Ex asking If i'm dating?

[How to communicate after a contentious divorce...]

So my ex asked me if I was seeing anyone. I know she's in a relationship so it's just a weird question to ask. I was being vague but she kept asking and asking and asking. I finally just said sort of, but nothing serious. Then she went over the top and was like oh my god, tell me more. You must keep me in the loop like shes my long lost best friend all of a sudden. What does she want from me? I know she still has feelings for me because she will not let me go, hence her texting me all the time even though she has a bf.

[zenwexler]

So my ex asked me if I was seeing anyone. I know she's in a relationship so it's just a weird question to ask. I was being vague but she kept asking and asking and asking. I finally just said sort of, but nothing serious. Then she went over the top and was like oh my god, tell me more. You must keep me in the loop like shes my long lost best friend all of a sudden. What does she want from me? I know she still has feelings for me because she will not let me go, hence her texting me all the time even though she has a bf.

[Want2know]

Is she being mean or sarcastic about it or does she sound happy for you and curious?

[zenwexler]

I don't think she's being sarcastic. I honestly don't know what she's trying to accomplish. I mean before I told her she like pretty much demanded I tell her. Then like a switch she's like oo tell me more. Keep me in the loop! Her actions never seem genuine to be honest.

[zenwexler]

And she's always curious. She constantly wants to know what I'm up too.

[Want2know]

I read your introduction post and see that you've been broken up for almost a year, and that she doesn't live in your state, however there is still quite a bit of texting and talking.  Why are you wanting to keep the communication up with her?  It sounds kind of mutual, at this point.

[zenwexler]

Yeah we only live like 2 hours from one another. I'm actually supposed to move to New York soon. And I keep up communication because every time I try and pull away she comes after me. She refuses to let me go. I mean if she was in a happy and healthy relationship she wouldn't be texting me all day. She just wouldn't, it makes no sense to me. I am still in love with this girl. I get caught between trying to let go and trying to wait for her to come around. We've been broken up for almost a year but we have been talking pretty much that entire time. Thank you so much for taking the time to read my intro and respond to me. You have no idea what that means to me. 

[Want2know]

We all can relate to your situation... . it's hard, no doubt about that. 

Ok, so some hard questions... .

Are you seeing someone, and does she know you are communicating with your ex?

Why are you moving closer to her?  I'm originally from where you live now and understand the draw to move to NY, but am curious as to why.

And lastly, and most importantly - I understand that you still have love for her.  Would you want to be in a relationship with her again if she were to break up with her current bf and why?

[zenwexler]

Ok, so I used to be a drug and alcohol counselor, so the fact that you are willing to help me and engage with me and my problems is nothing shy of extraordinary. So thank you, from the bottom of my heart.

So, I'm moving there because that's where all my friends are. I temporarily moved back home since quitting my job. This was just so I could save up some money. I am not seeing anyone. And if I was I would not text my ex. It's inappropriate and not fair to the other person.

And yes, I would get back together with her in a second. Even though I know it's not ideal, and my friends and family and therapist would think I'm crazy, but I want to try again. We both are in different situations, I also want to apply all that I have learned on this site and other resources of BPD. I'm confident that we could have a healthier and happier relationship together. Although the people around me seem to think otherwise. So it's been really really hard. I don't know what she wants from me, because lets face it, no one fights as hard as she did to keep just a "friend" in her life. But when I try and rekindle anything she backs off or gets angry. So the only thing I haven't tried was to actually be her friend. But that rarely ever works in real life. The friendzone sure is real! Although she's not a great friend I must admit. It's kind of like she wants friendship on her own terms.

[Want2know]

Your honesty is a good thing.  Being a former drug and alcohol counselor doesn't leave you, even if you are no longer practicing.  So, looking at this from that perspective, let's talk about a 'cost benefit analysis' of getting back together with her.

What are the costs of re-engaging and what are the benefits?

The heart is a hard thing to overcome, however, if you look at theories, such as CBT, you know thoughts and feelings can direct your behavior and are not always geared towards healthy behaviors.

Just pushing you a little bit... . hope you don't mind.

[sirensong65]

Well I will give you my .02 cents though I don't think it is what you want to hear.

My exBPD broke off with me and had a replacement already WAY before we were over.  I was heartbroken and three months after I met him at a restaurant and in my heart wanted back in.  He immediately asked me if I had seen someone else and I was reluctant to tell hi I DID go out with someone a few times. He seemed almost giddy about it. While I didn't want to hear any details because, of course I still had feelings for him. Why would I want to know about HER.  But he was happy about it.

