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If you could turn back time?
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Topic: If you could turn back time? (Read 785 times)
AwakenedOne
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If you could turn back time?
«
on:
April 26, 2014, 01:29:48 PM »
Hard question for you... .
If you could turn back time... . would you?
If you could go back to the day you met your ex would you walk up to them and say "hi" or walk in the opposite direction away from them? Was the grief and struggle worth it because of the good times, or did the bad and hurt outweigh all that?
Our relationship had many special moments and a lot of good times.
I wish though I never met her, I would chose to walk the other way.
Grief and bad memories and mostly remembering all the LIES makes me classify our relationship as something not good.
How about you?
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Cardinals in Flight
formerly NurseRatchet
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Re: If you could turn back time?
«
Reply #1 on:
April 26, 2014, 01:42:56 PM »
If I could turn back time? I would know about BPD, and handled things differently with educated, understanding eyes, AND, kept on going after the first rage... . :'( :'(
Everyone deserves love, and I would have given her a chance as we all deserve, but time invested would have been much shorter, my skull more intact from the head/brick wall banging I've done over the last 3+ years. I coulda still learned my lessons
CiF
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Waifed
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Re: If you could turn back time?
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Reply #2 on:
April 26, 2014, 01:57:52 PM »
Hard question for me. The simple answer is yes, I would have never dated my ex. The problem is that I would have never gotten the therapy I needed to deal with codependency and all of the anger and passive aggressiveness I carried. I am truly a new person and I like what I see when I look in the mirror.
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coolioqq
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Re: If you could turn back time?
«
Reply #3 on:
April 26, 2014, 02:04:46 PM »
I've told that myself quite a few times in the first few weeks after breaking it off. But I have since changed my opinion. I met her for a reason. I came to learn more about myself since I met her than I frankly did during my entire life before her. Many of the things were painful. There were good things too. Some things I confirmed about myself. But with many of those - I did not know why I had them in me. She taught me all of that without any intention on her part. She taught me that my instinct is right. That I am capable of loving deeply. That I am capable of feeling deeply without my feelings overwhelming me. That I am too generous and selfless at times - but now I understand why. She taught me how strong I am, how determined I can be. How I can deal with own fragility with strength and determination.
She taught me that some of my issues stem from my FOO. But then my FOO accepted the responsibility, yet also helped me understand that some traits and perspectives of mine (and any other human beings' are innate. We choose how things around us affect us. The proof of good mental health is the extent to which we are grounded enough to unconditionally accept ourselves as we are, choose our responses to the external stimuli, develop skills and abilities to regulate things that are under our control and accept the things that are not (Serenity Prayer has captured this secret to good life magnificently.)
My journey from loving her so deeply to being betrayed to breaking it off to digging through my past and FOO to find issues has brought me to be in myself and even with myself. I started by pointing fingers, tears going down my cheeks. Now, I am at the best place I've ever been in my life - with myself. I accept my faults. I accept that people have faults. I accept the faults my FOO had. But I also accept and am grateful for everything my FOO did for me. Without their help in the aftermath, I'd be at the bottom of the pit. Even though she cannot do that for herself, she unknowingly reinforced my determination to see all the shades of grey.
Even though she did not intend all this, she made me do it. For that I will be eternally grateful to her. If I could turn back the time, with this mind, knowledge and self-awareness, I would not change a thing. I'd still get into a relationship with her, but I would listen more and press gently upon her to open up the darkest corners of her soul and let them out. What would be different is that I would not hurt - love comes from myself, no one owes me that. I was hurt not because she did not love me (and she didn't), but because she could not love me as she could not love herself.
Lastly, to paraphrase Jung - Truth is usually simple. But simple things are often difficult.
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Waifed
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Re: If you could turn back time?
«
Reply #4 on:
April 26, 2014, 02:15:12 PM »
Very well written Coolioqq
Unless you have gone through the intense and painful process of deeply examining yourself and the FOO that may be involved, explaining it is just can't give it justice. It truly is a life changing, liberating experience.
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Banshee
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Re: If you could turn back time?
«
Reply #5 on:
April 26, 2014, 02:43:11 PM »
Hmmm... I would probably run... . really FAST. On the other hand it would be interesting to watch and learn from a distant as a friend... . geez ,I think even now he would still get me with his hilarious sense of humor... have no idea why it just came in spurts towards the ends...
OK OK I got it ! Yes I would because my short 10 months was really bad at the end but I learned alot and know the signs if I'm ever faced with it again... Instead of 10 short months I could have came across a BPD man and suffered 10 years instead. So yes I'll take my 10 month of torment ,pain and knowledge and move myself along to brighter days
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1KitKat
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Re: If you could turn back time?
