trying to speak the truth to her. Her second friend mentioned that the only thing she heard from my ex recently is that I contacted her and declared my undying love to her. AGGGGG! I mean, I guess I did in  a way, but it was only to get rid of her, to try to get her to understand why it hurt me so much that she always contact me.

I am so stupid. Why haven't I learned yet?

Logged
willy45
Formerly "johnnyorganic", "rjh45", "SurferDude"
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 762



« Reply #3 on: April 13, 2014, 01:03:58 AM »

Oh... . and I'm not worried about them telling my ex. We all agreed that it would be really bad for them to do that and I asked specifically for them not to say anything. So, I'm not worried about that. That won't happen.

I guess I just feel an incredible amount of shame that I felt the need to resort to this, to seek validation from one of her friends and seek a defense strategy from the other. I don't know. I'm just done. I'm out of ideas. I know about detaching. I get that. I was detaching. I wasn't completely detached, obviously. But detaching is a process.

Having the person who you are trying to detach from constantly needling you is difficult, no? I just feel now that she could just pop up at any time with a friend request. I mean, it has happened constantly for the past two years. Emails. Phone calls. Friend requests on LinkedIn. Constant. This is just making me absolutely insane. It is like I tried to get away from this abusive person and she still takes up so much space in my brain. I hate it. I want to my brain to stop.
Logged
AwakenedOne
******
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 776



« Reply #4 on: April 13, 2014, 02:00:23 AM »

Having the person who you are trying to detach from constantly needling you is difficult, no?

I agree. I get how you want your space and she doesn't respect it. Looks like she didn't respond to the text you sent telling her not to contact you again. That's cool, maybe she will leave you in peace now. I didn't understand why she said your her best friend yet she was miserable with you and that you were mean.
Logged
willy45
Formerly "johnnyorganic", "rjh45", "SurferDude"
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 762



« Reply #5 on: April 13, 2014, 02:19:42 AM »

Aggg. Sorry. Just venting here. No need to respond. Just a place for me to write stuff. I hope that is OK.

The thing that pissed me off so much about talking to her friend is the way she characterized me as declaring my undying love for her. The F'd up thing is that I can totally see how she would think that. I am such an idiot for thinking I could have an honest, real conservation with her about what I was feeling. Why in the world would I think that? That has never happened before. Why would it happen again?

The path I started on in the conversation was asking her what she wanted by calling me. I guess a part of me wanted to hear her say she wanted to be with me. But that was just ego talking. I had no intention of getting back together with her. But I also wanted to know more about what she meant by 'friendship'. She told me she was seeing someone else and would never get back together with me. I told her I had no interest in being friends with her because every time she called me, it put me into a fantasy land that I know isn't real and that it really hurt me. The point that I was trying to make was that I didn't want to do this anymore. I HAVE NO IDEA WHAT HAPPENED NEXT. I really don't. Maybe this is why I'm feeling so f'ed up right now. Instead of just saying that and her saying "So you don't want to be my friend", I should have said, "Correct." But what I said was that it wasn't that I didn't want to be her friend, it was just that being friends with her really hurt me and her contact made me not able to eat or sleep and it was making me sick. She then went into all the reasons why she couldn't be with me and asked me why I thought I we could be together. Oh my lord. I was not ready for that question. Obviously a question that I have thought about. I just didn't expect it to go there. I was trying to tell her that I couldn't be friends with her. Her question caught me off guard so I just told her that I have done a lot of counciling and work on myself and have learned a lot about the kind of relationship we had (I didn't mention BPD) and that I think that maybe if we worked at it could work. But, my brain was still thinking that what I was telling her was in the context of the conversation I wanted to have which was explaining to her why it hurt me to have her contact me. GOD DANN IT. She asked me if I wasn't just living in a fantasy world. (MOTHER F*CKER... . THAT WAS EXACTLY WHAT I WAS TRYING TO TELL YOU).

My brain just froze. I don't really remember what happened next. But, somehow I was telling her that I would always love her and want to be with her but that I would try to be friends. GOOD LORD. WHY DID I DO THAT! I DIDN'T EVEN MEAN IT.

And then she goes off and tells all her friends about how I just declared my undying love for her but that she wasn't interested and that it was too bad we couldn't be friends.