My point is, I think when they are DONE, they really ARE done. They have no romantic feelings, no pangs of jealousy, nothing but we are no longer a lover.  We are PAST tense.  They want us around but as PLATONIC friends only.  That's why she gets mad at you if you bring up the past or a more romantic aspect of what you WERE, cause she is past that.

[zenwexler]

I for sure agree with you sirensong, but I do have to think it may be different with guys versus girls. Also when we first broke up and she asked if I hooked up with anyone, I said yes and she started to cry! Now that was earlier in the breakup. I believe maybe in this moment she may not want to be together but again her actions prove otherwise. I'm a pretty good friend I don't think I have ever fought that hard to keep anyone is my life.

And Want2know, I welcome you pushing me! Lets do it! And honestly I know there are a ton of costs. She is extremely demanding and draining. The benefits are that I get to be back with her. I can see if things would be different with my new found knowledge of BPD and the fact that I'm no longer working such a stressful job.

[zenwexler]

When we broke up the first time, it was a month after she first said I love you to me. Like come on? I love you then let's break up? Then the second time we broke she wrote me this letter saying how much she loves me and all this stuff, then a month later, surprise surprise we break up. She doesn't know what she wants. It's exhausting. I've chased girls in the past, but this has been by far one of the hardest experiences of my life. Just typing now I get a tightness in my chest, because I don't know what my next move is. I don't know what I can do to show her that we should give things another go. And any time I try to distance myself and go NC shes comes running full speed. Then I eventually respond she taps on the breaks and is like "uhhh I just want to be friends ok?"

[Want2know]

And Want2know, I welcome you pushing me! Lets do it! And honestly I know there are a ton of costs. She is extremely demanding and draining. The benefits are that I get to be back with her. I can see if things would be different with my new found knowledge of BPD and the fact that I'm no longer working such a stressful job.

Ok... . take a look at the posts on the Staying in a BPD relationship board: https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?board=6.0 - you will see folks who are married, who have children with their pwBPD, who are truly wanting to work things out.  They have such deep struggles even with the knowledge of BPD and the communication skills needed, along with some serious boundary setting, as this will be a constant theme in your relationship.

We all thought we could do this, until we couldn't and it diminished our dreams and sense of self. 

Be kind to yourself and know you cannot save her, and the more she takes, the more she will take.  Stay strong and true to what you feel is your purpose here in this one life. 

[zenwexler]

It's funny, I know you're right. I know life would be a constant struggle. I know she was this way for a fact with her past bf's. Her old roommate told me. She told me she always felt bad for all the abuse I took, but she was happy that I actually would take a stand sometimes, that her other ex would never do that. and I'm sure shes the same  way with this current guy. I just have such a hard time moving on. She has this way of convincing me how amazing she can be, how loving and how cute. But she only displays that to me when she wants to. She's only nice when it's convenient to her. It really hurts. She hurts me everyday. And I know everyone says RUN. My friends, my family, my therapist, yet I still take the blame, I think I can do better, try harder, be a better person. But deep down inside I know it's not me, that it truly is her. I just have the fear that she's laughing and loving life in New York with her new bf, but again, like I said a hundred times, if she was, then I wouldn't be hearing from her. Because I know If I was happy and in a new healthy relationship I probably wouldn't really respond to her antics. It's frustrating because when it comes down to it, we BOTH haven't let one another go.

[Want2know]

She will not let go of you.  This is something that you will need to come to grips with, as it doesn't mean she wants you as a partner, to be faithful, to love to cherish, to respect and treat you well.  She needs someone to want to take care of her, yet she will push you away when you try.  It's a sad reality.

So, it comes down to you letting her go.  It doesn't mean you don't care about her.  It just means that you are being realistic about what YOU need, and what you want in a relationship.  Why would you compromise what you need?

I felt the same way about my bf... . his family, his previous partners, what life had dealt him (and some of what he brought onto himself)... . I was the best thing in his life.  He probably knew that deep down (and said it sometimes), however, the reality of what I gave to him and what he gave to me was not balanced.

Are you looking for a mutual, balanced relationship? 

[zenwexler]

That's exactly right. Every time I would try and help her she would be like a little kid trying to prove to her parents that she want do it by herself and would get mad at me. Even as a friend when she texts me just wants me to answer all her questions right away. Then poof. She disappears.

