I have never been so hurt and angry in my life

[Emelie Emelie]

I am so angry I can barely type.  After dumping me on my head for the second time.  He texts me tonight and asks if he can use my credit card to make a $2700 on line purchase because he was maxed.  I replied "Are you f'ing kidding me?"  He's like sorry I asked.  I said do you even begin to get this?  I've spent the better part of two years of my life trying to make a rs with you work.  You break my heart in a million pieces and I went through hell.  Then you beg me to take you back... . I do... . and you do it again.  I am HURTING.  And you call and say hey, can I use your credit card?  And do you know what this heartless ass says to me?  He said your effort to understand BPD was "admirable".  But the choices you made were yours and yours to deal with.  I had my concerns about getting back together with you as well.  What I had hoped you would figure out is that I need/want a girlfriend.  I already have an excellent mother.  I lost it.  I told him he was an abusive, heartless ass.  He uses and discards people.  That he takes NO responsibility in his f'ed up relationships and that the common denominator in all of them was him.  That I no longer gave a ___ what he needs.  What I needed was to not be berated and screamed at and constantly criticized by the man who is supposed to love me.  I wasn't wasting one more minute of my life on him. 

I'll probably feel bad about some of that tomorrow but right now I swear to God I hate him.  What a complete and total raging a$$hole. 

[The Mrs]

I'm so sorry, and what's the part that YOU are sorry for?

I was married to one one of these master manipulator, devaluators for 25 years.  I  finally got the the courage up to file 2 weeks ago.  What. I always feared is coming true.  When he would speak to me cruely and angrily I would think if this is how you treat me when you "love" me and I am tip toeing around you how will you treat me if and when I ever find  my voice and back bone again and stand up for myself?   Well, he has begun his dis distortion campaign, the blood relatives are folding, my financial life life is crumbling.  So, I say to you, what do you feel bad about when you are the one that. Has been treated badly by someone who has a mental illness and is not seeking treatment for it?

You deserve and are worthy of better, trust me...

[AwakenedOne]

I lost it.  I told him he was an abusive, heartless ass.  He uses and discards people.  That he takes NO responsibility in his f'ed up relationships and that the common denominator in all of them was him.  That I no longer gave a ___ what he needs.  What I needed was to not be berated and screamed at and constantly criticized by the man who is supposed to love me.  I wasn't wasting one more minute of my life on him.   

Good for you on telling him how you feel. After you cooled down I bet you noticed you felt good that you got to get it out and release those feelings. Will he ultimately care about what you told him? Maybe not, doesn't matter you called it as it is. 



AO

[HappyNihilist]

I told him he was an abusive, heartless ass.  He uses and discards people.  That he takes NO responsibility in his f'ed up relationships and that the common denominator in all of them was him.  That I no longer gave a ___ what he needs.  What I needed was to not be berated and screamed at and constantly criticized by the man who is supposed to love me.  I wasn't wasting one more minute of my life on him.  

Remember this always. This is who he is. This is how he makes you feel. This is how he treats you.

No, you absolutely shouldn't waste another minute of your life on him.

Your anger is understandable. Wallow in it. You deserve to feel angry. I once spent a half-hour screaming "F#CK YOU" over and over in an empty room, and it made me feel so d@mn good.  

[goldylamont]

Emelie Emelie just like others have said i don't think you should feel bad at all about your reaction. I wanted to put a bug in your ear though regarding him asking you for $2700--i doubt he actually thought that you would comply in the first place. he may be a little cray but to me it sounds like he sent this request to you just to get you angry and riled up. no way to prove this but just something to think about--if/when he contacts you again with something ludicrous like this it may bode well to think strategically what he is really after... . did he *really* max out his card and expect you to be ok doing this? or did he just want to ruin your day?