«
Reply #6 on:
April 26, 2014, 02:46:00 PM »
I really think that my husband and I met up for a reason, we went through the relationship for a reason, he self-destructed when I exposed his lies for a reason, and we have now separated for a reason. Yes, I would do it all over again because I think that I was meant to live this. That sounds weird, and yes, hindsight is 20/20 and I WOULD have educated myself more about my husband's BPD (or whatever) way back in the day. Trouble is, I was busy raising his special-needs son, and I was researching that instead. I did not, at the time, see my husband's lack of emotional response as a personality issue... . I saw it more as him being big and strong. That is my fault.
We all have fault in how we dealt with the fallout of these relationships, but yes, I would do it again. I have learned a lot about myself, my co-dependency, why I am the way I am, and how I'm going to live from now on (well, how I WANT to live anyway... . it's hard getting there!).
Cheers. Thank you for posting this question; it's something I've been pondering for the last few months.
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VeryFree
Formerly known as 'VeryScared' and 'ABitAnnoyed'
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Re: If you could turn back time?
«
Reply #7 on:
April 26, 2014, 03:25:50 PM »
There were more bad times than good times.
But I've learned a lot about myself and others. The past is the past. I just wished I would have nothing to do with her now and in the future.
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StayPositive
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Re: If you could turn back time?
«
Reply #8 on:
April 26, 2014, 03:36:13 PM »
At this time I made the right decisions, and it worked well. I thought that we are soulmates and I even wanted to marry her. Of course, I didn’t knew anything about BPD and her awkward behaviour that followed.
StayPositive
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TitaniumPhoebe
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Re: If you could turn back time?
«
Reply #9 on:
April 26, 2014, 04:00:26 PM »
I would never have become more than friends with my ex-husband and certainly wouldn't have married him. In just a little over a year of marriage I went from being debt free to drowning in debt and having my worst year financially ever. I don't know when I'll recover. Makes me really appreciate being alone though and I have no problem being single. I'd rather never have a single date again than ever go through the hell I've been through.
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Banshee
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Re: If you could turn back time?
«
Reply #10 on:
April 26, 2014, 04:03:17 PM »
Excerpt
I'd rather never have a single date again than ever go through the hell I've been through.
Btw your avatar looks just like my sister's dog ... she named him mookow...
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Emelie Emelie
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Re: If you could turn back time?
«
Reply #11 on:
April 26, 2014, 04:37:03 PM »
I honestly do wish I had never met him. This relationship has led to a lot of self discovery but i also think it opened a lot of wounds that I had made some progress in healing (after my marriage) before I met him.
I definitely wish I hadn't gone back to him. After the first break up I desperately wanted some validation that I wasn't "nothing" to him. That he loved me and regretted losing me. I got that. I wish I could have taken that and moved on.
I am just so terribly tired of all of this.
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HappyNihilist
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Re: If you could turn back time?
«
Reply #12 on:
April 27, 2014, 12:13:05 AM »
Quote from: AwakenedOne on April 26, 2014, 01:29:48 PM
Hard question for you... .
If you could turn back time... . would you?
If you could go back to the day you met your ex would you walk up to them and say "hi" or walk in the opposite direction away from them? Was the grief and struggle worth it because of the good times, or did the bad and hurt outweigh all that?
This is a great question, very thought-provoking.
Personally, I wouldn't turn back time. I'd still do it all over again. Well, maybe not ALL... .
I needed someone like him in my life, at some point at least, to help me see some very important things about myself and about life in general. And it could have been a lot worse... . given his "type"... . well, I could have found a much worse example, let's just leave it at that.
Not only did he help me greatly on the journey to see my own strength and true self, but he also knocked some Ego out of me in a way that no one else has ever been able to do. I needed that, too.
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going places
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Relationship status: Divorced
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Re: If you could turn back time?
«
Reply #13 on:
April 27, 2014, 06:23:08 AM »
Quote from: AwakenedOne on April 26, 2014, 01:29:48 PM
Hard question for you... .
If you could turn back time... . would you?
If you could go back to the day you met your ex would you walk up to them and say "hi" or walk in the opposite direction away from them? Was the grief and struggle worth it because of the good times, or did the bad and hurt outweigh all that?
How about you?
Knowing what I know today?
I would have ran as fast as I could in the opposite direction.
I would have had my 3 kids with someone else... .
THEY are the ONLY good thing.
What I "thought" were good times?
Were just my thoughts.
Inside his sick head... . nothing he did on the outside was what he really wanted to do or matched his thinking.
Everything was for show, and it was a lie.
He seethed, he resented, and he even hated... . but did so with a smile on his face and an Academy Award winning performance when anyone else was around.
What *I* thought was precious to him?
Was a burden to him.
What *I* thought was important to us?
Was a pain in his butt.