And I don't know why I'm willing to compromise myself. I really don't. I'm the kind of person that's will to do whatever it takes. And I truly would do whatever it takes to be with her. But I agree. I lose myself during the process. It's a terrible cycle. Even when we were together I wasn't very happy. I wanted to end the relationship multiple times. But I cared about her too much to leave. I know BPD is a terrible illness. And I know she probably hasn't had a true day of authentic happiness in her life. I just wish she would fully let me in her life. But I guess she only knows how to push. And only pull when I'm out of reach.

[Want2know]

That's exactly right. Every time I would try and help her she would be like a little kid trying to prove to her parents that she want do it by herself and would get mad at me. Even as a friend when she texts me just wants me to answer all her questions right away. Then poof. She disappears.

And I don't know why I'm willing to compromise myself. I really don't. I'm the kind of person that's will to do whatever it takes. And I truly would do whatever it takes to be with her. But I agree. I lose myself during the process. It's a terrible cycle. Even when we were together I wasn't very happy. I wanted to end the relationship multiple times. But I cared about her too much to leave. I know BPD is a terrible illness. And I know she probably hasn't had a true day of authentic happiness in her life. I just wish she would fully let me in her life. But I guess she only knows how to push. And only pull when I'm out of reach.

Sit with this tonight - re-read this tomorrow.  Feel the sadness and the feeling in your gut that says this is not right.  We'll be here in the morning - a new day.  All sorts of new opportunities to embrace the present, your life, your happiness.  

[zenwexler]

Thank you. I truly do appreciate your support. I'm going to be on these forums for a while. Bouncing back and forth between letting her go and trying to get her back.

[Pecator]

Zen, thanks for creating this thread.

Want2, thanks for all your surgical like inquiries.

The dialogue here has really help cement some growth for me.

The last decent conversation I had with my ex (where I felt the "love bond" quite faded) she told me she blocked my texts because it wasn't fair to my replacement. With the next breath she asked, "Are you seeing anyone? You really should start dating."

In an email a few days later she gave a few empty platitudes "I so want you to be happy and working in a lovely <place of my former profession>... . doing what you do best.  You have many talents " I say they were empty because, one she knows that finding closure is all I want and two this brief statement was in the midst of a diatribe about how ending was all my fault.

I gained a bit of insight with all I learned here. Avoiding shame, I think is a close second motivator. If I were dating someone, that would cover the shame of what she did to me as well as cover the shame of what she did to my replacement to bring him back into her life. She is aware that I found out how she lied to and manipulated him. It is not fair for him because he would have never been with her if he new she recycled him only days after we ended. She told him I wasn't the reason she crushed him before and that we dated a few times, not that we were living together.

She also knows that I gave up a successful career because focusing my time on the family we were building was more important than the stress of furthering my career. Going back to my career would help her feel better about treating me as she did.

I got this from a thread here talking about "believing you ex thinks like you." I also believe it is in the recommended reading:

[q] Understand that you have become the trigger for your BPD partner's bad feelings and bad behavior. Sure, you do not deliberately cause these feelings, but your presence is now triggering them.[/q]

Her platitudes regarding my dating and career seem incredibly self-serving.

[zenwexler]

It's interesting. In a way I think you can almost take some comfort that she was at least able to give you any sort of recognition. Because I don't know what the norm is in these situations but my ex has never said any comforting words or positive statements at all. Even just as "friends" I used to think it was just that she didn't like me until I learned more about abusive relationships. Quite frankly even though I have a degree in psychology and was a counselor for sometime myself BPD seems to be extremely confusing. The criteria s consistent, but it seems how they sometimes express it can vary so greatly. Like the fact that your ex even blocked you surprises me because my ex is always looking over my shoulder constantly seeing what I'm doing. I'm not a big facebook user but I did delete her, and now that we are talking she's like hey, can we be facebook friends again? Which for me specifically gets in my head. I think, why the hell does this girl want to be in my life so badly?

Even today she texted me "sorry for the delay, I was eating then had a loong conversation on the phone" insinuating she was talking to her bf. Nothing she says is ever seems genuine. Like if you had a nice pleasant talk with your bf then you probably wouldn't have said anything to me. But instead she wants to bait me. 

But I know what you mean about empty platitudes. She told me that I'm a special guy and that any girl would be lucky to have me and blah blah blah. I think when they make those statements their riding a high, for a single moment they think they are actually happy, so they want you to be happy as well. But then those feelings pass and their back to being how they always are.

Are you remaining friends with her at all?

