Wife in denial, smoking marijuana in the house in front of D8

[rubyhammer]

I need some help with this situation.  Any ideas or suggestions would be welcome.

My wife, officially undiagnosed BPD, although she admitted in the past she felt she had BPD, is now in denial.  She has been using marijuana almost every day for the last month, using it in the house when D8 is home, sometimes openly in front of her.  I have pointed out that this is bad.  She keeps using.

Today, D8 didn't want to go to school.  This has been happening more and more.  I told D8 I understand how she feels but that she still needs to go to school.  uBDW steps in, "school is bad," "you don't have to go," etc.  D8 stays home.

I went to the school and talked with the counselor.  D8 has missed 12 days.  If she misses any more she'll need a doctor's excuse, otherwise the absence will be considered unexcused.  Too many unexcused absences and then Social Services steps in to talk with the family (this meeting is apparently voluntary).

I just need to know what my options are.  My wife is not getting any treatment for anything.  I'm concerned for my daughter's well-being (and my own).

Has anyone here been in a similar situation or experience? 

Thanks!

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[MissyM]

I am so sorry, you must take action to protect your child.  If DCS gets involved, things will get much worse.  I left my husband when he was addicted to drugs, that is one thing I could not keep endangering my kids with.  It took a long time for me to do it.  Are you attending alanon or getting any therapy for yourself?  You don't necessarily have to leave but endangering a child is absolutely a non-negotiable.

[rubyhammer]

Thanks for the response, MissyM.  I have been attending a Codependents Anonymous meeting weekly for almost 4 months now.  It's been extremely helpful!  Also I've been meeting with my counselor biweekly for 5 or 6 months, and that has also been very helpful.

I've learned how to take care of myself, now I need to figure out how to protect my D8 from this craziness.

You said, "If DCS gets involved, things will get much worse."  Could you elaborate a little on this please?  I've never been involved in something like this, so I'm not sure what to expect.

Thanks!

[ziniztar]

Should the details of DCS getting involved matter? Not telling your kids to go to school and using drugs in front if them would already be the line. I know you are allowed to set your own boundaries (personally) but this seems like general child well-being.

Good luck 

[MissyM]

DCS could take your child out of the home and charge you, as well as your BPDw.  The thing with DCS is it is never known what will happen.  They may do almost nothing or go to extremes.  You will then be battling a government entity, not just your BPDw.  Even if DCS were not the issue, do you really want to model these things for your child?

[allibaba]

rubyhammer,

I think in the middle of everything that we live through it is really, really easy to become desensitized to really bizarre behavior.  Behavior that we NEVER would have allowed before our BPD spouse.

I say this because the morning that I kicked my husband out, he was smoking weed in our living room in front of our 2 year old son.  This was the end of a really long road of setting boundaries with my husband.  My boundaries started with small things (dealing with verbal abuse) and I saw a lot of success in a lot of areas as our house got healthier.  Unfortunately the novelty of the "new me" started to wear off and it began to make my husband angry that he could no longer rule the house with crazy behavior.  I ended up asking him to leave (ok it was a lot more dramatic than that, but that is not the point).  

Once I started to protect myself it became obvious to me that I needed to do a better job protecting my son (not allowing him to be exposed to verbal, physical or psychological abuse whether it was directed toward our son or not).   It seems like you might be in this place right now.

Believe me I would have been very happy if our relationship headed a different direction.

Suggestion... . if you are really, really brave.  Post some of the 'crazy' situations that you are dealing with and ask for direction of how to protect your daughter.  There are some really excellent senior members of these boards that can help you to develop boundaries.  I know that carried me some days when I was too weak to carry myself.  I point blank would not allow my husband to smoke weed in our house and he actually listened and went outside (amazing!).  This was only the result of the fact that after 9 months of boundaries... . he knew that I was dead serious when I told him to stop the behavior.  This was really hard earned too!

As a side note, my husband is now almost 4 months clean and sober.  He realized that his life had to change... . unfortunately he still can't see the mental illness and I wouldn't consider letting him back into our house unless he was actively seeking treatment.  But the good news is that he is doing 500% better today than he was the day that he finally pushed me past the limits of what I could tolerate.

[an0ught]

A important distinction is between

  - controlling behavior

and

  - boundaries to protect something

the latter is easier to accept for others - they won't be liked - there still may be an extinction burst - but they can be tolerated as they are defensive. The former will almost always be resisted and even if it works breeds resentment.