Will She get in touch?

[Front runner]

Hi All,

I am driving myself, all my family and friends Mad with the question 'Will She get in touch'?

We have recycled dozens of times over the last 20 odd months.  Been engaged, separated, living together, not living together. She's been in numerous other relationships while I have pined away, obsessing constantly and slowly going mad.  I'm closer to actual madness now than I have ever been.

So to give you a quick rundown on events.  She had moved back in.  More for financial reasons and somewhere to stay than out of Love in my opinion.  She had decided to go back to College in September which would be a two hour drive from where l live and knowing her and her needs to be with someone all of the time I was fearful that this would spell the end of our relationship.

During this last recycle she seemed less attached to me. Made less effort. Sex had become less frequent and less enjoyable for her.  This made me desperate for it all the time.  She treated my place with a lack of respect as I cleaned up after her. I became fixated on her phone the whole time as it lay charging next to her side of the bed. I had during our last break up found evidence of serial cheating with at least four different guys.  I spent sleepless nights next to her. Becoming less well.

Our latest breakup happened at the weekend after a few drinks with her acting out (flirting with anyone and everything) I said we should just be friends explaining that with her going back to college and being so far away it was like a death sentence awaiting the inevitable demise of the relationship.  so we had a fight I got locked out of my house.  Then made up the next morning in bed... . i am addicted.

Then I collected my son (from a previous relationship) to take him to my mums for a few days.

During that time we were exchanging I Love you texts back and forth. Everything seemed fine again.

However, on my return with him all her stuff had gone and keys left on the table.  No note phone call anything.  Condoms were missing... . So in a total spin and  with my son I was texting and calling.  Mixture of anger and bargaining.  I got zero contact back.  Then two days later after id sent a final 'actually dont bother text'. I get one back saying I did steal the condoms.  I really did love you.  You didnt deserve to be treated like this YOU HAVE TO LET ME GO'.  I tried one call a few days ago which went to voice mail and left a friendly message.  no contact back.

In the past the most its taken is about a month for her to contact.

I dont feel her final message was written entirely by her but with someones help.  However im now stuck in this familiar spot driving myself stir crazy I wont hear from her again. But this time it hurts more and seems more final

Sorry for rambling account but I need support and any input on 'will she contact me' (which is making me go nuts).

Thanks 

 

[free-n-clear]

   Hi, Frontrunner. Sorry to hear you've had to go through this, especially as it's affecting the other important relationships in your life.

   While she possibly will contact you at some point, ie when it suits her needs, my advice would be to not respond.

We have recycled dozens of times over the last 20 odd months... .

  She's been in numerous other relationships while I have pined away, obsessing constantly and slowly going mad... .  

She had moved back in.  More for financial reasons and somewhere to stay than out of Love in my opinion... .

During this last recycle she seemed less attached to me. Made less effort... .

  She treated my place with a lack of respect as I cleaned up after her. ... .

I found evidence of serial cheating with at least four different guys... .

I spent sleepless nights next to her. Becoming less well... .

her acting out (flirting with anyone and everything) ... .

  I got locked out of my house.

  Is this the kind of relationship you want for yourself? Is it the kind of relationship you want to model for your son? Time to go NO CONTACT, brother. 

[Front runner]

thanks free n clear.  This is the problem of being addicted to someone.  Its definitely not a relationship to serve as a role model for my son.  Particularly the depression and horrible anxiety I suffer when she abandons me. This affects the relationship i have with my son as I become detached from him and ruminate incessantly about her.  I need to convince myself this person is not worth it - Renting out my entire head space for nothing.   

[winston72]

Hey FrontRunner... . I am so sorry for you pain and the disruption in your life.  Your posts remind me of similar times in my life with my now former girlfriend.  The swirl of emotions resulting from the recycles, large and small ones, is hard to tame.  I was desperate at times for one more contact, good or bad.

I would like to suggest that you consider the panel at the right of this page, entitled Attachment Leads to Suffering, Detachment Leads to Freedom.  I think it applies to you at this time.  The advice seems so very basic and sometimes not urgent enough to match what you are feeling today.  But, I can assure you as many thousands of other who have passed through this site can also, that it is a path that does indeed lead to freedom.

Your posts also remind me of a quote by Maya Angleou, "'The first time someone shows you who they are, believe them."  My reality was that I did not pay attention the first time... . it took about 197 times... . okay, a lot more!  :)o you need any more revelations than this quote from your ex, "You didnt deserve to be treated like this YOU HAVE TO LET ME GO"  In the context of all her other behaviors, do you really think she needed someone else's help to write that?  And, even if she did, but she sent it anyway, what does that tell you about her?

So sorry, FR... . please keep posting... . better days are ahead for you.