GOD. I HATE THIS. THAT WAS NOT WHAT I INTENDED TO SAY. I HAD NO INTEREST IN EVEN TALKING TO HER. I NEVER REACHED OUT TO HER TO STOP NC. Somehow I found those words just coming out of my mouth. I F*CKING HATE THIS.

Why do I expect empathy from someone who doesn't have any? Why did I choose a route to play towards her sense of empathy when I have experienced over and over again her lack of empathy for me. She hates me. She loves me. She hates me. I do the same. It is like I'm a yo yo when I'm around her. I just loose my control.

I was doing so well before this incident. I was able to set clearer boundaries with those around me. And it was working great. I felt more confident. More able to move forward in life.

I guess with her, it is a whole different beast. Too much history. Too much learned behavior. And as others have said on this board, if there is no real change in her, if she doesn't recognize the need to change, then what's her motivation to change? None. It isn't going to happen. And a friendship of any kind can't just be a one way street.

Logged
willy45
Formerly "johnnyorganic", "rjh45", "SurferDude"
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 762



« Reply #6 on: April 13, 2014, 02:23:34 AM »

Yeah. Thanks man.

She has not responded. I specifically told her to not contact me as an act of friendship.

I think she got exactly what she wanted out of this episode. She wanted to know I was still on the hook and still cared about her deeply. And that was it. I have no idea where this 'you are my best friend in the world/I was the most miserable I have ever been in my life when I was with you/just don't be mean to me' stuff comes from. I have no idea. I guess that is why I am so confused too. It's like my brain is trying to understand everything that went down. I don't really care about what was going on her brain. Whatever. Did it effect her? Did it not? WHO KNOWS. What I'm more concerned about is what is going on in my brain. I want it to stop.
Logged
Mutt
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10332



WWW
« Reply #7 on: April 13, 2014, 02:31:33 AM »

Hi willy45,

Don't beat yourself up. You feel bad for contacting her friends. It's alright, we all do something that we're not happy with. That's where you need to self soothe. It is what it is.

You said her friends are her turf, you didn't have bad intentions reaching out to them. I eventually stopped talking to any mutual friends, I didn't explain my position to my exes family and friends, if they want to know then ask me. Don't justify, don't defend. I would also not talk to them, because talking about ex triggered me. I needed space, away from the drama.

Don't feel bad for telling her you need space, you were honest, set a boundary, things that are hard at first, but get easier each time that you do them. What do you do to distract yourself when you feel like this? I like to take walks to clear my mind.

Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Dog biscuit
***
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 193


« Reply #8 on: April 13, 2014, 04:13:43 AM »

My brain just froze. I don't really remember what happened next. But, somehow I was telling her that I would always love her and want to be with her but that I would try to be friends. GOOD LORD. WHY DID I DO THAT! I DIDN'T EVEN MEAN IT.

And then she goes off and tells all her friends about how I just declared my undying love for her but that she wasn't interested and that it was too bad we couldn't be friends.

GOD. I HATE THIS. THAT WAS NOT WHAT I INTENDED TO SAY. I HAD NO INTEREST IN EVEN TALKING TO HER. I NEVER REACHED OUT TO HER TO STOP NC. Somehow I found those words just coming out of my mouth. I F*CKING HATE THIS.

Why do I expect empathy from someone who doesn't have any? Why did I choose a route to play towards her sense of empathy when I have experienced over and over again her lack of empathy for me. She hates me. She loves me. She hates me. I do the same. It is like I'm a yo yo when I'm around her. I just loose my control.

I was doing so well before this incident. I was able to set clearer boundaries with those around me. And it was working great. I felt more confident. More able to move forward in life.

Hey Willy,

Dont beat yourself up, calm down and be gentle for yourself. Contact with her or mutual friends seems to be a trigger for you, and you get caught up in the dramacycle once again.

You did a pretty good job removing yourself from that dramacycle, you can do it again!

It looks like you are experiencing some sort of delayed grieving proces, only this time you will have to go straight trough it and deal with the emotional turmoil the r/s brought up.

You can do it!

Have you thought of a way to protect yourself against triggering stuff?

