Distorted Realities and Moving Forward

[ConverseHome]

I've posted about my xBPDgf recycling me for several weeks, then discarding me like I was yesterday's newspaper, though not before twisting the emotional knife a few times for good measure. In predictable form, she then emailed me several times but a few hours after said discard, saying she needs to feel safe and that she "loved our time together too much" and that she wants to be friends.

So, I decided to write a very firm email, stating that we are no longer in any form of relationship, including friendship, and nor will we every be. To please not contact me, and to please leave me alone.

I shouldn't be surprised, though I suppose I am, with her response. I get a long email in which she says that friendship is possible, and also concludes saying that "I need you to respect my boundaries right now." What the heck? I suppose it is a need not to be abandoned, to remain in some form of control (or to have an illusion of it)... . better yet, it is a reflection of the distorted reality in which she lives. Had I received a "respect my boundaries" from anyone else, I'd be pleased, as I'd be getting what I want, indirectly, so who cares how it comes about. In her case, she wouldn't know a boundary if it was ten feet high and twenty feet wide. I've said my peace now, so it's up to me to maintain my boundaries with her, regardless of what she does or doesn't do.

I will also continue to remind myself each and every day that I am a decent human being who deserves better, and that I love myself too much to be prompted to respond to such craziness. I certainly have moments - brief waves, which can last a few minutes or few hours - of despair and emptiness that wash over me. I realize though it's not because I want her back; it's because I still have work to do on myself. It's part of the aftereffects of years of her telling me I'm "toxic," "evil," and "pathological," as well as my own issues, including being a full-on, co-dependent (our couple's therapist helped me a great deal with this).

In my low moments, I still have this tiny hook inside myself, though, that says "what if she was right?" This hook is getting weaker as I am further from her, her craziness and distortions, and closer to the positive world where up isn't down, and left isn't right. Her latest email was a helpful reminder to me of the house of mirrors in which I had been living. I will continue to be strong, and I will continue to value myself for being the imperfect human being that I am. I owe this to myself, to my children, and to those who truly love me.

[BorisAcusio]

They always keep orbiters, that was the role she reserved for you. A soothing object.

[Madison66]

ConverseHome,

I'm sorry you are dealing with this crap from your xBPD gf.  As Boris stated, it sounds like she wants a "soothing object" at her disposal.  My situation is similar.  I posted this in another thread, but it may apply here:

The only time I broke n/c with my uBPD/NPD ex gf of 3+ years was about a week into the b/u when I ran into her on my street and had some fantasy that we would have a warm closure discussion including her apologizing to me.  That's not how it went.  I was as calm as I've ever been with her and she basically said "I've needed a change in my life for the last year and you just bring out the worst in me." To which I asked - "you mean the fact that you emotionally and physically abused me?" Her answer was - "I've never had that issue before, so yes it was because you brought it out in me."  Then the zinger - "I did that stuff because I loved you."  And then - "I want you to still be in my life as a good friend and neighbor."  Wow!  I just shook my head and said "no thank you" and walked away knowing that one week earlier I had made what could end up being the best decision in my lifetime!  I could have responded about her ex H leaving her for another woman because of her craziness or her college bf taking out a restraining order against her due to stalking.  I found that stuff out from her ex H.  None of it needed to be said and I knew all I needed to know about this mentally ill, emotionally and physically abusive person.  Just as she continued to act out and abuse, there will be nothing different with the new sap and it may get worse.

So, you gotta ask the question of why to continue to have any communication and how it would benefit you and your recovery.  My ex gf lived a different reality from me during the r/s and that would not change after the r/s ended.  I chose personally to cut off all communication and walk away clean.  I'm 130 days out and while I have my struggles at times, things are getting so much better.  It will for you, too!