[casey1099]

Hi frontrunner... . so many of us here know exactly what you are going through! all i can say, having gone through many recycles myself, is that less and less contact makes the obsession and addiction better. breathe. exercise. see a movie... . do anything for distraction. and then that glorious moment will happen when you realize... . whoa! i didnt think about her for an hour! thats victory, and its progress. she is right; you do have to let her go. slowly you will heal, love yourself, and find something much much better.

[free-n-clear]

   I know how you feel, Frontrunner. It can be very difficult to stop the ruminations, but it does get easier over time. Here's a link to a workshop on the subject that you may find helpful:

              https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=103396.0

   My uBPDxgf has done many of the things that you describe - all of them and more, actually - so don't think you're alone in still being attracted to someone you know to be toxic to you. It's crazy, it doesn't make any sense, but it's there, nonetheless.

   You mentioned telling her you should be "just friends". In my experience, this will only continue the pain and misery for you, and give her permission to continue using you while she gets her rocks off elsewhere. The sooner you go N/C, the sooner you'll start the healing.

   

[Front runner]

Hi Winston,

Sorry cant cut and paste.  I think her text says that she can't/won't take responsibility for her actions and has no impulse control.  She realises this and has jumped ship.  Is that right in your opinion?

The way she says 'you didn't deserve to be treated like that'.  Kind of taking herself and responsibility for her actions out of the equation.  Or does that sound as final as final gets?

Thanks for your patience

[Lucky Jim]

Hey front runner, I've been in your shoes, brother.  Problem for me was, after several recycles and a broken engagement, I got married to my pwBPD and we had two children together.  Spent 16 years (13 together) legally tied to someone with serious emotional issues, much like your Ex.  It doesn't get any easier, believe me, and in fact can get significantly worse.  So as hard as it is, I suggest that you be grateful that you have a perfect opportunity to call it quits, for good.  From my point of view, it's irrelevant whether she gets back in touch with you.  What is relevant is you getting on with your life without her.  You seem to grasp all of this, on some level, so don't ignore your gut feelings!  LuckyJim

[GuiltHaunted]

I get one back saying I did steal the condoms.  I really did love you.  You didnt deserve to be treated like this YOU HAVE TO LET ME GO'.

Texts 2 months past breakup (her 2 months with my replacement):

Her: Long rant telling how I was the worst thing that ever happened to her, and blame I never cared about her.

Me: Sharing my deepest feelings for her and that I didn't contact her out of respect that she told me so and "I was afraid what reply I would get".

After long pause... .

Her: "I am sorry I wrote all those things, if I knew you felt that way I wouldn't have written at all. Anyway, don't get your hopes up. We do not belong together."

Me: "That was the answer I was afraid of."

Her: "Without me, nobody needs to be afraid."

She is supposed to be happy 2 months into a new relationship, yet she choses to blame me for not caring about her and moving on too fast? Projection.

Her last comment clearly shows that they are NOT happy and they know they are the problem. 11 months now, and as far as I know she is still with him though.

[winston72]

Hey FR... . under the moniker of this website's name, bpdfamily.com, we can draw insight and guidance from... . facing the facts!  So, she is telling you that she is not reliable now and will not be reliable in the future.  She does not want to be held responsible for her actions.  Or, perhaps more accurately, she sees quite clearly how her actions are unfair to you, are not conducive to maintaining a relationship and she does not want to change that.  She is putting you on notice that this is who she is.  She is not necessarily saying that it is final, she is just saying this is who she is.  

Is this the way you want to live your life?  :)o you to continue in this relationship?  This really is the key question now, not what she is intending.

At the risk of being a bit too blunt, when you ask if she is being final, I hear you wondering if you need to face the full impact of the loss and the beginning of recovery from this relationship.  It seems like this moment in time is not so much to discern her next step, but rather to determine if you are at the moment of embracing the truth about the relationship and its emotional consequences for you.  Which, in the long run, will be quite positive and in the immediate moment might be very sorrowful.  I am really just expounding on the post of Lucky Jim, which is quite poignant given his long history with such a relationship.

I would like to add that it took me months, years even, to see things clearly and, in so doing, "face the facts."  It is a simple solution, to see things as they are, listen to our feelings about those facts and then to live consistently with both.  So simple, but so hard given the emotional intensity of these relationships.  My ex lied to me, manipulated me for money and affection, cheated on me... . and yet I was desperate not to lose her.  :)esperate, desperate, desperate.  I am feeling with you in a lot of what you recount here, so please know that my heart aches for you in this.  Stealing the condoms?  Wow.  And, know also that the panel on the right works!

Keep posting FR... . daylight will come soon enough.  

[tango1492]

I have a son too, and I noticed that I was absolutely all consumed every time my ex uBPDbf would break NC. I was completely incapable of being present with my son during those times. Ironically, I broke up with my ex in large part because I didn't want my son in an unhealthy environment.

I've been NC for nearly 3 months now. But I do check his FB page constantly. I still wonder if I'll hear from him again, and have hope that I will- but with this fantasy that it will be better, which I am sure it would not be.