IF I could turn back time, I would have received the counseling that was needed to un-do the damage my parents did, rewire my brain to receive healthy relationships and give to a relationship in a healthy way and NEVER EVER would I have EVER spent ONE SECOND with my evil STBx. Never.
As a matter of fact, he would have never ever crossed my path, had I been 'healthy' because healthy people don't hang out in places where I met him.
I am thankful that I am figuring out and sorting out WHY I put up with it for so long... . and that with guidance from a professional, I can stop that behavior and make healthy choices!
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Narellan
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Posts: 1080
Re: If you could turn back time?
«
Reply #14 on:
April 27, 2014, 06:38:57 AM »
I wouldn't change a thing. Lots of good, lots of horrendously bad but it all has slapped me awake. I feel stripped to the core, and I've learned lots. The first night I met him I had this "epiphany" and said to him " I'm going to learn so much from you". I remember that lightbulb moment, which could also have been a warning. But boy have I learned. And I'm still alive and actually happier for having loved and lost him. A week ago I would have answered totally different but I am seeing things a lot clearer now.
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imstronghere2
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Posts: 191
Re: If you could turn back time?
«
Reply #15 on:
April 27, 2014, 08:10:43 AM »
I said that in a rhetorical sense in front of my S14 - "I wish I never would have met your mother".
His reply - "Then you would never have had me and Sissy".
I also was able to establish something as close to a "real mother" relationship as I could ever possibly have with my exwBPD's mother, as my own mother was the queen/witch version of a BPD.
So for me, I still wish I would never have chosen to marry her but there were some true blessings that came out of it.
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AwakenedOne
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Re: If you could turn back time?
«
Reply #16 on:
April 27, 2014, 01:33:13 PM »
Quote from: going places on April 27, 2014, 06:23:08 AM
What I "thought" were good times?
Were just my thoughts.
Inside his sick head... . nothing he did on the outside was what he really wanted to do or matched his thinking.
Everything was for show, and it was a lie.
He seethed, he resented, and he even hated... . but did so with a smile on his face and an Academy Award winning performance when anyone else was around.
What *I* thought was precious to him?
Was a burden to him.
What *I* thought was important to us?
Was a pain in his butt.
Hi Going Places,
I feel what you described above is what I went through also with her. Those could be my words. It's interesting hearing others tell your story in a way.
Going Places ->
Everyone->
AO
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TitaniumPhoebe
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Relationship status: divorced
Posts: 49
Re: If you could turn back time?
«
Reply #17 on:
April 28, 2014, 12:06:15 AM »
Quote from: Banshee on April 26, 2014, 04:03:17 PM
Excerpt
I'd rather never have a single date again than ever go through the hell I've been through.
Btw your avatar looks just like my sister's dog ... she named him mookow...
cute! It's just one of the avatars on the site. I actually have a black dog and a white dog so I thought it combined the both and was cute.
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going places
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Relationship status: Divorced
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Re: If you could turn back time?
«
Reply #18 on:
April 28, 2014, 07:02:55 AM »
Quote from: AwakenedOne on April 27, 2014, 01:33:13 PM
Quote from: going places on April 27, 2014, 06:23:08 AM
What I "thought" were good times?
Were just my thoughts.
Inside his sick head... . nothing he did on the outside was what he really wanted to do or matched his thinking.
Everything was for show, and it was a lie.
He seethed, he resented, and he even hated... . but did so with a smile on his face and an Academy Award winning performance when anyone else was around.
What *I* thought was precious to him?
Was a burden to him.
What *I* thought was important to us?
Was a pain in his butt.
Hi Going Places,
I feel what you described above is what I went through also with her. Those could be my words. It's interesting hearing others tell your story in a way.
Going Places ->
Everyone->
AO
I am glad a lady recommended this site to me.
SO many stories 'mirror' what I am going through... it's scary.
I'm getting off this circus ride. I'm tired of being dizzy and sick!
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1KitKat
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Posts: 76
Re: If you could turn back time?
«
Reply #19 on:
April 28, 2014, 07:08:03 AM »
You are definitely going places! Congratulations. And know that we are all in the same place. Peace be with you, after the storm, that is.
The storm is just as important as the peace that comes after.
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blissful_camper
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Re: If you could turn back time?
«
Reply #20 on:
April 28, 2014, 11:34:18 AM »
The person that I am now would have walked away. That growth occurred because of the r/s. That's what I'm thankful for. The r/s changed me in ways I would have never imagined and I like who I've become.
I sometimes wonder if a pwBPD would even be drawn to me now. I kinda doubt it because I'm healthier now. I know that I wouldn't be drawn to them.
My ex and I don't share much common ground anymore. I've outgrown that type of r/s dynamic.