[willy45]

Hey Man,

Be really, really careful here. You are saying and thinking some of the same things I did (do). My ex would tell me all kinds of platitudes like she was the epitome of mental health and sprituality. Like she knew everything and one day I would learn. I eventually told her to F off. But that didn't take. She kept at me. A few months later. A few weeks after that. And on and on. It has been more than 1.5 years now since we broke up. Almost two. And she is still trying to contact me. I hope that she doesn't again.

Why is she contacting me? I have no idea. Does she want me back? No. At least that is what she says. She's in a relationship now. But then, why contact me? Does her new BF know? Does he know she would 'love to hang out with me', that I am her 'best friend in the whole world'.

The thing of this all is... . it is absolutely impossible to understand what goes on in a crazy person's head. There are tons of stories of recycling here. So, the idea that they drop you and then never come back is not true. I think what is more accurate is that they keep ex's around just in case... . They want something from us. And that isn't to be 'nice' to us. That isn't to be 'friends'. Friendships are mutual. Both people get a lot out of it. A friendship with my ex would be just her taking from me. Whatever she can. Beating me up some more. Bruising me more. And then turning around and wondering what my issues are and trying to console me. F that.

If I were you, I would seriously take a look at yourself and ask yourself why you want to be in this position. I know it is hard. Trust me. I know. But the only way out of this situation is away from her. As hard as that sounds or as hard as it is to hear. Do you really want to sign up for more misery?

Just a suggestion... . Try going NC for a few months. Just try it. Don't talk to her. Don't respond to her. Just take a few months to yourself. I promise you will start to feel better about yourself. This is, after all, about you! Take care of yourself. It sounds like this person is hurting you. You don't deserve that. You deserve much better. Whatever you are doing isn't working... . Why not try something a bit different. It might help to get some distance for a while. Just a suggestion... .

[MrFox]

So my ex asked me if I was seeing anyone. I know she's in a relationship so it's just a weird question to ask. I was being vague but she kept asking and asking and asking. I finally just said sort of, but nothing serious. Then she went over the top and was like oh my god, tell me more. You must keep me in the loop like shes my long lost best friend all of a sudden. What does she want from me? I know she still has feelings for me because she will not let me go, hence her texting me all the time even though she has a bf.

My guess is that she wants a sense of control.  She seems to feel entitled to knowing everything about you and your life.  She isn't.  You have been broken up for over a year now.  Your life is not her business, nor is she entitled to knowing anything that you don't care to share with her.  Just my 2 cents.

[willy45]

That's a great point. It's none of her business.

[zenwexler]

She asked if I was seeing someone and wanted to know all the details. She then wanted to tell me about her new bf and was like or is it a sensitive subject still. And to be honest, I don't think she was was trying to be nice. She just wants to see how I react. She told me that he's super chill and is exactly what she needs. He balances out her nerves. I mean can that be true? Is she actually sweet and nice to him or she just as mean and demanding as she is to me? Because as soon as she said that she ended the text by saying so will you add me on facebook? Which she has asked me to do a hundred times since unfriending her. I said to her "that awesome you're happy with that guy, and sure, we can be facebook friends" She responds. I mean it's not like you're doing me a favor. You're the one who unfriended me... . " She's so relentless. If this guy is so amazing why is she texting me?  She is literally obsessed with being friends on facebook, which is weird because my profile is public anway, she can see everything!

[zenwexler]

I asked her why she so badly wants to be facebook friends. She says "don't read into it like I know you do. i just don't like it when people have something against me." She really is cruel

[zenwexler]

I caved and accepted the request. She texted me saying I'm making her "weally weally sad" I kind of hate myself right now. 

[seeking balance]

zenwexler,

Stop for a minute here - what exactly are you doing and for what purpose?

I caved and accepted the request. She texted me saying I'm making her "weally weally sad" I kind of hate myself right now. 

[zenwexler]

I want another chance with her. I can't deny it.

[seeking balance]

I want another chance with her. I can't deny it.

That's ok - just wondering how we can help you on the leaving board - the purpose here is to detach and move on... .

If you want to be with her, during this break - have you spent some time really understanding you, your motivations, your boundaries so that you can in turn be a supportive partner by using the staying tools necessary for this relationship?

[zenwexler]

Honestly I'm just lost. I want to stay with her. She's in a relationship but she's constantly reaching out to me, wanting to hang out, wanting to be facebook friends. She says she just wants friendship, but her actions refuse to let me go. And right now she's being all fun and playful and nice to me. Talking about how she goes to church and does yoga, and I can't help but think maybe she's in a good place now. Which is driving me crazy. Even on the staying board people are telling me to leave her behind. That she is trouble, that she's not actually happy now, that she unfortunately never will be. It's just so hard.