Every recycle ultimately ended with pain. He'd come back saying I'm the love of his life and he's going to marry me, only to change his mind two days later. It helps me to remember that there is really no point in contact if it's only going to cause me pain every time.

[Front runner]

Thank you so much all for your amazing support!.  Im breathing again.

Yes, Winston, stealing the condoms has melted my brain.  She's left loads of times, But stealing the condoms... .

The fact I counted them in the first place is a perfect reflection of our rs .  The fact she probably new I had done that.  The fact she has unprotected sex anyway (a couple of stds my end testify to that).

That is what has spun me out.  She either doesn't give a Damn or she did it to hurt.

It sure hurts

[Front runner]

And Lucky Jim, Thank You.  Im going to read your posts and reflect.  Dont think id still be alive after all that time

[winston72]

Hey FR... . your last reference to unprotected sex rekindled my emotions about a similar episode for me.  Discovering that my ex was having unprotected sex with someone else while having unprotected sex with me (in an expressly monogamous relationship) was searing.  Visit to the doctor and lab for tests.  Searing, and incomprehensible.  My body could not absorb the level of pain that was being delivered to it.  When I was able to absorb a certain level and feel like I was calming down, another deeper layer of realization and meaning would scorch me.  It is awful.

FR, please know that this type of pain is extreme in any relationship.  Stir in the added fuel of the emotional intensity and chaos within both of you the accompanies these BPD behaviors and you have quite a mess.  It will drive you... . mad!

It does not need to continue for you.  You can choose life... . choose a different path.  The way forward will not be found in reconnecting with her... . your history tells you this, she is telling you this now!  You have the tools and the strength within you to live differently.  Choose it.

Serial cheating?  Sleepless nights laying next to her in bed?  It is quite awful.

[winston72]

Hey Tango... . that "hoping against all odds" is such a lovely, inspiring trait in most places and moments in life.  I wish those attributes within me had been tempered with a more realistic assessment of "the facts".  It is a curious part of the human condition when you/we write, "I still wonder if I'll hear from him again, and have hope that I will- but with this fantasy that it will be better, which I am sure it would not be."   There must remain within you a sliver of hope to hold that contradiction in your mind.  I know I did for a very long time. 

Just a moment of reflection!  I hope you continue to see and connect with what is best for you.

[tango1492]

Hey Winston-

Logically, I actually do want to let go of hope. I think so long as I hold onto it, I won't truly be able to move on. And so long as I haven't moved on completely, I still have that longing and the ruminations (and pain). For me, this is still daily. NC has been 3 months. But the break-up was 9 months ago and we have literally only seen each other for 2 days in the last 9 months--even when we were back in communication a few different times.

I just don't know how to let go of that hope exactly. Maybe it is just a matter of more time.

[winston72]

I am sorry for the lingering feelings, Tango.  I must say that it took me much longer than I would have imagined to feel totally free of that desire.  For me, I think I was reluctant and fearful to feel the full sense of loss.  I think I was reluctant to fully mourn... . did not know how, really, and did not want to extinguish all hope.

I wonder a bit also if the desire to hope... . the act of hoping, regardless of the worthiness of the object of our hope (the ex or the relationship itself) makes us feel good... . human, even.  I think I struggled to feel comfortable within myself with that choice.

In time, it fades, new things grow, perspective and peace is gained.  It has happened for me.  Hardly believed it was possible... . but it is.

[GuiltHaunted]

I get one back saying I did steal the condoms.

I am assuming you think she stole them, in order to use them with someone else? And that is causing you pain?

What you don't know, is the actual reason why she took them. It could just as well be "HE is not going to use them with someone else".

When I moved out from my exgf, I left the condoms (to hope she would use them with my replacement, which she probably didn't   ), but took every bottle of lubrication I could find (she was certainly not going to enjoy any of it     ).

So don't beat yourself up on that. Could be for a number of reasons.

[free-n-clear]

I left the condoms... . but took every bottle of lubrication I could find

                          

[mrgasket]

I get one back saying I did steal the condoms.

I am assuming you think she stole them, in order to use them with someone else? And that is causing you pain?

What you don't know, is the actual reason why she took them. It could just as well be "HE is not going to use them with someone else".

When I moved out from my exgf, I left the condoms (to hope she would use them with my replacement, which she probably didn't   ), but took every bottle of lubrication I could find (she was certainly not going to enjoy any of it     ).

So don't beat yourself up on that. Could be for a number of reasons.

   Priceless!

[Cardinals in Flight]

I left the condoms... . but took every bottle of lubrication I could find

         

O.M.G.   . Lmao

[Front runner]

She didn't take all of them, just some but I agree could be for any number of reasons.

To cause max damage I suppose and make a statement. The sociopath in her.

Love the shat about the lube. That's progress.

[Front runner]

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