Be gentle for yourself, the panic will calm down. 
Logged
Cardinals in Flight
formerly NurseRatchet
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 652



« Reply #9 on: April 13, 2014, 07:50:57 AM »

Willy,

I can totally relate to the place that you inhabit right now.  Here's a little tough love from someone who has BTDT!  You're trying to make sense of the "senseless", trying to (subconsciencely perhaps) control some kind of far fetched outcome.  Get out of the house, back away from the computer or other electronic device, go drive in the country side with your windows rolled down and some kind of non triggering music blasting, then? Scream LOUD, obscenities even, cry, really really cry and think about the horrible treatment you did not deserve... . After that? Focus. On. You.!  Imagine today and what it looks like with a happy willy, (that sounded kinda perverse, but you get it right?), what can you do today just for you? Shift, it's all about a shift of focus onto us and what makes us the person we are, and know we can be WITHOUT, the toxicity of the pwBPD in our lives.  Good things are out there, have faith.  It takes a while, but theres a gift these folks gave us, it's to heal from our old crap, know that we ARE spectacular people or we wouldn't have been so desired, or latched on to.

I am all about acknowledging feelings and getting them out, if we don't they fester, which is really why we are in this spot, it's old stuff not felt from long ago.   Feel it, say to yourself, "I gave it ten minutes I'm gonna dry up and do something... . ".  You can always be sad, and cry or whatever for another ten minutes in a different time.   

Keep putting one foot in front of the other, breathe deeply and notice your surroundings, grab the door for someone, pet a dog or cat, do your dead level best to get outside your head, it's not a good place right now, and the longer you stay there the harder it's going to be to get out!  I know how badly you hurt, I do too.  But I'll be damned if I'm going to waste another gorgeous day giving the person who caused me so much harm anymore of my time.  We all get there in our own time, I get that too, I'm just giving you a lil swift pat,

If you're a person of faith? It's Holy Week, a time for renewal, new beginnings and starting over, let's do this thing, ok?  I'm right there with you!

CiF
Logged
babyducks
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2704



« Reply #10 on: April 13, 2014, 08:28:38 AM »

Why in the world would I think that?

GOOD LORD. WHY DID I DO THAT! I DIDN'T EVEN MEAN IT.

Why do I expect empathy from someone who doesn't have any?

I am so stupid. Why haven't I learned yet?

Hi Willy,

I like your questions.  I ask them of myself all the time.   Or the variant of why can't I get over this r/s already?  Why am I so hooked on this woman?

What I am finding out is that my EX's disorder and my own emotional traits lined up perfectly to create an almost perfect storm of Really Bad Sh!t.

Because my partner's behavior was often so very over the top dramatic and damaging it was frequently easier to concentrate on what she was doing rather than on why I was so reactive to it.

I just recently had contact with my EX and the very predictable dynamic played out the way you pretty much described.   And I was left reeling and confused and digging myself back out of my self imposed hole.   Took me a couple of weeks.

The good news is that each time I revisit these issues I learn a little more.   And this time I have been able to turn the focus squarely on me.  Why AM I doing what I am doing and feeling what I feel?

This time around I have gathered some insights into ME, some one I always put second in the r/s, in the breakup and in the healing after the r/s.

I have been helped a great deal by the book "Stop Caretaking the Borderline or Narcissist - How to End the Drama and Get on with Life" written by Margalis Fjelstad.

I could quote you a line from nearly every page in the book but that would be plagiarism.   Smiling (click to insert in post)

Fjelstad wrote "You developed in the opposite direction of the BP/NP.  You became overly responsible and caring for others.  You also became vulnerable to overdoing, overworrying, and being overwhelmed in intimate relationships.  Unlike the BP/NP you find it hard to identify your anger and often act passively in situations where you need to stand up for yourself."

I have come to believe what others here before me have said over and over.  There is always a childhood template for attraction to the borderline personality disordered individual.

It has taken me a long time to be able to accept that statement.   Time to let the pain of the demise of the relationship die down, time to learn and grow myself.

Today is the 1 year anniversary of the abrupt end of my relationship.  And what a year it has been.  I so very wanted to be "over" this that I allocated a year to recover and than promptly beat the Bullet: comment directed to __ (click to insert in post)#$% out of myself for not accomplishing that goal.

