Turning 30 and really depressed about it

[Cloudy Days]

I've never felt this crappy before about having a birthday. I usually am actually really excited for Birthdays, but all I keep thinking about is how my life really sucks at this point. Nothing ever seems to go right, my Grandmother passed away early this year so this is the first time I won't have one of her home made special made cakes. Me and my husband have not been getting along at all. To the point I am considering leaving, seriously considering it. I just don't feel like I have anything to celebrate. At first I just thought that this was normal feeling down but it really hit me today. I don't even want to celebrate my birthday, I don't expect for it to be a special day because it won't be. My husband usually feels very overwhelmed because it's a day he has to do something for me. I'm really not picky but he overthinks everything and usually comes up with nothing because he stresses about it too much. I've had birthdays where I didn't even get a card from him. But that's not even the point. I am dreading the thought of doing anything for my Birthday... . My husband keeps asking what I want to do and I am drawing a blank because I don't feel like doing anything. I have a really strong urge to just stay at home and sleep all day, which I know I won't do but man it's tempting. Is it normal to feel so depressed on your Birthday?

[clljhns]

Hi Cloudy Days,

Do you think that you are feeling depressed because of a milestone birthday, or could it be a combination of all of the events happening in your life right now coupled with any expectations you had about being 30?

I know that 30 was the hardest birthday for me, but it was mostly because I felt unprepared to move forward. I was definitely in a place of high expectations for myself and always placing some imaginary mark that I was to achieve at a certain age. I felt like a failure in a lot of ways at this point because I was married twice, did not own my own home, and didn't have a fulfilling career. My expectations at this time in my life were: I should be married to the father of my daughter because my parents never divorced (failure one); I should be a homeowner because my parents were (failure two); I should be in a job that is fulfilling and meaningful, because my parents expected this (failure three).  I was definitely not emotionally mature, probably about 16 emotionally, and in my second marriage for just three years. The second marriage was disappointing as it didn't match my fantasy of what this man was. Poor guy! I had created an image of a knight in shining armor and kept getting disappointed when he would fall below my mark. He had is own issues to be sure (alcoholism), but I did put a lot of pressure and demands on him to live up to my expectations.

I also was still dealing with a lot of crap from ex, so it was not a very peaceful time in my life. The one saving grace in all of this was having my daughter to focus on. I stayed very actively involved in her life through school, church, and her many extra-curricular activities which kept us on the go a lot! I still had a lot of expectations/should's for my life that really didn't belong to me, I carried them forward from my parents.

I don't know if this has helped. But maybe you have some expectations about thirty that are part of the depression.

Peace and blessings!

[Cloudy Days]

Thanks for replying. I think it is because I am turning 30, but I also think it's a combination of everything. I actually share my Birthday with some other family members and we had a big party. Got to see all the cute kids and tiny new babies. I actually cannot have children and being married to someone with BPD, I cannot adopt a child because of his record. A choice I made but It's getting harder to accept I think. Especially when you see all the new babies and I've heard 30 is when women really start feeling the biological clock thing. My husband isn't very supportive of me in this area. He usually says something along the lines of we could have a kid some day. I know I can never have children and I will never be able to adopt with him. But that's not even what is getting me down the most.

I have been really conflicted lately about my husband, even considering moving to another state for him even though I have been conflicted about even staying with him. I think you really start to look at your life and what it is and where you are really planning on going. Do I really want to live the way I do now for the rest of my life? No I don't. But how is it I fix it? And what is it that needs fixed? I've been reading about turning 30 and it seems that it's pretty common for people to be depressed when they turn 30. My Birthday is one of the only times my husband actually steps it up. I wish I could just enjoy it, but I just feel like I want to cry most of the time. I am feeling better today than I did the other day when I wrote this. I hope my 30's are better than my 20's because honestly my 20's sucked.

[fromheeltoheal]

A couple things: at 30 you haven't even hit your prime yet, and there's plenty of time.  Plus working through a down period eventually delivers you to the other side, wiser and with more character; you haven't had your best days yet.  Funny how we place a lot of significance on events that end in a zero, but really it's just another year and you are where you are, you're searching, and searching yields results.  Jeez, at 30 I was still partying with reckless abandon, you're ahead of the game, at least the silly way I played it.  Don't know if any of that helps, but it's the truth.

[Cloudy Days]

Thanks, I guess I feel like I should have things figured out by now. Makes me feel better than most people probably don't have everything figured out by now. I don't want my life to be wasteful and so far I feel like it has been. I'm not the type that parties and has fun, I think it's a bit of a shame too, because at least I would be enjoying life if I did that. I guess I'm tired of being the responsible one, I want to let go of some worries and just live. But I am never able to do that, it's not in my nature.

[fromheeltoheal]

I'm 20 years older than you, and I've learned that you're right, folks don't have things 'figured out', and in fact the older we get the more we realize we don't know, and also that that's OK; humans are perfectly imperfect.  Maybe it isn't about figuring things out, more about living from your heart and your gut, all the way, it is what it is.  Cutting loose once in a while is good for you, even if you have to force yourself at first; I say have a happy birthday with a little crazy in it, just for the hell of it.  A friend of mine is on a cruise right now, partying in Mexico, and I'm officially envious, but hey, we all get our time.  Take care of you!

[clljhns]

Hi Cloudy Days,

I was piqued by something you said-- "I guess I feel like I should have things figured out by now."  Have you taken the test on depression? It includes a category of how we use the term should over and over. I was just wondering if you think that maybe you have some should's stored away and are using them as a guide to measure up to?

I agree with HTH, you have plenty of time. Do you have a T or someone that you trust to talk these things out with? I always found it helpful to talk with my BF about anything troubling or confusing me, she is a great sounding-board!

[Cloudy Days]

I'd love to talk to my husband about this stuff by unfortunately he has BPD and can't always accept that I have bad feelings too. It's very frustrating. There are times when I can talk to him about things a little bit, but big topics seem to trigger him. And the fact that I am depressed makes him uneasy, because he is going to think it is his fault. Which some of it is but he just can't handle my feelings too. I was seeing a therapist and it sort of fell through. I'm working on finding another one. I'm sure I have some depression, this year has been pretty rough so far and it hasn't gotten any easier and I doubt it will.

I think I will be ok, life is just very hard right now and it has been hard for awhile now. I guess I feel like it should be enjoyable and it's not. Another should... . . I went on Vacation at the beginning of the year and in BPD fashion it was a disaster. Just need a break I guess, it would be really nice to get a break. Hopefully I will have one this weekend

[Grey Kitty]

I saw the big question in this thread:

Do I really want to live the way I do now for the rest of my life? No I don't. But how is it I fix it?

You mention being conflicted about your H and your future with him.

All I can suggest is that you work on changing your life to include more things that feed you, things that feel important to you. Not just with your H, but other things in your life.

If you do this, it will give you more to bring back to your marriage. Alternatively, if you (or your H) end the marriage, it will give you something else of value in your life.

It all comes back to you. What is important to you in life?