it's possible he was just being inconsiderate, but i think it's good to heighten our wily awareness with the ex's. never know what they are truly up to. here's an example of mine (i have soo oo oo many   ) -- it wasn't a big deal, but just annoying b/c i can't prove anything. about a year after breaking up and 6 months strict NC my ex started contacting me again. we had one 10 min phone convo which was all positive and i simply enjoyed leaving things on a positive note, but i was done and never initiated contact in any way. in any case about a week later my ex sent me a facebook message asking for my friend's (former coworker/friend) phone number. ex said that my friend's facebook account wasn't working and she lost her contact info. so i called my friend and asked if it were ok, confirmed and sent my ex her number. i had long since defriended the ex (not blocked) on facebook. anyway, that was the end of story. my ex stopped contacting me soon after i left a few of her texts unanswered (i knew it was all just b/c she broke up with bf #2 so i didn't care). at any rate a while later i'm hanging out with my new gf and the friend (whose number i gave) and her husband at a party. the husband says "yeah, i dunno what's up with your ex? she called us and we tried to set her up on a date with this guy we know because she wanted to go out, but then she never even called him back. what's up with that?" -- um, i dunno man i don't speak to her any more! and besides me not caring about this, my new gf definitely doesn't care! . silly guy he's a nice person though--whole point is, there's a gazillion people who my ex could have gotten the number from other than me. and my friend's facebook was never offline. and i think honestly she was just trying to pull me back in by making me jealous; contacting my friends who she knows i hang out with to ask them to set her up on a date. i can't prove it   but let's just chalk it up to good ol' BPD loonity for old times sake.

i'm saying all of this to open you up to the possibility that your ex may contact you at times simply to bait you into getting angry or feeling hurt. when you see their communication this way it's easier to shrug it off as BS rather than wondering "how can they be so heartless?". the question may better be posed "how can they be so desperate for attention?", or better yet "hah! guess who is feeling lonely right now and wants to mess with me!" feels powerful to recognize their games.

p.s. i know it's not PC to say this but it made me feel really good hearing that you told him off     hang in there and stay in your anger without a hint of guilt as long as it takes you to detach.

[1KitKat]

Yes, Emelie, this is baiting.  He's looking for a way to put you into an emotional crisis - it's control tool.  Notwithstanding the fact that you did express your emotions (and that is GOOD), in future you might be able to see this type of behaviour for what it is designed:  to UPSET you and precipitate a reaction.  And you might be able to avoid this type of reaction.  Ranting in the short term can be good, though!

I spent a year or more in exactly the same type of situation, most recently where I discovered condoms in my ex's pocket when he was visiting to fix something in the house... .   to clarify here, we're not officially separated, still married but just not living together.  He says there's 'no one else'.  Anyway, his response?  "Well, I have to have sex SOME TIME."  Not with me, I guess.  But when I blew my stack, his next remark was "What would you say if I told  you they might be for you?"  And then... .   "I put them there because I knew you'd check!"

Whatever the reason, none of them listed here is appropriate.  But, he got me again.  It was the straw that broke the camel's back, though, and I have ceased any contact with him other than business-related, which is obligatory as we own a co. together.  But, I feel quite certain that I'll be able to identify this kind of behaviour if ever it recurs, and I'll be able to avoid my unpleasant reaction.  I've ranted enough... .    this is ME time.

[WalrusGumboot]

I am so angry I can barely type.  After dumping me on my head for the second time.  He texts me tonight and asks if he can use my credit card ... .

Emelie, I would have been livid as well. I spent countless hours being hurt and angry in my 23 year marriage. What is amazing is that they just don't get it, do they?

It took me quite a while to get over the anger, the bitterness, the hatred. During my divorce process and even afterwards when she contacted me regarding the divorce settlement and support issues, I felt the wounds open up again... . merely by me hearing her voice.

You have some gaping wounds now. I went totally NC with my ex, and you must with him. He dumps you and is texting you? Block his number. Block his every avenue into your life. Go cold turkey NC and start your healing process.

WG

[going places]

I am 'baited' with silent treatment, and gas-lighting.

Because of childhood trauma / abandonment issues... . I hate to be ignored.

It is my weak spot.

It sends me into outer space.

I will be divorce June 15, but, he still lives in the house.

It's going up for sale May 1... . but he will be here until it sells.

I have come to the place where I don't care if he is with someone else (which I am sure he is and has been). Let him be someone else's problem.

I am tired of 'covering' for him because I don't want the kids to get hurt.

He will show his true colors.

And if he never does?

God sees... . and that has to be good enough for me.

That helps me deal with my 'triggers' and 'moments' more productively.

I know, I simply know and believe with all my heart, once I am FAR away from him... . I will heal, and I will fulfill my calling and purpose in life.

[Emelie Emelie]

Well it's morning and I don't feel bad.  I am glad I told him what I told him.  I am still furious. Yes he has a Disorder.  But he promised to get help.  Which he did not.  And he just continues to hurt me.  He can find himself another whipping girl.  I am DONE.  I know I have healing to do and this is not an easy road ahead but he doesn't get anything else from me.  Nothing. 

