Label of Abuse

[willy45]

Hi All,

When I first went to my T back when I broke up with my exGF, he told me to own the label of abuse. My ex never hit me, although once I thought she was going to. But it was the rage and the yelling and the crying and the blaming that my T. told me I should label as abuse. For some reason I have a hard time accepting that and really owning it. Any thoughts?

[Lion Fire]

verbal and emotional abuse is more painful and damaging than physical abuse from my experience.

All of the things you mentioned constitute abuse of this nature.

[restoredsight]

My parents were criminally negligent. I wasn't beaten. I wasn't called a lot of awful things directly. I was parentified by my mother and neglect allowed for my younger brother's death and a lot of near misses for me and my remaining brother. There was corporeal punishment, where my father would hit us with a belt, but it wasn't a bunch of measured strokes, and more than once I realized he was putting a lot of frustration and rage behind the punishments, justifying the anger as something he had to do. This was normal life for me.

It wasn't until my younger brother sat next to me one night, and said, "You know Chad, we were abused." I was twenty one and I had never once had that thought. I wanted to deny it, but it was true. I still have an odd problem remembering the word "neglect." It gets stuck in my head and it's difficult for me to pull out, much like a word that's perpetually on the tip of your tongue.

The way these situations with our exes play out is that reality is bent as we find ourselves enmeshed. I read somewhere that the great magic trick in all of this is that the blame that they project *sticks* to us, and we feel it's our fault that this person has changed so rapidly and we want to do anything we can to get the wonderful person we knew back. It changes things to an intermittent reward system, where we can get addicted like gamblers. Even with the quiet borderlines this is true, as they feel a lot of guild and sadness, and being enmeshed the way you do, you feel responsible.

Here's the thing that helps me. Picture one of the people you love, like a family member. Imagine them being treated the way you have been. Would you call it abuse? If it's abuse, would you try and talk them out of returning for more? Wouldn't you question why they didn't feel like it was abuse at all?

[HappyNihilist]

I think it's harder to reconcile our perception of "abuse" with the lack of something. We want to see it as actions taken against us. It often is that, yes. But abuse is also having one's needs or rights withheld or trampled on. Cruel, malicious words are abuse. Neglect is abuse. Emotional blackmail is abuse.

The way these situations with our exes play out is that reality is bent as we find ourselves enmeshed. I read somewhere that the great magic trick in all of this is that the blame that they project *sticks* to us, and we feel it's our fault that this person has changed so rapidly and we want to do anything we can to get the wonderful person we knew back. It changes things to an intermittent reward system, where we can get addicted like gamblers. Even with the quiet borderlines this is true, as they feel a lot of guild and sadness, and being enmeshed the way you do, you feel responsible.

Here's the thing that helps me. Picture one of the people you love, like a family member. Imagine them being treated the way you have been. Would you call it abuse? If it's abuse, would you try and talk them out of returning for more? Wouldn't you question why they didn't feel like it was abuse at all?

This is an incredibly helpful exercise. Please, do this. Always do this. 

[willy45]

Yeah. Thanks guys. That exercise actually got me out if the relationship. It wasn't on purpose. She was raging at me saying 'you just think I'm a crazy f#coming b___' at the top of her lungs. I was just checking my email. Then I thought ' what if this was our child?' I knew it was abuse if it had been a child. That's when I decided to leave. I still thought the cause was 'us', sort of. At least that is how I framed it to her. But I knew I did nothing wrong. I wasn't even thinking about her. I was checking my email.

[MrFox]

My biological father was physically abusive.  My BPDmother rarely hit me, but was/is very much emotionally/mentally abusive.  Of the two, I personally would prefer a slap to the face to being mentally abused.

Emotional abuse, in its many forms, IS a form of abuse.  In a lot of ways it is even worse than the physical form.  It is sly, it is sneaky and covert.  If someone is slapping you around, you know it.  There is no question that abuse is happening.  Part of what makes mental abuse so terrible is half the time you don't even know it is happening.  Five years ago I would have told you my mother was a wonderful person who never wanted anything but the best for me.  It makes me sick to think how lost in the FOG I was.

[diega]

Hi All,

When I first went to my T back when I broke up with my exGF, he told me to own the label of abuse. My ex never hit me, although once I thought she was going to. But it was the rage and the yelling and the crying and the blaming that my T. told me I should label as abuse. For some reason I have a hard time accepting that and really owning it. Any thoughts?

growing up I was beaten and yelled at and ignored and all that.  And i can say that the emotional abuse felt waay worse. it goes deep into the soul.  i'm not saying we're here to compare abuse or anything but i just remember feeling that when i was younger. 

[Mutt]

The way these situations with our exes play out is that reality is bent as we find ourselves enmeshed. I read somewhere that the great magic trick in all of this is that the blame that they project *sticks* to us, and we feel it's our fault that this person has changed so rapidly and we want to do anything we can to get the wonderful person we knew back. It changes things to an intermittent reward system, where we can get addicted like gamblers. Even with the quiet borderlines this is true, as they feel a lot of guild and sadness, and being enmeshed the way you do, you feel responsible.

I'm not sure projection "sticks". What I mean to say is, I simply say to ex (in person) if she's projecting "that has nothing to do with me" and leave it at that. If its projection through another form of communication like email, I don't engage it respond. The initial emotions aren't projected unto me