A year ago today my EX and I were engaged in another raucous circular argument.  It was the same old argument.   And I am pretty sure you know what I mean by that.   Smiling (click to insert in post) 

I had been working on learning the skill of stopping circular conversations.   This time I didn't.  I was sure I was going to communicate with her and I was certain that this time I was going to keep my cool.  I take a great deal of pride in keeping my cool regardless of the provocation because I learned early on that is what mature people did.

She said something mean and outrageous.  I snapped.   As I was walking out the door in my rage, humiliation, hurt and frustration I threw a punch at the wall shattering my hand.   Surgery put my hand back together and it works well today.   

Breaking my hand was the catalyst that has forced me to take a very hard look at myself.   And when I am uncomfortable, upset, and reeling, that is a sign for me to take another long look at myself.

I will you luck in your recovery.

'ducks

Logged

What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.
willy45
Formerly "johnnyorganic", "rjh45", "SurferDude"
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 762



« Reply #11 on: April 13, 2014, 09:05:34 AM »

Thanks all.

I guess I'm really worried that there is something majorly wrong with me. I have been NC for a year and was doing well. Not 100%, but well enough to not be thinking about ex all the time and moving forward in life in a really positive direction. I was seeing things that were really good and the contacts I was making were great. I was really enjoying my work and having some fun times with friends. Like I said, I wasn't 100% good. But, I would say, 70%.

Now I'm at about 10%. I feel so humiliated and ashamed. I feel like a recovering drug addict that fell off the bandwagon and have to start from day 0 again. So ___ing stupid. I didn't even WANT to talk to her. I could feel the panic setting in when I picked up the phone to call her back. It just rushed in. The panic. The pain. And once I got off the phone, I was a mess again. Confused as to what her words meant. Confused about what she wanted. I totally forgot what I wanted in all of this. Went back to the same old script. I was terrified that I would go back to her. TERRIFIED. Like my life would be over.

I guess the good news is I had to wherewithal to stop it in its tracks. I don't care what anyone says. I know what this reaching out was about. It was about Triangulation. I know this. The way she was talking to me, in hindsight, was just that. Saying things like: "Nobody cares what I have to say, You are the only person who the world who understands me." And on and on like that. That isn't something that someone says to someone who just wants to be 'friends'. At least I had the wherewithal to ask her dead straight what it was that she wanted. And I just got a gut reaction of fear when I found the answer. She was just using me. Again.

And you are all right. Why do I feel this way about it? Why can't I just be like... . what a crazy b*tch and run around like a mad person trying to find answers and resolution. I guess I need to find out. I really thought I had come a long way. I guess not.

AG. I feel like such a stupid idiot. I knew that there was no good outcome to any of this. I would never ever want to get back together with my ex without her having done some serious therapy. That is NEVER going to happen.

F. IT.
Logged
just_confused

*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 31



« Reply #12 on: April 13, 2014, 09:35:08 AM »

You are not stupid. You are not an idiot. You, like me, got sucked in and are having a hard time letting go. You, like me, are trying to understand someone who doesn't think, react and love like a normal person. Don't beat yourself up. Go for a ride like someone suggested. Yell, cry, get it out. You seem to be like me in that you are having a hard time letting go. It is so hard. I want to talk to him, I want him to text me, but I know I can't because of the emotional aftermath. I have a second appointment with my therapist tomorrow. Have you thought of therapy? It may help you process through this. You deserve to be treated better. Don't let this destroy you. Then she wins.
Logged
Mutt
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10332



WWW
« Reply #13 on: April 13, 2014, 10:22:54 AM »

Hey willy45,

You're not stupid. Don't be hard on yourself. Look at it this way. You had an urge, you contacted her, you were triggered.

You felt 100%, this made you come down to 10%.

Don't undervalue yourself over this,, you stumbled. Everyone stumbles when they are recovering. I have done the same thing, my ex triggers me. Try changing  something the next time you get an urge. Call a friend. Go out for a walk. Go for a drive. Go to a movie. Go to the gym. Go to a pool for a swim. Find something that takes your mind off of it, a distraction, something that works for you. Try to do it before you 're tempted to call her, it will pass, then you don't triggered.

Tell yourself if you do get triggered "I'm not proud that I gave in, I didn't feel good after talking to her, it was a slip up, but you know what, I'm a good person with good qualities, this is just an incident, it will pass."