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Lion Fire
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Posts: 289
Re: If you could turn back time?
«
Reply #21 on:
April 28, 2014, 12:24:16 PM »
That's a difficult one for me to answer right now as I am extremely raw.
My r'/s with my ex was a slow but persistent build-up over years. She pursued me for a long time but I was always reluctant. Now I know why as my gut was warning me somehow.
I remember the day I finally opened up to her. 30th Aug 2013. She brought it up on a long distance skype call. I was vulnerable and lonely and I thought 'what the hell', just do it". I said ok, let's see how this all lands, I'm open to it. That was the start and today I sit trying to assemble the pieces of my life together.
In short, if I could do it all again I would have kept to my script and said no, I'm not ready for a relationship. I did not because I bought her charm and seduction and believed in miracles and started dreaming.
That said, I'm certain that over time I will see the message and the worth of this experience and put it down to school fees. At the moment it's a 50 car pile up and I'm not exactly seeing the big picture
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JLK1011
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Re: If you could turn back time?
«
Reply #22 on:
April 28, 2014, 03:36:54 PM »
I wouldn't have my two beautiful children, so I wouldn't have run, but I wouldn't have given the relationship a 3rd chance in September after 5 months very LC and peace. Darn pregnancy hormones.
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LuckyEscapee
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Posts: 187
Re: If you could turn back time?
«
Reply #23 on:
April 28, 2014, 04:28:08 PM »
I have learnt so many lessons from the experience, and myself... . BUT I would risk that all learning for the pleasure of never having walked through hell. I would definitely turn the clock back!
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AlmostBroken
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Re: If you could turn back time?
«
Reply #24 on:
April 29, 2014, 09:04:17 AM »
If I could go back in time, I would run far far away from my BPD fiancé.
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DontPanic
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Posts: 64
Re: If you could turn back time?
«
Reply #25 on:
April 29, 2014, 10:26:13 AM »
Would I run? no, I love my kids and they are a product of our relationship. while it has taken me awhile to learn boundaries (this has happened in painful ways), I feel like I've learned some healthy boundaries, trust me this process is not complete. Some days are better than others, some days I can let things go and others I stew in resentment. In reality who I am was shaped by what I went through, my hope is that I can succeed where I once failed and their are signs that this might be true. for instance I recently left a relationship that showed some of the familiar warning signs. was it easy no, did it hurt like hell? yes. but I got something amazing out of telling this person that I could not see them anymore... In some ways I got me back!
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willy45
Formerly "johnnyorganic", "rjh45", "SurferDude"
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Re: If you could turn back time?
«
Reply #26 on:
April 29, 2014, 11:47:30 AM »
I would have stayed away after the first 3 months r/s. I dumped her and she went bonkers. I would have run faster after the second time. I would not have helped her as much as I did and spent so much time, energy, money and stress. This is, of course, with 20/20 hindsight. Certainy working through a bunch of stuff now as a result but I would have been much better off working through this stuff without also having to deal with the impacts of all the emotional abuse and crazy making.
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gary seven
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Re: If you could turn back time?
«
Reply #27 on:
April 29, 2014, 12:31:04 PM »
Would I run... . yes.
I had suffered through a bad first marriage in the 90's, which was admixed with FOO issues, the need to get married, and my desire to have kids. "We'll talk about it in two years, she said." RED FLAG. 6.5 yrs later, we were finally divorced, I got full custody of the dog and I moved 500 miles away for a new life and new job.
I finished therapy and all medications and got set up on a blind date. Yeah she had a sense of humor and was smart. She also had been in a LTR for 7 yrs that "went nowhere," she had visited the Holy Land, and prayed at some site for her to meet her beloved ( I heard that often)... . and guess what it was me! Doesn't that make me feel good.
On the day of our engagement party my beloved dog died. I should have seen that as the first sign. Yes the dog had lymphoma that was incurable, but I think she sensed danger and sacrificed herself to tell me in some unwritten way. I know that's weird.
So, we got married, and the slow process of loosing al my friends I had began. The isolation started. "Why don't we ever have any arguments?" she would say almost hourly for those first few years.
Then things disravelled and I had no idea what was going on... . other than I tried to "save her," and lost me.
Now with her I have three beautiful children I would have never had. I feel bad if they were never in my life.
But my life has become so painful and emotional and overspent in terms of therapists for her, P for her, 34 medications in the last year, and now her fifth facility --doing a partial hospitalization program.
And you know what, my kids are suffering too. They are old enough to be affected by Mommy's screams and taunts and tantrums. Enough is enough.
So I would run, but today is today, I have my kids and I'm taking them WITH ME ON THE ROAD TO HAPPINESS... . IT"S GOTTA BE THERE. I think the key is to look inside myself, to find my compass and GO FORTH.
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