Loaded relationship

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

I have seen a few people post about this. What is this?

Any details or examples of what a loaded RS is and how they form?

Arn

[arn131arn]

I have seen a few people post about this. What is this?

Any details or examples of what a loaded RS is and how they form?

Arn

[fromheeltoheal]

The version I've heard is a loaded bond, which is that especially dysfunctional coupling of a borderline and a caretaker-type, where a borderline's neediness and a caretaker's need to rescue feed off each other.  Been there.  Not going back.

[trevjim]

The version I've heard is a loaded bond, which is that especially dysfunctional coupling of a borderline and a caretaker-type, where a borderline's neediness and a caretaker's need to rescue feed off each other.  Been there.  Not going back.

Yup, sort of like you feel like a knight in shining armour, she/he makes you feel amazing because of that. She/he is the damsal in distress and you make them feel amazing for 'rescuing'

As heeltoheal says, its a painful road.

[Turkish]

I have seen a few people post about this. What is this?

Any details or examples of what a loaded RS is and how they form?

Arn

Mine was a father-daughter r/s. I remember when I realized it and I was horrified. Then I looked back and realized that I was attracted to emotionally immature women, regardless of chronological age. They got something from me, I got something from them.

My uBPDx told me she was looking for someone to "lead her and guide her" (I failed, I guess). She said in so many words that she was looking for a loaded r/s. That is not equitable, nor is it reciprocal. A co-dependent r/s is another form of top-loading. The Doer who gets their self-worth from doing, and the taker. My uBPDx is heavily CD with her family. "I take care of my family, it's what I do, I do it well!" She told me in an email in the last week or so we were trying to work it out and we were having a discussion abou CD.

She was mother to most of her younger siblings. Parentification, and a loaded sibling r/s. Not normal, though perhaps necessary for them, I don't know. DS4 was cutting his own food just before he turned 4. uBPDx's little brother was still getting his pancakes cut for him when I met him when he was 9 (it took me to observe and comment on that behavior for it to stop).

In such loaded relationships, the subservient typically seems to remain emotionally atrophied.

Now my Ex is with a kid 8 years younger than her (I'm old enough to be his father). He's on the surface immature for his age. So she's gone the other way, in more sense than one.

[arn131arn]

So are all relationships with a PD individual loaded?

Does a loaded RS always turn out bad?

[Turkish]

So are all relationships with a PD individual loaded?

If one partner is healthy, or mostly healthy, then probably.

Does a loaded RS always turn out bad?

Not necessarily. Sometimes the dysfunction works.

In other cases, what we might see as loaded really isn't. "Loaded" in this case is pejorative. If it works for both people, then often it works. I think if roles and expectations are clearly defined, then the r/s is more stable. Think of the 1950s type family. It worked in many cases, and was healthy. Now there are stay at home dads. These aren't by definition, I think, "loaded" as the reciprocity is really complementary, even if one partner is a caretaker to another. What we might see on the outside as the subordinate, is the leader in other roles.