It is what it is, it was what it was.

I see willy45 trying, not someone stupid. Give yourself credit.

I did work with a counselor and a psychologist after the breakup. I felt I got hit by a 18 wheeler, knocked off of my feet by my ex when we broke up. But that's just me. Are you seeing a therapist or psychologist? It did wonders for me to move forward.
Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Clearmind
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 5519



« Reply #14 on: April 13, 2014, 02:49:43 PM »

Willy, start turning the focus on you! Picking up the magnifying glass on this relationship and her is not helping or getting you towards detaching.

Something needs to change because it's not working!

Logged

willy45
Formerly "johnnyorganic", "rjh45", "SurferDude"
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 762



« Reply #15 on: April 13, 2014, 02:49:53 PM »

Yeah. I'm seeing a T. I worked with him before and will do some more work now. I don't feel bad for contacting her. I feel bad for responding to her contact. I guess there is a bit of a difference there. I have been NC and never once initiated contact. So, I'm good there. I never have to urge to call her or text her as long as I have created that boundary. That is good. What I feel bad about is not protecting it. Most of the time I do. Just once in a while, I don't. And there is absolute h*ll to pay. And yes. I've been going on and on about how much easier it would be if she respected it. But that's the whole entire reason that I left. She could not respect my boundaries. Didn't give a ___. So, I need to stop complaining about why she breaks my boundaries. Of course it would be easier. But, this isn't easy for a reason and that reason is that my ex is mentally unwell, volatile, with no capacity for empathy. The part of her that was good was the best ever. And I still love that part. But the bad was terrible. The worst. And that is no way that I would want to live and no way that I would want to have my children be around, should I be lucky enough to have any.
Logged
willy45
Formerly "johnnyorganic", "rjh45", "SurferDude"
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 762



« Reply #16 on: April 13, 2014, 02:54:05 PM »

Thanks Clearmind.

Yes. I am now at that stage. I think I need to change my thinking about what is wrong with me and rather what can I learn from this?

1) I cannot control myself around my ex. She truly plays to my weaknesses with the idealization and the guilt. So, I need to not engage and probably change my phone number.

2) I do need to look at my own life and change what it is that is making me so unhappy that I would be willing to jeopardize it all for my ex. (Yes. Having any contact with my ex jeapordizes my ENTIRE life. I own my own business, I am trying to get more serious with a woman friend of mine, all my friends are SICK of hearing about this, my family too, if I were to EVER go back to her, I would loose my friends, my family, my business, my sanity, my self-esteem. Everything). So, what it is in my life that I so unhappy with that I am willing to do that? And what can I do to change THAT.

Is this what you mean?
Logged
Mutt
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10332



WWW
« Reply #17 on: April 13, 2014, 03:04:05 PM »

You said you have been at it this for 2 years. There is no recipe for this, but I agree with Clearmind, something has to change.

You broke NC, I've done it. Isn't saying it's forever a pretty tall order? Pretty difficult to accomplish something in that context.

Be gentle on yourself, forgive yourself, have you read about radical acceptance? It helped me with getting over anxiety, guilt over things that I can't control. I use it in everyday life situations.

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=89910.0

Where do you think you could apply this, in your thread with the things you posted? I can see several. How many do you see? How many members can help and see where this tool can be useful?

Hang in there.

- Mutt

Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
willy45
Formerly "johnnyorganic", "rjh45", "SurferDude"
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 762



« Reply #18 on: April 13, 2014, 04:50:38 PM »

Yeah. Thanks for that. Did stuff today and feeling better. I got sucked in and it hurt. But realized two important things today.

1) I dont want to get back together with her. It would seriously destroy me. If she thinks I love her until the end of time and thats what she needs to think, so be it. Doesnt change anything in my world. So, who cares if I said stupid things. Im not dealing with a normal human.

2) I definitely dont want to be friends. Why subject myself to this torture? That would be really stupid.
Logged
Clearmind
Retired Staff
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 5519



« Reply #19 on: April 13, 2014, 08:42:48 PM »

Begin by looking at your family of origin. We all learn our relationship skills from our parents. Your therapist can help you facilitate those memories and guide you 

How was life as a youngster Willy? Emotionally validating?