[Lucky Jim]

Hi Emelie Emelie, In my view, your conversation confirmed that you made the right decision to leave the r/s.  So, in a sense, you can take something positive from it, which is that you need to get on with your life without him.  Maybe you can re-frame your anger in this fashion?  LuckyJim

[mywifecrazy]

I have come to the place where I don't care if he is with someone else (which I am sure he is and has been). Let him be someone else's problem.

I am tired of 'covering' for him because I don't want the kids to get hurt.

He will show his true colors.

And if he never does?

God sees... . and that has to be good enough for me.

That helps me deal with my 'triggers' and 'moments' more productively.

I know, I simply know and believe with all my heart, once I am FAR away from him... . I will heal, and I will fulfill my calling and purpose in life.

To all your points listed... . Amen Sister! Sounds like we're in the same boat (Heck we're all in the same boat on here).

And a BIG AMEN to the verse from Jeremiah.  I meditated on that verse several times and it has helped me get through some dark times early in my divorce when I was still in the FOG.

[imstronghere2]

It's times like these when I would put this song on by Godsmack  "I F&*%ing Hate You".   Pull that up on Grooveshark or something similar.   

I don't know, but somehow it just helps.   ;->

[willy45]

What the heck. That's insane. What a f#cker. Your response was bang on.

[iluminati]

Your mistake was taking the bait.  The right answer is to say no and then physical end the conversation by walking away, blocking the text, hanging up the phone, etc.  That way, they know that they can't just pick a fight so they can get their anger out.  It's a cold-blooded way to act, but it will do you well in the long run.

[1989]

Emelie Emelie,

I too have fallen for the "regret" "missing you" "still love you" "I was so stupid" "don't know what I was thinking, but I would never do it again if given another chance," and the conclusion that I have reached is they (our exes) weren't necessarily "lying" when they said these things, but desperate.  And the only analogy that I can come up with is to imagine if they were drowning and begged you to save them, but when you get to them they (like all drowning victims) push you under and nearly drown you.  Once they get where their feet can touch, they get out, but show no concern for you.

A few weeks later they are drowning again and asking you to save them.  This time, however, you can remember nearly drowning the last time you jumped in to save them, so you really don't want to.  But they promise you that they will NOT climb on top of you, push you to the bottom, crawl on top of your head, if you will just come save them one more time  They really mean it-they will NOT harm you. But you get out there and they do exactly what they promised NOT to do.  They have been saved once again, and you have nearly lost your life trying to save them.  Do they feel bad that they have nearly cost you your life?  Not really, because they didn't mean to, but they panicked and ended up harming you.

I decided three years ago to never try to rescue my exwBPD again.  He can find someone else to jump in and save him or he can learn to be a better swimmer.

And for the record, he never once felt accountable for my pain.  I think he knew he was "responsible" for it, but he did not feel like it was his problem.  I can really relate to this particular post of yours.

It gets better... like all gaping wounds, time and treatment will heal you of this particular injury.  And walking after work for an hour helped me tremendously in dealing with the anxiety.

It gets better!

[Emelie Emelie]

Thank you all for your thoughtful responses.  I am just a freaking mess.  Just trying to get through the day at work without sobbing.  He = Pain. 

[1KitKat]

As another poster wrote to me upon my introductory post, I could have written your story, Emelie Emelie, right down to EXACTLY the same situation with a credit card.  Another situation was him showing up to ask me to treat a wound he got while on a construction site.  The list goes on... .   and you were OK to snap at him and at what was/is going on.  It's unfortunate that you need to be at work today, because crying, attacking a pillow with a tennis racket, etc... .   all these things help!

It was so bad for me last summer that I had a complete nervous breakdown.  Unfortunately, we were seeing a psych at the time who was easily fooled by my ex's behaviour and what he said.  So much for that!   The guy even defended his porn surfing saying... .   'well, now that you two are separated, he needs SOMETHING to occupy his time'... .   !  Thank G#d the ex is seeing another professional now. 

It looks like we've all been through the same thing, especially the confusion and heartbreak, and lots of us are still going through it.  Hang on, hang on, and keep posting.  The support is already making me feel better!  And yes, your current anger, as long as you process it, will definitely help you to detach.  He's baiting, and he's testing and waiting to see if you're going to go for it again.  As I mentioned to my therapist, it's like death by a thousand splinters. 

We're all with you! 

