Things that still bother me

[restoredsight]

So, some of my exes behaviors still haunt me, and I'm sort of tossing them out there to see if anyone has had similar experiences or know what these things are about.

A little background. I went through two relationships with her. The first on ended after a little over a year of seeing each other, 4 months of which we spent living together, before she withdrew emotionally and things blew up. Seven months later she contacted me and we very quickly resumed, she moved back in with me within two months, and we were together for 2.5 years, the majority of which she was more stable than I'd ever seen her, until about the last month of the relationship.

I've never heard her speak an unkind word to a person besides me. She said hurtful things to me only during the break ups, but they were not overtly abusive.

Her mother is definitely NPD. My ex never seemed to set out to hurt me, but from what I've learned and gathered, her mother was pushing her for the most painful parts of the breakups, where she had a temporary restraining order set against me the first time, and they took my child as if they were raiding an abusive home the second time. I don't mean to leave my ex off the hook, as she went along with them, but her relationship with her mother is almost frightening, as her mom seems to switch between trying to smother her with a horrible type of affection, to forgetting that she exists, all depending on what my ex was doing or how it would benefit her personally.


1) When my ex returned, we talked extensively about the break up, why she thought it was necessary (Some of my behaviors reminded her of her mother, of course) and she sincerely seemed remorseful, weeping while I told her about my life after and what I went through. She didn't blame me at all anymore. She went out of her way to "make things right."

2) She claimed, and I believe her because of all of the dissociative behaviors/looks she displayed, that she had huge gaping holes in her memory about the break up and couldn't even say why she stopped talking to me. She said at some point she said she started to feel like she was "waking up" about 3 months after the break up.

3) About this time, she was engaged to a new guy. She said she was riding in the car with him and looked over to him fully expecting it to be me in the driver seat, and was confused for a while that it wasn't.

4) She said more than once that she felt like other people weren't real, like they didn't really exist.[/li][/list]

5) Both break ups centered around her getting involved with secretive situations that were similar to sexual abuse when she was 12-14. She dove headlong into these situations as if driven, and they were very self destructive.

6) She has very often just left people without a backwards glance, not bothering to explain herself or the situation, she just ran. With the two of us, she needed excuses. She seemed to attempt to push my buttons in various ways until she found something she could use as an excuse to leave, no matter how small. Her initial reasons seemed petty and immature.

7) On the topic of maturity, her behavior stuck me as very odd during the break ups. Sometimes she was silently angry, but when she wasn't, she seemed to be the age of a tween. At some point in the first break up she actually said she felt like she was 12 (when the abuse started) and said strange things about how she felt like she was taller all of a sudden, and made a big deal about feeling as if she "had grow up." She rolled her eyes and me an huffed when she didn't like what I was saying.[/li][/list]

8) The second time, this part of her seemed a bit older. If I had to guess, she seemed like an angry teenager who's parents wouldn't allow her to use the car. She seemed rebellious, but the behaviors were different. In either case, she wasn't completely "there" and all trace of positive feeling for me seemed to be completely absent.

9) The first break up, we were separated by a temporary restraining order. Many of the things she accused me of were false, but grounded in reality in some way. I had broken her phone. I had not held her down and shouted at her or threatened her life. When we got back together, she asked me point blank if I had thrown her across the room. She said she remembered being in one spot, then another, and she filled in the spot with the only thing that made since to her, despite the fact she was uninjured. I hear that the story developed while her and her mother were on the phone.

10) She didn't show up for court, and when I entered the apartment again, she had hung every single one of my paintings around her in a circle around the bed. She tried to argue, quietly, that the court date was wrong, going as far as to grab her paperwork and she seemed very confused. I was told that someone had reminded her the night before.

The second relationship was much much better. She wasn't nearly as needy. She was more responsible. She didn't display the same bizarre behaviors from the first time, where she would bite me out of nowhere, or start strangely violent wrestling matches or anything of the sort.

She's not diagnosed with BPD. She was diagnosed with cPTSD when she was in college. This was something I held onto for a long time as hope for recovery. I can't seem to find much information about how cPTSD can play out in a relationship, but I do read that sometimes a T will diagnose a borderline with it for insurance and stigma reasons, and/or that the symptoms are very similar. Anyone have a clue about any of this?

[woodsposse]

 

What exactly is the end result you are looking for?  I mean, I read through a lot of what you wrote - and I'm not sure why.

Are you wanting to get back with her?  Do you want to try and help her?  Do you want to torture yourself?  do you want to climb uphill backwards in a snowstorm wearing roller skates?

I mean... . what is it you are looking for and to do what exactly?

[AwakenedOne]

but her relationship with her mother is almost frightening, as her mom seems to switch between trying to smother her with a horrible type of affection, to forgetting that she exists, all depending on what my ex was doing or how it would benefit her personally.

What do you mean by horrible type of affection If I may ask?