Start there. The answer does not lie in masking emotions with work, new relationship, guilt, changing your number or simply trying to block contact. There is something, a reason, why we connect with someone with BPD, stay then cannot detach. The that reason and dig deep.
Logged

babyducks
********
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Gay, lesb
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 2704



« Reply #20 on: April 14, 2014, 05:02:04 AM »

Willy,

I started to feel less vulnerable to the dynamic between myself and my EX when I began to identify, or perhaps I should say demystify why I was attracted, why I struggled to detach, and why the potential was there for such deep wounds for me.

It was kind of a forest through the trees thing.   Its hard to see.   And for me it came in small glimmers. 

Accepting the reason why, as Clearmind said
Excerpt
There is something, a reason, why we connect with someone with BPD, stay, then cannot detach.



gave me some peace around this entire bitter experience.

I am sure you will get there.   Be kind to yourself.   It takes time.   

'ducks

Logged

What lies behind us and what lies ahead of us are tiny matters compared to what lives within us.
willy45
Formerly "johnnyorganic", "rjh45", "SurferDude"
******
Offline Offline

What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Posts: 762



« Reply #21 on: April 14, 2014, 07:32:43 AM »

 

I am feeling better today. Thank you all so much for your support. My ex is still front of mind but breathing is helping and not judging myself.

I realized yesterday that I am not dealing with a normal human being here. And I never will. I am a trusting person and expect others to respect how I feel and show kindness in return. I realize that my ex will never do that and so I must deal with her in a different way than I would deal with others. For me, she is toxic. There is no reconciliation possible of any type. Her request to have her 'best friend' back is ludicrous and not based on anything other than just wanted to hurt me or use me, to instill more pain and blame. This is clear to me now. She may not think that but she has never had any control over her emotions or behavior. So, the wall must come up again.

I did some fun stuff yesterday and that really helped. All the longing was replaced with the truth. She is an angry, hurt, helpless, emotionally stunted, empathetically challenged, emotional bully. That is the truth. And that is not going to change unless she gets some serious help. Her denial is so huge and overwhelming that seeking help will never come. And I don't want any part of that in my life. I'm done.

Now I need to focus on what it is in my life that needs to change in order for me to be happy and how to heal myself so that I don't fall prey to this anymore.

Thanks all. Really. I'm sure I will spin out of control again. But, for now, I see the light at the end of the tunnel. 
Logged
Cardinals in Flight
formerly NurseRatchet
*****
Offline Offline

Gender: Female
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Posts: 652



« Reply #22 on: April 14, 2014, 10:12:14 AM »

I'm glad you are better! :D. It takes as long as it takes, different for all of us, I'm doing it too.

Sigh, it sucks too!

Keep. On. Truckin!  Doing the right thing (click to insert in post)

CiF

Logged
Mutt
Senior Ambassador
*
Offline Offline

Gender: Male
What is your sexual orientation: Straight
Who in your life has "personality" issues: Ex-romantic partner
Relationship status: Divorced Oct 2015
Posts: 10332



WWW
« Reply #23 on: April 14, 2014, 11:38:50 AM »

Thanks all. Really. I'm sure I will spin out of control again. But, for now, I see the light at the end of the tunnel. 

It's OK, that we make mistakes. We all do it.  Do something for you from time to time. I like to take a break from everything from time to time and treat myself. Be good to yourself.

I'm glad that you are seeing the light at the of the tunnel. There's no time limit in getting there. It's not a race, everyone gets there at their own pace.

Clearmind gave you solid advice. Being with your FOO. You'll find your answer there.

Stay strong.

Logged

"Let go or be dragged" -Zen proverb
Can You Help Us Stay on the Air in 2021?

Pages: [1]   Go Up
  Print  
 
Jump to:  

Our 2021 Financial Sponsors
We are all appreciative of the members who provide the funding to keep BPDFamily on the air.
12years
alterK
Andi1956
Anondad
Cnvi
doghouse
drained1996
EyesUp
Harri
JD2028
lovenature
Mac5
Methuen
Mommydoc
Mutt
old97
P.F.Change
Skip
snowglobe
Swimmy55
Teno
Turkish
wendydarling

Powered by MySQL Powered by PHP Powered by SMF 1.1.21 | SMF © 2006-2020, Simple Machines Valid XHTML 1.0! Valid CSS!