[Emelie Emelie]

Thank you all. I am just physically and emotionally exhausted.  My heart and love and support goes out to all of you who have dealt with one of these rs for years.  Who were married or have children and still have to deal with a BPDx.  I can't imagine. I guess I got off lucky with two years (and a few months off for good behavior). 

I know he can't control it.  I know that.  Tough not to personalize it but I know it has nothing to do with how I "acted" towards him.  I just tried to love and support him.  His "I already have an excellent mother" comment to me last night was because I had just nursed him through a difficult (though minor) surgery that left him immobile for a few days and in pain and with limited mobility for a few more.  I had a nasty, nasty bug and was sicker than a dog myself.  A week after the surgery, when this all started again he was angry because I wasn't "affectionate" enough.  I was sick and I had come over to make him dinner and hang out and watch a movie.  He was uncomfortable and had his leg up on some contraption.  I sat on the other side of the couch (I would have liked nothing more than to snuggle up with him but he was irritable and in pain.)  But then he started berating me for that.  That's when he called me a selfish b___.  I said how can you say that to me?  I just spent the last week (running myself ragged) doing everything I could to help you out.  (Wrong, wrong, wrong... . don't justify, argue, defend and explain.  I know.  I was just so worn out and sick and tired.)  He said he could have handled that all on his own. (He could not have.  He couldn't get off the toilet by himself.)   He needed a girlfriend not a mother.  Ouch. 

Whatever.  Just what freaking ever.  My anger has faded a bit for the time being.  I'm just sad.  Sad and lonely.  I feel used and discarded once again.  I do feel guilty for lighting him up the way I did.  I know he was feeling insecure and how he reacts when he does.  I had a fleeting temptation to text and apologize.  Just to make myself feel better about the way I behaved.  But that's engaging him and I can't do that anymore.  He made it quite clear he's "seeking a new relationship".  A "woman who can meet his needs".  I have no doubt he'll find one soon enough.  (A new relationship anyway.)  He's a good looking, charming guy... . when he wants to be.  And I know how marvelous he can be when he "falls in love" with you.  I wish I didn't care but I do.  It hurts. 

But I am 100% committed to this being over.  There are moments when I almost feel a sense of relief.  This is over.  I never have to deal with his rages or insults or hurtful words or behavior again.  That I have control over. 

[fromheeltoheal]

There are moments when I almost feel a sense of relief.   Yep, I did too, it was time to get off the eggshells and walk upright and free, and oh boy did it feel good.  Lots of processing to do moving forward, but enjoy that relief, along with knowing that the hardest part of detaching is at the beginning.

But I am 100% committed to this being over.

That I have control over.

Yes you do, and taking back our control is healthy and the first step in taking our lives back.  I stooped to her level near the end too, gave her some of the sht she'd been giving me forever, it felt really good, that was actually the beginning of me taking control back, dysfunctional I'll admit but I had gotten lost, and I felt bad about it for a minute, until I remembered all the crap I had put up with coming the other way, 10 times the crap; that didn't justify my behavior, but it sure as hell erased any need to apologize.  The best thing I could do at that point was just leave, which I did, you did, and Hooray for us!

[Emelie Emelie]

   Hooray for us!

[MovingOnForLife]

Yes, Emelie, this is baiting.  He's looking for a way to put you into an emotional crisis - it's control tool.  Notwithstanding the fact that you did express your emotions (and that is GOOD), in future you might be able to see this type of behaviour for what it is designed:  to UPSET you and precipitate a reaction.  And you might be able to avoid this type of reaction.  Ranting in the short term can be good, though!

YES!  I just had this conversation with my T yesterday about baiting and it opened my eyes.  Don't take the bait.  They need this chaos and drama in their lives but he doesn't have to get it from you.  Let him get it from his next victim. 

The way I look at it is that if I don't take the bait from my not soon enough to be ex husband then he'll need his new girlfriend to take it and then hopefully he'll leave me alone!

[bpdspell]

Emelie,

Love and enmeshment are two different lanes. This toxic push and pull may "mimic" love but is actually enmeshment…or what I call an ionic bond….or a parasitical relationship.

Your ex is mentally ill. He's a very sick man and his BPD will always compromise his ability to love you in the way that feels validating and healthy. His "idea" of love is NEED. He is an EMOTIONAL child on the inside and therefore cannot reciprocate your love through deed and action. That is why there will always be a Nile River Valley between his words and his actions.

