I'm so hurt, all over again, I have no idea what to do

[Family Court Strategies: When Your Partner Has BPD OR NPD Traits.]

Well, I heard from a coworker (we work for the same companies) that a few days after the breakup (crazy, heartless, out of no where blindsided break up that she initiated 6 hours after talking about how much she loved me) that she was bragging about making out with a new girl. Its been over a month and I was doing really good. I had a sneaking suspicion that I was replaced by that girl, but hearing it confirmed really hit me harder than I wanted it to. Im reeling because I know applying rational thinking and logic doesnt work here, so Im at a loss for how to process this. Im very upset. Wont break N/C but it pisses me off to know she's just tralalalala off with some other skank and doesnt even need to face the consequences of her lies and immaturity. A year and a half of hard work and I was still so willing to work with her, just so she can throw it all away on a whim for another girl. Im reeling. Im so sick. This stupid, emotionally immature, idiot young girl gets to just use and abuse whoever she wants, then drop them for the next thing, the EXACT THING SHE SAID SHE WOULDNT DO.

[HerPerpetuallyTornLover]

Well, I heard from a coworker (we work for the same companies) that a few days after the breakup (crazy, heartless, out of no where blindsided break up that she initiated 6 hours after talking about how much she loved me) that she was bragging about making out with a new girl. Its been over a month and I was doing really good. I had a sneaking suspicion that I was replaced by that girl, but hearing it confirmed really hit me harder than I wanted it to. Im reeling because I know applying rational thinking and logic doesnt work here, so Im at a loss for how to process this. Im very upset. Wont break N/C but it pisses me off to know she's just tralalalala off with some other skank and doesnt even need to face the consequences of her lies and immaturity. A year and a half of hard work and I was still so willing to work with her, just so she can throw it all away on a whim for another girl. Im reeling. Im so sick. This stupid, emotionally immature, idiot young girl gets to just use and abuse whoever she wants, then drop them for the next thing, the EXACT THING SHE SAID SHE WOULDNT DO.

[HerPerpetuallyTornLover]

Yeah just found out they've been dating for a while. A month after the break up. Im 80% sure she was cheating. Hooray. Fck everything.

[free-n-clear]

    One way to look at it is that your replacement is actually - if unwittingly - doing you a favour. As painful as it is for you right now, deep down you know you don't need a... .

... . crazy, heartless, stupid, emotionally immature, idiot young girl... .

... . in your life. Keep reading and posting here. You're amongst friends who understand what you're going through. 

[willy45]

Yeah. That sucks. I know the feeling. Trust me. Thinking they are off just having a wild fun time and we are stuck feeling ___ty trying to sort things out. But let me give you a dose of reality with a question. What kind of person would you rather be? Really. Would you rather be her or would you rather be you. You can go and hook up with anyone at anytime. That is the easy part. Go to a bar, get drunk, make out with some random and then have a random r/s with them that will be confusing, disorienting and hurtful in the end and then rinse, recycle, repeat. You don't learn anything. You don't grow. You just defer and then unleash your hurt and anger on someone else. Is that who you want to be?

Don't glorify her. Think about who you want to be. If you want to be that person, then go for it. If you want to be someone who respects themselves, heals, learns, and becomes a more whole and happy person, then take the route you are currently on. I know it hurts. TRUST ME! I have been there. But when I look at the hurt I realize that I don't want to be that kind of person. I glorify it and am jealous that I'm not doing that. And then I think... . why not? Why am I not doing that? And the answer is BECAUSE I DON'T WANT TO. That's it. It's that's simple. I don't want to. It isn't healthy for me and would make things way, way worse. I would much rather grow as a person than drown away my issues in someone else, only to turn it around on them and make them hurt as much as I do. That is the abusive cycle. And I am not an abusive person. Nor do I want to be.

The differences here is that YOU HAVE A CHOICE. Choice means you can control your emotions and have empathy for other people. You don't just use others to make yourself feel better without regard to how they are going to get hurt. You have the ability to choose to be the kind of person you want. And that's a gift that someone with BPD doesn't have.

[Mutt]

I agree with free'n'clear, you may not see it now, HerPerpetual, but a huge problem has been taken out of your hands. At least that's the way that I see it with my ex uBPDw and her boyfriend. I felt like I was her father, the adult in the r/s, its not a sign of a healthy r/s. I'm glad that a tornado has moved out of my life, moved unto his life for his issues.

I also agree with willy45, don't glorify / idealize her. It's easy to gloss over the bad parts of the r/s, but you will probably see that it was toxic.

It's difficult to see now, you are probably knee deep in pain and anguish. It hurts like hell when the pwBPD nonchalantly ends the r/s and moves on as if nothing happened. They cope differently.

It takes time to detach / heal and re-frame your thoughts. In the end, you'll probably recognize that you deserve better.   I found radical acceptance helped me in getting to that place, and heal.

If I might a make a suggestion, this helped me to detach. Set a boundary with friends and family and tell them not to relay info about ex.

I got triggered every time someone gave me a piece of gossip from ex, but I don't think they understand the depth of pain a pwBPD causes. I told them "if you see, hear about ex, i would appreciate it if you didn't tell me because it's too painful to deal with right now" I didn't get any more info relayed after that. Every little strategy helps, I think. That's just my two cents.