My ex's mom was a dominating figure where as my ex would be always worried about how she would be viewed by her mother. She tried to please her mom above anything. Big weird problem in our relationship. Her love and loyalty to me (her husband) was 5% of what she had for her mom.

[restoredsight]

After being abandoned twice I really don't want to go through it a third time.

I am still connected to her because we have a child together. I hope for some sort of recovery, yes, but I'm past thinking that I can or should be a part of it. I am confused about some of this even though I've read quite a lot about various behaviors. If I'm trying to bargain at all, it's not about me anymore. At the moment I'm dealing with her through her parents, but it can't be like that forever. They live together at present, but I seriously doubt that arrangement will work out for more than a year.

I know no one has a magic ball, but I feel I need to understand these things if I'm going to have intermittent contact with her over the course of 18 or so years. So, yes, I guess I'm having to climb uphill backwards in a snowstorm no matter what.

[woodsposse]

I totally understand the children thing.

All I can tell you on that is what I did.  I went to court - and got custody of my kids.  Period.

I was tired of her crap, and tired of the blame game - and all the keeping me from my children and so forth and so on.  So I just went to court and put a stop to it all.

Then her true colors really came flying out (not towards me, but the children).  But they were safe with me - and that is all I can say about that.  Don't get me wrong, it was a rough uphill climb, backwards, in a snow storm with roller skates on... . but I just took her out of the equation... . and life had been pretty fine without her.

(by the way, she stayed gone for about 10 years... . only to start seeing them again once they started turning 18.  Of course, she blames me for that... . but - whatever.)

[Mutt]

After being abandoned twice I really don't want to go through it a third time.

I am still connected to her because we have a child together. I hope for some sort of recovery, yes, but I'm past thinking that I can or should be a part of it. I am confused about some of this even though I've read quite a lot about various behaviors. If I'm trying to bargain at all, it's not about me anymore. At the moment I'm dealing with her through her parents, but it can't be like that forever. They live together at present, but I seriously doubt that arrangement will work out for more than a year.

I know no one has a magic ball, but I feel I need to understand these things if I'm going to have intermittent contact with her over the course of 18 or so years. So, yes, I guess I'm having to climb uphill backwards in a snowstorm no matter what.

I have 3 kids with uBPDex, I understand that you are trying to make sense of why things happened and for what reasons. I don't think that you need to understand right now on how to see your kid.

I have 3 with my ex, it is extremely difficult to deal with ex with co-parenting and custody.

Two things took care of that. Court orders. Parallel Parenting.

Irregardless of her parents and the next 18 years.  What kind of custody do you have? Do you have court orders? Have you looked into Parallel Parenting? The rest is secondary for now.

Stop worrying about her. Worry about your kid.

[restoredsight]

Stop worrying about her. Worry about your kid.

The break up left me in such dire straights that I was left with no recourse but to move in with my brothers family. Within a week, I figured out that my sister in law is disordered as well, which mixes quite horribly with my brother's temper. Horrible shouting matches occur here regularly. Sometimes it has spilled over onto me even though I've done my level best to keep my head down and stay out of it.

She sometimes thinks my presence here is part of some plan to replace her. More than once I've gone to sleep to shouting only to be awoken by shouting. She once told my brother to sleep on the couch, and when he did she was angry he didn't go to bed. So, in the middle of the night, she threw away his lunch meat for his lunch and all of the coffee. My brother is a construction worker and works very hard. He woke up that day without coffee or food, and he didn't have the funds to replace them. He was livid. She said that it was hers to throw away since she bought it.

Trust me, I'm worried about my son. I don't want him there or here. I finally have funds and I'm looking for a new home. I'm dealing with the basics at the moment. My asking questions does not detract from my concentration on my son.

[Mutt]

I'm sorry about the situation your in. It's a difficult place to be. You are staying with your brother.  SIL is abusive towards him, it's triggering. Not to mention, he is your brother. have to facilitate through in-laws to get access to your son. That's tough.

I agree, you're dealing with basics, getting back on your feet. I wish you the best, with getting your son sorted out.

[heartandwhole]

Hi chad_sketch,

This is tough going, and I understand your wanting to learn as much as you can about BPD, especially since you have a child with your ex.

A diagnosis of BPD and C-PTSD (Complex PTSD) often overlap, but leaders in the field of trauma feel that they are distinct diagnoses.  My pwBPD preferred the diagnosis of C-PTSD, although I do think the identity disturbances and relationship problems of BPD were definitely present.

Here is an interesting thread about the subject:

https://bpdfamily.com/message_board/index.php?topic=42598.msg397655#msg397655

From page 385 on the linked site:

"In essence, BPD represents a disorder of attachment, while DESNOS* is considered by most leading clinicians and researchers in the field to be better understood as a disorder of self-regulation."

*another name for C-PTSD

heartandwhole