I see it like this. You cannot expect a child to take care of your adult needs. Our expectations and borderline expectations are what make these relationships so combative, implosive, stress filled, and unharmonious. You cannot make "fetch" happen with a borderline and you cannot "train" them to be better partners in relationships. I've been in your shoes….jumping through a circus ring on fire trying to make my BPDexbf happy. They are looking for replacement parents and someone who can "absorb" their disordered thoughts when they are triggered. In their child minds YOU don't have needs because that's how children THINK.

My question to you is your own self worth and love. Why do you believe that only "he" can give it to you? How can you better understand your enmeshment with this person who's shown you intense toxicity and his rat maze of a disordered mind? How can you detach and let go of the expectation that this man has what it takes to make you happy?

Forget his empty promises. He's BPD. It took me over a year to accept that the "love of my life" looked great on the outside but developmentally diminished on the inside. You have to begin to look at you and why you've been so willing to accept your ex's words over his actions. Are you in T? The more we hold on to abusive people the more it points to something within ourselves that tells us that this is what we deserve and know. Perhaps unfinished business from childhood or a family of origin issue that needs to be grieved?

Your answers to healing are inside you; not with him.

Spell

[patientandclear]

Spell, as always, there is so much insight in your post.  Thank you, it helped with some tough feelings I'm having today.

But I know from Emelie's earlier posts that her guy wBPD made extraordinary, believable promises about how he was going to protect her from further harm, he was going to deal with his BPD reactions in a way that might plausibly allow that (by going to various kinds of BPD-specific treatment), how he needed her to commit unconditionally so his abandonment terrors would be alleviated.

To me that is the import of these latest events, not the standard "why are we looking to an abusive person to make us feel good" but how very unlikely it is that someone wBPD is going to be able to avoid abusive behavior even if they really want to, even if they have a high degree of awareness and quite a few resources with which to try to address it.  The resentment, the script, the anticipation of persecution, seem to overwhelm even a very sincere, self-aware promise to make the changes needed to transform what was an abusive dynamic into a healthy one.

[fromheeltoheal]

To me that is the import of these latest events, not the standard "why are we looking to an abusive person to make us feel good" but how very unlikely it is that someone wBPD is going to be able to avoid abusive behavior even if they really want to, even if they have a high degree of awareness and quite a few resources with which to try to address it.  The resentment, the script, the anticipation of persecution, seem to overwhelm even a very sincere, self-aware promise to make the changes needed to transform what was an abusive dynamic into a healthy one.

Yep.  My ex had turned to psychiatry, religion, personal development seminars, fitness regimens, cognitive behavioral therapy, lots of 'solutions' to life as she saw it, an awareness that things just weren't 'right', and sometimes they were effective, sometimes they just filled her head up with stuff to parrot.  At the end of the day, she's hardwired a certain way, a disordered way, and she can change all the beliefs and thoughts she wants, the software, but the hardware doesn't change, and when she got triggered the base programming kicked in, and there's no fixing that.  Very sad to experience, and very painful when I was on the receiving end, especially since neither of us can fix it and she's hardwired for a life of pain that she's more then willing to share.

[Emelie Emelie]

Spell:  I am no longer in therapy.  Wish I was but can't continue right now.  My T however said the same thing you did.  This was an enmeshed relationship.  That's what I seek in relationships; enmeshment.  That's what I'm really struggling with today.  I don't want to leave it awful.  I do want to apologize for the horrible, hurtful things I said to him.  Yes... . he's done much worse to me... . but I hate the crazy person this has turned me into.  I absolutely LOST it with him.  I could not stop texting and raging at him.  I couldn't stop.  For a few hours I was HIM.  I don't want him to hate me.  And I need to feel understood.  What i'm telling myself right now is LET IT BE.  If you still feel this way two weeks from now write him a letter.  I can't even articulate what it is I'd want from him in return.  I really can't.  I honestly believe I want nothing from him in return right now.  I really do.  I know that's probably not true but in being as honest as I can with myself I can't find it.  I know I'm not going to get any validation from him.  I feel AWFUL. 

I know I need to let go.  I have no doubts about that whatsoever.  And I've become well aware I've got self worth issues.  Particularly in relationships.  And even aware of the FOO stuff that led to them.  Just not sure how to heal them.  And afraid it's too late.  I've also become an excellent actress.  I don't think anyone would guess that of me.  Except him of course.  He knew.  I shared a lot of what I discovered in T with him and he used it as a weapon. 

I just don't know where to begin.